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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the police are a bit of a let down? (Lots of swearing inside)

155 replies

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 09:48

Yesterday afternoon, I went to go to the supermarket with my friend and two children (1 & 7). As I went to pull into the supermarket, a car came around the round about, not indicating. I braked and in frustration, threw my hands up.

The car in front stopped dead in front of me as I pulled in to the car park and the passenger, a middle aged woman, came up to my window and started shouting and screaming at me.
I said that I was frustrated as they hadn't used their indicator on the roundabout and that it's possibly going to cause an accident for someone.
She told me I was "a fucking joke" "ducking disgusting" "who did I think I was". At this point, I interrupted her and said that there was absolutely no reason to be shouting and swearing at me, especially in front of my young children. She then said "I don't give a fuck about your fucking children, you fat fucking cunt". Then walked off and got back in her car and drove off.

Relatively shaken and upset, I went and parked my car and got my children out. I had my 1 year old son in my arms. As we walked into the shop, my friend pointed out that the car was parked (on the double yellow lines right outside) and to get the registration. I'd left my glasses in the car so couldn't see without getting much closer, so took a photo of the car that I'd be able to zoom in on.

Was genuinely scared of going into the store knowing they were probably in there. Ran in and hurried everyone along to be able to get out asap. Went to the self checkouts and was scanning items, where this woman ran up to me, taking pictures of me and my children and telling me to smile for the camera. Shouted at me that I was pathetic and I was disgusting etc. She then came around into the self service area and was extremely up close, continuously berating me. I remained calm the whole time, didn't shout etc. She continued to go off at me right til I was walking out of the shop when she then told ME to leave her alone and I responded with "I haven't done anything, you sad old woman."

Hurried back to my car with my children and burst into tears and phoned the police to report it.

And they're going to do absolutely nothing. They won't contact the owner of the car (who was obviously her partner/husband) because "he will just deny knowledge of who she is or how to contact her". Despite the fact there's CCTV from her getting out of the car and coming and shouting at me, despite the fact there's cctv of her taking pictures of me and my children and berating me in self checkout. Despite having my friend as a witness as well as staff from the supermarket.

I just feel so .... let down. It's not even like I was going to go after a prosecution, but knowing that this woman has completely got away with this without even having a talking to from the police.

My 7 year old is completely shook up as she was scared of what this woman could or would do (though bless her, kept telling me I wasn't fat I was just cuddly).

I wish I hadn't bothered to stay calm.
My poor friend feels awful because she didn't want to start saying things to her and make it look like we were ganging up on her.

I'm just so frustrated that the police aren't even going To try. All I've been told is that the number plate is logged with the crime and that if it flags again then it will "paint a bigger picture" but at this time it's not know to them (6 month old Mercedes).

I feel completely and utterly downtrodden and down today.

OP posts:
DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 10:38

"Don't fight back during a rape"
And don't go to the police about it if you do, as they'll say there's no signs of a struggle and therefore you wanted it and there's no proof.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 11/08/2017 10:38

Talk to the supermarket, and ask for a copy of their cctv. If you can. also get names of witnesses. Then go back to the police.

Coldilox · 11/08/2017 10:39

"They" will say no such thing re not fighting back during a rape Duck. And posting stuff like that is teally fucking irresponsible as it puts victims off reporting.

misjudgement · 11/08/2017 10:40

Wait, your friend didn't want to gang up on the woman who was taking photos of you and verbally abusing you?

Tootsiepops · 11/08/2017 10:40

Whilst what happened to you sounds awful op, I can't say it would ever have occurred to me to go to the police if I'd been on the receiving end of some swearing and shouting. I'd probably just have gone home and cried Blush

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 10:41

Coldilox - it's exactly what happened to me after reporting it, going through invasive physical exams, rehashing the moments over and over again. That was my experience. That was what happened to me. That was what the police told me.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 11/08/2017 10:42

Not my experience of police interaction at all. Any time I've dealt with them they've been very helpful and informative, and supportive. In my experience they've had definitely taken details and been more helpful.

Coldilox · 11/08/2017 10:43

They told you you clearly wanted it? Then that is grounds for a complaint. No police officer should say that, and in my experience (am a rape detective) they don't.

Most people don't fight back, and most of the convictions I've had have involved no sign of a struggle.

DoctorDonnaNoble · 11/08/2017 10:44

Unfortunately due to the cuts there are not enough police to pop round and say anti-social behaviour is unacceptable. They have a huge backlog of more serious offences to investigate. This is what people voted for (I didn't). It will get worse as there are more cuts to come. The level of staffing within the police at the moment would shock you.

goingfortwo · 11/08/2017 10:52

It's not even like I was going to go after a prosecution

I'm sorry what happened and the lady that shouted was in the wrong but unfortunately that's the world we live in. But the police are right why would you even waste their time if you wanted nothing to come of it, don't the police have better things to be doing, they are extremely under staffed at the moment and struggle to deal with actual crimes. Maybe next time complain to the supermarket, if they are abusive to their customers then they are more likely to ban her from the store.

misjudgement · 11/08/2017 10:57

Also, while I would not for a single second condone ANY of this woman's behaviour, I do not know what you were trying to achieve by flinging your arms up in the first place.

I must admit people doing things like that irritates me a lot although obviously I wouldn't say anything.

