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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the police are a bit of a let down? (Lots of swearing inside)

155 replies

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 09:48

Yesterday afternoon, I went to go to the supermarket with my friend and two children (1 & 7). As I went to pull into the supermarket, a car came around the round about, not indicating. I braked and in frustration, threw my hands up.

The car in front stopped dead in front of me as I pulled in to the car park and the passenger, a middle aged woman, came up to my window and started shouting and screaming at me.
I said that I was frustrated as they hadn't used their indicator on the roundabout and that it's possibly going to cause an accident for someone.
She told me I was "a fucking joke" "ducking disgusting" "who did I think I was". At this point, I interrupted her and said that there was absolutely no reason to be shouting and swearing at me, especially in front of my young children. She then said "I don't give a fuck about your fucking children, you fat fucking cunt". Then walked off and got back in her car and drove off.

Relatively shaken and upset, I went and parked my car and got my children out. I had my 1 year old son in my arms. As we walked into the shop, my friend pointed out that the car was parked (on the double yellow lines right outside) and to get the registration. I'd left my glasses in the car so couldn't see without getting much closer, so took a photo of the car that I'd be able to zoom in on.

Was genuinely scared of going into the store knowing they were probably in there. Ran in and hurried everyone along to be able to get out asap. Went to the self checkouts and was scanning items, where this woman ran up to me, taking pictures of me and my children and telling me to smile for the camera. Shouted at me that I was pathetic and I was disgusting etc. She then came around into the self service area and was extremely up close, continuously berating me. I remained calm the whole time, didn't shout etc. She continued to go off at me right til I was walking out of the shop when she then told ME to leave her alone and I responded with "I haven't done anything, you sad old woman."

Hurried back to my car with my children and burst into tears and phoned the police to report it.

And they're going to do absolutely nothing. They won't contact the owner of the car (who was obviously her partner/husband) because "he will just deny knowledge of who she is or how to contact her". Despite the fact there's CCTV from her getting out of the car and coming and shouting at me, despite the fact there's cctv of her taking pictures of me and my children and berating me in self checkout. Despite having my friend as a witness as well as staff from the supermarket.

I just feel so .... let down. It's not even like I was going to go after a prosecution, but knowing that this woman has completely got away with this without even having a talking to from the police.

My 7 year old is completely shook up as she was scared of what this woman could or would do (though bless her, kept telling me I wasn't fat I was just cuddly).

I wish I hadn't bothered to stay calm.
My poor friend feels awful because she didn't want to start saying things to her and make it look like we were ganging up on her.

I'm just so frustrated that the police aren't even going To try. All I've been told is that the number plate is logged with the crime and that if it flags again then it will "paint a bigger picture" but at this time it's not know to them (6 month old Mercedes).

I feel completely and utterly downtrodden and down today.

OP posts:
DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 09:50

Every time in my life where I try and do the right thing and report something that's happened to me, the same thing happens. Bullying at school, sexual assault, physical assault and now verbal assault.
I always get made to feel it's my own fault and that I just have to deal with the fact "that's how the world is".

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 11/08/2017 09:53

She verbally abused you in the car

And then followed you round the shop verbally abusing you in front of other people

You complain to the police as this is intimidation, assault etc and they refuse to do anything?

So you now complain against the police who are failing to investigate a crime being committed. Phone up and ask how to do that. There is cctv and pictures of her and her car so it's an easy crime to solve.
I suspect once you've started your complaint it will be investigated.

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 10:10

They phoned to say they wanted to "manage my expectations" and said that it would be a he said she said situation and therefore unlikely for anything to be done as it's one word against another. The fact of follow up inside the supermarket in front of people didn't seem to make any difference and I was told that I was "antagonising" by taking a picture of the number plate.

I then just got asked if I wanted any paperwork and that they'd not be doing anything else about it and told me off for the fact I reacted in any way to their not indicating as "you never know who you might be antagonising".
Like I say, just been made to feel like it's my fault and that I'm too blame. The fact I've had a telling off and this woman just gets to carry on as if what she's done is okay is heartbreaking.

What if I see her again?

OP posts:
beedybeedybumbum · 11/08/2017 10:13

If you see her again then you stand up to her.

Laiste · 11/08/2017 10:17

Oh i'd be taking this a bit further OP.

You've basically been told not to upset anyone or what can you expect!! Awful.

told that I was "antagonising" by taking a picture of the number plate.

told me off for the fact I reacted in any way to their not indicating as "you never know who you might be antagonising".

and this

told "he will just deny knowledge of who she is or how to contact her". Despite the fact there's CCTV from her getting out of the car and coming and shouting at me, despite the fact there's cctv of her taking pictures of me and my children and berating me in self checkout. Despite having my friend as a witness as well as staff from the supermarket.

It's not on IMO.

Coldilox · 11/08/2017 10:19

It's not right, but the thing is that police are so underfunded right now, they are drowning in crimes to investigate. So most forces are making policy decisions that minor crimes (which this public order crime would be) are not further investigated. Don't blame them, blame the millions of pounds of budget cuts.

thedancingbear · 11/08/2017 10:20

That's the police for you. Tallies with my every interaction with them, ever.

Sorry this has happened to you, OP.

MargaretTwatyer · 11/08/2017 10:21

It sounds like an awful situation and I'm really sorry you had to go through it. But I'm afraid the police are right.

It is going to be a he said/she said situation. Nobody witnessed the whole incident so she may claim you were abusive to her outside. They're not going to have the resources to chase witnesses. She didn't threaten violence. Although it's a shame sadly resources can't be prioritised for this. Nobody was hurt, no property damaged, it's unlikely you will see her again or that she will remember you or argue again. It is also very, very unlikely to lead to a conviction.

