To hate the manager that rejected me at interview

[Ridiculousproblem1]

I cannot believe I'm being so silly.

I went for my first professional interview and one of the interviewers was all over the internal candidate and it was clear he was getting a position (there were several).

The same woman was fine in the beginning with me but as soon as I got nervous she stopped all eye contact, ignored me and ruled me out within seconds. She laughed at my answers and asked questions like 'I suppose you've never done xxx).

I was the strongest candidate but I got nervous and was ruled out and not helped at all.
I wanted that job more than anyone.

I was devastated when I didn't get it and so hurt they didn't offer me even an agency position or temporary. I wasn't even given a chance.

I then spent a year trying to find work. It was the worst year of my life and one that will stay with me forever.

I re applied again when the position came up but the woman rejected my application later telling others it was because I did badly at interview. The position came up again and this time I was interviewed by people who were professional and approachable. I nailed it and got the position.

The other woman is still unapproachable but doesn't seem that bad.

I have no idea why I feel like this as I've never held a grudge but I hate her. I hate that she didn't give me a chance and ruled me out.

I've been rejected before, it wasn't that. It was the fact she was rude, standoffish and made fun of me in the interview. When I see her I have awful flashbacks of the interview and I can feel my heart beat faster.

I now have the job, so justice has been served but I can't even enjoy the job as I'm so angry. The way I am you would think she'd murdered my Mum!

It's almost like a fixation now and I know it's pathetic.

I have a 35k a year job, a beautiful son, wonderful friends etc but I'm not happy.
I want her to apologise but obviously she won't.

I don't bad mouth her as I'm professional like hay but I secretly hope she is made redundant!

AIBU to hate her? Or is this normal?

Just to add I've never hated anyone before. I've been rejected before and never felt like this. I've forgiven people for much worse.

Are you being malicious maybe?

Not at all! I think the OP is admitting to some very human feelings and reactions. I can certainly relate. I'm surprised at all the supposed saints on this thread who seem to have never felt this way

You are perfectly entitled to hate her, I probably would too, but what's particularly worrying is that it seems so intense and it's making you so unhappy.

You should be relegating the hatred to the back burner now and moving on. Sort of hating her in a more comfortable way.

"Move on.
need therapy. Lots of it.
You need to grow up and get over it.
Move on and stop whining.
Clear your mind, it's extremely unhealthy.
Honestly get over it before you end up out of a job."
Wow. To the person who said people weren't being vile - what is then because these look pretty vile to me?
Posters: Don't you think that by starting this thread the op is trying to move on? Do you think that being told to move on will help them do that? You don't agree but there are more constructive ways of putting things.

None of that is vile. You also need to grow up a bit if you have a problem with people giving honest opinions.

Oh dear lord.... I think it's time to be blunt.

I interview a lot. Whilst it's to my benefit to get the best out of candidates, I don't owe them this. If you didn't perform to your abilities on the day, then you weren't the best candidate. You need to accept this - and take at least some responsibility for this. No-one can MAKE you perform badly. This is at least 50% down to you.

Just because you've ended up with the job after three attempts, it doesn't mean you were always the best. Two others were considered the best at the time, but they have moved on, for whatever reason.

In the kindest possible way, it's time to move on from this. Either decide to grow up and be professional, or start looking for another job that you are 'the best candidate for'.... Your mental health, and your professional reputation will thank you for this. No matter how much you think you hide it well, she'll know; and it's never a great thing to have someone senior in your structure know that quite so obviously.

I was rejected a couple of times by the same person.
I ended up working with her - always felt wary and uncomfortable round her. I think if you are rejected by a place it's best to avoid it in future if you can.

notevernotnevernotnohow thanks for proving my point.

Opinions are not valuable just because they are someone's opinion. For instance your opinion that I need to grow up a bit is not valuable because it doesn't really address my point about being more constructive, it's just a bit insulting, as I think it was meant.
Telling someone to grow up/get over it/stop whining etc. is not an opinion. They are slightly insulting phrases trotted out when people can't really articulate themselves and think that they know best because they just do rather than from a considered perspective.

How silly... You did not successfully interview with her, tough. Happens all the time to lots of bright and talented people. You are now in the same company, good for you but grow up a little. Bitterness is toxic. I feel sorry for her actually.

I didn't prove your point (which was a silly one).

