To hate the manager that rejected me at interview

[Ridiculousproblem1]

I cannot believe I'm being so silly.

I went for my first professional interview and one of the interviewers was all over the internal candidate and it was clear he was getting a position (there were several).

The same woman was fine in the beginning with me but as soon as I got nervous she stopped all eye contact, ignored me and ruled me out within seconds. She laughed at my answers and asked questions like 'I suppose you've never done xxx).

I was the strongest candidate but I got nervous and was ruled out and not helped at all.
I wanted that job more than anyone.

I was devastated when I didn't get it and so hurt they didn't offer me even an agency position or temporary. I wasn't even given a chance.

I then spent a year trying to find work. It was the worst year of my life and one that will stay with me forever.

I re applied again when the position came up but the woman rejected my application later telling others it was because I did badly at interview. The position came up again and this time I was interviewed by people who were professional and approachable. I nailed it and got the position.

The other woman is still unapproachable but doesn't seem that bad.

I have no idea why I feel like this as I've never held a grudge but I hate her. I hate that she didn't give me a chance and ruled me out.

I've been rejected before, it wasn't that. It was the fact she was rude, standoffish and made fun of me in the interview. When I see her I have awful flashbacks of the interview and I can feel my heart beat faster.

I now have the job, so justice has been served but I can't even enjoy the job as I'm so angry. The way I am you would think she'd murdered my Mum!

It's almost like a fixation now and I know it's pathetic.

I have a 35k a year job, a beautiful son, wonderful friends etc but I'm not happy.
I want her to apologise but obviously she won't.

I don't bad mouth her as I'm professional like hay but I secretly hope she is made redundant!

AIBU to hate her? Or is this normal?

Just to add I've never hated anyone before. I've been rejected before and never felt like this. I've forgiven people for much worse.

Think of it like she has got under your skin. The poison will kill you, so you need to sweeten it. Every time you think a negative thought about her or the job interview, stop yourself - that's the poison - and make yourself say a good quality she has. Make it your mission to neutralise the poison. Thinking about her and yourself more neutrally will be better in the long run - you are both employed to do a job and you are both hopefully doing it adequately, do not wish her ill.

Nonsense in your opinion! An outlet and a way to cope with anger is a good thing in my opinion. Not everyone finds it easy to get 'get over' things especially when you have to deal with arseholes day in day out!

AIBU to hate her? Or is this normal?

Yes YABU. And no, it's not normal.

You're projecting all your niggles & anxieties etc onto this one person. It's unreasonable and only damaging you: look at your words: I have a 35k a year job, a beautiful son, wonderful friends etc but I'm not happy.

That is not her doing. It's your responsibility. You sound rather young & immature. And also sound like some counselling would really help you to talk through this odd disconnect between your rational understanding (that your behaviour is "pathetic") and your strong emotions. YOu sound a very catastrophising person - it's all black or white for you. Can you seek help to find a better way of coping with severe disappointment?

In the meantime, why are you giving this colleague headspace?

Yes she was harsh & unconstructive in your first interview. But nervousness is something that interviewees need to overcome - or control.

My dh was rejected by the same man for a job 4 times, then he was interviewed when the man was away and offered the job. When the man found out he went mad as he had made it quite clear he didn't want my dh working for him.
He admitted it to him last year and apologised and told him that he was wrong and the best employee they had.
Just do the job to the best of your ability and keep proving her wrong

Maybe she felt she wouldn't get on with you so didn't want you working for her. Looks like she was right. Time to apply for other jobs as maybe you're not the best person for the job.

Career movers and shakers take roles in certain companies as stepping stones to future opportunities even though 4 months is short.

The sooner you realise that you blew the interview by being too nervous rather than looking for a scape goat, the better you'll feel.

It wasn't her fault you had a bad year.

You sound obsessed and that's not going to end well for you, try and push all negative thoughts about her away.

OP, this phrase from your original post stuck in my mind.
I then spent a year trying to find work. It was the worst year of my life and one that will stay with me forever.
Do you think it is possible that you are suffering from depression as a result of your terrible year? When depressed it is common to focus on particular aspects of things and blow them out of proportion. The injustice and humiliation you felt from the two rejections could have crystallised into this hatred for the interviewer who 'ruined it for you'. You subsequently getting the job when she wasn't involved probably didn't help. You are now in an enviable position, doing a great job and yet still can't feel happy. Please consider whether depression might be playing a role in your feelings.

I second what sonjadog has said. Well done on getting the job though. The best revenge for you is to let it go, be nice to her, and do your job well.

@CircleofWillis From my knowledge and experience of depression it does not manifest itself in massive arrogance ("I was the most qualified for the job" etc). The reaction from someone with depression would be the opposite. "I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, a waste of space".

Not everyone finds it easy to get 'get over' things especially when you have to deal with arseholes day in day out!

Luckily this OP doesn't have to deal with arseholes day in and day out then, eh?

