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Original poster

What do I do?

164 replies

confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:01

First time poster here, looking for some helpful advice because my head is an absolute mess.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two and a half years. We met at work when he was moved into my department and became close friends rather quickly. He was in a long term relationship at the time which ended horribly not long after we met (he claimed that he caught her sleeping with a mutual friend) and I was there for him and we subsequently got together a short while after they split up.

Everything's been great and last week he asked me to marry him which I said yes to immediately. We told friends and family and everyone was happy for us except for his eldest (of four) sisters who started acting off with both of us. I've always got along really well with her so I found her attitude really hurtful and wanted to speak to her but he said he'd deal with it. Over the last week I've noticed that they've been messaging a lot and he seemed really angry but still wouldn't talk about it.

Yesterday I had enough and rang her. She said that as he wasn't going to tell me, she would because she couldn't believe he was willing to marry me and still not tell me. His ex was pregnant when he left her and he has a baby son that he has never met or had anything to do with.

I am absolutely gutted. I can't reconcile the fact that this man who I love so much, who everyone loves, who is funny and kind and hardworking is capable of abandoning his child. When confronted, he kept saying that he didn't know if the child was his, that he was going to tell me eventually and that if she hadn't cheated on him then he wouldn't have left and I just don't know what to do. He's livid at his sister too but she maintains that she's done the right thing because, in her words, she's 'sick and tired of being denied a relationship with her nephew because her asshole brother was too much of a pussy to be a dad.'

I'm just completely blindsided. A week ago I was picturing my wedding and now I can't even look at him. What do I do? Would it be unreasonable for me to contact his ex? Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him? I just really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 12/08/2017 14:45

You are not to blame in any of this mess, try not to think back to possible signs you may have overlooked. However your right her contacting him and falling out with friends does sound like something happened regardless of the baby situation. He needs to explain why he fell out with the friends and ask him what his ex was contacting him about in the early days of your relationship. Maybe email him the questions you want answered so you dont have to see him, or write down your questions and go with a friend to talk to him about it.

It may help to ask if she will speak to you, often you can hear both sides and figure out the middle ground which is closer to the truth.

He has no excuse for not doing a DNA test it sounds like he ran away from his responsibility and moved in with you leaving his ex and baby behind.

Your right if shes sure he is the dad then she wouldn't want anything to do with him.
If it is his child then what is good about him?
He abandoned his pregnant partner
He abandoned his child
He lied endlessly for years
He has shown what a shit dad he is so I definitely wouldn't have any kids with him.
Hes just shown what an absolute lowlife he is if that child is his.

If the child isn't his then he has still lied to you for years and should have been honest from the start so could you trust him?

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 14:49

He left her, pregnant, for you.

It Should not actually matter if the baby is his. He still lied to you.

What are his reasons for not taking a dna test?

Cakeycakecake · 12/08/2017 14:53

Simply put, the man is a massive liar. He sold you a fairytale and thank god for his sister and her honesty or you'd have married him not having a clue about what he truly is.
My ds2s dad knew I was pregnant after I did the test. He said I did it on purpose 🙄🙄 Said he didn't think it was his baby. Wanted a DNA test.
He then left me the entire pregnancy. Sent me a message when he knew I'd be close to due date and we met and talked. He said he knew the baby was his really, seeing me in person apparently made him see I was being honest(!!!??)
Anyway I told him I wanted the DNA done anyway. I didn't want to get to a point in the future where he threw at me 'I don't know he's even mine!'
He agreed. Just for his peace of mind. Hey, his money he spent. So ds was 2days old when test was done. Results back within a week.
He's with someone new and i'm sure it helped them both knowing for sure ds was his. He's a fab dad and sees ds all the time. That is normal process. DNA can be back in 5 days if you're prepared to pay.
Your man is beneath contempt in my eyes. He may not have believed the baby was his but he didn't even bother to find out.
He will do it again. To you or the next one. He should have the snip and be done with it the bloody coward. And all this time and he's not even paid for his child... scum.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 15:25

I've got her number. What the hell do I say to her? She must think so badly of me Sad

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 15:28

Call her and introduce yourself.

First thing to say is that you understand he has been lying. If she gets that you are not in his side anymore, she is less likely to hang up.

innagazing · 12/08/2017 15:40

You'd better ask her right at the start whether she'll hear you out if you do decide to ring her. Maybe it would be better to see her face to face to talk?

stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 15:43

Could you text her in the first instance? Ask if she is willing to talk. It gives her time to compose herself and think it over rather than being put on the spot.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 15:47

I was going to text her first, mainly for the reason that @stitchglitched said. All I've got so far is 'Hello ex, this is confusedlady, x's girlfriend. I know this is out of the blue and I'm sorry to bother you...'

That's it Confused

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 12/08/2017 15:47

I agree send her a text first, explaining who you are, you are just interested in establishing the facts and you by no means are on "his side". Give her a chance to process the situation.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/08/2017 15:54

"and I'm sorry to bother you but I think that Fred may not have been completely honest with me about the date and circumstances of you twos break up. Could we meet up perhaps talk on the phone?"

LunarGirl · 12/08/2017 15:58

I'm not saying you shouldn't contact her. I would want to as well. But at the same time, what is she going to say to you to make this all OK? Is there a situation which would make you want to stay with him? Ultimately he knew about this baby and the possibility that it was his. He chose to ignore rather than find out whether he has a child. I'm not so sure I could move past that. What's to stop him doing the same to you?

I'm sorry you're going through this it must be a terrible shock Flowers

FuckMmmBop · 12/08/2017 16:00

My step brother did this. I told our parents at the time, everyone ignored the situation. Sad. Although tbh his son was probably better off without that oxygen thief in his life. 17 Years later his son knocks on the door because he's curious.

LavenderDoll · 12/08/2017 16:04

Send her a brief text explaining the situation and see what she responds

crazykitten20 · 12/08/2017 16:06

This is terrible for you. But in a few months/a years time you'll look back and thank god that you dodged a bullet BEFORE you got married. God bless his sister. You are very very lucky to have found this out in time 💕💕

Floralnomad · 12/08/2017 16:06

I wouldn't contact her at all . If you want to believe him and feel there is some hope of staying together I would tell him that he needs to get a DNA test done so at least you know what exactly you are dealing with . What is the point of speaking to her , presumably he doesn't pay maintenance for their child , what exactly do you expect her to say and do you really think she's going to be honest with you .

crazykitten20 · 12/08/2017 16:09

I think the OP wants to clear her name @Floralnomad

Imo that almost never works - people don't just roll over and believe you because you want them to

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2017 16:13

Just say you have just literally found out, you are horrified, you were totally unaware of the situation, could you discreetly chat? You do not want to cause any disruption to her life but need to make a decision on your relationship with him based in what you've just learned,

You need to look like you're not contacting her to be horrid or cause her problems. I also think he cheated on his pregnant girlfriend with you , dumped her and abandoned his child.

I suspect if pushed he will not get a DNA test even now as he knows the child is his son and she didn't cheat. He did.

Floralnomad · 12/08/2017 16:15

Why on earth would she believe the OP , I reckon half the OW say they were lied to at the start of a relationship , most of the time that's bollocks or they were deluding themselves .

19lottie82 · 12/08/2017 16:15

I think the OP should contact her. If she doesn't then she will always be wondering.

As suggested just send a text, they the ex doesn't have to answer it if she doesn't want to.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 16:24

I've sent it. I said 'Hi ex it's confusedlady, fred's girlfriend. I'm sorry to bother you but I was hoping to talk to you as I've recently found out that Fred has been lying to me about some things including the fact that he might have a child. I know you don't owe me anything and I'll understand if you ignore this but I would be grateful if we could talk. Thanks.'

I've told him that I've messaged her and he is furious, has said that I'm a 'fucking idiot' for doing it because 'she's just gonna lie and lie.' I pointed out that he'd been lying to me for a long time now and he said that he didn't know what else to do. I've asked him to get out of my flat until I've decided what to do but he's refusing, says he can't leave because his mum and youngest sister have come round to 'support him'.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 16:27

Is it your flat?

Not got his name on it?

If so get him out

Papafran · 12/08/2017 16:29

I hope you find out the truth.

However, I would dump him anyway for lying to you, regardless of what the ex says. He doesn't sound like a good person and calling you a fucking idiot is out of order.

Papafran · 12/08/2017 16:30

Oh and what Gorgosparta said- tell him to fuck off or you will have the locks changed.

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 16:33

Op does it matter what she says?

Lets say she did cheat and there is a high chance the baby isnt his. That he had broken up with her when he got with you.

Are you ok with him not telling you? You supported him as a friend at first. Do you not find it odd that he didnt mention she was pregnant? To a friend who was supporting him?

He was obviously after you then and wasnt looking for support at all, hasnt bothered to find out if this child is his and kept it all of this from you. Then proposed and still didnt tell you.

Why would you be ok with that?

WhiskyIrnBru · 12/08/2017 16:34

Op you appear to have included his name In your post.