Telling someone to grow up/get over it/stop whining etc. is not an opinion

It is actually, and coincidentally it's exactly what OP needs to do. She is harbouring a grudge for terrible reasons and making herself miserable. She failed at an interview at least a year ago and hatred for the person that interviewed her is poisoning her life. It's ridiculous.

If she can't get over it she needs professional help to do so.

Does she remind you of anyone from your past (looking even at your youth) who made you feel this way? A woman with power who belittled or ignored you? Or an incident that had similar hallmarks from long ago?

Sounds like an old wound has re-opened. It would explain why your mind has zeroed in on her and can't let go, even if logically you remember other slights against you have faded away?

I've found that even one session with a good counsellor can uncover what might be happening here, and once you discover it the power your manager has over your emotions will dissipate a lot. It can save you a lot of time and angst.

Or, you know, you might be able to relegate her to that group of people you just have to ignore in life- like road ragers and snobby school mums (ok, so that's maybe just me!). Good luck!

I was rejected for a part time position and turned down.

A few hours later, an email came through for a temporary position. Doing exactly that job and full time.

Breathe OP. As long as you don't act on them, you're welcome to think what you like.

Your interviewer was clearly impressed with the wrong candidates.

You've won.

Just add it to the water cooler gossip.

"So, how did you come to be working here?"

"Well, it's a funny story...... [ ... ]......well, you know what they say? Third time lucky!"

Those last two lines - add a little shrug and a sing song voice.

The best revenge is living a good life, happy, doing your best and doing no harm.

The only person you are hurting with this bitterness is yourself.

Write it all down, crumple it up in the bin and say 'I don't need that'.

OP, I think it might help if you could change the story you're telling yourself.

You've described someone who is really, really bad at interviewing. (Please believe me, this is something I know a lot about.) It sounds to me like she was out of her depth. It's the interviewer's job to create an environment in which she can get the most out of the candidate. She wasn't able to do that. Not only that but she recruited the wrong people who left quickly. This must have been very costly for the company.

Next time you start telling the story of your humiliation, try to reframe it.

It was her who was humiliated. She was already employed and was being well paid when she completely ballsed up! Lots of interviewees get nervous and your reaction was probably completely normal in the circumstances. So give yourself a break!

OP, you got the job and are making a success of it, so you proved her wrong.

The other 2 candidates that she selected did not stay in the role, so she was proved wrong then too.

With every little success and development of yourself in your role you further prove her wrong.

Keep it up! Maybe she even feels a bit foolish now, who knows?

notevernotnevernotnohow now you've explained yourself I can see where you're coming from.

I stand by saying that a lot of what's been said is vile [extremely unpleasant] and your comment about it being ridiculous I think falls into that camp. Have you always been so on-top of your own life that you've always been able to see the wood for the trees? I know I haven't and most people I know are the same. Being told they are ridiculous seldom helps.

I can see how these feelings could have come about. Your lack of success at that interview led into a really tough year for you, and the fact that a different interview panel gave you the job has fixed in your head the idea that she was entirely to blame for all the hardships of that year. If she hadn't been a dick, none of that bad stuff would have happened to you - or that's how the thought process goes.

That's pretty human but it's not very rational. Lots of people get nervous and cock up interviews. A kind interviewer can help, and it sounds like she was anything but. Laughing at your answers is out of order. But it's not the interviewer's job to fix your nerves. It's not their responsibility to make sure you get the job you want. It's their responsibility to find the candidate they want, and how they go about it is - within the limits of the law - up to them. In your eyes you've always been the best candidate, but you aren't exactly unbiased, are you? You are not entitled to a particular job, not ever. You interview, you give it your best shot no matter what, and if you don't make it that time you pick yourself up and try again. It's bloody grueling sometimes but that's the process.

I've had a run-in with a previous employer that left me with horrible anxiety symptoms for the best part of a year afterwards. I still think pretty badly of the person I was in conflict with. But I sometimes freelance for the same company and I don't dwell on the history. It would only make me unhappy all over again and risk damaging a valuable relationship. You can't keep letting this woman take up so much space in your head. The past is over, you've got the job. Don't let something from years ago wreck all your future memories of this time in your life.

Have you always been so on-top of your own life that you've always been able to see the wood for the trees?

No, but I've never harbored hatred for someone else because I failed at something. Have you?

