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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do?

164 replies

confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 12:01

First time poster here, looking for some helpful advice because my head is an absolute mess.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two and a half years. We met at work when he was moved into my department and became close friends rather quickly. He was in a long term relationship at the time which ended horribly not long after we met (he claimed that he caught her sleeping with a mutual friend) and I was there for him and we subsequently got together a short while after they split up.

Everything's been great and last week he asked me to marry him which I said yes to immediately. We told friends and family and everyone was happy for us except for his eldest (of four) sisters who started acting off with both of us. I've always got along really well with her so I found her attitude really hurtful and wanted to speak to her but he said he'd deal with it. Over the last week I've noticed that they've been messaging a lot and he seemed really angry but still wouldn't talk about it.

Yesterday I had enough and rang her. She said that as he wasn't going to tell me, she would because she couldn't believe he was willing to marry me and still not tell me. His ex was pregnant when he left her and he has a baby son that he has never met or had anything to do with.

I am absolutely gutted. I can't reconcile the fact that this man who I love so much, who everyone loves, who is funny and kind and hardworking is capable of abandoning his child. When confronted, he kept saying that he didn't know if the child was his, that he was going to tell me eventually and that if she hadn't cheated on him then he wouldn't have left and I just don't know what to do. He's livid at his sister too but she maintains that she's done the right thing because, in her words, she's 'sick and tired of being denied a relationship with her nephew because her asshole brother was too much of a pussy to be a dad.'

I'm just completely blindsided. A week ago I was picturing my wedding and now I can't even look at him. What do I do? Would it be unreasonable for me to contact his ex? Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him? I just really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 16:35

I could be wrong but i think fred is a fake name

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 12/08/2017 16:35

Hmm, I'm all for giving him the benefit of the doubt because she could be a liar who cheated on him, it's not automatic that male = lying evil and woman = always right. But his reaction isn't giving me any faith in him.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 16:43

No Fred isn't his real name.

Even if she had cheated on him, he still should have done a DNA test surely?

It is my flat but he says that as he contributes to all the bills and mortgage that I can't just tell him to get out.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/08/2017 16:44

If a DNA test says the baby isn't his I might believe he had been certain of this, hence never contacted the child/ supported the mum. However if so you think he'd be telling the op why he was so certain. Anything else and I think dealbreaker . A man abandoning a child, no contact and paying no maintenance is one of the least sexy things I can think of. Certainly not relationship potential.

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 16:44

Of course he should have had the dna test. He also shouldnt have lied to you.

Him Contributing to bills gives him to legal right to stay there.

FoxyRoxy · 12/08/2017 16:45

If his name isn't on it op then you can tell him to leave, he should have the good grace to give you some space to process all this as it is.

peachgreen · 12/08/2017 16:52

I agree with @Gorgosparta - whether the child is his or not is quite beside the point - he lied to you for such a long time and was willing to base a marriage on that lie. Also he's a scumbag for not leaving YOUR flat when he's the one in the wrong.

FuckMmmBop · 12/08/2017 16:58

It doesn't matter, it's your flat! Go there and tell him, his mother and sister to leave. If they refuse call the police.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 17:02

She's replied Shock

'I'm going to assume this is genuine, otherwise you've really got some front seeing as you two were carrying on for quite a few weeks before he left me. What do you want to know exactly?'

Oh god I feel sick.

OP posts:
crazykitten20 · 12/08/2017 17:05

He's a twat. LTB.

You need to explain and apologise to that poor woman imo

Papafran · 12/08/2017 17:06

Jeez. What a scumbag. Those don't sound like the words of someone who was shagging around behind her boyfriend's back. At least you know now before you have married him and intermingled your finances with his. Thank god for his sister.

If she is willing to talk, I would definitely want to know what her take on the paternity issue is. Then I would calmly put all his stuff in bin bags outside the door and tell him to never call me again.

innagazing · 12/08/2017 17:08

It is my flat but he says that as he contributes to all the bills and mortgage that I can't just tell him to get out.
He's wrong. Call the police if need be. Or even better, just change the locks when he's out. Less drama and quicker. Call the police if he gets lairy on the doorstep.