I rather think the voodoo thing is tongue and cheek

Someone who wronged me in the fairly recent past made a couple of decisions which were entirely contrary to my advice and, I strongly suspect, were to undermine me and flex her authority

I feel no real guilt (just frustration) because I tried through various routes to have these decisions reversed, using all the diplomacy I could muster as I genuinely didn't want to show her up plus I'm very loyal to my employer.

These decisions are going to come and bite her very expensively in the arse quite soon. It frustrates me that my employer is going to have wasted a huge amount of money, but she can go fuck herself. The paper trail is going to lead straight back to her - my hands are entirely clean and my "told you so" moment will be sweet.

It's not big and it's not clever, but she was vile to me

The women was very unprofessional in the interview, you don't say things like 'I suppose you've never done...', in an interview you use open questions. Sounds to me like she favoured a man because some women are like that, it's so obvious in some cases.

I rather think the voodoo thing is tongue and cheek hmm

Hardly. Poster defended the suggestion in post at 08:04.

In the nicest possible way OP you need to get a grip.

Even if she is this terrible bully that you have created in your mind you need to get over it. She's probably not as bad as you think, ultimately you fluffed the interview. Even if she was aloof and standoffish and so on, you let the nerves get the better of you.

Drop it now.

I'd say just shrug it off but I think it's gone too far for you to just push the thoughts away so I think you need to make the decision to forgive her for her perceived wrongs. Every time you catch yourself thinking negatively or hatefully towards her tell yourself that you forgive her. You don't have to allow every thought that comes into your head to settle and get headspace.

The way you are harbouring this hatred isn't healthy or rational at all. You need to get over it.

I still think bitterness and anger are natural, human reactions. They just need an outlet; mine being occasionally looking forward to my nemesis' inevitable comeuppance. In The absence of that, I might resort to voodoo

OP, are you me?

Namechanged as have told a variation of this several times.

This year me and a colleague were invited to apply for a position as our existing positions would no longer exist due to restructuring.

In the interview, the main interviewer had negative body language and very clearly didn't rate me. This contributed to my already high nerves and I could have done better

This same interviewer had told me two years before that I was the best interviewee she'd ever had...

But my colleague got the role despite being open about not liking our company anyway

About 2/3 weeks after starting, she hands in her notice, meanwhile I've been effectively demoted.

I'll apply again, but don't expect to get it, despite this colleague passing half her work to me

It's being advertised externally this time so definitely unlikely to get it

I have a lot of anger towards the interviewer and this colleague and can only just keep it to myself

So I have enormous sympathy for the OP

I wasn't suggesting that she tries to enact revenge using a voodoo doll FFS, just find an outlet for her anger to get rid of it rather than letting these feelings eat her up.

You sound unhinged and frankly a bit scary in your first post. Strongly suggest you get some professional help to deal with whatever is going on because however much you think you're being subtle about your feelings at work, I highly doubt you are. You'll end up doing something crazy for 'revenge' and getting sacked then blaming this woman again and who knows what happens then! Take responsibility for yourself and grow up.

OP I dint think you are being unreasonable at all. It is perfectly normal to get nervous at interviews. You are correct, a decent interviewer will put interviewees at ease and have the skills to get the best out of each candidate. Not making eye contact, laughing at your answers (?!:) and the phraseology you have an example of is terrible interview practice and very unprofessional

I also think it's normal to still be effected by what happened. Because your career/life/future was jeopardized by a unprofessional incompetent interviewer

It's too late now; but they should have been scoring the interviewees against competences. You can't fail a job interview by being nervous (unless the company is shite and unprofessional as a whole)

You do need to get past it though. I don't know how. Time? How long have you been there already? Does she continue to be unprofessional as a manager? You need to keep a record if she is. Put it behind you, but be wary of her

Also, internal candidates are often ear marked for positions. It's not allowed and the application system is supposed to be anonymised. But there are ways

So your interview may have just been procedural and you never stood a chance. Which is deeply unfair

I think recognising the unfairness and unprofessionalism for what it is, might be a step to getting past your experience. Because, life just isn't fair, is it

1.You didn't do well in the first interview , which was a panel interview, so a panel of people decided who to give the job to , not just vile woman .

2.Your second application was rejected , a lot of organisations have a ' previous applicants need not apply' policy , perhaps this was the case here ?

3.You applied again , interviewed well and got the job , which you are now according to you doing very well .

Concentrate on 3 , congratulate your self on your tenacity to get the job you really wanted despite setbacks and disappointment . Forget about 1 and 2 , no good will come from dwelling on them .

Just out of interest OP , how old were you when you applied the first time ?

She clearly had favourites! But I think you're blaming her for all your horrid years. The best thing you can do is let it go and concentrate on the future being positive. Put the negative feelings behind you and see the horrid years as some kind of learning experience. Forgive yourself and her, move on.

This bitterness will only screw you up. Not her. And you've done so well persevering and in other ways

I wasn't suggesting that she tries to enact revenge using a voodoo doll FFS

Then perhaps you shouldn't have responded to a post in which I described the voodoo doll suggestion as nonsense by saying "nonsense in your opinion"?

And I don't imagine anyone on this thread was suggesting the OP could actually exact revenge by stabbing a doll - more that it would be an outlet.