To hate the manager that rejected me at interview

[Ridiculousproblem1]

I cannot believe I'm being so silly.

I went for my first professional interview and one of the interviewers was all over the internal candidate and it was clear he was getting a position (there were several).

The same woman was fine in the beginning with me but as soon as I got nervous she stopped all eye contact, ignored me and ruled me out within seconds. She laughed at my answers and asked questions like 'I suppose you've never done xxx).

I was the strongest candidate but I got nervous and was ruled out and not helped at all.
I wanted that job more than anyone.

I was devastated when I didn't get it and so hurt they didn't offer me even an agency position or temporary. I wasn't even given a chance.

I then spent a year trying to find work. It was the worst year of my life and one that will stay with me forever.

I re applied again when the position came up but the woman rejected my application later telling others it was because I did badly at interview. The position came up again and this time I was interviewed by people who were professional and approachable. I nailed it and got the position.

The other woman is still unapproachable but doesn't seem that bad.

I have no idea why I feel like this as I've never held a grudge but I hate her. I hate that she didn't give me a chance and ruled me out.

I've been rejected before, it wasn't that. It was the fact she was rude, standoffish and made fun of me in the interview. When I see her I have awful flashbacks of the interview and I can feel my heart beat faster.

I now have the job, so justice has been served but I can't even enjoy the job as I'm so angry. The way I am you would think she'd murdered my Mum!

It's almost like a fixation now and I know it's pathetic.

I have a 35k a year job, a beautiful son, wonderful friends etc but I'm not happy.
I want her to apologise but obviously she won't.

I don't bad mouth her as I'm professional like hay but I secretly hope she is made redundant!

AIBU to hate her? Or is this normal?

Just to add I've never hated anyone before. I've been rejected before and never felt like this. I've forgiven people for much worse.

You need to detach yourself from her and what she has said about you previously. Maybe focus on who did see your potential and then employed you - that's great.
Also you are working there, doing well and still there - that speaks volumes. The people she employed have left.
You are still there, so you win.

I always find that telling people to 'grow up' is the most useful piece of advice in every situation.

OK, so this woman was nasty but so what? The world is full of nasty (and nastier) people. I think you've got a hang up over this. You seem to think that the world should be your oyster. I think you ruminate over it too much. Try to force yourself to think positively of the other person, that is the only way to get over it.To me it sounds a lot like a baby not getting the ice cream, and screaming that mummy is vile. You need to try to forget or let go of the event because the only person it will damage is you.

Try to think of three positive steps or actions you may take that will stop you from feeling this way. (1) One step could be to forcefully say something positive about the woman in question instead of just focusing on how much you feel you dislike her. (2) The next one might be to read up on the Chinese tale "Good luck bad luck" - search for the phrase "good luck bad luck who knows chinese farmer" and you'll find it. Think about what happened to you, is it possible to say "good luck bad luck who knows?" (3) A third step might be to read the book (or listen to, or watch the film) by Paulo Coelho "the Alchemist". Check out the Alchemist on YouTube today and find a copy of it.

Go and see a therapist.

If she was vile, nasty, and you knew she'd be your manager if you got the job - why did you keep going back there and reapplying?! It comes across as some sort of a grudge to "prove her wrong" you developed years ago. A grudge that disnt miraculously dissapear when (in your mind) you did "prove her wrong."

Also wondering what's wrong with this position to have two others leave it so quickly.

I took my driving test 3 times. I passed the the third time. That does not meam the first 2 people who did my test were wrong. It doesnt mean that i should have passed the first 2 times.

Being successful on your third attemtp does not mean they were wrong to not pick you the first 2 times.

This woman isnt the one who did not pick you. It was a panel of people. They all decided. Maybe non of the candiates were great. But they picked the best from what they had to choose from. Which didnt work out.

Again it doesnt mean their decision was wrong. It was the right one at the time, buy didnt work out.

This is ruining the enjoyment of your job. That usually impacts performance. At the very least people will be able to pick up that you dont enjoy the job. And that will form part of their opinion of you.

You nees to accept your part in failing the interviews. Stop blaming her and stop letting it impact your life.

