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Original poster

What do I do?

164 replies

confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:01

First time poster here, looking for some helpful advice because my head is an absolute mess.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two and a half years. We met at work when he was moved into my department and became close friends rather quickly. He was in a long term relationship at the time which ended horribly not long after we met (he claimed that he caught her sleeping with a mutual friend) and I was there for him and we subsequently got together a short while after they split up.

Everything's been great and last week he asked me to marry him which I said yes to immediately. We told friends and family and everyone was happy for us except for his eldest (of four) sisters who started acting off with both of us. I've always got along really well with her so I found her attitude really hurtful and wanted to speak to her but he said he'd deal with it. Over the last week I've noticed that they've been messaging a lot and he seemed really angry but still wouldn't talk about it.

Yesterday I had enough and rang her. She said that as he wasn't going to tell me, she would because she couldn't believe he was willing to marry me and still not tell me. His ex was pregnant when he left her and he has a baby son that he has never met or had anything to do with.

I am absolutely gutted. I can't reconcile the fact that this man who I love so much, who everyone loves, who is funny and kind and hardworking is capable of abandoning his child. When confronted, he kept saying that he didn't know if the child was his, that he was going to tell me eventually and that if she hadn't cheated on him then he wouldn't have left and I just don't know what to do. He's livid at his sister too but she maintains that she's done the right thing because, in her words, she's 'sick and tired of being denied a relationship with her nephew because her asshole brother was too much of a pussy to be a dad.'

I'm just completely blindsided. A week ago I was picturing my wedding and now I can't even look at him. What do I do? Would it be unreasonable for me to contact his ex? Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him? I just really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 12/08/2017 13:23

He's a liar, OP. If he'd volunteered this information - BEFORE proposing - you could maybe have worked through it. But you'll never ever be able to trust him. I'm so sorry this has happened.

stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 13:27

magicstar
He has told the OP that he doesn't think the child is his. That suggests an element of doubt for which the only appropriate response would be to be honest with your new partner and get a DNA test.

innagazing · 12/08/2017 13:32

magicstar8 Or maybe he didn't get a DNA test because he knows full well the baby isn't his.

If he knew full well the baby couldn't be his, he would have had no reason not to share that info with Confusedlady at the time. After all, he was using her for 'support' in the breakup from the mother.

I agree that sometimes the man isn't automatically in the wrong. I very much doubt that his is one of those occasions.

GU24Mum · 12/08/2017 13:32

Do you think you can trust him depending on the outcome? If not, then tbh it doesn't really matter whether the child is his or not.

If you think you can move forward possibly if you found out that the child wasn't his then he needs to get a DNA test. Personally it sounds a bit odd to me that the mother isn't pursuing him for maintenance.......

Awful situation for you - at least his sister had the balls to tell you.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 13:38

I have considered the possibility that he knew that the baby was very unlikely to be his and that's why he's never been involved but as some of you have already said, that doesn't explain why he wouldn't have a DNA test to be absolutely sure. I know I have no right to talk his ex but I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
GodIsDead · 12/08/2017 13:40

My brother did this exact thing. He got his gf pregnant then decided that he didn't want to be a dad and told all of us that the kid wasn't his because she'd been cheating. Sadly we believed him. Fast forward a few years and he got drunk and started crying to me about abandoning his kid and when I got angry he said he was just drunk and didn't know if she was his. I found his ex on Facebook and knew immediately that my brother was a complete piece of shit. My niece looks exactly like him. I spoke to his ex and she confirmed she'd never cheated and he literally just left and didn't come back when she was 9 months pregnant. Luckily for our family his ex is a wonderful woman and she has allowed us to have a relationship with my niece.
I'm sorry you are going through this OP, but you need to be prepared for the possibility that your fiancée has done the same thing. I know exactly how his sister feels and hopefully they will find out soon if it's his child and they can have a relationship with or without him. Hopefully.

Trb17 · 12/08/2017 13:47

Any man worth anything would chase a DNA test just in case the child was his as if it was he should want to know the child and support it. Anything less than this in my book is unforgivable.

Any man worth anything would have told you early on.

The fact that he and his whole family kept this a secret for so long would red flag everything for me and tell me to run for the hills.

Be glad you found out now, not after the wedding.

You could of course write to his ex. A long letter or email explaining how you've only just found out, how you've been lied to and how you'd love to talk. Perhaps she would speak to you then.

Though tbh I'm not sure I'd want to know and I would be too hurt by such an enormous betrayal to forgive it.

He's not the man you thought you knew.

MadeForThis · 12/08/2017 13:53

Could be that he is sure the child isn't his and isn't willing to pay for a DNA test. I would wonder why she hasn't contacted csa for maintenance.

However I don't know if I would be able to forgive such a massive lie. It wouldn't be hard to have told you from day one that his ex got pregnant by someone else but is now trying to claim it's his.

