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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
IvorHughJarrs · 14/08/2017 11:19

Buck It is annoying but, as Timey says is generally only used on customers making unreasonable demands which cannot be met.
My point is that the OP cannot control the situations other people may put her son into, where he may feel under pressure, and this may be a helpful tool

Willow2017 · 14/08/2017 11:29

ivor
He isn't an adult in work though. He is a small boy facing up to an adult.
If I was him I would be thinking "I have said no thank you three times and now she is now waffling the sandwich in front of my mouth. What is she going to do next? Force it in my mouth"?
I would have been panicking by then and acted accordingly.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 11:31

Exactly, h'es just a kid, he hasn't learned any of that yet.

Granny wouldn't have behaved like that to another adult. Some people think its ok to treat children badly just because they are children, there are some of them on this thread.

Gottagetmoving · 14/08/2017 12:23

Life must be bloody complicated in some mumsnetter homes Hmm Grin

gandalf456 · 14/08/2017 12:32

I hear you op. I find that annoying but can cope as an adult. I'd have eaten the sandwich just to shut her up and taken it as misguided kindness.

As a child it would have made me highly anxious and i might have had a panic attack and burst into tears. So i would take it as an anxiety reaction so no point in discipline but an explanation of how to handle it differently ( i.e. without shouting ) would be good

Willow2017 · 14/08/2017 12:33

not
Exactly. Apparently the stock answer to someone not taking no for an answer on MN is "fuck off" but a kid has to suck it up to 'please' the adult.

Lalalandfill · 14/08/2017 12:45

He's a kid

He responded badly, but he is a kid, he is learning.

Explain to him such a response is not appropriate, have him write an email of apology. If it happens again then worry.

mctat · 14/08/2017 13:13

'Granny needs to learn Boone wants her shit sandwiches.
'Ive been making these all day' Are you feeding the 5,000? Maybe spend 10 minutes making sandwiches, then you won't need to shove them down kids throats'

Grin
melj1213 · 14/08/2017 13:19

I hear you op. I find that annoying but can cope as an adult. I'd have eaten the sandwich just to shut her up and taken it as misguided kindness.

So you would have let her override your wishes just because she was persistent, yet said you can "cope" with someone being pushy? The only "coping" you would be doing in this situation is giving in and letting granny know that if she pushes you hard enough you'll do what she wants in the end.

Don't we hear, time and time again on this forum "DH asked me to do this, but I don't want to ... he keeps nagging me, AIBU to not give in?" or "DD really wants X for her birthday but I can't afford it without going into debt ... AIBU to keep saying no or should I buy it to make her happy?" or "Bridezilla wants us to go to Blackpool for her hen, attendance is mandatory but no babies are allowed ... I have a BF 3 month old AIBU to say no to her even though she'll get mad at me or should I suck it up and go to keep the peace?"

I have always taught my DD that she has autonomy over her own body. She gets to decide what goes in it, on it, how something feels to her and whether she wants something to stop. Nobody gets to overrule that decision, whether they are a child or an adult and she never has to do something she is really uncomfortable with just to keep the peace, she is allowed to say "No thank you/I do not want to do that" and walk away.

Obviously there are non-negotiables - things like "You must put on your school uniform on school days"; "You can't go to your friend's party in just your swimsuit and fairy wings" and "You cannot just have sweets for breakfast, have some toast" - but in general she is allowed to police her body and if there is something that makes her uncomfortable, or that she doesn't want she is allowed to say no.

I have always taught her that she is allowed to express her decision and have given her plenty of stock polite phrases to do so, but even if she is rude that doesn't make her decision invalid, just the delivery of it.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/08/2017 14:58

I've finally finished reading the entire thread.

What shocks me more than a child reacting poorly, is the lack of ability to read on this thread. So many on here seem to lack the basic skill of actually reading the words that are typed and not imagining their own version there and reading from that.

If you cannot read, then do not respond.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't discipline your son. I would have a talk with him about his delivery. Raising his voice is fine and understandable. Slamming his glass down, while completely understandable is not on an shouldn't be repeated in future. A calm talk with him about finding new ways to get through a tough situation that don't end up with him scaring others or getting himself angry (as it will only upset him more when he should have just been listened to) but he should be proud that he was able to say no and didn't give in to pressure.