SprinklesandIcecream · 12/08/2017 17:09

Oh dear OP, what a horrible situation you've found yourself in. Flowers

Kudos to his sister telling you though.

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 17:10

Reiterate you thought that they had already split and got close because (as far as you knew) you were being a friend helping him through his breakup.

Ask again if you can call her

pictish · 12/08/2017 17:10

So you're a 'fucking idiot' and his ex will 'lie and lie' about him will she? Except you're not... and why would she?
He's shitting himself because he knows you're going to find out the truth about him, which is that he walked out on his pregnant girlfriend for a shiny new toy without a backwards glance and then spent the next two years fabricating bullshit about her and denying the existence of his own child. That's the truth and he knows it. He's the fucking idiot and he has lied and lied.

Gorgosparta · 12/08/2017 17:12

If she doesnt want to speak to you on the phone, text her what you have been told by him.

Papafran · 12/08/2017 17:13

It is my flat but he says that as he contributes to all the bills and mortgage that I can't just tell him to get out

No, not unless you had an agreement to share ownership of the flat. If he has just been giving you some money for the mortgage and bills, that would be highly unlikely to lead to a court saying he had an interest. Especially for such a short period of time.

Anyway, it is for him to bring it to court and argue the toss if he is that stupid. For now, it is in your name, he has no legal right to occupy, so yes, you can tell him to get out. And I definitely, definitely would. By refusing to move out when you have just had news like you have just shows what an utter, utter arsehole he is.

Libitina · 12/08/2017 17:16

Tbh at this point whether or not the child is actually his is neither here nor there. The fact is he lied and continued to lie. Lies by omission are still lies.I'd thank the sister and also thank your lucky stars you aren't married or have kids with him and get the fuck out of that situation.

This. With knobs on!

crazykitten20 · 12/08/2017 17:25

It is my flat but he says that as he contributes to all the bills and mortgage that I can't just tell him to get out.

Bollox. That is utter bollox.

Do you normally just believe him verbatim? Girl.... you need to stop and get rid of this slug.

stitchglitched · 12/08/2017 17:31

The fact that he is calling you names and ignoring your request for him to leave your home says everything about the type of man he really is. I hope you get some amswers from his ex. That poor woman though, if her take is true. Cheated on and left with a baby whilst he swans around with his new girlfriend and rewrites history to make himself the victim.

pictish · 12/08/2017 17:33

Oh and he has no claim on your home to speak of. None.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2017 17:33

I think I would arrange to meet her, OP. You'll get much further that way now, rather than through texting.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 12/08/2017 17:44

Oh dear. Reiterate to her that you were under the impression their relationship was over and that you would like to talk.

innagazing · 12/08/2017 17:54

He's telling you who he really is. Listen to him carefully.

Original poster
confusedlady123 · 12/08/2017 18:03

I called her, thankfully she answered.

She says the baby is his and he knows it's his because when she found out she was pregnant, he was really excited and keen about being a dad. After she had her first scan, he started acting weird and based on what we can figure out date wise, that wasn't long before he and I started seeing each other properly which means that he was cheating on her with me. She said she confronted him about us messaging a lot but he denied anything was going on and then broke up with her, telling her that he didn't love her but he'd be involved with the baby.

She said she tried to contact him lots about things like buying things for the baby, the surname, if he wanted to come to scans and stuff but he either ignored her or told her to leave him alone. She said the cheating story came about not long after he left and it's not true, that she's never been 'silent' about being pregnant or him being the father, she just didn't go round broadcasting it on social media etc. I asked her why she'd never pushed for money or a DNA test and she did she didn't want money from him and didn't want to waste time that could be spent being a good mum on chasing him when he clearly didn't want to know. She also referred to his family as 'absolutely toxic' and hadn't needed to refuse them contact because they'd never bothered and assumed it was because he's told them not to.

She doesn't fully believe me that I didn't have some sort of idea and told me not to contact her again.

I can't believe this Sad

OP posts: