Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the manager that rejected me at interview

233 replies

Ridiculousproblem1 · 09/08/2017 22:34

I cannot believe I'm being so silly.

I went for my first professional interview and one of the interviewers was all over the internal candidate and it was clear he was getting a position (there were several).

The same woman was fine in the beginning with me but as soon as I got nervous she stopped all eye contact, ignored me and ruled me out within seconds. She laughed at my answers and asked questions like 'I suppose you've never done xxx).

I was the strongest candidate but I got nervous and was ruled out and not helped at all.
I wanted that job more than anyone.

I was devastated when I didn't get it and so hurt they didn't offer me even an agency position or temporary. I wasn't even given a chance.

I then spent a year trying to find work. It was the worst year of my life and one that will stay with me forever.

I re applied again when the position came up but the woman rejected my application later telling others it was because I did badly at interview. The position came up again and this time I was interviewed by people who were professional and approachable. I nailed it and got the position.

The other woman is still unapproachable but doesn't seem that bad.

I have no idea why I feel like this as I've never held a grudge but I hate her. I hate that she didn't give me a chance and ruled me out.

I've been rejected before, it wasn't that. It was the fact she was rude, standoffish and made fun of me in the interview. When I see her I have awful flashbacks of the interview and I can feel my heart beat faster.

I now have the job, so justice has been served but I can't even enjoy the job as I'm so angry. The way I am you would think she'd murdered my Mum!

It's almost like a fixation now and I know it's pathetic.

I have a 35k a year job, a beautiful son, wonderful friends etc but I'm not happy.
I want her to apologise but obviously she won't.

I don't bad mouth her as I'm professional like hay but I secretly hope she is made redundant!

AIBU to hate her? Or is this normal?

Just to add I've never hated anyone before. I've been rejected before and never felt like this. I've forgiven people for much worse.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 10/08/2017 09:00

I think I get it OP. At some deep level, she undermined your sense of self worth. You can't forgive her for that. I've been through something similar with an ex boss and I know how it eats you up inside.

But you don't need her to validate you. Maybe she rejected you because she's not very bright, maybe she was biased, or maybe she was perfectly right and you didn't perform well enough. It doesn't matter though, you have everything you want now. Smile

The only satisfying revenge is to stop giving her headspace. She doesn't deserve it, I liked the suggestion upthread about trying to sweeten the bitterness. I might try that myself.

Just say to yourself every time you think of her 'I have everything I want now and it's time to move on'.

GahBuggerit · 10/08/2017 09:08

You really need to get over yourself.

You didn't do well in the first interview which was a panel so not just her decision, and you clearly weren't the best candidate otherwise you would have got the job, you were rejected again due to the first interview performance (fair enough) and the 3rd time circumstances were different, you probably did much better, so got the job.

Perhaps, and I say this gently, but perhaps your general seemingly poor attitude to the recruitment process and disdain for the other applicants was easy to spot so she didnt get a good vibe from you. I've interviewed people who would ace the role but havent been personable so have rejected them on that basis. You can train people up in the majority of roles but you cant train someone to be a nice person and good team fit.

Move on from it, the panel, not just her, had their reasons for rejecting you the first times and now you are in the job proving your worth. If you continue to let this eat away at you it will soon surface in your attitude at work and will do you no favours at all in the future.

scottishdiem · 10/08/2017 09:10

Wow. OP, you need a little therapy/counselling as you have issues.

  1. Arrogance - who says you were the best for the job first time round?
  2. Ignorant Self Imagery - who says you wanted the job more than anyone else.
  3. Failure to clearly assess own self - you did badly at an interview, this impacts on recruiting decisions. You need to know your weaknesses.
  4. Self-destructive Fixation - you are in a job and liking it but you are mentally hurting yourself by this odd hatred.
  5. Self-worth derived from appreciation of others - you needed her to be friendly at interview for you to do well. Many jobs need you to do well despite colleagues/customers etc. not because of them. You need to be able to make them like you, not wait for them to exhibit friendly behaviour.

