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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Incredibly sensitive thread...possible child abuse, please help.

163 replies

Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 19:25

Before I start, I would like to ask for compassion, sensitivity and understanding. This is an incredibly difficult thing to talk about, and I know some MN users can be unnecessarily harsh, this is not needed today.
I am going to give all the details despite it being a lengthy post, so that all the info is available.
My husband and I have a 5 year old. When our DS was 2, we let my DH father move in with us. He was having severe money problems, and could basically no longer afford to look after himself. We owned our own house and had the space so we said he could live with us.

At first things were fine. He and our son had a great and seemingly caring relationship.

Money issues arose due to us having another person living with us, so I decided to go back to work part time, and my FIL offered to look after our son, which we agreed to, as they seemed to get on so well.

After a while, things started to happen that set alarm bells ringing for me.

I would go into my son's room in the middle of the night just to check on him to find my FIL standing next to his bed and sometimes lying next to him in bed. My FIL would say he heard DS crying and came to help him, despite me being awake and hearing nothing.

My FIL would also turn up at bath time and offer to help, and as soon as my son was out and dressed for bed, he appeared uninterested in helping.

My son started to talk about a friend of FIL that they would visit during the day, everytime I went to work, describing in detail the house, and what they would see on the way there. My FIL denied taking him to visit this friend ever and became flustered when I asked him in more depth.

I also found DS baby gate to his room open a few times despite me or my husband not opening it in the night (FIL denied going in there).

DS started to wake up in the night screaming about his Grandad, this was really worrying.

Because of these things happening, and a generally uneasy feeling I got from FIL, I quit my job and stopped my FIL taking care of him. My husband was incredibly upset with me talking about this and said his father would never do anything like that to DS. My DH was raised by his father after his mother left at a young age.

I eventually managed to convince DH to sell our house and move. We now live 2 hours away from FIL.
My DH is adamant that his father is not a danger, whereas I feel otherwise. I have said that we can only visit his father if I am present and we do not leave our children alone with him (we now have a DD too).
It's causing major problems between us. He resents me because I am limiting contact with his father despite not having any evidence something actually happened. I resent him because I feel that his father is not to be trusted and I want to keep our children safe.
I am so conflicted. I want to keep my children safe. I also don't want to punish my FIL for something he hasn't actually done. I am struggling with this, and unsure what to do. This may end our relationship, as I feel my DH is starting to hate me.

I have had child abuse in my family (not me, but someone very close to me), and it was carried out by someone no one ever would have suspected. So it does happen.

I just want to keep my children safe. What would you do??? Please don't say I'm a bad mother, I'm just trying to do my best.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/08/2017 19:29

It sounds like you are doing the most you can at the moment. Please do not give in to your husband's conflicting loyalties.

PastysPrincess · 09/08/2017 19:31

If I had any suspicions about anyone I know I would limit contact in the way you describe.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 09/08/2017 19:34

I think you are doing the best you can at the moment.

Why did MIL leave FIL? Also its unusual for a woman to leave her child behind.

Have DS nightmares stopped, and is DS ok with seeing FIL or does he show reticence?

MrsUnderwood · 09/08/2017 19:34

You listened to your instinct. Something clearly wasn't right and you took steps to protect your children. Well done.

Original poster

Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 19:36

I've never found out why she left him, it's not discussed. My son is fine around FIL, but doesn't see him very often. However, he still talks about FIL friend, and this is years later.

OP posts:

CookieDoughKid · 09/08/2017 19:38

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Don't give in just to make them happy. What's at the core is the safety of your child. They can fuck off.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 09/08/2017 19:38

I would talk this through with the NSPCC, anonymously

cremedelashite · 09/08/2017 19:39

Oh my goodness. What a situation for you op. I'm no expert, but I believe you have done the best thing However from what you've described I would consider, checking via Sarahs law if there is any history on your father in law. I would consider couple counselling with a counsellor who is aware of safeguarding practice for children to explore your stance with your husband and what it means for you relationship. You might need concerns recorded if you split up and don't want your father in law having contact. You aren't denying contact, it just needs to be in your presence. Good luck op.

