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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
Babbitywabbit · 12/08/2017 13:02

Thing is, your ds perception of her going on and on may differ from the grandma's view.

As a teacher I've seen numerous children overeact when asked or instructed to do something. 'Why are you going on at me Miss?' 'You're picking on me Miss!' Sigh, slam books down etc
And it's genuinely their perception- they honestly believe someone is 'going on' at them even though they've just been asked something a couple of times.

So tbh OP there is little point in canvassing MN views on this one because we weren't there and can't judge what actually happened

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 13:03

he could have politely taken one with the filling he hated the least. he could have said he was full up he could have excused himself to the bathroom and given himself a few minutes.he could have said he was feeling unwell and asked to go home

He's TEN. He doesn't understand adult responses yet, or how to do adult politeness

Because he is TEN.

RebornSlippy · 12/08/2017 13:03

Well if your were "privately honestly impressed" with his behaviour; this thread is a road to nowhere. Do what you want, OP. You will anyway.

For the record though, your son was out of order and should apologise. Slamming glasses and shouting at people is not the way to get your point across.

Longdistance · 12/08/2017 13:04

That was really rude of him. Slamming a glass down Hmm

He needs to deal with being under pressure better than shouting and slamming a glass on a table as this won't bode well when he's an adult.

SerfTerf · 12/08/2017 13:04

@faith people disagreeing with you means that they're disagreeing with you.

It DOESN'T mean that they've failed to RTFT.

maddiemookins16mum · 12/08/2017 13:04

You taught him 'no, I said no'.....
Nuff said.
YABU.

TartWithTheCart · 12/08/2017 13:04

Don't you think that if someone came on MN saying their child had continued asking a visiting adult to do something after the adult had politely said no several times, then started waving it in the adult's face, MN verdict would not be that the child had been incredibly rude and deserved whatever consequence came to them?

No, I don't. I think MN verdict would be that aggression of that kind is not acceptable, and not necessary.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2017 13:04

He didn't like any of them? He shouted and slammed a glass on the table? You were secretly impressed? Your bringing your son up to suffer as an adult. You yourself know he can explode, whatever this means.

He is ten. Teach him not to "explode" teach him its rude. Two wrongs don't make a right and whether the gran was wrong or not doesn't justify your son behaving badly in their home.

If you wish him to be able to make and sustain relationships, education, work, then teach him how to handle things properly and not this behaviour as it will damage him.

At ten he is old enough to know. But a ten year old exploding is very different to a 30 year old man doing so to his wife, child, or boss.

IdoHaveAName · 12/08/2017 13:04

Yes, I would discipline.

NotPennysBoat815 · 12/08/2017 13:04

She was rude. He was rude. Draw a line under it now.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 12/08/2017 13:05

I don't think he reacted like that because of not liking the sandwiches but seriously, what can you do if someone won't accept a repeated no thank you?

Not shout at them.

The phrase you taught your son is great to teach children to use in some situations, this was not one of them, and he certainly didn't need to shout it and slam his glass down.

MessyBun247 · 12/08/2017 13:05

'I said no' is s great phrase to use if a peer is trying to push him around. Not great with an adult though, it's the context which was wrong. Maybe speak to him about appropriate ways to speak to adults.'

Er...why cant he speak to adults and peers in the same way? If ANYONE is trying to push a child about, they can say a firm NO. None of this 'respect your elders' crap which basically means kids cant stand up for themselves.

Anecdoche · 12/08/2017 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notevilstepmother · 12/08/2017 13:06

I think perhaps how to deal with it is more useful.

I'd tell him to write a letter to apologise to his friends mum for his behaviour and another for Granny.

Elliemalan · 12/08/2017 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MeanAger · 12/08/2017 13:06

While I agree he responded badly I can totally see why he felt like that! How many times should he have to say no? She should have accepted the first one!

My mum has a terrible "mrs Doyle" habit and my younger son in particular gets very frustrated with it and often gets in trouble for his reaction. He usually ends up yelling "I said NO!" And she gets all uppity and says "oooh fine! I won't offer you anything again if that's how you're going to be!" Hmm

jerrysbellyhangslikejelly · 12/08/2017 13:07

I wouldn't punish him. It sounds like he politely declined several times and was pushed into the reaction he had. It's understandable that he got frustrated that he wasn't being listened to even if his reaction wasn't exactly mannerly, then again neither were they if they were trying to make him eat something he had politely said no to several times. I would talk to him and explain how his reaction wasn't very nice and show him how he could better handle it in the future but be clear he doesn't have to eat something or do something he doesn't want to just because someone keeps pestering him.

Happytobefree17 · 12/08/2017 13:07

We, wrong thread Ellie?

Anecdoche · 12/08/2017 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OSETmum · 12/08/2017 13:08

It's all a bit of an over reaction from all concerned isn't it?

Your son shouldn't have shouted and slammed a glass down.

Granny should have taken no for an answer.

Friend's mum shouldn't have made such a big deal about it all.

abilockhart · 12/08/2017 13:08

I do have to ask as i was honestly privately impressed with him.

Your DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table. You are impressed with him.

This says it all, really.

missminningham · 12/08/2017 13:08

Bless him. I would be quietly proud too. You can help him to fine tune his responses when you are with him. He is only 10 and it is such a valuable thing to be able to stand up for yourself, I've only learnt it from my late 30's. Of course sandwiches aren't threatening and there are other ways to deal with this but he is only 10 and learning, as are we all..

PippiLongstromp · 12/08/2017 13:08

Wow what a rude Child you have there.

And is this a judgement you pass based on this one incident? "Wow" straight back at you lady.

He is a CHILD, he is learning how to manage his emotions and how to navigate social situations and norms. In this incident, he was acting impulsively and saying out loud what would have been on anyone's mind in that situation. I think he sounds lovely and has a good sense of his own boundaries, which is much more valuable to a child than knowing exactly how to behave at all times. Behaviour you can learn, but if you grow up suppressing your thoughts and emotions you may never work it out as an adult (without extensive therapy!). OP is right to think about how to help her DS, because it is the adults responsibility to guide and teach a child what is kind and appropriate behaviour, you could not expect a child to know it perfectly in advance and call them a rude child when they get it wrong.

faithinthesound · 12/08/2017 13:08

@faith people disagreeing with you means that they're disagreeing with you.

It DOESN'T mean that they've failed to RTFT.

Sounds like you didn't read my post, either. My post was to the people who obviously hadn't read the original post, those people who came here to say "he was rude, he should have said "no thank you" when it clearly states in the original post that he DID say "no thank you", multiple times. My post wasn't to everyone. It was to those specific people.

But perhaps it's just harder to read from all the way up there on your high horse?

Trustmeimadoggroomer17 · 12/08/2017 13:08

No he's not rude, if it was yourself saying mil was doing this to you and you did what your child did mumsnet would applaud you! Just because he is a child doesn't mean he has to put up with some old woman forcing him to eat something when he has repeatedly and polity said no too. To be fair the childs parent should of stepped it and told him nom fuck them all being uncomfortable your child was uncomfortable when no doubt everyone was staring at him while this woman kept forcing him to eat something he did not want to eat. I applaud your child and if I were you I would ask the parent midnight g your ds why they didn't tell the lady to back off when he said no