Seriously.

sparechange · 10/08/2017 09:11

This is time for you to really start embracing the best of all the MN mantras:
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Say it to yourself every time you see her.
Life is too short to consume yourself with this bitterness and anger

user1471516536 · 10/08/2017 09:14

Yabu but it's ok. You know that the way you're feeling isn't rational and you want to change, which is great. I understand how you feel, I have hated at least 2 people before. In both situations, part of the anger was at myself and reflected on them.
I would recommend 3 things.
Number 1. Imagine a scale with the dalai lama a on one end and a Hitler on the other. how bad is what this lady did?
Who might score higher than her?
Is what she did worse than robbing a bank? a hit and run? Is it worse than neglecting a child? Worse than being a serial killer?

She is probably much closer to ghandi than Hitler!
Do the same for yourself. Should you really still be beating yourself up for messing up the interview? Or is that something that could happen to anyone.
Try to have some compassion for her.
Where did she learn to talk to people like that? Maybe she was spoken to like that as a child? You have no idea what has happened in her life...no one is born bad and this lady made a mistake just like you did. Remember that all human beings deserve compassion- you may not feel like giving it to everyone but make that your goal.
Finally, try a loving kindness meditation. There are guided versions online if you Google. Basically you try to feel love, first for yourself, then for someone easy to love like a child or pet, then for a stranger and finally for someone you dislike.
Try doing that a couple of times a week, but the rest of the time distract yourself and try to avoid thinking about her. Consider therapy it is an amazing tool for life that everyone should use.

Painfulpain · 10/08/2017 09:15

OP can I suggest that you post again in the 'Relationship' section. You will get constructive practical advise there about how to overcome this.

AIBU is mostly full of people who enjoy a good shoeing. It's hard to sift out the useful stuff from this thread. And reading all the sewage will probably compound your feelings further

Neutrogena · 10/08/2017 09:18

OP - read what bullying means. Just because you perceive that someone has wronged you, they have not automatically bullied you.
Please don't volunteer to be a victim.

pictish · 10/08/2017 09:24

I agree this needs to stop.
They were not obliged in any way to give you a job. I say they because it was a panel and not just this one woman interviewing. They all had a say. They all rejected you.

CazY777 · 10/08/2017 09:25

Well, some cultures do believe in voodoo and may think that Christian beliefs etc are nonsense, but that wasn't the point I was making 😀

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/08/2017 09:32

Interviewing is actually bloody hard! I'm never convinced that there is any correlation whatsoever between being good at what I do (a very technical role) and being good at interviews.

Add to that - I work for a very large company that is hot on "evidence". We need to record every bloody thing the interviewee says to ensure that if we are ever queried on a decision that we can evidence it. It is very hard to maintain eye contact with someone when you are frantically scribbling! I'm used to it now - I always agree with my co-interviewer that we will take it in turns to ask the questions and the one who isn't asking does the frantic scribbling whilst the one who asks actually has a genuine conversation with the candidate. I also always explain this to the candidate - I even have a joke about how we do have social skills honest!

But the first time we had this system I Suspect we were awful!

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 10/08/2017 09:33

Disclaimer : I haven't read every response, but have read all op posts.

It sounds as though she set out to cause you some discomfort at your interviews, and that as a result, you felt humiliated. BUT - you have the job now, you are making a success of it. If anyone should feel humiliated, it's the manager who got it wrong, bit once, but twice. That will have cost the company money, if only the cost of having to readvertise twice, set up interviews etc. She's already shown she's not up to a role where staff selection in part of it. And her peers and managers are aware of that. How humiliating must it feel to be removed from the interview panel because you've shown you can't do that part of the job? How humiliating must it feel to see the person you rejected doing so well? Every day, every time she sees you, you are a reminder of her failure.

VulvalHeadMistress · 10/08/2017 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starlighter · 10/08/2017 09:50

Banana sandwiches has got it spot on. Read it, believe it and move on.