The granny was in the wrong in my view. Asking once or twice is standard and expected I would imagine. Asking anymore than that regardless of wether it is a child or an adult, is being pushy and rude. Trying to guilt trip him is awful and I think could be classed as almost manipulative (obviously not in a menacing sense but still trying to control a situation with emotion) and that is awful to put on anyone especially a child who is already feeling unprepared and unsure what to do, he doesn't need the burden of guilt added.

In short. The granny was wrong and it is her actions that caused the situation to escalate. Your sons response was understandable but maybe a little heavy. A talk on how to better handle the situation and acknowledging that his reaction is understandable this time but won't be tolerated the next and a few ideas on what to say if it happens again. Maybe say to leave the table and don't care what others will be thinking if he does, because I'd rather people thought my child was rude to walk away (that I can then explain the reason why) than to think he could be violent even if you know he isn't.

Hope your son is ok and I hope you help him with how to better cope. It's hard, and I'm no saint myself.

Chestervase1 · 14/08/2017 15:08

Some people and children are shy about accepting food. Maybe she was just checking he had had enough to eat. The mother complained to his mum about his behaviour something I have never ever done.

Willow2017 · 14/08/2017 17:42

Chester
They boy had had quiche and salad, fruit and cake. I think he is the best judge of whether he is full up or not.

Continually offering the same food when repeatedly being told "no thank you" then wafting it in their face is not the sign of a good hostess, its the sign of someone who wants to impose their opinion on others cos their bloody sandwiches are more important than the person who doesnt want them.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 17:48

If you think someone who says no thank you several times is just being shy about accepting food, and that waving it in someones face is the same as checking that they actually meant no: for the love of jiminy please don't have any dinner parties!

Chestervase1 · 14/08/2017 19:10

Notever we have only got his word that it was waved in his face though haven't we.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/08/2017 19:12

Just the same as you only have the word of the host.. why are children less believed? In my experience they lie a lot less than adults.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 19:15

Yes, but we have a policy of believing people when they tell us what happened to them, don't we? Hmm

CoughLaughFart · 14/08/2017 19:19

we have only got his word that it was waved in his face though haven't we.

The grandmother could also be lying or exaggerating. So could the mother. The OP could have made the whole thing up for a laugh.

If you pick every thread to bits because someone could be lying, you may as well shut down the site.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 14/08/2017 19:20

Repetitive persistence is a useful technique in the world of work - we use it to try and get people to calm down so they can give first aid - but for a 10 year old who's full? Nope, that's just a pushy granny and a kid who's had enough of having sandwiches shoved in his face.

An adult would have said "I said no, thank you" quite firmly after the second or third time unless they're a total pushover. We're talking about a ten-year-old here; why do we expect them to have more patience with rude people than we'd expect an adult to?

grannytomine · 14/08/2017 19:22

My MIL was like the gran, using emotional blackmail to make you eat something you don't want. He didn't deal with it particularly well but it really wasn't his fault. I'd just have a chat with him about how annoying people can be and how to deal with it, although to be fair I don't know how you deal with people like that, with my MIL we told her if she didn't stop she wouldn't be seeing her grandchildren again but not a tactic a ten year old can use.

derxa · 14/08/2017 19:23

If you pick every thread to bits because someone could be lying, you may as well shut down the site. Grin Probably. Op's scarpered.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 19:28

She probably had enough of seeing grown women be so nasty about a little boy. HER little boy.

derxa · 14/08/2017 19:35

little boy. He's 10

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2017 19:51

He's 10
Sorry are you trying to say that's old? His brain will continue to develop for at least that time again and likely into his mid or possibly his late 20's. So yes, he's a little boy in terms of brain development and cognitive processing.

SenecaFalls · 14/08/2017 19:55

She probably had enough of seeing grown women be so nasty about a little boy. HER little boy.

Very few people have been nasty. The OP asked for opinions. That's what she got.

GetAHaircutCarl · 14/08/2017 19:57

The OP has far more on her plate than this thread Sad.

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