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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
Lavabravacava · 12/08/2017 12:51

Whether he apologises or not, he'll know you are 'secretly' impressed. He shouted at a granny. That's really bad. If anyone shouted at Granny at our house they'd be sent straight home, and yes she probably does offer too many biscuits.

Also, most kids in my children's friendship groups are encouraged to eat food that has been prepared for them, and say thank you. Allergies and major dislikes are normally mentioned in advance.

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:51

No, as English as fish and chips.

I don't think he reacted like that because of not liking the sandwiches but seriously, what can you do if someone won't accept a repeated no thank you?

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 12/08/2017 12:51

m.youtube.com/watch?v=N20wHvMPTGs

LEMtheoriginal · 12/08/2017 12:51

AHH GOO AHHNNN

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult
arsenalwatford · 12/08/2017 12:51

He was rude.

He was a guest and they were clearly concerned he wasn't eating.

LEMtheoriginal · 12/08/2017 12:52

Crossed posts!!Grin

Chestervase1 · 12/08/2017 12:52

You taught him "No, I said no" and seem quite proud of this. As a previous poster said why didn't you teach him to say "no thank you". I would have told you to come and pick him up where he would have been waiting for you outside.

Nonibaloni · 12/08/2017 12:52

I would say imagine it was your husband rather than son. If an adult had shouted and slammed a glass down in response to a persistent sandwich offerer it would not be ok.

Yes the grandmothers behaviour was annoying but was it lunchtime? Was this the only food being offered? Was she concerned he would have nothing to eat? Are they guests choose first people? None of that really matters.

I had a weird conversation with ds which ended with me saying that good manners was basically pretending you were happy and carrying on. But I'm also pretty hot not liking food.

Pollyann12 · 12/08/2017 12:52

Wow what a rude Child you have there. He could of handled his emotions better. Does he have anger problems in general?
I doubt he will be invited back there.
If he handels "annoying" situations like that now God help him when he's a teenager.
I wouldn't want him round at my house that's for sure.

LEMtheoriginal · 12/08/2017 12:53

On a serious note I don't think you should discipline just have a chat on how to behave when an adult is being a twat!

NataliaOsipova · 12/08/2017 12:54

"No, I said no" is a super phrase to teach kids when they feel fearful of some sort of attack. I can't think of any situation in which it'd be appropriate at a meal time, though. If food is such a sensitive issue then I'd avoid play dates, to be honest.

Anecdoche · 12/08/2017 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:54

When DS was a lot younger I taught him to firmly say 'I said no' in response to people trying to push him into something he didn't want to do.

So perhaps it is my fault.

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 12/08/2017 12:54

What exactly is the socially acceptable response here?

Exactly how many no thank you should we be expecting?

I just use the broken record technique but I'd love to know if I'm missing an easier way.

Sandsnake · 12/08/2017 12:55

Definitely rude, sorry. But I think I'd have a word with him and explain things rather than punishing him. Reacting in the way he did was unacceptable, especially as a guest in someone else's home. However, it sounds like he's taken your lessons about being assertive (not necessarily a bad thing) to heart and has misread the situation and what would have been appropriate.

As he gets older he should be learning that situations are not black and white. Adults don't always act perfectly - for example, not taking no for an answer with offering food - but that doesn't give him an excuse to act how he did. I think that the subtleties of more grown up interaction can come harder to some kids than others, but if you guide him in the right way then I'm sure your boy will get there.

Babbitywabbit · 12/08/2017 12:55

If the grandmother was really as pushy as your ds is reporting to, then obviously she was rude.

However, the other family's version of events may differ somewhat.

I also think that there are better responses you could teach your child... imo shouting no and causing a scene is appropriate for when a child feels a dangerous threat- not when they don't want a sandwich.

'I'm sorry, I really can't eat xxxx' etc would be more appropriate.

Sounds like you maybe had good intentions in teaching your son how to not be pushed into something by an adult, but it's going to be of limited use to him if he can't differentiate between situations where it's appropriate to about and where there are far better alternatives

MyWhatICallNameChange · 12/08/2017 12:55

Sometimes I think people should take reading comprehension tests before they can post on here. Hmm

It says plainly in the OP that he said No Thank You many times before getting to the "no, i said No" that the OP had taught him.

TBH I'd probably feel the same way after saying no so many times. It's obviously upset him, understandably.

But yes, he must show respect to his elders at all time, even if they're not respecting him and say yes to everything even if he doesn't want to do something. That's a good lesson to teach kids.

insancerre · 12/08/2017 12:55

A " no thank you I'm really not hungry" would have been better than aggressively slamming a glass and shouting " no, I said no!"
Manners is everything

dollydaydream114 · 12/08/2017 12:56

She was probably worried because he wasn't eating anything. Most grandmas love feeding people and would worry if a child wasn't eating at a meal.

Your son was rude and aggressive and needs to recognise that you don't shout and slam things around when faced with a minor irritation. Yes, it's annoying to keep being offered something you don't want, but it's hardly worthy of shouting and slamming things on the table. Does he scream and shout at people and lose his temper every time he's moderately annoyed by someone who is clearly well-meaning? I'd expect a two-year-old to have a temper outburst when something wasn't going their way, but not a ten-year-old. He's only a year off being secondary school age. Is he going to shout at his teachers when they press him on something?

His behaviour was very rude and not acceptable, sorry.

userofthiswebsite · 12/08/2017 12:56

Inappropriate response from your son. Aggressive behaviour (shouting and slamming things) is not something you should be encouraging or pleased about. I'd be a tad concerned at his reaction actually.

He easily could have said something like, "Really, I'm fine, I'm not hungry at all but thanks for offering them to me." Or 'Sorry but I really don't want a sandwich."

TartWithTheCart · 12/08/2017 12:56

If it was the other way round, and he had asked the grandma several times for something, but she shouted at him and slammed a glass down - would that be ok with you?

Babbitywabbit · 12/08/2017 12:56

shout

HipsterHunter · 12/08/2017 12:56

he could have politely taken one with the filling he hated the least.
he could have said he was full up
he could have excused himself to the bathroom and given himself a few minutes.
he could have said he was feeling unwell and asked to go home

Why shoudl he have to do that???

He didn't want a fucking sandwich. He said no thank you several times before loosing his cool.

We should teach people not to push other people when they have already SAID NO.

catkind · 12/08/2017 12:56

My sympathy's with the child. He said no thank you. Multiple times. It was very rude of the gran to keep pushing at that point, and no wonder a child might get flustered in that situation.

I wouldn't want to send him round there again anyway if it's a household that doesn't treat children with respect for their politely stated boundaries, so frankly just as well if they don't ask him.

AmysTiara · 12/08/2017 12:56

Sounds like he lost his temper. I think he was rude.