Create a new Facebook profile and search for her using that. If the child looks like him then you have your answer.

Even if the child turns out to not be his I would be extremely concerned about his ability and willingness to lie.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 12/08/2017 13:58

I'm going to ask a daft Q on a technicality here.

Can a man demand a DNA test if he is not on the birth certificate, the mother doesn't want one, the mother isn't claiming he is the father/pursuing for maintenance . In essence, can a bloke just rock up and demand a DNA test?

19lottie82 · 12/08/2017 14:02

still no, no one can force the mother to present the child for a DNA test, unless she wants to claim maintenance.

19lottie82 · 12/08/2017 14:03

OP I think his attitude to obtaining a DNA test here show you all you need to know.

mariemarie23 · 12/08/2017 14:03

My ex has never met our daughter. I've never asked for maintenance simply because I don't want anything from him. He isn't there for my child, paying maintenance doesn't make that any better, though I know it's what my son is entitled to. It's a much easier life this way as he is the kind of man who would see it as a redeemable feature, so maybe his ex has done it for the same reasons as me. I am the responsible parent, I am the one who is there for my child and will forever be, why would I ask for money from some feckless asshole and live with that shadow in our otherwise happy lives?

OP, I think you know deep down he probably is the father and I think you also know what you want to do in the face of this information.

19lottie82 · 12/08/2017 14:04

made surely if he was sure the child isn't his, he would be chasing a DNA at this stage to put the whole issue to bed so he could begin his new married life with the OP?

mariemarie23 · 12/08/2017 14:05

Sorry that was meant to say *daughter is entitled to! Not sure why it says son Confused

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 12/08/2017 14:06

So, the tread is making wild assumptions here.

The mother wants nothing to do with him and hasn't made any public declaration he is the father - that's deduced by no DNA test, no maint claim, no PR.

And your chappie is quite happy with that status quo.. I wouldn't rock the boat on that score TBH.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 12/08/2017 14:14

thinking out loud<

Women hold all the cards you know. She gets to choose whether to continue with a pregnancy or terminate, irrespective of whether it was a planned or unplanned baby. The man is completely inconsequential in the whole scheme of things. His immediate life depends on the womans wants/need/whims. He has no say in whether she continues with he pregnancy or not. If she does continue with it, she had the sole say in whether the baby gets kept, fostered or put up for adoption. A man does not have that same choice to walk away.

So even if this child is his, why should he suddenly be over come with paternal feelings for something he had no choice in? Pay for the upkeep if he must , but he shouldn't be forced to see the child.

And I'll be flamed for the temerity to hold that opinion.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 14:17

@stilldrivingmebonkers I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who abandoned me when I was pregnant, so if he is that father I can understand why she wouldn't. Like I said she kept contacting him after they broke up so I don't know what was said there, she might have asked him if wanted to be involved? I don't know Sad

He's asking me to come home so we can talk but I just don't trust myself to speak to him. His sister has messaged me and said that she thinks one of his friends will probably have a number or contact for his ex if I wanted to try.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 12/08/2017 14:20

still yes, possible, but I still think in this situation the OPs fiancé would WANT to get a DNA test so he could start a fresh with the OP?

stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 14:20

Men can go to court for PR/dna test if they have no other option. In this case though the ex was contacting OP's boyfriend so it doesn't sound like she was trying to deprive him of any involvement.

19lottie82 · 12/08/2017 14:21

Him repeatedly just stating "she's a liar" without any evidence or proof would be a huge red flag for me, esp as the sister says the child looks like him.

stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 14:23

Xpost with OP re ex contacting her partner after the break up.

OP do you trust him to be honest with you now? He's deceived you for 2 years. I would be tempted to get the ex's side. She might not want to know but it is worth a try.

innagazing · 12/08/2017 14:29

Women hold all the cards you know. She gets to choose whether to continue with a pregnancy or terminate, irrespective of whether it was a planned or unplanned baby

And that is why all boys and men who do not want to become a father should ensure that they use very effective contraception.

Simple really, when you think about it.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 14:30

I don't know really. The more I think about the beginning the more suspicious I am. Aside from her messaging him lots and him ignoring her at the start, he fell out with a few friends around that time too but he fobbed it off but now I'm wondering if they were mutual friends? He also moved in with me not long after we got together and he didn't have much so they were obviously still living together right up until the end, which I knew but now it's something that makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 14:35

It sounds like he left her for you. I would be really upset that some of his friends might think I knew and was supporting him in abandoning his child. Accusing her of cheating and denying paternity is a far better story for him to tell than a tale of him just being another run of the mill deadbeat. Even his own sister doesn't believe him, and he has lied for 2 years, at least by omission. Which version do you think is more likely?

innagazing · 12/08/2017 14:36

I think you need to buy yourself some time here. Tell him to move out of your home for the time being, while you process what's going on.
He'll do your head in otherwise.

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