I'm being a bit hypocritical as I'm the queen of grudges, but you really are only hurting yourself here. You have no idea what her version of events is, there could be a whole range of mitigating factors for her decision!

Wish you luck OP. And congrats on the job.

VulvalHeadMistress · 10/08/2017 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 10/08/2017 10:20

"She's already shown she's not up to a role where staff selection in part of it. And her peers and managers are aware of that. How humiliating must it feel to be removed from the interview panel because you've shown you can't do that part of the job? How humiliating must it feel to see the person you rejected doing so well? Every day, every time she sees you, you are a reminder of her failure."

Err...ok. Hmm

MadMags · 10/08/2017 11:23

She's already shown she's not up to a role where staff selection in part of it. And her peers and managers are aware of that. How humiliating must it feel to be removed from the interview panel because you've shown you can't do that part of the job? How humiliating must it feel to see the person you rejected doing so well? Every day, every time she sees you, you are a reminder of her failure.

Wtf??

IWantACheeseburger · 10/08/2017 11:29

OP you need to get a grip. Why spend anymore time thinking about this? It's a waste of time. Just enjoy your job and your son.

ilovegin112 · 10/08/2017 11:38

I wonder if you are on probation?? With an attitude like that whose to say you won't be out of a job in a couple months

WeAllHaveWings · 10/08/2017 11:56

OP, it really sounds like your want to say I told you so, or You were wrong, but the truth of the matter is you either didn't perform well at the interviews or someone else performed better, you are no different to 100's of people who didn't succeed to secure a role after an interview. Regardless of whether you turned out to be a good fit for the job or not, you didn't get this across confidently enough at interview. Or maybe they picked up on your seemingly over confidence at your abilities but inability to back it up in interview?

You are in the job, you are doing well. Draw a line under it and move on.

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 10/08/2017 12:01

I think it's positive to acknowledge your feelings on this issue. We can't all react like saints all the time. Anger is normal, bitterness is normal, humiliation is normal. We've all felt them. Pretending we haven't, or that 'growing up' would solve everything is disingenuous. As long as you haven't behaved unprofessionally towards interview woman, you're fine.

Turn the situation around - in an ideal world, what would happen now to help you feel better?

Ktown · 10/08/2017 12:04

Nerves on your part may have been mistaken for disinterest or rudeness.
Anyway you got a great job now so drop it.
You have no reason to be bitter and you have been proved to be there best candidate.

Talith · 10/08/2017 12:25

I hold grudges. It's hard not to when someone is blatantly rude. Not saying it's reasonable just that I understand.

Maelstrop · 10/08/2017 12:28

Utterly ridiculous. You have a very high opinion of yourself, OP.

AutumnMadness · 10/08/2017 12:34

I am amazed at the number of people who think that putting people under pressure and deliberately making them very uncomfortable during the interview is ok and even desirable. Bulling is never ok. What are you trying to find out by pressurising candidates? Whether they can handle bulling? Is bulling a normal part of the life at your workplace? If yes, then you need to put it in your job advertisement: "work involves functioning in high stress environment. Candidates will be subjected to stress/bulling in the interview process as a test".

Bluntness100 · 10/08/2017 12:35

I'd agree it's quite disturbing.

Fact. This was a panel interview. Other interviewers were there. They also clearly decided the op was not the best candidate and they were also able to watch the interaction and make a decision. Of probably four people in the room, only the op thought she was the best candidate..

Lack of personal responsibility . She won't accept responsibility and wishes to blame her performance and the ensuing year on this woman.

Over inflated sense of entitlement and ego. I'm the best and I deserved it more and they didn't give it to me for no fault of my own, it was all the managers fault.

I do wonder op if you actually like the job. You say you can't enjoy it because of your hatred for this woman. Are you sure that's why you aren't enjoying it?

Again, why did the others leave? A high level of staff attrition isn't a good sign for a company.