It feels very unjust but I'm afraid it's the way it is.

Lumpylumperson · 11/08/2017 10:22

Yes to what Cold said.

Laiste · 11/08/2017 10:23

I agree colilox, but i'm wondering if it would be better to admit that to people coming to them for help. Rather than twisting it into giving a 'don't piss bastards off and just quietly let them get away with murder' piece of advice.

Better to say - we are so underfunded that i regret it's likely we won't take this further. We're so sorry.

Lumpylumperson · 11/08/2017 10:25

didn't take long for the police badgers to come along.

I can't help but wonder what people that critique them do, how often they are spat at and attacked at work, go without meals or put themselves in harms way during their jobs.

I was watching the daughter of that PC that was stabbed to death 10 years ago. She was less tan a year old when her father was murdered in the line of duty. The police had her in and let her be chief constable for the day. I wonder how often police feel afraid for their safety and their kids flash through their minds compared to how often that happens to police critisers.

There aren't enough officers and there isn't enough money.

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 10:25

Thedancingbear - same here. Every time I've had an interaction with the police it has been the same. When fights were kicking off in the pubs we used to run, when we were stolen from, when we were burglarised, when I was assaulted, car accidents... now this.

I just have no faith in any of it anymore.

I want to pursue it further and chase it up, but I feel ... empty. Drained. Tired. I don't know if I have the energy to fight anymore just to still get nowhere other than more stressed and upset.

OH says it's fine as I will probably never bump into her again, especially on my own. Mainly because I rarely go out anywhere on my own as it is. Now I just don't wanna go anywhere full stop.

OP posts:
Lumpylumperson · 11/08/2017 10:26

Badgers? Bashers.

FlandersRocks · 11/08/2017 10:26

Tbh I think you were expecting a bit too much up. She shouted at you and she was a horrible, nasty cow. She didn't assault you or damage your car or threaten you in any way.

Think of it from the police POV. They review the (no sound) CCTV. See you making hand gestures at her, her going over and shouting at you. You taking pictures of her car. Her taking pictures of you in retaliation. Her shouting again, you responding more calmly - but no one knows what you're actually saying to her. You could have been calmly telling her she was a cunt and to leave or you'd batter her...who's to know? Her version of events is likely to be drastically different to yours.

The police don't generally spend a huge amount of time and effort on people who shout at someone or insult them a bit. It is just 'how it is'. Not everyone is nice, you have to deal with it.

RainbowPastel · 11/08/2017 10:26

Totally normal from my experiences with the police sadly.

bellaandby · 11/08/2017 10:27

The exact reason I don't bother with the police.

Unless it's a serious crime they don't bother.

She sounds like a bitch.

AlpacasPackOwls · 11/08/2017 10:27

Yep, Cold is right. I'm not going to tell you what crimes my husband doesn't have time to investigate as it would horrify you. I'm really sorry that this happened to you and, believe me, the police will feel shit for not being able to do anything as well.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 11/08/2017 10:28

Yes they are underfunded but the upshot of this is people feel untouchable and behave however they like.

I can see how a criminal case could be difficult but in terms of managing your expectations, as a minimum the car should traced and the owner made aware there is CCTV evidence etc to give the woman a good shake up.

Might make her think twice next time.

LurkingHusband · 11/08/2017 10:29

burglarised

Are you American, OP ?

loveka · 11/08/2017 10:30

It's not right, and it's not your fault.

You did nothing wrong.

Sadly, other people can do awful things to us, and the law says "its not worth the hassle" a lot of the time. It's happened twice to me recently.

It's seen as antagonising to try and defend yourself. So it just encourages the bullies.

If the police had actually seen it, they would have stepped in. They should warn her.ss a preventative measure as the next time she does something like that someone might thump her, and a crime might be actually be commited.

FlandersRocks · 11/08/2017 10:31

You've basically been told not to upset anyone or what can you expect!! Awful

Not awful, reality and the advice given for pretty much every crime. Serious ones or petty. Don't confront a burglar. Don't fight back during rape if you feel your life is in danger. Don't approach xyz person if they're on the run.

It's the police giving advice on how to keep yourself safe as not every person is decent, which they can hardly control. It's a different matter to which cases they can pursue based on the likelihood of prosecution.

Booboobooboo84 · 11/08/2017 10:32

If you have the registration you can find the address. Electoral roll/faceache stalking would find her relatively quickly. Tak to a solicitor and have a letter advising that further harassment will result in court action. You can take her to court privately but it would be expensive. I get what you mean you shouldn't have to leave it- shit her up a bit

That1950sMum · 11/08/2017 10:33

She sounds horrible but to be honest if this had happened to me I'd go away a bit shaken up, explain to my children that some people just have no manners and chalk it up to experience. It would never occur to me that it should be a police matter. What did you expect them to do?

Sadly, the police are massively underfunded and don't have enough staff to cover even the more serious incidents that they are trained to deal with. Give them a break.

DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 10:35

Flanders - I was in my car when she got out and started shouting and swearing at me. I didn't go anywhere near her. She came at me. She scared my children. She scared me. She then came up to me AGAIN in the supermarket to berate me.

TBH just having her be told "that's not acceptable behaviour" would have been something. As I said to the police, what if I'd been a psycho and had attacked her for what she did? What if, when in my car that I'd had to abruptly stop, my foot had slipped off the clutch and I'd collided with their car? What if I had a heart condition?

OP posts:
DuckAndPancakes · 11/08/2017 10:36

Re burglarised - not American. Phone kept refusing burgled as a word because I was spelling it burgaled like a bloody idiot -_- my mind isn't working fantastically today.

OP posts: