To hate the manager that rejected me at interview

[Ridiculousproblem1]

I cannot believe I'm being so silly.

I went for my first professional interview and one of the interviewers was all over the internal candidate and it was clear he was getting a position (there were several).

The same woman was fine in the beginning with me but as soon as I got nervous she stopped all eye contact, ignored me and ruled me out within seconds. She laughed at my answers and asked questions like 'I suppose you've never done xxx).

I was the strongest candidate but I got nervous and was ruled out and not helped at all.
I wanted that job more than anyone.

I was devastated when I didn't get it and so hurt they didn't offer me even an agency position or temporary. I wasn't even given a chance.

I then spent a year trying to find work. It was the worst year of my life and one that will stay with me forever.

I re applied again when the position came up but the woman rejected my application later telling others it was because I did badly at interview. The position came up again and this time I was interviewed by people who were professional and approachable. I nailed it and got the position.

The other woman is still unapproachable but doesn't seem that bad.

I have no idea why I feel like this as I've never held a grudge but I hate her. I hate that she didn't give me a chance and ruled me out.

I've been rejected before, it wasn't that. It was the fact she was rude, standoffish and made fun of me in the interview. When I see her I have awful flashbacks of the interview and I can feel my heart beat faster.

I now have the job, so justice has been served but I can't even enjoy the job as I'm so angry. The way I am you would think she'd murdered my Mum!

It's almost like a fixation now and I know it's pathetic.

I have a 35k a year job, a beautiful son, wonderful friends etc but I'm not happy.
I want her to apologise but obviously she won't.

I don't bad mouth her as I'm professional like hay but I secretly hope she is made redundant!

AIBU to hate her? Or is this normal?

Just to add I've never hated anyone before. I've been rejected before and never felt like this. I've forgiven people for much worse.

Wow! Posters here are just fucking vile!!!

Ah right, so telling her to move past a shit interview is vile. Righto. Op, she's a terrible human being, you were so the right candidate and entitled to the job based on the interview you gave. You were rhe best, rhe rest of the panel were irrelevant. You were rhe best and she was a bitch.

That's how to help the op. Yup. Help her get fired.

I don't see much issue with you having a strong dislike for someone who humiliated you at the interviews. You were starting your career and this kind of thing can shake anyone's confidence.
However, it is time to move on and focus on basically showing her why you were always the one. You can only do this by being the better person and moving beyond this anger. I am not saying your should forget her attitude, just that you need to change your attitude towards her attitude now. That is the only way to progress from here. Congratulations for securing and keeping the job though. Looks like you aRE a determined and focused woman. Use it to beat this anger now and move on.

Get over yourself. Be grateful that you have a job. Move on and stop whining.

I was the strongest candidate but I got nervous and was ruled out and not helped at all.

Erm, no, you weren't the strongest candidate on that day because you were nervous.

You sound a bit psychopathic dwelling on this. These kinds of fixations don't lead to anywhere good. Clear your mind, it's extremely unhealthy.

Valentine2

You were starting your career and this kind of thing can shake anyone's confidence.

At 35K it is unlikely to be a starting position.

The best revenge is a life lived well.

Be excellent at your job. The other two candidates that she picked failed, make sure you don't. Your excellence will highlight how wrong she was not to pick you first. No-one likes to be wrong. There's your revenge, highlight her poor judgement with your perfectly matched skill set and take pleasure in your achievement in landing the role. No need for nastiness, the more professional and pleasant you are, the more her mismanagement is highlighted to others who know she rejected you.

A word of advice, be nice to everyone, especially those lower down the ladder. You'll meet them again on their way up and kindness is remembered as vividly as the bitterness you're experiencing now. Make this experience a lesson.

Good luck in your new job!

Maybe you came across as arrogant, rather than being desperate and wanting the job so much (this has happened to me before because I was so eager to show my worth)

Maybe the rejection meant you could reflect and become more humble and so when you reapplied (1 year older and wiser, may I add) you would have been the perfect candidate.

I'm a massive believer in everything happening for a reason. Stop dwelling and enjoy job security

she has apologised for the other woman's behaviour without me even mentioning anything

I sincerely hope and suspect that's not true, it's horribly unprofessional if it is, but I doubt it is true.

You fucked uo the interview, it was a panel, they all decided. Honestly get over it before you end up out of a job.

Wow, you sound.... extremely over-invested (to put it kindly).

YABVU to hate someone who did their job. You believed yourself to be the best candidate but by your own admission you did badly at the interview. You hate this woman because she said you did badly at interview and didn't give you a job that you interviewed badly for!

Nobody cares how much you wanted the job, that makes no difference.

I have a 35k a year job, a beautiful son, wonderful friends etc but I'm not happy

You're fixated on someone who didn't give you a job that you now have. If you are this obsessed you need to speak to professionals.