Pigface1 · 09/08/2017 19:40

How long since you moved away from FIL? How long did he live with you for? What kinds of things does your son say about the friend?

Angelicinnocent · 09/08/2017 19:42

Always listen to your instincts. Limiting contact is not the same as making an allegation with no evidence and your DH needs to realise that you are keeping your DC safe.

JacquesHammer · 09/08/2017 19:42

I would talk this through with the NSPCC, anonymously

I think that's a really good suggestion.

Not minimising at ALL but you've said you've got experience of child abuse. I think it it were me I would want to speak to a professional to find out whether my past experiences were colouring my view.

I think you're doing the right things listening to your instincts but I also feel really sorry for your H who must feel really conflicted.

I think it's so important the two of you are kind to each other whilst you sort this out

Teaformeplease · 09/08/2017 19:43

Trust your instincts. If you feel FIL is not to be trusted then don't leave DCs alone with him. Has DS ever indicated something happened?

LoyaltyAndLobster · 09/08/2017 19:45

OP you are not a bad mother

My FIL would also turn up at bath time and offer to help, and as soon as my son was out and dressed for bed, he appeared uninterested in helping

Above would have raised alarm bells for me, if I were in your position I would not let FIL see DS.

OkPedro · 09/08/2017 19:48

What does your ds say about your FIL friend?
Has your ds ever shown signs he may have been abused?

Heroicallylost · 09/08/2017 19:49

I think you've done an amazing job holding firm and keeping your child safe.

Family secrets really set alarm bells for me. Something is being hidden regarding MIL. And also have you been able to have an honest conversation with FIL about your concerns and why you're not happy with him being alone with your boy? I think it's a (calm) talk you should have with him and your DH present and FIL's response will probably tell you both all you need to know. I'd also press him on telling you what happened with MIL and say if you're ever going to start repairing trust he can't keep secrets about that sort of thing. Maybe it will convince your DH, or maybe it will help you see if you've been over cautious (but you must have had serious enough concerns to move). Either way perhaps it would help you and DH start repairing your rift.

TinyBarista · 09/08/2017 19:50

Your priority is your DS and ensuring his safety. I absolutely believe it you have any reason to believe improper behaviour from your FIL, you should act. I am shocked your DH would listen to the suspicions and continue to wish his presence on your DS.

CoolCarrie · 09/08/2017 19:50

Trust your gut OP.
You are doing the right thing by keeping you dc away from fil as much as you can, but a chat with a professional person in NSPCC will help.
Take care of yourself

Hidingtonothing · 09/08/2017 19:51

There's no question here OP, protecting your child comes first. Restricting contact isn't 'punishing' FIL, what would he gain from seeing your DC alone that he won't get when you're there, assuming he is innocent? You're not preventing him having a relationship with DC but you might be preventing something awful happening to your DC which in my book trumps any amount of adult upset anyway. I can understand your DH not wanting to believe it of his DF but, in the absence of any concrete proof one way or the other, I don't see how anyone can object to sensible precautions to make sure DC are safe.

StaplesCorner · 09/08/2017 19:52

Are you in touch with MiL? Must say, I would share your concerns.

CoolCarrie · 09/08/2017 19:53

You are certainly not a bad mother, you are doing fine

RedStripeHoliday · 09/08/2017 19:55

Actually alarm bells did ring reading your post. I think you should trust your instinct and also try to find out why your MIL left.

GutterStar · 09/08/2017 19:55

You have done the best you can.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 09/08/2017 19:56

I would seriously consider contacting your MIL if you haven't already.

Original poster

Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 19:56

DS has never actually indicated something happened. But the way he talked about the friend worried me. There were too many details for him not to be visiting him and yet FIL denied it. My son was so young at this point (2) so he was only just talking. We lived with FIL for 2 years and he cared for him once a week for 1 year.

OP posts:

Neverknowing · 09/08/2017 19:59

These things all sound very scary op I don't think you're being silly at all. Even if you are it's better to hurt someone's feelings than have your child be abused. I second talking to someone professionally, he sounds very strange.
Honestly, stick to your guns. Unfortunately lots of marriages end to keep children safe, this may be the case for you.

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