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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 19:58

little boy. He's 10

Yes, exactly.

People have been so nasty that MN felt the need to come on the tell them to stop it, which rarely happens. Perhaps look again.

GetAHaircutCarl · 14/08/2017 20:01

MN did not comment upon anything said about the child.

It was the inappropriate remarks made about some posters by others.

SenecaFalls · 14/08/2017 20:12

The comments that got out of hand were about another poster, not the child.

3EyedRaven · 14/08/2017 20:21

derxa Are you suggesting a ten year old is anything other than a little boy?
Lol, bet you're one of those people who think the parents have failed if their 16 year old isn't made to hand in their house keys on their sixteenth birthday, as they're now an adult or some shit.
How can anyone think a ten year old isn't a little boy? Wtf Confused

derxa · 14/08/2017 20:25

Are you suggesting a ten year old is anything other than a little boy? Yes and I still have my 20 something sons living with me.

3EyedRaven · 14/08/2017 20:37

So when do they stop being little? 4? 5? As son as they can walk? Talk? Lool

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/08/2017 21:27

Sorry but when do you stop being little? 10 is pretty little in my book. Not even out of primary school yet.

Willow2017 · 14/08/2017 22:19

Oh please there have been people telling the op
Her son will grow up to be an abusive adult over one little thing.

She has been told she is not teaching him how to bow down to adults.

She has been told he is basically an entitled brat cos he stood up to an adult.

She has been told no wonder there are so many entitled people today because of the way her son reacted to pressure.

She has been told that 4 - 5 outburst in 10 years is a sign of her bad parenting and he needs help before he attacks someone next time.

She has been told she is raising a 'brat'.

That his reaction to being force fed was 'not normal'

That he will use violence in the future to 'get his own way'.

If thats not nasty I dont know what is.

nina2b · 14/08/2017 22:31

10 is not "little". What a silly thing to say.

nina2b · 14/08/2017 22:34

"The average age for girls to begin puberty is 11, while for boys the average age is 12"

So, in effect, the 10 year old who behaved like a toddler is only two years from puberty.

letsmargaritatime · 14/08/2017 22:59

Yes willow, absolutely spot on

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/08/2017 23:23

Not at puberty yet though. A lot of growing up can happen in two years. From guidance on how to react calmly and walk away, not by being labelled an abuser and violent.

3EyedRaven · 14/08/2017 23:29

There's a big difference between 10 and 12.
Also, just because puberty begins at around 12, doesn't mean they suddenly reach maturity. Puberty doesn't happen overnight. They're hormonal wrecks for a few years, then they finally come out the other side. That's when I'd expect them to behave with more nuance, and be able to start navigating the complicated social structure that is 'manners' and how to be assertive, without being too assertive because someone might find it rude, how to sidestep someone's persistence etc etc.
Anything pre-pubescent is little to me. They're children.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 14/08/2017 23:33

Not read all the replies as there's 39 pages, but I'm torn on this one! I have a 10 year old. I was on the trolley in the supermarket thread a few weeks ago and I was saying the 10 year old was being a brat for cheeking an adult.
In this case, if this is actually what happened, I can see why said 10 year old got frustrated.
In adulthood, I have come across a certain personality that will NOT take no for an answer, however politely you say "no thank you."
At the age of 10 you don't have the emotional maturity to bat them off repeatedly (and I mean repeatedly.) It's hard enough as an adult standing your ground, never mind a 10 year old to an adult figure!
If he was repeatedly saying "no thank you" then the grandmother should have realised he didn't want one and STFU.

SenecaFalls · 14/08/2017 23:35

Little or not, whatever you call him, at 10 he's old enough to be guided as to how to make better choices, especially involving the use of physical force, which is especially concerning.

melj1213 · 14/08/2017 23:43

the use of physical force,

Oh ffs he "slammed" (and my grandma's "slammed" is my "put down heavily") a glass down, he didn't punch granny in the face and flip the table over!

SenecaFalls · 14/08/2017 23:46

Of course it's physical force. Look up the dictionary definitions of "slam."

3EyedRaven · 14/08/2017 23:56

Every single movement we make is by definition a 'physical force'. Hmm

SenecaFalls · 15/08/2017 00:02

OK so add the adjective "excessive" to my comments.

Jedimum1 · 15/08/2017 00:31

He said "no, thank you" several times. Maybe explain it's not ok to slam the glass, but to be fair, we have all been there when one is frustrated that is not acknowledged. I'd also be proud of him for asserting the no. We shouldn't teach kids that they should accept something to please other people if they insist enough times. That could potentially translate into saying yes to the dodgy friend offering drugs, or the random weird guy offering a lift, or the bullies asking him to follow them down the path. Sorry, but in the great scheme of things, I rather he can assert himself and upset a pushy grandma, than do things he doesn't want just to please others. I'd talk about the slamming and try to practise other ways to say it firmly, but to be honest I would not discipline but talk to him about respecting elders and maybe find ways to decline firmly without slamming or showing an agressive attitude. All this politeness is ok to a point, we should educate children to protect themselves and in my opinion declining firmly (after several "no, thank you") is a good skill to learn. We shouldn't ask children to accept something just because an adult insists.

mathanxiety · 15/08/2017 00:59

He wasn't force fed, WIllow.

He misread a situation, and used force to communicate instead of words. There are two problems there. Why was he so anxious?

A very sensible post, QuackPorridgeBacon.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 15/08/2017 01:12

Why was he so anxious?

Have you ever had someone completely shout you down, tell you yes, you do want something even though you've repeatedly said you don't but STILL won't take no for an answer and continue to push it/nag/whinge until you cave?
I'm assuming not. It's crap as an adult. A 10 year old saying no thank you and getting ignored won't have the experience or verbal/emotional skills to handle.

mathanxiety · 15/08/2017 04:49

4691
He believed he would be forced to eat more than one sandwich if he accepted the first one. Why?

The woman did not shout him down. She strenuously offered sandwiches despite repeated responses of 'No thank you'. Why would a child believe that he would end up having to eat more than one if he accepted one?

This is catastrophising, and it arises from anxiety.

He has responded similarly in the past when he has felt cornered.
every time he has done something similar it is when he feels backed into a corner
Even for a child to feel cornered 4 or 5 times, and to respond by 'exploding a bit' in 10 years is a lot. He is misreading situations.

Why is he misreading situations? I think this child comes across as anxious, and too frequently expects the worst possible outcome so sincerely that he blows past a normal sense of restraint.

melj1213 · 15/08/2017 05:28

Why would a child believe that he would end up having to eat more than one if he accepted one?

Because he didn't want one, but if he was pressured into taking it anyway why would that mean the grandmother stopped there?

If she had persuaded him to eat one, even when he said no 6 times, why wouldn't she be able to get him to eat another one, I mean he's already caved in once, why not a second time? Or a third?

melj1213 · 15/08/2017 05:30

Even for a child to feel cornered 4 or 5 times, and to respond by 'exploding a bit' in 10 years is a lot

An occurrence once every two years is not a lot. I genuinely think your perception of this child's behaviour is skewed by your experience which is making you project issues onto a child that do not exist.

If my DD9 had only ever had a tantrum or lost her temper once every two years I would be ecstatic, especially as she had three tantrums over various thing last week alone!

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