Well, on the one hand, if she really did say 'I don't suppose you've ever...' In an interview, you're absolutely right, she's totally unprofessional, a terrible interviewer, biased and you'd have had grounds for a complaint (that the interview process was biased, they were not asking everyone the same questions or giving them the same opportunity to shine).

Oh the other, do you really feel confident to state that you were the best candidate, based upon your performance once, eventually, employed? Without having seen the others' CVs, or seen them interview? The only people I've met who have said that in similar situations have been quite deluded people.

They meant 'I really wanted this chance, I believe it is my destiny, I'm doing my best, so that makes me the best'. Uh, no it doesn't.

That is, best candidate and best long-term performer can be quite different things. Did those others leave for higher things after four months? But, people strong on paper can demonstrate themselves to be terrible at interview and vice versa and, interview can be a very poor way of identifying good performers in the role.

It's a flawed system. Sometimes, often, it generates poor answers. That's actually quite normal, not exceptional.

The other two candidates that she picked failed

It was a panel interview, she picked no one those on the panel discussed and agreed the op wasn't the best candidate at that stage.

Wise words from Sleep there.

if you felt she had behaved badly you should have complained to acas. This is a strange thread!

The whole point of interviews is to put candidates under pressure and see how they react. It's not their job to be nice to you. You crumpled, thus you didn't get the job.

A couple of years later, with more experience, you interviewed better and happened to get people with a less confrontational interview technique.

No, it's normal to hate this woman. You need to grow up and get over it.

You really must try to put this behind you. I certainly wouldn't expect an apology. If you keep up the grudge you might become one of those folk that can never see any good and always harp back to the one negative thing to anyone who will listen.. Yes it's annoying and you had an unpleasant experience but it's now time to let go.

I'd also be curious why the others left after four months, it does not seem they were fired, so why did they walk?

I'd focus on why you are so hung up on you're rhe best, when it's highly likely the best walked.

I can sympathise with being frustrated with your own performance at interview (whether this was more down to you or boss is not really relevant as the result was the same).
I didn't get a job I went for recently and was told in feedback that I was not selected due to my perceived personal qualities. Said personal qualities were strong in the prospective boss who ran the day, I was trying to present a harder, more professional image of myself and came across as stiff and arrogant (apparently!). I've found this very hard to take to be honest and if I was to end up working there after a difficult year I would probably hold a grudge against that manager because my year would have been easier without that set back.
Silver lining is that I have a similar but different job that is better paid with better prospects but I still wanted the other job more and it still hurts that I wasn't offered it.
I think that although some of the critical comments above are probably not based on relevant experience.

I hope that you can get over it, to be honest it sounds like it will be difficult whilst you and her are still at the same firm. Would it be too much to sit down with her and have a long chat to get it into the open? Your working relationship might blossom as a result.

You need therapy. Lots of it.

OP I get it. I still hate people who have wronged me and not so
secretly wish them all kinds of ill!
I'd advise cracking on with the job and performing the best you can, whilst hoping for her imminent demise. Mean people usually come a cropper in the end..
I've no idea why you are getting so much stick on this thread.

Do you think that horrible interview experience dredged up feelings from your past somehow? Have you felt wronged before?

If she'd been friendly I'd have done well at interview. I was nervous and she made me uncomfortable by being rude

Honestly, it sounds like you just weren't ready for that job then. You were nervous. You performed badly.

You've got more experience. You performed well. You got the job.

Move on.

The whole point of interviews is to put candidates under pressure and see how they react

It really isn't, at least not in all lines of work.

When I interview, I want to get as much good stuff out of the candidates as possible - putting them under unnecessary pressure isn't conducive to that.

I've no idea why you are getting so much stick on this thread

I suspect or hope you know what she's being told will help her move on and focus on doing her job and letting this go, as well as accepting personal responsibility for her failure. Are you being malicious maybe?

I think we all have periods in life the interview doesn't fall well for us and you have to just chalk it up to experience.

Feedback from one - it's not your time as you still have a small child.
Sometimes it's best to let it go.

I'm so embarrassed that I didn't do better

This from one of your posts struck me as significant. Embarassment is a strong emotion and I find myself wondering whether you are over-emphasising the role this woman played because then you don't have to feel so ashamed. Could that be part of it? Are you something of a perfectionist?

If it's that, then it might help to acknowledge the fact that you didn't do as well as you would have liked. Perhaps you had a bad day. Perhaps she did too. Shit happens.

Is her behaviour still vile and unprofessional? If not, then I think you need to behave professionally yourself and let it go. If she is bullying you (or anyone else) now, then that will require further investigation, If not, then your grudge is likely to lead to negativity and could be destructive to your mental health and career.