What makes you think you the 'stronger candidate'. Ask for feedback on the interview and move on. Think you need more interview experience judging by what youve written. How on warth you getting a another job is judice for her. She didnt want you to work with her so turned you down and accepted a better candidate. Move on. Yabu and abit over investigated which kinda shows why she turned you down if this came across in interview. Have a look why you not happy.

You can't change how people treat you, but you can change how you react to it. You need to let the bitterness stop eating you up.
You've got the job, you should feel happy with that and move on.
I will admit that I probably used to be a bit like yourself, things would fester away at me but i had a bereavement 6 months ago and I'd say that the only positive thing to have came from it is that I have Learned not to give a fuck about the little things. Life really is too short and it's changed my life

OP I find your post unnerving.

OP you say that you wanted the job most and you were the best candidate because ultimately you got it and stuck at it, even though you aren't happy.

You say you wanted it most because you applied the times, that doesn't mean you wanted it most at all, just that you applied over again, the other candidates didn't need to apply 3 times, they got it first or second go.
Do you know the reason the others were employed ahead of you? Did you see their CV or their interview? If you didn't you can't say that, you have nothing to compare to.

You know you're best as "you stick the role out " well do you know how the others performed? Have you seen their HR notes and feedback? How do you know that they didn't leave because something better came along, or they won the lottery, or decided the commute was too much or they had family things to deal with our their partner for a job in the Outer Hebredies. Or maybe they decided they didn't like the company or role, that they weren't happy there for any one of a thousand reasons, and did the bigger, wiser, healthier thing and moved on.

Op it reads to me you built this up to be your dream job. I think you put alot of pressure on yourself then this women was not friendly in the interview and you didnt do aswell in the interview as the others on the day. You seem to be dwelling on you being the best and wanting it the most but you where not the best on the day and just because the others left it doesnt mean you should have got the job. They may have left due to change in circumstances, move abroad, dream job came up for them or maybe they hated the job. You have the job now enjoy it and do your best. All the interview panel rejected you its not one persons fault, its also not her fault you had a awful year. I think you are fixated on this one woman and blaming her for everything bad that happened that isnt fair. You do need to move on as you need to work with her and if yoy are coming across like you are here in real life she will know and it could affect you at work. If you feel you are unable to resolve the feelings i would think about speaking to a counsellor about it. Good luck hope you resolve it soon and can enjoy your job.

Words of wisdom from my gm

"Bitterness shows in your face"

You did a bad interview, yet still feel you should have been offered the job. Flip, I have done fantastic interviews and not been offered the job, once because it went to an internal candidate, and once when it went to someone who also did a fantastic interview and did it better than me. I have also done fantastic interviews and been offered the job. It happens. I think you need to get your work life balance sorted out, brooding over this woman who is now a colleague and manager is mentally very unhealthy, so do something to occupy yourself and clear your mind or your obsession will ruin your career before it has started. You say this is your first professional job, well in 18 months or so it will be acceptable for you to move on and up, so focus on that, do your job well, achieve your targets, be proactive and positive and prepare for the next rung of the ladder.

I would have made an effigy of her and stabbed her to death. I'm half Italian and a grudge is for life. Wouild be best for her if she didn't have any horses too.

I find your OP disturbing too. You simply weren't the best candidate on the day. How can you think you were, without having interviewed all the other candidates yourself? The successful candidates may have been stronger, in fact so strong that they have managed to get better positions outside the company very soon.

As someone who has both interviewed, and been interviewed, a fair bit, I find your emotions rather alien. You didn't get the job the first time, you've got it now, just be happy.

In my job, there is someone who interviewed ten times for a job here, finally got a role, and has been promoted three levels and has now obtained a job in the City for an eye-watering salary. The difference being she has always been jolly, never alienated anyone, and been positive throughout.

Please move on OP.

On the one hand, the woman is (not "was") "vile and nasty" and on the other, she "doesn't seem that bad".

And the OP's very handy clairvoyant gifts mean that she knows that she was the best candidate hands down.

You need to build a bridge and get over it.

