Incredibly sensitive thread...possible child abuse, please help.

[Anon262830]

Before I start, I would like to ask for compassion, sensitivity and understanding. This is an incredibly difficult thing to talk about, and I know some MN users can be unnecessarily harsh, this is not needed today.
I am going to give all the details despite it being a lengthy post, so that all the info is available.
My husband and I have a 5 year old. When our DS was 2, we let my DH father move in with us. He was having severe money problems, and could basically no longer afford to look after himself. We owned our own house and had the space so we said he could live with us.

At first things were fine. He and our son had a great and seemingly caring relationship.

Money issues arose due to us having another person living with us, so I decided to go back to work part time, and my FIL offered to look after our son, which we agreed to, as they seemed to get on so well.

After a while, things started to happen that set alarm bells ringing for me.

I would go into my son's room in the middle of the night just to check on him to find my FIL standing next to his bed and sometimes lying next to him in bed. My FIL would say he heard DS crying and came to help him, despite me being awake and hearing nothing.

My FIL would also turn up at bath time and offer to help, and as soon as my son was out and dressed for bed, he appeared uninterested in helping.

My son started to talk about a friend of FIL that they would visit during the day, everytime I went to work, describing in detail the house, and what they would see on the way there. My FIL denied taking him to visit this friend ever and became flustered when I asked him in more depth.

I also found DS baby gate to his room open a few times despite me or my husband not opening it in the night (FIL denied going in there).

DS started to wake up in the night screaming about his Grandad, this was really worrying.

Because of these things happening, and a generally uneasy feeling I got from FIL, I quit my job and stopped my FIL taking care of him. My husband was incredibly upset with me talking about this and said his father would never do anything like that to DS. My DH was raised by his father after his mother left at a young age.

I eventually managed to convince DH to sell our house and move. We now live 2 hours away from FIL.
My DH is adamant that his father is not a danger, whereas I feel otherwise. I have said that we can only visit his father if I am present and we do not leave our children alone with him (we now have a DD too).
It's causing major problems between us. He resents me because I am limiting contact with his father despite not having any evidence something actually happened. I resent him because I feel that his father is not to be trusted and I want to keep our children safe.
I am so conflicted. I want to keep my children safe. I also don't want to punish my FIL for something he hasn't actually done. I am struggling with this, and unsure what to do. This may end our relationship, as I feel my DH is starting to hate me.

I have had child abuse in my family (not me, but someone very close to me), and it was carried out by someone no one ever would have suspected. So it does happen.

I just want to keep my children safe. What would you do??? Please don't say I'm a bad mother, I'm just trying to do my best.

You sound wonderful OP. Keep keeping your children safe.

Something to consider is that processing this is placing a huge amount of emotional and mental strain on your DP. He's been brought up by this man, theres secrets about his mother and is now hearing you say that some things make you uncomfortable. I think you're right when you say he doesn't want to consider his dad could do anything wrong, but I don't think that's automatically him trying to defend his dad. By even considering that his dad could do anything/facilitate his friend, DP is faced with losing his only parent so to speak. Your DP might be processing more under the surface than he's letting on so it will be tough on him

I am going to speak to the NSPCC anonymously and go from there

On balance I believe you're doing the best thing; at least this way you can rely on genuinely impartial advice while still keeping control on whether it goes any further

I'm also sure everyone will want to support you if you feel able to update us on what happens

Thanks MaisyPops, I have tried to be sensitive to this, and keep this in mind when talking to him.

OP, Well done for trusting your instincts. Your son will be grateful if this ever comes to light in the future. Unfortunately, my mother purposely lived in denial and chose to turn a blind eye and our family was left in ruins with lots of problems.

That's a really sensible decision. 💐

You are doing what so many parents haven't done your following you instinct and making sure you keep your DC safe,never feel guilty for that!

So many of us that have been victims of sex abuse as a child(I'm one of them)were abused pretty much under our parents noses and our parents never noticed anything,my parents both went to they're graves without ever knowing what had happened to me.

With your DH it's completely understandable why he wouldn't want to believe something so awful of his own Father but it's well worth remembering that alot of people that commit awful sex abuse crimes against children have children of they're own and never touch they're own children.
For others that do abuse they're own children they're child can learn to block out what has happened to them and as they become adults those memories can be buried so far back that they honestly can no longer remember what happened to them.

The NSPCC are amazing as far as I'm concerned(I used to work with children and phoned them many times in the past for advice)and you don't have to give your name or your DC name.

I hope nothings happend to your DS but no matter what I hope you get plenty of help and support [fowers]

Given you quit your job... given you moved... given you and your DH have probably had a few arguments over this... does FIL know of your suspicions? How has he reacted?

I'm so sorry for those of you commenting who have suffered abuse, it's terrible and I hate that any child or person has been through it.
I desperately hope I am wrong, but if I'm not I hope I have acted quickly enough for my son not to be affected. I hope so.