HerOtherHalf · 11/08/2017 10:58

Sorry, but do you really think someone not indicating and then shouting at you is a police matter? I beg to differ.

Lumpylumperson · 11/08/2017 10:58

"Don't fight back during a rape"
And don't go to the police about it if you do, as they'll say there's no signs of a struggle and therefore you wanted it and there's no proof.

I know first hand that is absolutely not what they would say. Also As I said to the police, what if I'd been a psycho and had attacked her for what she did? What if, when in my car that I'd had to abruptly stop, my foot had slipped off the clutch and I'd collided with their car? What if I had a heart condition?

None of those things happened Confused if you were a "psycho" you'd be held responsible for attacking someone for shouting at you. If your foot slipped it'd be your fault. The heart condition thing is pretty strange. These are very dramatic 'what-ifs'.

Lumpylumperson · 11/08/2017 10:59

Cold can I just say a massive thank you for the work you do Flowers

crazycatgal · 11/08/2017 11:01

The police are incredibly underfunded. There have been lots of burglaries in my town in the past couple of months and in most instances the police haven't even been out when called. I'd rather the limited resources be used to help people who have been burgled rather than people who are verbally abused in public.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 11:04

OP Flowers

I'm wondering if you live near me as we have similar useless useful police here.

My DD was deliberately hurt by someone. The area was littered in cctv ans was told before the officer even started investigating that 'even if they do find X the CPS would probably decide not to prosecute'. Hmm

They got a tad huffy when I informed them that having worked in the courts for quite a while. I knew that not to always be the case. Some of you would be seriously pissed off if you saw what nonsense got through which your tax is paying for.

OP. There was a thread a while ago about someone who didn't get very far with the police. You can ask for a right to review I believe. Also ask got a copy of the cctv yourself under the DPA as they only keep it for so long.

LadyWithLapdog · 11/08/2017 11:05

My frieand in (red neck, gun carrying state) the USA tells me people there have 'impeccable' driving manners as beeping your horn or a hand gesture can have you shot. Horrible.

But I agree with others. Police cuts, underfunding. You complain they get a state pension so you vote to cut your nose and spite your face. Obviously the more generic 'you'.

I hope your weekend gets better.

youarenotkiddingme · 11/08/2017 11:07

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I also empathise with you about feeling like you don't matter. My ds was a victim of knife crime that wouldn't be investigated because it happened at school.

My advice to you is to contact the manager of the store. Tell them the police aren't going to investigate and ask if they will ring the police.

youarenotkiddingme · 11/08/2017 11:07

Oh and school have CCTV so they could investigate.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 11:09

But the police are right why would you even waste their time if you wanted nothing to come of it, don't the police have better things to be doing, they are extremely under staffed at the moment and struggle to deal with actual crimes. Maybe next time complain to the supermarket, if they are abusive to their customers then they are more likely to ban her from the store.

Sadly being a sweary twat isn't illegal in itself but I'm sure being abusive/harrassment/intimidation/taking photos of other peoples children comes under some law.Confused

Scrumptiousbears · 11/08/2017 11:11

Yay a police bashing thread. Biscuit

JacquesHammer · 11/08/2017 11:12

I'm so sorry OP that was an awful thing to happen.

It must be a complete post code lottery - I had similar with a road rage incident - a guy started pulling out of a side entrance whilst I was there - he was fiddling down his footwell - I beeped to let him know I was there. He pulled out after me, overtook me and blocked the road. He then got out and started screaming "he'd fucking stop me" and "if I tried that again I wouldn't be able to". I took a photo of him screaming at us. (Like you I had a child in the car)

I reported it and the police were brilliant - took his number plate, followed it up with him and then let me know what they'd done.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 11:13

There have been lots of burglaries in my town in the past couple of months and in most instances the police haven't even been out when called.

My friends DIL had this. They reported an attempted break in and they never even came out. They had given a full description of the offender as she'd caught them and they got abusive before scarpering. A week later their NDN was cleaned out. If only someone had warned them...

Badcat666 · 11/08/2017 11:15

As others have said, the police were correct as its your word against hers.

Without them having eye witnesses from the beginning these cases are impossible to take further and they tried to manage your expectations.

You might want her dealt with but what can the police ACTUALLY do in this case? Waste hours on hours tracking her down for her and her partner to say how you started it and was rude and they feared for their safety? Because that is what will happen I'm afraid.

If they had done damage to your car which was caught on cctv or laid their hands on you then the police would be able to take it further. They would be able to justify the hours spent going through cctv, trawling databases, chasing witnesses etc because they could take it to court or legally justify getting something put on their records.

It sounded really horrible and I'm so sorry you went through that and I've been where you were but you will have to learn to stand up to these people. I did. I had to pull on my big girl pants and give as good as I got. People like that soon back down.

If you meet her again ignore her and if she starts saying anything to you then go into the shop, find a shop assistant and say she is harassing you and ask them to get someone to call the police whilst having the assistant stay with you as a witness.

The police have to weigh up whether it is worth them spending valuable time and money to get a result and whether they can legally take an issue forward and most forces have been cut back to the bare bone. Also the police have never been able to really deal with verbal altercations where it is one persons word against the other if officers weren't at the scene at the time it all took place.

The police can't deal with everything, even though we would like them to.

DereksGotATail · 11/08/2017 11:17

No crime has been committed.
It's your word against hers and would be a total waste of police time dealing with a bit of bad driving.

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