Or, in the words of the great Princess Elsa, "let it gooooooo." 🎶

I can see where you're coming from as it was total unnecessary to make you feel bad at interview: any decent interviewer would try and make a nervous candidate feel relaxed. If I were you I'd play the long game on this one and do as well as you can at work and who knows, maybe one day you will become her manager. After all revenge is a dish best served cold.

I suspect you're unhappy because this isn't your dream job. You were utterly unable to stand the rejection the first time around and kept coming back with no motivation other than to prove them - or in fact, this one woman- wrong.

Having eventually achieved your goal, you're now stuck in a job that you don't really want, that makes you unhappy and a situation that magnifies your insecurities. You will fail at this job, so best you start looking round for something else where you don't begin by dragging a load of baggage behind you.

You're right, OP, you're being silly.

You also come across as entitled and arrogant.

You have absolutely no way to know whether you really were the strongest candidate, or if you wanted the job more than anyone else. It might seem like that to you, but you actually don't know.

Plenty of people, myself included, have been rejected at interviews. And you know what? Most people don't make such a big song and dance about it, they just lick their wounds a bit and get on with their lives. I suggest you try doing the same.

OP, it's good that you have acknowledged that your feelings are unhealthy. I think you have to reframe it. The woman has poor judgement as the people she chose did not stay long (there must be something in that). You are excelling in your job which proves what you thought in the first place, that you could do the job and did a bad interview on the day. In future, I would practise keeping your composure in an interview if people aren't friendly. Sometimes they do it as a test particularly if the job involves dealing with difficult people. They may be nice after you got the job.

I think you are right not to badmouth her, keep on being professional. I would be cautious around her. She may have been playing bad cop on the day and is actually a nice person. Or you may have seen her true colours early on. Much better to know this sooner rather than later.

Congratulations on the job! I hope you enjoy it. Don't let this ruin it for you.

Some people are really shit at interviewing and some women do act like that when they feel threatened by other women. It's difficult when someone is your manager, but you have to just be totally professional. People like this often get their comeuppance eventually. I worked with a couple of bullies and used to fantasise about pushing them off a cliff, it made me feel better!! So maybe a voodoo doll would help!

I think you have to trust your instincts. Thank goodness, she's not your direct line manager. Hopefully interactions can be kept at a minimum.

You sound ridiculous, if you did badly at the interview then why would she give you the job? Because you wanted it? It doesn't work like that.
There is no point in holding such a grudge as the only person it's bothering is you, let it go or if you can't do that then find another job (and hope your interview doesn't go to pot!)

It can be deeply disappointing to not get a job when you want it so badly, however you really need to get some perspective on this and look at it from other angles.

You say you were the best candidate; well, maybe on paper (maybe not - if you didn't see the other CVs then you don't know) but you do know that interviews are about much more than qualifications or experience? You say you wanted it the most - again, you don't know that. Few people go for a job paying that kind of money thinking "meh... not really bothered....". Just because you went back 3 times means nothing; perhaps other people got offered something better. You'll never know.

You say that if she had been more friendly you'd have performed better in interview. This is likely where you fell short. You say it is a challenging role; if you crumble and fall to pieces every time someone isn't friendly then that would be a red flag for me; how do I as an interviewer know you'll be professional if faced with a difficult person/situation in the job? The interviewer owes you nothing. They are there to assess whether you're up to the demands of the job. They don't have the luxury of putting someone they're not confident about in a role for a few months to see if they sink or swim. They have a few minutes or at best a few hours to assess someone and bottom line is you didn't perform well in interview. Sounds to me like you weren't ready at that time.

You now have the job; if I were you I'd grow up, be professional, and focus my energy on doing the best job I could. If you excel in the job then that will speak volumes and it will be noted. If you get bogged down with this ridiculous vendetta then it will consume you and will inevitably affect your performance long term. Then you'll give this woman the perfect ammunition to say "told you so!". Don't give her that opportunity. Do the job and put it behind you. Prove her wrong.

So maybe a voodoo doll would help!

I can't believe the posters encouraging this arrant nonsense.