I never outright told him that I suspected him, however he has told friends of his that I don't trust him with the children. He's an intelligent man, I would be surprised if he didn't know. He has never mentioned it though.

I agree. Massive alarm bells rang reading the original post. Really creepy behaviour

You're doing absolutely the right thing. So often when abuse is uncovered you'll find someone that 'had a feeling' about it or 'didn't think xyz seemed right'. Urgh, people need to act on these feelings and protect children. I have a distant relative I feel this way about too. We barely ever see them so it's almost a non issue but when we do they are never alone with my child and never will be. And I have zero evidence to support this gut feeling, unlike you. Tbh even all else aside, taking your small child somewhere without permission and lying about it is enough reason for no more unsupervised contact, whatever the reasons for it.

Is your daughter older or younger OP?

Daughter is younger and has never been looked after by anyone but me.

Anon Ah, OK. That's super.

he has told friends of his that I don't trust him with the children

Which could be construed as "getting his defence in first", so that they blame you for any lack of contact instead of wondering about him ...

Oh my goodness OP. I work in a safeguarding role and your original post has rung MASSIVE alarm bells. I have read numerous victim statements with similar scenarios in their opening paragraphs. The subsequent paragraphs are not good reading. Not good in the slightest and if you do not take the protective steps you describe and the worst happens then you are seriously looking at life ruining abuse.

Yes there is a chance all is fine, but I'm sorry I don't think it sounds fine at all.

My strongest advice would be as a minimum you write down your memories of instances and situations that troubled you, how old your son was and anything he has said himself. This will help you remain clear in your safeguarding decisions as if your husband continues to oppose your fears then he could chip away at your resolve and you could start to doubt what you recall.

Also as a minimum your son must never be alone with his granddad. I think you are compromising massively just by allowing contact to continue. Your husband needs to be encouraged to recognise that. You are not prohibiting contact and there's no need for his dad to see your son on his own, your presence does not prevent any normal acceptable relationship growing. However insistence on a need to be alone would be very questionable.

Just to add one more point - I'd also try and limit contact your DS has with just his DH and FIL in case your DH continues to allow FIL to have sole care when he's there, or incase your DH leaves DS with him for short periods of time.

Sorry that's a really rough thing to say, but for now I think that's best.

Thanks for the flowers.

I'm as ok as I can be I suppose. I don't know any different.

For what it's worth, I have no reason to believe that my grandfather abused any of his own children - 2 sons and a daughter. He did also abuse my sister - we spoke about it only once when we are in our early twenties and both drunk. I don't know about my cousins.

You're doing the right thing.

Note3 good advice thank you. I'm very aware it does not sound good and I'm devastated for my son if this is the case. The thought of it breaks my heart, and I feel terrible that I may have allowed it to continue for as long as it did.

I think NSPCC is your first port of call, good decision. Well done on acting so quickly, and I hope your son isn't affected - assuming your instincts were right.

I was wonderimng about Sarah's Law too, but I suppose NSPCC will advise you on that. Hope itgoes well.

Your children are lucky to have you.

Akani, I have told my husband that him being there is not good enough given his stance on the situation. If FIL is with the children I HAVE to be there, non negotiable.

I'm a great believer in listening to your gut. Years ago I posted here about a local man and the way he was around my (then very small) dds. I had an awful lot of people telling me that I was obviously the sort of person who "saw a paedophile behind every bush" . However I stuck to my gut feeling and kept my children away from this man. DH and I are both convinced he is a paedophile. Your job is to keep your ds safe.
However- something did occur to me from your posts- I agreed with pps who have said perhaps he is used to a more maternal role with small children than would be common for his age group. I also wondered if his wife left because he was gay? I wondered if the "Friend" he was visiting might have been a boyfriend who he felt embarrassed to admit to, hence the lying? The lying about visiting the friend is the strangest thing, that and the nightmares are the biggest alarm bells for me. I also, like another pp, wondered about the beginnings of dementia, some of the things you describe do remind me very much of this (I have direct experience of dementia in both my parents) I do think that there would almost certainly have been some signs in your son, if he had been a victim of sexual abuse, or that being so small he would have said something outright to you that would have made it clear. So it is a comfort that the play therapist thought not, and that there has been nothing from your son that has suggested sexual abuse.
What an incredibly difficult situation. Hopefully nothing has actually happened, and yet given your unease and misgivings, I don't see how else you can act other than how you are acting now. Your son was so little, maybe he has forgotten, or maybe nothing happened. As a mother though, you do have to act on your instincts. I wonder if there is any gentle way of talking to your ds about this?

Thank you Jux, you're kind.

absolutely, absolutely listen to your instincts.

I did not. Not an adult involved but another child.

My son will never be quite the same.

All that you say rings horrible bells.

Believe your instincts here over your husband's. Do what you need to to protect your children. Be there, be consistent and ask help. MOSAIC is supposed to be very good, though I never managed to get through to them myself. Given the sum total of the small indications, it's probably wise.

Thinking of you.