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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the manager that rejected me at interview

233 replies

Ridiculousproblem1 · 09/08/2017 22:34

I cannot believe I'm being so silly.

I went for my first professional interview and one of the interviewers was all over the internal candidate and it was clear he was getting a position (there were several).

The same woman was fine in the beginning with me but as soon as I got nervous she stopped all eye contact, ignored me and ruled me out within seconds. She laughed at my answers and asked questions like 'I suppose you've never done xxx).

I was the strongest candidate but I got nervous and was ruled out and not helped at all.
I wanted that job more than anyone.

I was devastated when I didn't get it and so hurt they didn't offer me even an agency position or temporary. I wasn't even given a chance.

I then spent a year trying to find work. It was the worst year of my life and one that will stay with me forever.

I re applied again when the position came up but the woman rejected my application later telling others it was because I did badly at interview. The position came up again and this time I was interviewed by people who were professional and approachable. I nailed it and got the position.

The other woman is still unapproachable but doesn't seem that bad.

I have no idea why I feel like this as I've never held a grudge but I hate her. I hate that she didn't give me a chance and ruled me out.

I've been rejected before, it wasn't that. It was the fact she was rude, standoffish and made fun of me in the interview. When I see her I have awful flashbacks of the interview and I can feel my heart beat faster.

I now have the job, so justice has been served but I can't even enjoy the job as I'm so angry. The way I am you would think she'd murdered my Mum!

It's almost like a fixation now and I know it's pathetic.

I have a 35k a year job, a beautiful son, wonderful friends etc but I'm not happy.
I want her to apologise but obviously she won't.

I don't bad mouth her as I'm professional like hay but I secretly hope she is made redundant!

AIBU to hate her? Or is this normal?

Just to add I've never hated anyone before. I've been rejected before and never felt like this. I've forgiven people for much worse.

OP posts:

Marymoosmum14 · 11/08/2017 17:38

The best you can do is focus on your job and always do your best to prove her wrong, even if she never says anything about it knowing it in your own heart is the best yo can hope for and can give you a smug little feeling.

gemma19846 · 11/08/2017 18:00

You failed the interview process, thats what its there for :/ its process of elimination and you were ruled out. Youve admitted you didnt do great in the interview and thats why you didnt get the job. You dont know that you wanted it more than anyone else or that you were the best candidate 😕 I think you are mad at yourself for messing up and are trying to blame this woman. You need to move on

REBECCAB123 · 11/08/2017 18:26

Totally agree with bluntness - if you are seeking revenge, first dig two graves. Stop being so obsessed with her and focus on yourself..

angelfacecuti75 · 11/08/2017 18:53

Hello you had a crap year preluded by this interview and you probably associate it with really bad memories, and your feelings about it have made you associate her with that bad time.You were probably nervous and didn't perform well at the first interview. They probably wanted a reason to give it to the internal candidates anyway. You have the job let that be your victory scratch it up to experience, they'll always be w**rd at work. Just be civil and polite and focus on doing your job well. That's the best revenge!

angelfacecuti75 · 11/08/2017 18:54

W**rs

Scotland32 · 11/08/2017 18:55

I agree that you've blown this out of proportion but if she is as bad as you say, she will get what she deserves in the end.
Ignore those on here who call you 'pathetic' and such like. Too harsh and actually downright mean. With friends like NorthernLurker, who needs enemies?!?
Just concentrate on enjoying your job and ignore the bad people!

claireyjs · 11/08/2017 19:37

YABU get over it! You're an adult not a 5 year old. So you interviewed badly first time round, can't blame her for that. I worked in recruitment for 20 years and you need to suck it up and get on or admit you can't and move on!

AyUpMiDuck · 11/08/2017 19:39

Well done for getting and sticking at the job OP you sound very determined!
I understand your grudge but it won't do you any good, you have to let it go or it will consume you. It's not worth it.
She may never leave the company and I suggest, if you cant get past it, you use your current success to springboard you to another promotion elsewhere.

I had one manager that hated me so much she told me I wasn't suited to the work, asked personnel to transfer me to another department and then blocked all the decent opportunities that came up (I found this out several years later when I left the company); eventually I got a transfer to a small rather undervalued team. Luckily our work was excellent and eventually we became high profile, so it was a step up the ladder for me. A couple of years later the woman who forced me to move was sidelined herself and then her job was made redundant which was sweet!

I can't pretend I didn't wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in my original department and I do blame her for the plateau in my career and I wouldn't speak to her if I met her in the street, so I'm not totally over it but I haven't thought about it in years.

Burratorchildhood · 11/08/2017 19:44

I agree with the posters who say hold your head high and get on with this job that you've wanted for a very long time. At my place of work I interviewed someone who I knew (not a close friend) and unfortunately they didn't get the job. They were understandably upset about it but on that day she wasn't the best candidate. When a vacancy came up again she did much better and got the job. As far as I know she doesn't hold a grudge... . I am guessing the problem is that this woman had made you feel she has a personal issue with you. Is she any better since you got the job?

Burratorchildhood · 11/08/2017 19:47

Amaried - how can you say she sounds 'batshit crazy'. She doesn't. That is a very unkind thing to say.

