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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do I do?

164 replies

confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:01

First time poster here, looking for some helpful advice because my head is an absolute mess.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two and a half years. We met at work when he was moved into my department and became close friends rather quickly. He was in a long term relationship at the time which ended horribly not long after we met (he claimed that he caught her sleeping with a mutual friend) and I was there for him and we subsequently got together a short while after they split up.

Everything's been great and last week he asked me to marry him which I said yes to immediately. We told friends and family and everyone was happy for us except for his eldest (of four) sisters who started acting off with both of us. I've always got along really well with her so I found her attitude really hurtful and wanted to speak to her but he said he'd deal with it. Over the last week I've noticed that they've been messaging a lot and he seemed really angry but still wouldn't talk about it.

Yesterday I had enough and rang her. She said that as he wasn't going to tell me, she would because she couldn't believe he was willing to marry me and still not tell me. His ex was pregnant when he left her and he has a baby son that he has never met or had anything to do with.

I am absolutely gutted. I can't reconcile the fact that this man who I love so much, who everyone loves, who is funny and kind and hardworking is capable of abandoning his child. When confronted, he kept saying that he didn't know if the child was his, that he was going to tell me eventually and that if she hadn't cheated on him then he wouldn't have left and I just don't know what to do. He's livid at his sister too but she maintains that she's done the right thing because, in her words, she's 'sick and tired of being denied a relationship with her nephew because her asshole brother was too much of a pussy to be a dad.'

I'm just completely blindsided. A week ago I was picturing my wedding and now I can't even look at him. What do I do? Would it be unreasonable for me to contact his ex? Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him? I just really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:01

Sorry this is so long by the way, I didn't mean to ramble on I just can't believe what's happening.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 12/08/2017 12:02

Of course it would not be unreasonable for you to consider this a deal breaker.

Why wouldn't he do the same to you?

FreakinDeacon · 12/08/2017 12:07

It's bad enough that he's seemingly abandoned his child but keeping it from you is awful. How can you ever trust him again if he is willing to hide something as big as this?

Sorry you're going through this Flowers

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:07

Thank you @MrsHathaway for replying. He just keeps saying that he doesn't think the child is his which is why he isn't involved otherwise he would be there.

OP posts:
Notevilstepmother · 12/08/2017 12:09

I'd want to know if she did actually cheat for a start, and if he can hide it from you that he may have a child what else could he be hiding.

Ffs he needs to take responsibility and get a DNA test and step up if he is the father.

His sister did the right thing in my opinion. He should have told you himself.

I'd take some time away from him to work out what you want to do.

Notevilstepmother · 12/08/2017 12:10

Well if it isn't his then why does his sister think it is?

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 12:11

Leave him.

He says he was going to tell you? When? When you were already married? When you had kids? When a teenager knocks in the door?

He is a liar. Chances are that he didnt cheat. You worked with him and were friends. He conveniently didnt mention her pregnancy while relying on you for support? Before you got together?

Why hasnt he had a dna test?

He is bullshitting you. His sister did nothing wrong.

Papafran · 12/08/2017 12:12

I would get more info on this before marrying him. Any chance you could speak to the ex-girlfriend? He might have lied about the whole cheating thing. He should at the very least have got a paternity test if there was any chance that it was his baby.

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 12:12

He just keeps saying that he doesn't think the child is his which is why he isn't involved otherwise he would be there.

Bullshit. If it wasnt his he would have had a dna test to prove it.

Even if the child isnt his, he still should have told you.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:12

@notevilstepmother she said that she's seen a picture from Facebook and the baby looks like him. I can't find his ex on Facebook so I imagine she must have blocked me for some reason. His sister said that his ex refused any of them contact because of him not being involved so I don't know if that's another contributing factor.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/08/2017 12:13

On the day the child was born he could have had a DNA test. The fact he didn't is very significant.

