Incredibly sensitive thread...possible child abuse, please help.

[Anon262830]

Before I start, I would like to ask for compassion, sensitivity and understanding. This is an incredibly difficult thing to talk about, and I know some MN users can be unnecessarily harsh, this is not needed today.
I am going to give all the details despite it being a lengthy post, so that all the info is available.
My husband and I have a 5 year old. When our DS was 2, we let my DH father move in with us. He was having severe money problems, and could basically no longer afford to look after himself. We owned our own house and had the space so we said he could live with us.

At first things were fine. He and our son had a great and seemingly caring relationship.

Money issues arose due to us having another person living with us, so I decided to go back to work part time, and my FIL offered to look after our son, which we agreed to, as they seemed to get on so well.

After a while, things started to happen that set alarm bells ringing for me.

I would go into my son's room in the middle of the night just to check on him to find my FIL standing next to his bed and sometimes lying next to him in bed. My FIL would say he heard DS crying and came to help him, despite me being awake and hearing nothing.

My FIL would also turn up at bath time and offer to help, and as soon as my son was out and dressed for bed, he appeared uninterested in helping.

My son started to talk about a friend of FIL that they would visit during the day, everytime I went to work, describing in detail the house, and what they would see on the way there. My FIL denied taking him to visit this friend ever and became flustered when I asked him in more depth.

I also found DS baby gate to his room open a few times despite me or my husband not opening it in the night (FIL denied going in there).

DS started to wake up in the night screaming about his Grandad, this was really worrying.

Because of these things happening, and a generally uneasy feeling I got from FIL, I quit my job and stopped my FIL taking care of him. My husband was incredibly upset with me talking about this and said his father would never do anything like that to DS. My DH was raised by his father after his mother left at a young age.

I eventually managed to convince DH to sell our house and move. We now live 2 hours away from FIL.
My DH is adamant that his father is not a danger, whereas I feel otherwise. I have said that we can only visit his father if I am present and we do not leave our children alone with him (we now have a DD too).
It's causing major problems between us. He resents me because I am limiting contact with his father despite not having any evidence something actually happened. I resent him because I feel that his father is not to be trusted and I want to keep our children safe.
I am so conflicted. I want to keep my children safe. I also don't want to punish my FIL for something he hasn't actually done. I am struggling with this, and unsure what to do. This may end our relationship, as I feel my DH is starting to hate me.

I have had child abuse in my family (not me, but someone very close to me), and it was carried out by someone no one ever would have suspected. So it does happen.

I just want to keep my children safe. What would you do??? Please don't say I'm a bad mother, I'm just trying to do my best.

he could actually be innocent, so how do I accuse a family member without evidence

I honestly wouldn't worry too much about this at this stage; you're not publicly accusing him of anything but simply getting advice (and doing it anonymously) from such as the NSPCC, who are in a position to assess whether there's a risk or not

I'm just wondering if, after all, it would be worth calling them with your DH present, so he could hear that you're absolutely sticking to the point and can't accuse you later of "embroidering things"? Surely, if they did say this needs taking further, he'd then find some understanding of why it was necessary?

And FWIW, far from being a bad mother, I think you're being the best mum possible

Thank you for the advice PuzzledAndPissedOff. And for saying that, that's kind. I feel like if I was a great mum, I either wouldn't have left him with FIL in the first place, or would have stopped contact as soon as I had a first suspicion. It's a tough and difficult situation to deal with and to do what is best, when you honestly don't know what the truth is, but I'm glad people think I'm doing the right thing. So at least if I failed DS in the past, I won't fail him or DD now.

I might cause offence but I actually think that the vast majority of men are potential ( maybe latent ) paedophiles. I would go as far as to say that in my estimation roughly about 80% of men can potentially find children attractive in some way

Keep your hysterical rants to yourself, apart from the fact its complete nonsense its no help whatsoever to the OP who has a really difficult situation to manage. I do hope you havent got sons if you treat them as potential paedophiles.

OP, you sound wonderful. Don't doubt yourself, you are doing exactly the right things.

Millions of parents leave their children with grandparents! It's natural and not a negligee act on your behalf. I do feel you need to know more of the family secrets as this may allude to wether Fil has a dysfunctional/dubious history.

It's normal to find children attractive - in the same way we find kittens attractive, for instance - as they are designed to bring that out in us, so we will instinctively protect them and look after them. That's contributing to the continuation of the race! And it's ridiculous to conflate that with paedophilia which is a totally different thing.

OP, you're doing the right thing.

"Monster don't get close to children, nice people do". Someone told me that once and the were totally right. I can see from both sides, your dh obviously doesn't want to accept that thought about his father if nothing untoward ever happened to him and that's perfectly understandable. But if he's willing to cooperate with your decision that your dc are never alone with fil and you will always be there, go with it. He doesn't have to agree with you, just support you. It's highly likely he would never change his mind unless something happened, and that's understandable too. You're taking the right precautions without hard evidence and you're definitely doing the right thing.

Do call nspcc, they will be able to offer help and advice and they actually offer therapy of all types if needed.

And "the signs" are not all they're cracked up to be. My dd was abused by my brother for months and nobody knew until she told me, months after it stopped. Nobody knew, no "signs", nothing. I noticed she was suddenly very easily upset and took to calling me up to her room every single night for one thing or another (a drink, sort her duvet, forgot to tell me something silly during the day). I put it down to her age (11) but now she's told me it's suddenly mostly stopped. There was nothing more than that and I thought nothing of it at the time, certainly wouldn't have connected to two. Keep trusting your gut. Right or wrong, you're doing the right thing.

Good luck op, I hope you are wrong

You can also contact the Lucy Faithful Organisation. They are fantastic and deal specifically with issues relating to sexual risk and abuse of children. They have a confidential hotline to provide advice etc.

Vixsyn thank you for the post you left earlier, you have offered some very good advice and I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry that your partner was abused so cruelly, and when he had the courage to speak about it, he wasn't believed, that is absolutely heartbreaking. If my son ever tells me something happened I will 100% believe him, regardless of DH opinion.

LostBeyondWords, I'm so sorry your daughter suffered abuse, I hope she is doing better now. My heart goes out to you. It is absolutely devastating. Its good that she felt she could tell you. Thank you for posting.

Thanks Anon, legal things ongoing, dd is so-so.

I just wanted to put the side that there will always be someone people feel is beyond suspicion but in all honesty there isn't. The police told me there are only a small amount of cases they've dealt with that are actually regarding unknown people, most of the time it's family. That's not to say your fil did something untoward, but you're absolutely right to follow your gut in order to ensure your dc are safe.

Thank you LostBeyondWords, I appreciate it. Wishing you and your daughter all the best, hope she is able to move past it and have a happy life.

He could be deleting his browsing history.