Ginburee · 11/08/2017 19:58

I am hoping that because you have posted this and vented your feelings you may get some closure on it.
When I was 17 I applied for a job and was so very nervous I flunked it, a few years later worked with the woman who interviewed me and she brought up the subject and said she couldn't give me the job as I just didn't make the grade but she was so pleased that I had worked around my nerves and got there eventually.
Moving on and I now am way more ahead and have interviewed people, it really is so hard when people are nervous I know how it feels but you have to look at the whole picture.
I would feel awful if someone had ever felt bullied with me as I always try to relax them, please put this in your past and move on as you have a good job and have got there, don't let it eat away at you. X

neekeem · 11/08/2017 20:24

I haven't read all 9 pages so I may well be duplicating what someone else has already said but...

Job interviews aren't about finding the most qualified candidate. Everyone who is brought in for an interview based on their CV should be capable of doing the job. What the interview does is give both sides of the table a chance to see how you'd fit into the dynamic of the team - basically, does your new boss want to work with you, and vice versa. Clearly in this case you two did not gel and I have to say she was right to not hire you and to continue to keep you away - you may well be the right fit for the job but not necessarily for the whole team. Just keep your head down and wait out personnel changes.

Pinklady1982 · 11/08/2017 20:58

Can't believe how horrible some of you are being towards the op, she has asked for opinions, not to be sworn at and told to grow up! Disgusting. A little more empathy and understanding would go a long way in this world...

Pinklady1982 · 11/08/2017 21:01

Sometimes you just can't help the way you feel, and need to vent and ask for advice. It may not always be justified, but does that mean you have to be horrible?? I hope all the people being awful get the same response next time you're in need...

missymayhemsmum · 11/08/2017 21:17

In an ideal world, every interview should give each candidate the opportunity to relax and show their best. Interviewers should never have preconceptions about who they might want to appoint, and should be fresh, fair and give each candidate their full attention.

In the real world, if you start a days interviews with a good internal candidate and another strong candidate and you're a bit tired, it's easy not to give the rather nervous and perhaps least experienced interviewee your full attention as you should. And you can miss out on a gem. Obviously making fun of someone is wrong, but struggling to keep a straight face if someone says something daft or is digging themselves a hole is human, I'm afraid. Interviewing can be really nervewracking.

Also, sometimes you can interview 5 people who could do the job, and there will be one you just don't warm to for whatever reason. So you appoint the person you think you want to work with for the next few years.

Stop hating this woman. She made the mistake of not appointing you in the first place, and as a result has had to go through the pain of recruitment again because she appointed the wrong people. Her mistake.

NorfolksGiven · 11/08/2017 21:27

What job is it that you do OP?

kateandme · 11/08/2017 21:57

Fkd war bastards some of u seem by replies.real but not true doesn't make it not "feel real"we all get affected by life differently.some steep from a stubbed toe and associate bad from its links to life,some can deal with chopping toe of easily.egertythjng us relative,we all react differently.but kindness helps us see clearly.not some of these comments.
Take care op.xx

MadMags · 11/08/2017 22:25

kateandme you've been showing up all over threads talking illiterate gibberish. And what I have been able to decipher is insult after insult about MN and the posters who use it.

Might I suggest you take yourself elsewhere if it's so offensive? Dictionary.com perhaps?

powershowerforanhour · 11/08/2017 22:38

The best revenge is living well so I hope your job goes well for you and that the high ups praise your work in front of her :-)

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 11/08/2017 23:18

Is this your dream job that you had been after for 2 years? This sounds like another recent post...

pollymere · 12/08/2017 03:03

There will always be people like this throughout your career, you just need to wipe the dust from your feet and get on with it.

Abbylee · 12/08/2017 05:09

I believe that there are only two emotions: love and fear. All the rest of emotions boil down to these two. A therapist might suggest that you sit quietly and sift through feelings beginning with anger? Until you (maybe) find what you fear. Ex: anger, hurt, embarrassed, afraid that your Horrible Year will repeat. Best of luck. Please try to let go, she is not worth your time or inner peace.

MissBabbs · 12/08/2017 05:59

I think we can react to people because they remind us of someone we already dislike for some reason or, and I think this is more likely, we see aspects of ourselves which we don't like in the other person. So then behave irrationally or unreasonably towards them.
I would think this would explain her behaviour.
Also we are putting our whole selves up for show at interviews, looks, knowledge, ability so rejection is hard, throw in some bullying or humiliation and you can see how destroying it could be.
Try writing your feelings and the whole story down OP, this can help to clear it from your head.

CosmicPineapple · 12/08/2017 06:25

6 years ago a women I worked with ruined my career.
I was her manager and this women was like teflon. Two previous managers had left/got sacked before me due to her actions and no matter how many times she screwed up she always came out on top. She basically lied was believed and I lost my job.

I hated her so much and for 8 months I became depressed and only thought of her and bad things happening to her.
I found a new job which I love more than the previous one and life was good but I still hated her and wanted her life to be shit. Then i found out her son had killed himself a couple of years later. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. Rationally I know it was not down to me but I had wished all kinds of bad thoughts on her I wanted to take them all back and make life right for her.

I realised I didnt hate her but I hated what she had done and i had wasted so much of my head space thinking about her. When something bad did happen it made me feel much worse than her getting me sacked.

Point is something bad happening to her did not make me feel better or like I had won. You need to let it go OP. Put life in to perspective and be grateful you got what you wanted in the end. Enjoy your job/life you won in the end.

Pinklady1982 · 12/08/2017 07:22

Wow cosmic, there's a very powerful message in your story, one that we could all do with taking on board. We all let our emotions get the better of us at times, but your story certainly puts things into perspective! X

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