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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the police are a bit of a let down? (Lots of swearing inside)

155 replies

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 09:48

Yesterday afternoon, I went to go to the supermarket with my friend and two children (1 & 7). As I went to pull into the supermarket, a car came around the round about, not indicating. I braked and in frustration, threw my hands up.

The car in front stopped dead in front of me as I pulled in to the car park and the passenger, a middle aged woman, came up to my window and started shouting and screaming at me.
I said that I was frustrated as they hadn't used their indicator on the roundabout and that it's possibly going to cause an accident for someone.
She told me I was "a fucking joke" "ducking disgusting" "who did I think I was". At this point, I interrupted her and said that there was absolutely no reason to be shouting and swearing at me, especially in front of my young children. She then said "I don't give a fuck about your fucking children, you fat fucking cunt". Then walked off and got back in her car and drove off.

Relatively shaken and upset, I went and parked my car and got my children out. I had my 1 year old son in my arms. As we walked into the shop, my friend pointed out that the car was parked (on the double yellow lines right outside) and to get the registration. I'd left my glasses in the car so couldn't see without getting much closer, so took a photo of the car that I'd be able to zoom in on.

Was genuinely scared of going into the store knowing they were probably in there. Ran in and hurried everyone along to be able to get out asap. Went to the self checkouts and was scanning items, where this woman ran up to me, taking pictures of me and my children and telling me to smile for the camera. Shouted at me that I was pathetic and I was disgusting etc. She then came around into the self service area and was extremely up close, continuously berating me. I remained calm the whole time, didn't shout etc. She continued to go off at me right til I was walking out of the shop when she then told ME to leave her alone and I responded with "I haven't done anything, you sad old woman."

Hurried back to my car with my children and burst into tears and phoned the police to report it.

And they're going to do absolutely nothing. They won't contact the owner of the car (who was obviously her partner/husband) because "he will just deny knowledge of who she is or how to contact her". Despite the fact there's CCTV from her getting out of the car and coming and shouting at me, despite the fact there's cctv of her taking pictures of me and my children and berating me in self checkout. Despite having my friend as a witness as well as staff from the supermarket.

I just feel so .... let down. It's not even like I was going to go after a prosecution, but knowing that this woman has completely got away with this without even having a talking to from the police.

My 7 year old is completely shook up as she was scared of what this woman could or would do (though bless her, kept telling me I wasn't fat I was just cuddly).

I wish I hadn't bothered to stay calm.
My poor friend feels awful because she didn't want to start saying things to her and make it look like we were ganging up on her.

I'm just so frustrated that the police aren't even going To try. All I've been told is that the number plate is logged with the crime and that if it flags again then it will "paint a bigger picture" but at this time it's not know to them (6 month old Mercedes).

I feel completely and utterly downtrodden and down today.

OP posts:
AgainPlease · 11/08/2017 11:59

I really don't want to be the person to say this, but the police have bigger and more troubling things to deal with. Domestic abuse and violence, knife crime (32,000 in 2016), terrorists, rapists, murders (Just under 700 a year), acid attacks (500 for the first half of this year)... I could go on.

A woman got shouty at you and that's distressing but honestly what do you expect the police to do? Trawl through hundreds of cctv cameras trying to match her face to what? She'll only come up if she already has a criminal record. Assuming they were able to match her face in the first place.

And the vehicle registration - you expect police to track down the owner and then what? Go around to their house and tell them off?

No crime has been committed.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 12:02

As an old friend of mine used to be fond of saying to me duckandpancakes.

"You can't educate 'em".

butterfly198615 · 11/08/2017 12:15

The police are ridiculous where you live.
A family member has had a few run ins like yours and the police have gone round to the person's house and gave them a warning.
She was verbally assaulting you and you had children with you. You didn't retaliate and kept calm and there are going to be the cctv and witnesses so she cannot deny it. The least you want is the police to go and have a word with her.

