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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do I do?

164 replies

confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:01

First time poster here, looking for some helpful advice because my head is an absolute mess.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two and a half years. We met at work when he was moved into my department and became close friends rather quickly. He was in a long term relationship at the time which ended horribly not long after we met (he claimed that he caught her sleeping with a mutual friend) and I was there for him and we subsequently got together a short while after they split up.

Everything's been great and last week he asked me to marry him which I said yes to immediately. We told friends and family and everyone was happy for us except for his eldest (of four) sisters who started acting off with both of us. I've always got along really well with her so I found her attitude really hurtful and wanted to speak to her but he said he'd deal with it. Over the last week I've noticed that they've been messaging a lot and he seemed really angry but still wouldn't talk about it.

Yesterday I had enough and rang her. She said that as he wasn't going to tell me, she would because she couldn't believe he was willing to marry me and still not tell me. His ex was pregnant when he left her and he has a baby son that he has never met or had anything to do with.

I am absolutely gutted. I can't reconcile the fact that this man who I love so much, who everyone loves, who is funny and kind and hardworking is capable of abandoning his child. When confronted, he kept saying that he didn't know if the child was his, that he was going to tell me eventually and that if she hadn't cheated on him then he wouldn't have left and I just don't know what to do. He's livid at his sister too but she maintains that she's done the right thing because, in her words, she's 'sick and tired of being denied a relationship with her nephew because her asshole brother was too much of a pussy to be a dad.'

I'm just completely blindsided. A week ago I was picturing my wedding and now I can't even look at him. What do I do? Would it be unreasonable for me to contact his ex? Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him? I just really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Dancinginthemidnight · 12/08/2017 20:51

What an absolute bastard.

SabineUndine · 12/08/2017 20:59

I would have put money on the situation being exactly what his ex has told you, even before you'd confirmed it. He lied to her, he left her with no support, he lied to you and turned you into the OW. I know what I'd do.

pinkpantherpink · 12/08/2017 21:12

Sounds like you're well off out of it.

Sadly I've seen this sort of thing before. The man concerned has either left the relationship when his girlfriend is pregnant, or before the child is 2. Desperately sad situation. He has cheated on every girl he has been with.

Walk away. Good luck with whatever you choose to do x

BlessYourCottonSocks · 12/08/2017 21:14

I would stay at your friend's house tonight if you can. If you own your property then send him a text saying you expect him out of the house by 11.00am tomorrow, say, and that if he is not gone by then you will phone the police and have him removed.

Tell him you have taken legal advice and that, as the property is yours, you have every right to insist he leaves. I would probably add that if he has any hopes of your relationship continuing he needs to do this.

(And then I'd get the locks changed on Monday and make sure his stuff was collected by older sister to return to him.)

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 12/08/2017 21:22

Oh dear, I'd say she is telling the truth, hence the "she will lie" crap he gave you first.

One thing though, are his family toxic like she said? I'd say his sister sounds like a good 'un given she wouldn't let him continue his lie.

PerfectPenquins · 13/08/2017 00:44

What an utter bastard. I would fill the sister in on everything the ex said so she knows the other side aswell. Then get to yours with some mates give his mum and sister some home truths about their darling son/brother they are there to support and kick the lot of them out calling the police if you have to.

Neverknowing · 13/08/2017 01:01

I guess you can never really know someone. That's so crazy. I hope you're okay op?

19lottie82 · 13/08/2017 08:36

Hope you're okay OP x

Meatycankles · 13/08/2017 20:24

Any update?

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/08/2017 03:44

Ltb

He's a damn liar.

Don't make excuses for him. You've had a lucky escape finding out now and are able to save yourself from future misery.

If you stay with him you only have yourself to blame.

Scrumptiousbears · 14/08/2017 04:52

What a horrible thing to go through. I hope you've found the strength to fuck him off.

LineysRun · 14/08/2017 05:41

I guess you can never really know someone

Scary thought.

eatabagofdicks · 15/08/2017 11:37

How are you doing Op?

Rossigigi · 18/08/2017 14:38

Hope you are doing ok OP x

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