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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do I do?

164 replies

confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:01

First time poster here, looking for some helpful advice because my head is an absolute mess.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two and a half years. We met at work when he was moved into my department and became close friends rather quickly. He was in a long term relationship at the time which ended horribly not long after we met (he claimed that he caught her sleeping with a mutual friend) and I was there for him and we subsequently got together a short while after they split up.

Everything's been great and last week he asked me to marry him which I said yes to immediately. We told friends and family and everyone was happy for us except for his eldest (of four) sisters who started acting off with both of us. I've always got along really well with her so I found her attitude really hurtful and wanted to speak to her but he said he'd deal with it. Over the last week I've noticed that they've been messaging a lot and he seemed really angry but still wouldn't talk about it.

Yesterday I had enough and rang her. She said that as he wasn't going to tell me, she would because she couldn't believe he was willing to marry me and still not tell me. His ex was pregnant when he left her and he has a baby son that he has never met or had anything to do with.

I am absolutely gutted. I can't reconcile the fact that this man who I love so much, who everyone loves, who is funny and kind and hardworking is capable of abandoning his child. When confronted, he kept saying that he didn't know if the child was his, that he was going to tell me eventually and that if she hadn't cheated on him then he wouldn't have left and I just don't know what to do. He's livid at his sister too but she maintains that she's done the right thing because, in her words, she's 'sick and tired of being denied a relationship with her nephew because her asshole brother was too much of a pussy to be a dad.'

I'm just completely blindsided. A week ago I was picturing my wedding and now I can't even look at him. What do I do? Would it be unreasonable for me to contact his ex? Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him? I just really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
thequeenoftarts · 12/08/2017 18:09

I think I would send her one last text message saying thank you for being so honest with me and for allowing me to call you and hear your side of the story. I really appreciate it. I will of course respect your wishes and not contact you again and I hope you and your baby have a wonderful life together. I am also sorry I believed him and never questioned his version of the truth.Thank you again for your time. All the best. (then delete her number) and kick that no good lying piece of shit out of your home and rebuild your life, change your number if you have to. Go no contact and forget his sad ass ever existed.

kittybiscuits · 12/08/2017 18:11

Sadly it's exactly what I expected. Cheaters always say they were cheated on. He will now say 'see I told you she'd lie'. I think his actions are indefensible. Whatever the ins and outs, he made no effort to support a child he knows he is. I'm sorry OP, I think you've had a lucky escape.

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 18:13

thequeen has it spot on.

Sorry op. Kick him out of your flat and never contact him again. Dont speak to him.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/08/2017 18:13

What queen said.

You have no beef with her. She's been honest and helpful considering she thought you knew.

And now you do know. Sorry to say it but what options do you really have? I could never trust him again. Sorry you've had to go through this

Questioningeverything · 12/08/2017 18:19

Oh fuck. I feel utterly awful for her. The man she loved seeing her pregnant then walking off but lining up a relationship first... sounds like my ex. The poor girl no wonder she's suspicious of you. And no wonder she thinks badly of his family, knowing there's his baby out there and this is the first you know about it?? No exactly looking good are they??

Ok so, go home. Order him out. If he will not leave, call the police and have them remove him. He has no right to be in your property as you've told him to leave, at this point his is a trespasser.

You can go on and have a lovely life safe in the knowledge that his sister finally did something good and set you free from this monumental wanksplash

stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 18:22

That poor woman. What a piece of shit he is, and his family don't sound much better with the exception of his sister who sounds like the only one unwilling to pretend an innocent child, part of their family, doesn't exist.

pictish · 12/08/2017 18:23

This happened to my friend. We met when our eldest children were babies. Six years later he walked out on her for another woman when she was seven months pregnant with their second. Years later again she was contacted by a woman who, as it turned out, was the mother of his first child...the one no one knew anything about apart from him. He had left her when she was pregnant, for my friend who was oblivious. He had never had anything to do with that child.
He had actually died before it all came out...but at least now his children all enjoy a relationship as siblings, thanks to my friend and the other mum.
He was a scum-sucking, deceitful piece of shit through and through.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/08/2017 18:27

What thequeenoftarts said.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 18:37

I sent a thank you message like @thequeenoftarts said. I can't believe he's done something like this, that he's been getting away with it and that there's people who've supported him! She said that lots of people believed him because he's 'a nice guy' and everybody liked him so they believed it must have been something she'd done. She said she has lots of support from her friends and family and some of his old friends too which is comforting to know. I've text him to tell him that I know everything and that he and his family need to leave and now he's just repeatedly trying to call me Angry

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 18:42

Dont talk to him.

He will try (possibly succeed) in convincing you she is lying.

As i said before, it doesnt really matter if she is.

He still kept this from you, he hasnt bothered having a dna test for a child that could be his (if she is lying) and he would never have told you. He was pursuing uou when you thought you were friends (he would have told a friend she was pregnant)

I totally believe her. But on the off chance she is lying, he is still a massive areshole.

Did he never tell anyone at work his gf was pregnant? If he was happy at first? That seems odd.

BubbleGames · 12/08/2017 18:48

What an absolute cunt!

19lottie82 · 12/08/2017 18:50

Oh OP you must be feeling awful right now. Once he's out do you have a friend who can come over and sit with you?

