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Original poster

What do I do?

164 replies

confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:01

First time poster here, looking for some helpful advice because my head is an absolute mess.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two and a half years. We met at work when he was moved into my department and became close friends rather quickly. He was in a long term relationship at the time which ended horribly not long after we met (he claimed that he caught her sleeping with a mutual friend) and I was there for him and we subsequently got together a short while after they split up.

Everything's been great and last week he asked me to marry him which I said yes to immediately. We told friends and family and everyone was happy for us except for his eldest (of four) sisters who started acting off with both of us. I've always got along really well with her so I found her attitude really hurtful and wanted to speak to her but he said he'd deal with it. Over the last week I've noticed that they've been messaging a lot and he seemed really angry but still wouldn't talk about it.

Yesterday I had enough and rang her. She said that as he wasn't going to tell me, she would because she couldn't believe he was willing to marry me and still not tell me. His ex was pregnant when he left her and he has a baby son that he has never met or had anything to do with.

I am absolutely gutted. I can't reconcile the fact that this man who I love so much, who everyone loves, who is funny and kind and hardworking is capable of abandoning his child. When confronted, he kept saying that he didn't know if the child was his, that he was going to tell me eventually and that if she hadn't cheated on him then he wouldn't have left and I just don't know what to do. He's livid at his sister too but she maintains that she's done the right thing because, in her words, she's 'sick and tired of being denied a relationship with her nephew because her asshole brother was too much of a pussy to be a dad.'

I'm just completely blindsided. A week ago I was picturing my wedding and now I can't even look at him. What do I do? Would it be unreasonable for me to contact his ex? Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him? I just really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
youaredeluded · 12/08/2017 12:34

Seriously I would LTB. His true colours are coming out and he is a real arsehole!

Albertschair · 12/08/2017 12:40

I would really really struggle to get past the lying. What else hasn't he told you about?

He has a child. A child he has abandoned. If he is certain not (maybe just maybe they weren't having sex.... doubtful though) he still needs to step up and pay for a paternity test. They are a little expensive, but less than a holiday.

How many other children has he abandoned? What's to stop him from doing it again?

Liiinoo · 12/08/2017 12:40

Whether it is his child or not it is a very big deal that he did not share any of this with you. I don't think I would want to marry someone who withheld something like this for so long.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:43

I'm currently at my friend's flat as I just couldn't be near him at the moment, and I messaged him to say that I want to talk to his ex to hear her side, and he's said that all she'll do is tell lies about what happened. My friend reckons that they weren't actually broken up when he and I got together and that's why she was constantly calling him and texting him. God I feel so sick.

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 12/08/2017 12:44

He's an arsehole, my ex did similar - he DID tell me he had a child but that he was having contact, then several months in he claimed that his ex had stopped him seeing the child due to our relationship (they weren't together when we got together). Long story short it was all BS and he had abandoned the child, just like he abandoned our child, then the next one and now he's onto baby 4 with woman 4.

Your partner may be different, my friend was in a similar situation stayed with him and now they're happy and have a child together. The fact he doesn't pay maintenance though is problematic.

Why doesn't his family see the child just because he doesn't? Is that the ex partners decision or theirs? Just makes me feel sad when a child is denied one half of their family just because the dad is a deadbeat.

Schvitzing · 12/08/2017 12:47

He could have taken a DNA test but he never did. Was he not even curious? I think you're better off out of this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2017 12:47

Would you have got together with him knowing his ex was pregnant possibly with his child?

For me, the relationship seems to be built on a lie.

Do you want to get past that lie? Or do you want to run away?

Would taking some time out from the relationship (i.e. A break) so he can get himself sorted out - DNA test etc be a good move?

I really think you need to put up some kind of boundary right now regardless of whether or not you stay together long term. If your relationship carries on right now as if nothing has ever happened, are you not telling him he can potentially Lie and treat you how he pleases?

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 12/08/2017 12:53

That she'll tell lies? He's lied to you for two and a half years!

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:54

@seminormal from what his sister said, the rest of the family were really horrible to her after he left so maybe that's why, but I can't be sure as I don't have more details.

@mummyoflittledragon absolutely not, if I had known I wouldn't have got together with him.

I'm just so confused, its like he's a completely different person. How can he just abandon a child?! Sad

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2017 12:55

What is the point of talking to his ex? Never mind the fact that you really have no right to speak to her at all if she's not interested in hearing from you. But that's beside the point... He has deceived you horribly. It's inexcusable and unforgivable. You will never be able to trust this man. Move on.

GinisLife · 12/08/2017 12:55

What if it's true and he did catch her with someone else ? What if he'd always said he didn't want a baby with her and she did it anyway ? Even if you spoke to her will she tell the truth if she was in the wrong ? A bit surprised he wouldn't want to know if it was his or not though. He does have a responsibility if it is his.