HiJenny35 · 11/08/2017 12:27

I think you wasted the police time by going to them. You had an argument, you carried it on my going and taking a photo of the car if you hadn't of done that they wouldn't have started taking photos of you. Yes they were totally out of order and rude but with the police so overstretched and underfunded what did you expect them to do with a case that would obviously not have charges brought yet would need to take statements, find them, visit the house, take their statements, compare them, return to each party to discuss, file and complete all the paperwork to say it was going no further etc. If you dont think it's right lobby your mp for increased police funding rather than blaming the police.

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 12:34

I always feel you can't do right.

If I hadn't taken the number plate (whilst keeping my distance) and something had happened, I'd have been asked why I didn't.

If I hadn't reported to the police the events that happened, and then something else had happened (an attack on my car, aggressive driving after leaving the supermarket, being followed home) I'd have been asked why I had t reported the first incidents before that had happened.

Yes, I was "lucky" that nothing else happened after that. If I see this woman again and she once again does something or damages my car etc, I have her already reported (even if it is just as a strange who's name I don't know) which may make them take it more seriously. If she does this again to someone and causes an accident or gets violent, the car etc is known to the police so they can compile more evidence against her.

If I'd done nothing at all I'd have been wrong.
Taking details and reporting what happened was wrong.

Like I say, I phone 101 for advice because I was scared. They asked me if I would want her to be spoken to about her actions and I said yes.

OP posts:
tiredbutFINE · 11/08/2017 12:46

If I were you I would contact the supermarket- it happened in their car park and store. Not their fault, clearly, but they might be able to reassure you for future visits. Or if she is known to them and has "form" for this kind of madness, they might be able to ban her from the store

purits · 11/08/2017 12:51

That's the police for you. Tallies with my every interaction with them, ever.

Same here. The police never do anything - not even in the days when the Government were throwing money at public services.
I was brought up to respect the police and believe in them. I thought only baddies didn't like the cops. However, over the years I have come to realise that they do not return the respect. They don't believe in good citizens who need protecting. In situations like this they just say everyone is in the wrong. Look at the recent case of the gang rapes of girls in Tyneside: the police didn't protect the girls and instead they prosecuted them, when they confronted their attackers, on the basis of racial abuse.
The only point of the police is as a deterrent. I suppose if they weren't there then we would be back to highway robbery, but they do precious little for the ordinary person.

FlandersRocks · 11/08/2017 12:53

I haven't said she's not an arsehole. None of her actions were criminal though.

And if she had gone on to follow you home/attack you/damage your car - that would be an actual crime to report. I doubt the police would ask why you didn't initially report being shouted at Hmm

10greenapples · 11/08/2017 12:56

I had this but with a neighbour always abusive to me when she seen me. I felt it was more harassment than in your case with your being a one off. But the police still did nothing told me it wasn't illegal and to basically stop reporting it.

brasty · 11/08/2017 13:06

I would not report a one off altercation like this to the police. It is very upsetting, but it isn't really a crime.

poppythetroll · 11/08/2017 13:19

ABIU?
Today in the supermarket car park I had an altercation with a female over a parking space (I think). I've been having a bad time recently - my dad died 3 months ago and my husband of 25 years has just been told he has 3 months to live. We had to nip to the supermarket from the hospital after receiving this news, I wasn't in the best place and my concentration was lacking. A female in a vehicle starting yelling and gesturing at me over something I had done/not done, she then called me a fucking wanker. I approached the vehicle and she was again verbally abusive to me so I pointed out she had children in the car to which she replied "I don't care about my fucking children"!! I walked away from the vehicle and then spotted the female taking photographs of my car, I approached her and asked what she was doing, she was at the check out and there was lots of people around and under her breath she was telling me to fucking move before I kick your head in. I took a photograph of her as I'd just been threatened and my intention was to go to the police. I must admit at this point I did completely lose it and told her to fuck off and I walked away. I'm not proud of myself but I think the agony of the last 3 months and today's news about my husband finally got on top of me!! Was i unreasonable to tell her to fuck off?

Now can you see why the police won't take your complaint any further?

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 13:32

Poppy - if you'd have done a better job of reading the thread you might have been able to reverse that a little bit better.

OP posts:
DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 13:37

For example

AIBU?