He has lied to you for as long as you've been together. He lied about the way the relationship ended and why his sister was off with him. He lied by omission by not telling you about the child. Furthermore he hasn't been a dad to this child in any way.

I think he's behaved so badly that you don't really know who he is any more.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:14

I feel so distraught that all of his family have known and probably most of his friends too but never said anything.

OP posts:
Elland · 12/08/2017 12:17

Wow, what a horrible situation to find yourself in. Flowers

I have no advice because it must be awful to make the decision about leaving him when you've been so happy and on a high from being getting engaged to them being thrown in to turmoil over him having a potential child.

Do you know any of his exes mutual friends that you could speak to to try and get in contact with her?

I do think you need to get her side of the story and see what she has to say before taking anything your partner says as the truth.

HerOtherHalf · 12/08/2017 12:18

A lie by omission is still a lie and you don't get a much bigger lie than this, do you? Not only has he lied to you but he has coerced his family into lying to you. How can you believe anything he says, including the story about his ex cheating on him? Add to that the fact that he has abandoned his child and is prepared to deny being the father (easily proven either way if he actually cared) he doesn't sound like a good candidate for staking the rest of your life and all your hopes and dreams on.

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 12:19

Dont blame his family or friends. They probably didnt know what to do. They should have told you, but he is the one to blame.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:23

I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming them I just can't believe how they all must have known but I didn't and how everything just seemed normal when there's been this big secret the whole time. When he split up with his ex I remember she was constantly trying to get hold of him for the first few weeks and he said she was trying to get him back and now I feel so stupid for believing him.

OP posts:
hendowoes · 12/08/2017 12:24

It's a horrible situation to find yourself in.

Something not too dissimilar happened to my friend. She got together with a guy we'd known as teenagers who'd moved away (but had come back to the area). We were all mid 20s by this point. They were together for about a year, planning to move in together. Talking about marriage.

Then one of his relatives dropped a bombshell that he was already married with a child. They'd separated (his wife cheated I think) and he'd left her and child to move back home...

Friend was devastated. They broke up immediately. She didn't feel she could get over it, she was so upset his family had concealed it for so long. As of course had he.

That said, whilst at the time she did what she felt was right, she does have some regret, as subsequent relationships haven't been great, and although she always wanted children of her own, never met anyone who was on the same page. Whereas after they split up her ex sorted himself out, started contact with his DC, got divorced, met someone, got married and had more children.

Not to say my friend wouldn't have regretted it if she'd stayed with him. You have to do what feels right for you. Just don't rush to either stay with him or end it. Take your time.

MrsHathaway · 12/08/2017 12:24

"Doesn't think" isn't good enough. "Absolutely certain because he'd been devastatingly castrated a year before she announced her pregnancy" maybe. If he was having sex with her around the conception date, especially during an actual relationship, he should default to the position that its his baby.

I can't stomach his disdain for her and for the baby. No wonder she won't see him ... or is that just what he says?

Your not-sister-in-law is a good person. Whatever happens, I hope you get a chance to stay friends with her.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:24

@Elland no mutual friends but they were together for quite a few years so his friends knew her well so they could have a way maybe.

OP posts:
ShitOrBust · 12/08/2017 12:25

If he did that to her, he'll do it to you.
total deal breaker.

MrsHathaway · 12/08/2017 12:26

If he did that to her, he'll do it to you.

Yes, this is exactly it. If he sees nothing wrong in his behaviour, he'll do it again.

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 12:27

Why hasnt he had a dna test.

The child has to be at least 2

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:29

Thank you all for replying so quickly it's really helpful. I don't know if the cheating story is true or not; if it was I don't know if that would make it any better?

I want to speak to her but I have a feeling she wouldn't want to talk to me.

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 12/08/2017 12:29

What do I do

I know what I'd do. Leave the bastard.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2017 12:31

I'm so sorry about this terrible shock you're dealing with, but your relationship is over. Sadly, your partner isn't the man you thought he was. For as awful as this this, be grateful you found out about this BEFORE you married him.

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