I know it feels like you've lost something right now but try to look at it as a lucky escape. You deserve a man who won't lie to you and abandon his pregnant girlfriend!

pictish · 12/08/2017 18:50

I think you need some space from him to process what has gone on. Time to think.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2017 18:55

I'd text him and tell him he has one hour to leave. Then I'd find a friend to go with you. They are so toxic. That poor woman. I'm sorry you're going through this. Flowers

Aeviternity · 12/08/2017 18:56

How awful that the others kept this from you for so long.

You had no idea you were 'the other woman' and he was leaving his pregnant girlfriend for you? He kept that very well hidden, and like I say, very cruel of his friends and family to maintain the deceit.

Him and his family and friends sound awful. Not a good environment for the future at all.

Lozzie12 · 12/08/2017 19:12

I'm so sorry this is such a mess for you at the moment but glad you found out. That poor woman, how incredibly difficult for her.

Toriamayrose · 12/08/2017 19:16

Sorry to hop in here but your situation sounds very familiar to situation I'm in right now but I'm the one who's pregnant, ex was all excited about baby right up till he got a new girlfriend 6 weeks before she was was due & now telling people he don't know if babies his etc, 39 weeks pregnant now & his actions let me know he isn't going to be here for this one now, yes i understand u want to believe him but please just know there are men & family/friends out there who do this all the time to pregnant women & yeah they always seem to be the nice guy, best advice I can give is take a break from relationship don't listen to anything he got to say to u.
Then when your ready not him speak to him first about how he feels about situation of having a possible child if he still don't want to know the child u have to ask yourself is that someone u want to be with or not who does that to a potential child, if he does want to do a DNA & start building a relationship with that child u still gotta ask yourself is it something u can move forward with,
Second talk to him about what the truth is if he just blames it all on her calling her the liar etc then I'm sorry to say u will never get the truth from him if he takes the actual decent approach and admits his faults in this then that's up to u if u can be with someone who has treated u the way he has & had no intention on ever telling u the truth me personally I'd be outta there,
From what I've read my guess is there's a hell of a lot of truth to this story or he wouldn't of told u he'd sort sister out back when he proposed no sister wants to intentially cause her family upset without very good reason, the things the ex has said add up such as friends the phone calls etc, love is a strange thing u believe what u want to believe so whatever he told u at be gaining of relationship u didn't want to question it so it was easy for him to hide it from u, nice bottle of wine with a few friends & knock your phone off tonight is best advice I can give for now

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/08/2017 19:18

I'm sorry that this has happened to you.💐
Get him out of your home now, don't allow him to stay.
Remember, you cannot build a strong relationship, on weak foundations.

ChristmasFluff · 12/08/2017 19:22

Oh my goodness. This could have been my brother you are talking about (it isn't - it all happened a loooong time ago). Exact same story.

The reason the family will have kept quiet is because he will have been telling them that he was going to tell you, and they would be urging him, and there would have been lots of threats and promises and so on. The older sister finally telling you is the proof of that.

My brother was a sociopath. Run now, while you can. When he opens his mouth, he is lying.

thequeenoftarts · 12/08/2017 19:26

I would answer his calls by text message so you have proof in case you need to involve the police. Send him this message

Our relationship is over due to your continuous lying and cheating. I have asked you to vacate my property and you have refused. I am giving you one final warning to pack up only what belongs to you and leave my property in the next 30 minutes. Since you moved in with next to nothing, it won't take you long to pack what is yours...Do not take any of my belongings with you when you leave.., Leave your keys on the kitchen table and get out. I will be at my place in 35 minutes with the police and if you and your family have not left my property I will have you all arrested for trespassing. Any further attempts to harass me by texting, calling or visiting my property will result in me calling the police..

innagazing · 12/08/2017 19:55

I wouldn't trust him not to take some of your valuables, such as a laptop or ipad etc. He's already refused to leave by text, so phone the police and ask for them to meet you outside the flat and then escort him from your home.
He's a lying cheating poor excuse for a man. Why would anyone want a relationship with someone like him?
You don't deserve this at all and will find someone else in due course that is more worthy of you.

orangesinpyjamas · 12/08/2017 19:56

Honestly get out of this. Even if you love him still it will never be the same again Flowers

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/08/2017 19:58

Are you okay OP ?

Jux · 12/08/2017 20:03

No, not his flat. If he won't go,call the police to get him out.

Re the ex. I would tell her that's one of the things he's lied to you about.

Frankly, I'd be dumping him now. He's lied all along, he's layng claim to your flat and is refusig to cooperate with you.

Tell his sister and mum to help him pack or go.

WORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORK · 12/08/2017 20:29

Reading this, I am shocked how similar my position is to his ex's.
My LTP left me when I was pregnant for the girl he'd been cheating on me with. He told everybody including his family (but except his gf) that I had cheated on him. The baby was even his idea, something he'd be harassing me for for years.
He stopped his family from seeing my son & no one (him or his family) have met my son either. Similarly to your partner's ex,
I don't want to go through a DNA test & Child Maintenance because I don't want anything to do with him. My life changed so drastically & his carried on as normal.

Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if you get pregnant. He's walked away from one child, he could walk away from another. He's a liar & manipulative.

You do not want to be with him five years down the line wondering whether he's going to run or cheat.