MrsHathaway · 12/08/2017 12:58

He didn't say:

I'm so sorry for lying to you
I miss you
I love you
I want to make this right
OK, whatever you need

He said:

She'll tell lies

Because he's a heartless liar.

Notevilstepmother · 12/08/2017 13:02

I'm so sorry what an awful situation.

Rossigigi · 12/08/2017 13:05

What a mess. I feel for you OP. How would you feel if the baby turns out to be his?

Rossigigi · 12/08/2017 13:07

And obviously she kept calling and texting because she was pregnant... Sounds like they still may have been together sorry

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/08/2017 13:08

She could have cheated.
It could be another man's child and he could be reasonably sure of that.
He might have been so devastated and embarassed and belittled by the whole thing that he just wanted to wipe it from his mind.
His sister may not really have much idea what actually went on in his relationship and break up.

I would say that if you loved and trusted him enough to plan your life with him then you owe it to yourself and him to find out the truth. So talk to her, get a DNA test.

The fact that she didn't chase him via the CSA is maybe relevant. Was she perhaps aware that a DNA test would prove it wasn't his?

pictish · 12/08/2017 13:09

I think that despite the fact that she was pg with his baby, he left her to pursue a (dishonest) relationship with you...he may even have cheated on her with you. I think he ditched her for a better offer and didn't look back...even denying his own child. What a wanker. I doubt she'll 'lie' - I imagine she'll reveal him for a feckless piece of selfish shit he is. What's to stop him doing the same to you?

I know this must be an absolute blow - but at least you found out before you married him.

pictish · 12/08/2017 13:10

Either way - you need to know a lot more about him.

stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 13:10

I would have to end it. I couldn't be with someone who had lied to me for 2 years and I certainly couldn't be with someone who abandoned a child and didn't even bother with a DNA test (if he actually has genuine doubts). I would also be worried that others presumed I knew and didn't care that he had walked out on his girlfriend and baby, and angry at him putting me in that position.

charlie2405 · 12/08/2017 13:12

It's difficult. When me and DH were in the early stages of being together he had a one night stand. He didn't tell me and the first I knew was when csa called to say that she was demanding a DNA. However the birth date of the baby was after we had our first son. [hmm
Deb denied the girl was his and stated that he had no interest in DNA or seeing the child cause the dates didn't add up and she couldn't been his. However he couldn't actually remember the date he has slept with her but as her birthday was aftwr our D'S by 6 weeks that sealed it.
It transpired that his sister, my SIL had been approached by this woman on numerous occasions claiming the child was his and had told my DH about it. Both DIL and MIL lived in the same town as her. All of them knew and had been discussing it for months before I got the ohonecall.
I was seriously hurt that everyone had kept this from me. It made me wonder if DH had been lying and it was his afterall a d he had cheated. I was willing to forgive him and accept the child but he was adamant that even if she was his he didn't want anything to do with her.
His attitude actually made me consider why I was with him. He's always been great with our son and couldn't believe that had feel this way about another child of his.
DNA eventually showed she wasn't his but it wasn't the point. I still feel strange about it and his families "betrayal" years on.

Your not alone OP. I think a DNA is the way forward but your own feelings on the matter you'll have to work through. It's very fresh at the moment so give yourself time and some breathing space. Treat yourself kindly Flowers

VladmirsPoutine · 12/08/2017 13:13

Tbh at this point whether or not the child is actually his is neither here nor there. The fact is he lied and continued to lie. Lies by omission are still lies.
I'd thank the sister and also thank your lucky stars you aren't married or have kids with him and get the fuck out of that situation.

HipsterHunter · 12/08/2017 13:13

Has he had a DNA test? No... because he knos he is the father.

No good person abandons a child that might be theirs without checking...

sepep · 12/08/2017 13:13

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innagazing · 12/08/2017 13:14

What if it's true and he did catch her with someone else ? What if he'd always said he didn't want a baby with her and she did it anyway ? Even if you spoke to her will she tell the truth if she was in the wrong ? A bit surprised he wouldn't want to know if it was his or not though. He does have a responsibility if it is his.

Any reasonable person would get a DNA test immediately the child was born, if the mother had in fact slept with someone else.

In this case, I bet he didn't bother with a DNA test because he knows full well the child is his. This is probably a classic case, where the man spreads vicious and false rumours about the mother sleeping with someone else, to justify to everyone else why he left the relationship, and why he has no contact or responsibility for the child.

It works very well for the man, who is then usually seen as the injured party. Well done to his sister who has refused to accept his version.

confusedlady I wouldn't contact the mother now, she doesn't deserve to be disturbed with the drama going on in this man's life. You have enough information already about this 'man' to base decisions on about how to proceed with your life.

It must be a very disappointing shock for you, but it sounds as though you'll make the right decision for you.

magicstar1 · 12/08/2017 13:21

Or maybe he didn't get a DNA test because he knows full well the baby isn't his.
If you decide to talk to him, he will have to get a DNA test now if only to put your mind at ease.
Sometimes the man isn't automatically in the wrong.