To hate the manager that rejected me at interview

[Ridiculousproblem1]

I cannot believe I'm being so silly.

I went for my first professional interview and one of the interviewers was all over the internal candidate and it was clear he was getting a position (there were several).

The same woman was fine in the beginning with me but as soon as I got nervous she stopped all eye contact, ignored me and ruled me out within seconds. She laughed at my answers and asked questions like 'I suppose you've never done xxx).

I was the strongest candidate but I got nervous and was ruled out and not helped at all.
I wanted that job more than anyone.

I was devastated when I didn't get it and so hurt they didn't offer me even an agency position or temporary. I wasn't even given a chance.

I then spent a year trying to find work. It was the worst year of my life and one that will stay with me forever.

I re applied again when the position came up but the woman rejected my application later telling others it was because I did badly at interview. The position came up again and this time I was interviewed by people who were professional and approachable. I nailed it and got the position.

The other woman is still unapproachable but doesn't seem that bad.

I have no idea why I feel like this as I've never held a grudge but I hate her. I hate that she didn't give me a chance and ruled me out.

I've been rejected before, it wasn't that. It was the fact she was rude, standoffish and made fun of me in the interview. When I see her I have awful flashbacks of the interview and I can feel my heart beat faster.

I now have the job, so justice has been served but I can't even enjoy the job as I'm so angry. The way I am you would think she'd murdered my Mum!

It's almost like a fixation now and I know it's pathetic.

I have a 35k a year job, a beautiful son, wonderful friends etc but I'm not happy.
I want her to apologise but obviously she won't.

I don't bad mouth her as I'm professional like hay but I secretly hope she is made redundant!

AIBU to hate her? Or is this normal?

Just to add I've never hated anyone before. I've been rejected before and never felt like this. I've forgiven people for much worse.

Get over yourself OP

OP, I do panel interviews, usually we are a 3 person panel. I am the most senior person but we all have an equal say in what happens.

I was once part of an interview panel of an internal candidate who just didn't interview well. This promotion clearly meant a lot to him, he got nervous and put on a performance that just wasn't him. Anyway, we said no (note, not rejected him, but said no) and he focused all his subsequent anger towards me, as if I was the one who made the decision, or I was responsible for his performance or it was my responsibility, perhaps as the only woman on the panel to put him at ease.. Nope, nope and nope again. His responsibility not mine. Despite being the senior person, I have been outvoted on other panels and the role of a good boss is to take all advice and not assume I know it al.

Anyway 2 years later he ended up being interviewed again, different panel. He got the job. The thing is, he was only marginally better than he was in the panel interview I did but we needed him (for reasons I can't explain without outing myself!) in this role so he was given a massive benefit of the doubt.

I have no doubt that this person still has a problem with me and thinks he got the better of me. The reality is that he didn't perform well on the day and, we, the panel made a decision to say no. It wasn't personal, it was based on his performance vs the other candidates and it was a good decision.

So however much energy he is wasting hating on me, I am certainly not feeling bad about the first decision. Note I use the word decision, not rejection.

Now, he could possibly go on and be super successful and it won't be evidence that I or even the panel made a bad decision. He doesn't report to me directly but his success is my success so it's not revenge for him to do well because I frankly, I will be well rewarded if he does.

OP, you have had some blunt and some hard advice. Not vile. I notice you haven't been back in a while so I am guessing that you're still reading but have taken some of the hard comments to heart. This woman didn't do anything to hurt you. You didn't interview well. And in my company if someone internal interviews badly we tend to give them 2 years before they get another go. For external it is usually a lot longer than that. She didn't make the decision alone, you might have felt humiliated by her but had you not been nervous in the first place then you wouldn't have crumbled and felt that way. You really need to reconcile how you look at this from your perspective and turn it around and look at it from hers. Because I think only then can you then marry the 2 positions and get proper perspective.

She sounds like a supercilious cow. She humiliated you in the interview and that was very unprofessional. Personally I would never have reapplied for a job where I would be working with someone I hated. But you did this so do need to move on.
She's a cow, you won't change that. But you knew what you re going back into.

You will meet unprofessional and incompetent people at work all the time. Obsessing about them is unproductive and will make you unhappy. Don't take it personally how this person treated you, they didn't know you or anything about you when they interviewed you.

You just need to practice forgetting the experience. Enjoy your job and concentrate on building your career and your reputation.

She sounds like a supercilious cow. She humiliated you in the interview and that was very unprofessional.

Given that the Op still thinks her bad performance isnt part of why she didnt get the job, i dont think you can know the woman humilated her.

The op admits she did poorly but still thinks she was better than everyone else. Even though she has no idea how they performed.

She thinks she wanted it more. Despite not knowing everyone else. She thinks wanting it more should be part of the interview process. I really want to be a director at my company. But i am not ready for it yet. Wanting something doesnt mean best suited.

The Ops thinking on this situation makes no sense at all. The ops assumptions and guesses dont add up. So i can imagine they dont add up about this woman either.

The Op feels she was a cow. That doesnt mean she was. It could be the Op that is the problem. And was the problem at the interview.

The decision was a no. The fact that OP now has the job does not mean the 'no' was wrong at the time. No one would take a poor performing candiate over a good one. The panel has to decide who seems best at the time.

Every decision has the potential of not working out. That doesnt make it the wrong decision at the time.

Likewise, someone staying in a role isnt proof that they were the right person for the job. In my career i have known many people who shouldnt be in their role. Another role would suit better. But they have been in it for a while and some comoanies just let sleeping dogs lie.

@Sleep & @Cosmic @Morethan all make very good and valid points.

All this emphasis on one interview is madness imo! I always want the best person for the job not some smart-arse blagger. I agree with you - any good interviewer will be looking to bring out the best in someone - not and attempt to impress me with BS in half an hour! I didn't get a job last year (reason was I am female - who knew!) still a bit pissed so understand your feelings - but hey shit happens - and am buggered if some fuckwit misogynist is going to bother me - I will take the advice of @Sleep and take my revenge with a full and happy life.

Sounds like you're more cross with yourself for getting nervy in the interview.
Get over it... she probably doesn't give a shit and to be honest now you've nailed the job, got the money etc you should move on.

I'm a manager and I've rejected people on very bad interviews who've later come back and done ok. Doesn't change the fact that their initial interviews were shit, I made the right decision at the time with what I had available but frankly don't feel like I owe anyone an apology!

It is probably the way you were rejected and humiliated that is still eating away at you.
You got the job finally so in reality you 'won', she was wrong and you were right. Focus on your job and do it well that is the best payback you can give her.