I have felt like this. And it is humiliation. For some reason humiliation .....lingers. I was humiliated and reduced to tears by the most arrogant of all hospital consultants over 2 years ago now. But only recently has my near hatred of this personage passed. Whenever I thought the things he said and did, I felt such overriding resentment that tears would come to my eyes.
I have to say there are two things, and one is that you were in a position of no power (she had power to affect your life enormously)

And 2 complete lack of power to get what you perceive is justice. In my case I should have immediately reported the incident , but didn't due to the embarrassment I felt.

It helps to try and rationalise without emotion. What had happened to that person that day? That hour? That week? before you came along? Why is that person in that position? They must have redeeming qualities, or great skill or knowledge.

If it helps I'm sure the person would be mortified to know of the pain they caused you through a moment of human weakness.

I've finally gotten over my hurt and you will in time too.

You didn't get the job the first time around because you ballsed up the interview, regardless of whether she smiled at you or not.

And you clearly weren't ready for it then, considering how much you've carried on about it since.

You don't know that you were the strongest candidate at that time, and you don't know that you wanted it more than anyone else. How utterly arrogant of you to think so.

You really, really need to let this go and drink a giant glass of get over yourself.

Really you do. This is unhealthy.

Everything happens for a reason. Don't become a scary psycho.

It's normal to feel angry about the situation. The poor way she treated you, the crappy year you had. Youre really vulnerable in a job interview and she was unprofessional.

You probably have a lot of internal stress and anger about these things and are aiming that at her.

It's there anything you like to do when stressed? I find running helps. Just get all that stress and anger out.

I actually once didn't get offered a job, then 6 months later reapplied and got it. There are all sorts of things I could whinge about (I'd been oncall the night before, so no sleep, the fire alarm went off part way through and the building needed to be evacuated etc etc). But, ultimately, I wasn't good enough on the day the first time. I was good enough on the day the second time.

You were interviewed by a panel, not by an individual. That's deliberate to make it fairer. You appear to be obsessed with this, which is far more harmful to you than anyone else. I've since been on a fair few interview panels. I've seen candidates that looked fantastic on paper, and that we really wanted to be able to employ, who simply blew themselves up on the day. It can happen to the best of us.

Oh, and stopping looking at you? Can equally be interpreted as "oh shit, this candidate is being really nervous, me staring at her will make it worse, I'll try not to look at her"...

A couple of years ago, a position came up in my team that would have been a promotion for me. However, there were some aspects of the job I didn't feel I was qualified for and so I decided not to go for it. However my boss kept going on and on about how he wanted me to apply and that he could see me in that position, so I applied.

They told me I interviewed well, but decided not to offer me the position as I didn't have certain skills/qualifications they wanted - the very same ones I had already said I didn't have which is why I originally said I wouldn't apply.....

To say I was furious was an understatement. The people who interviewed me were my colleagues and all my team knew I had gone for the position so I felt embarrassed they all knew I didn't get it. It did cause a lot of tension between myself and my boss for a few months afterward.

My boss never really gave me an explaination as to why he encouraged me to go for it then rejected me for exactly the reasons I didn't want to go for it.

However I got over it. I excelled at my job and basically showed him what I could do/my skills and abilities etc. Due to this, I actually ended up getting a large pay rise which put me over the starting salary of the higher position. The person he did choose has very much shown they are all talk but not much action.

You do need to get over it, you are obsessing over something that cannot be changed. Just do your job well and move on.

Rise above it all and just be excellent in your job. I understand you are resentful that it took longer than it needed to to be where you now are. That is just the way life is sometimes. But you are there now and can show people how good you are. So just get on with it and be great at what you do.

One day she may look at you and think "oh, I got that wrong", and if she gets a lot wrong, that will show up in her appraisals too I bet. But that's not for you to worry about.

I've been interviewed by a panel and crumbled. I was offered no help and was devastated at the lack of kindness shown by the interviewers. I never tried again there and seeing how my life turned out, it would have been a great job for me. . Just one of those things. The next time you went you were more prepared and knew what to expect. Second time round is always going to be easier because there is less of the unknown. You should be congratulating yourself for getting the position and doing well in it. Instead you are fixating on this woman. It sounds as if she wasn't kind that day. Perhaps someone pointed her behaviour out after the event, perhaps not. In any case, I think some of your frustrations are with yourself for not doing better on the day and you have aimed that anger at her. Take some personal responsibility for your mistakes. Stop looking for excuses and living in the past. And if you can't, go and pay for some therapy so that you can. For this anger may end up holding you back in the future and it makes you your own worst enemy.