I've had a terrible day and had to go the shops with my partner. He drove cause I was in a foul mood. As we went into the supermarket, a driver threw their hands up in our direction. I told my partner to stop the car immediately and got out to ask he what she was doing and why she was gesturing. She told me it's cause I was a cock gobbling thundercunt and she didn't like my hair.

Then, after she had parked up, she took a picture of my partners car as she walked into the supermarket at a distance. DP came in to tell me that she had done so and then I saw her as I approached the self service checkout. I told her I was taking her photo so I could identify her and she continued to mumble to me that my breath smelled bad and I looked like a trollop. I shouted at her continuously as she calmly whispered, whilst many people were watching. Then as she left she had the audacity to tell me I was a sad old woman!

AIBU to have got out the car and shouted at her constantly when I'm having a bad day and then reapproached her after she had shouted at me when I got out of my car to confront her?

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 13:38

If shouty woman's father was dying I'd expect she'd have more pressing things to get on with than following a random woman round the supermarket and taking photos of her and her kids just because she threw her hands up in air when they didn't bother to indicate.

LadyWithLapdog · 11/08/2017 13:46

Kursk - just wow, you feel safer knowing you can shoot back in the USA. You're welcome to the violence, just keep it out of here.

jacketej · 11/08/2017 13:48

Personally if you are unhappy with the level of service you got them complain. Ring 101 and complain about it. Everyone is human and they get things wrong, if you feel it was a wrong decision then follow it up!

Nicknacky · 11/08/2017 14:00

Op, if I'm reading this properly you don't actually want to take formal action and support any potential prosecution? (Assuming for a second that there has been a crime committed)

In that case the police aren't going to spend the time retrieving and reviewing cctv, tracing the registered keeper of a vehicle then the passenger just so they can have a wors in their ear.

Guidance in my force area is that we now no longer do warnings and we would give advice only.

Oh and your comments about rape investigation are really really wide off the mark these days. Fight, flight or freeze are recognised responses to trauma and more often than not victims of sexual assault react by freezing.

purits · 11/08/2017 14:03

Guidance in my force area is that we now no longer do warnings and we would give advice only.

So you do sod all? Great.

user1471451355 · 11/08/2017 14:04

Lady, your friend is either incredibly paranoid or messing with you. That is...definitely not a thing.

Huskylover1 · 11/08/2017 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nicknacky · 11/08/2017 14:08

purits

Did I say that? We generally won't chase something like this which is a minor altercation. Don't get me wrong, I have done it in the past many times but with the numbers police have now they have no time to give people into a row unless there is formal action being taken.

They aren't sitting with their feet up having tea.

Nicknacky · 11/08/2017 14:09

One of my colleagues did a 20 hour shift the other day then was back in work 6 hours later. That's the reality.

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 14:14

Nicknacky - as stated earlier, this was my experience some years ago. I would be glad to hear that things are different now.

I do understand that you are all stretched, understaffed and underfunded. I just wish that when I first phoned 101 I'd have been told as much or told "this isn't a crime, we are so sorry to hear what has happened and we will log the details but there is nothing that we can do at this time". But I was pretty much told they'd chase her up and what not to advise her about her behaviour and actions.

I do understand it's not as easy as POs having the time to always chase things up. Hopefully, this woman doesn't do anything like this again and if she does there will be a record of it that it can maybe be taken more seriously etc.

OP posts:
Kursk · 11/08/2017 14:15

Huskylover1

So sad to hear that, the officers themselves work incredibly hard but it sounds like the force is a shell of its former self.

The police have lost the deterrent effect.

Nicknacky · 11/08/2017 14:19

The truth is, there is no record as the police have no idea who she is. Contary to what a lot of people think there is no system that records behaviour for future incidents.

The command and control centre holds address, names of reporters, phone numbers etc and various other systems hold different intelligence but there is no system that will flag this up if she does it again.

To find out who she is involved as much investigation that you would be doing if you were to arrest and charge her, and quite frankly that will not be done to give someone a warning. It's not quick to do the work whilst also attending ongoing calls