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AIBU?

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Original poster

Incredibly sensitive thread...possible child abuse, please help.

163 replies

Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 19:25

Before I start, I would like to ask for compassion, sensitivity and understanding. This is an incredibly difficult thing to talk about, and I know some MN users can be unnecessarily harsh, this is not needed today.
I am going to give all the details despite it being a lengthy post, so that all the info is available.
My husband and I have a 5 year old. When our DS was 2, we let my DH father move in with us. He was having severe money problems, and could basically no longer afford to look after himself. We owned our own house and had the space so we said he could live with us.

At first things were fine. He and our son had a great and seemingly caring relationship.

Money issues arose due to us having another person living with us, so I decided to go back to work part time, and my FIL offered to look after our son, which we agreed to, as they seemed to get on so well.

After a while, things started to happen that set alarm bells ringing for me.

I would go into my son's room in the middle of the night just to check on him to find my FIL standing next to his bed and sometimes lying next to him in bed. My FIL would say he heard DS crying and came to help him, despite me being awake and hearing nothing.

My FIL would also turn up at bath time and offer to help, and as soon as my son was out and dressed for bed, he appeared uninterested in helping.

My son started to talk about a friend of FIL that they would visit during the day, everytime I went to work, describing in detail the house, and what they would see on the way there. My FIL denied taking him to visit this friend ever and became flustered when I asked him in more depth.

I also found DS baby gate to his room open a few times despite me or my husband not opening it in the night (FIL denied going in there).

DS started to wake up in the night screaming about his Grandad, this was really worrying.

Because of these things happening, and a generally uneasy feeling I got from FIL, I quit my job and stopped my FIL taking care of him. My husband was incredibly upset with me talking about this and said his father would never do anything like that to DS. My DH was raised by his father after his mother left at a young age.

I eventually managed to convince DH to sell our house and move. We now live 2 hours away from FIL.
My DH is adamant that his father is not a danger, whereas I feel otherwise. I have said that we can only visit his father if I am present and we do not leave our children alone with him (we now have a DD too).
It's causing major problems between us. He resents me because I am limiting contact with his father despite not having any evidence something actually happened. I resent him because I feel that his father is not to be trusted and I want to keep our children safe.
I am so conflicted. I want to keep my children safe. I also don't want to punish my FIL for something he hasn't actually done. I am struggling with this, and unsure what to do. This may end our relationship, as I feel my DH is starting to hate me.

I have had child abuse in my family (not me, but someone very close to me), and it was carried out by someone no one ever would have suspected. So it does happen.

I just want to keep my children safe. What would you do??? Please don't say I'm a bad mother, I'm just trying to do my best.

OP posts:
CheckpointCharlie2 · 09/08/2017 20:00

Does your FIL ever ask why you moved or ask to see you more? Just wondered if he just accepted it or tried to make you stay? I think it does sound dodgy OP and always always advocate trusting your instincts in situations that make you feel uneasy.

JaneEyre70 · 09/08/2017 20:01

Never worry about trusting your gut instinct. Something is telling you to be wary, and you're doing exactly the right thing. This must be awful for you.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 09/08/2017 20:03

Omg this sounds awful . I'd be wanting to look at this more in depth and get answers . Does your son ever mention his grandad now ? Does he seem frightened of him ? Have you ever asked (in a sensitive child friendly way ) dd if grandad ever touched him anywhere he felt was wrong ?? SO sorry op this sounds horrendous for you

sobeyondthehills · 09/08/2017 20:05

OP

I would also ring the NSPCC.

Also as a side note, I would report your own thread and get it moved to another section.

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/08/2017 20:06

I think you are doing the right thing OP - I read your post and lots of things rang alarm bells for me - the bath situation, the mystery friend - why would your FIL deny seeing a friend with your son if it was completely innocent? Also finding your FIL in your son's room/bed at night.

I'm also curious about why your MIL left-does your husband have contact with his mother? I would be interested to know why her leaving is such a big secret!

I would continue to limit contact to you being present for now - you must continue to protect your children - that, above all else, is the most important thing.

InvisibleCities · 09/08/2017 20:07

Do what you need to do to protect your child. I can understand it might throw up painful associations for your DH, but if he won't discuss his DM there's nothing you can do. And if he chooses to prioritize his DF over his DS, there's nothing you can do.

KentMum2008 · 09/08/2017 20:09

I've got no advice other than what other posters have already said, NSPCC is a good shout too.

I mostly wanted to comment that I don't think anybody would read this and think you're a bad mother. Quite the opposite in fact, you're doing the best you can to protect your child and it's far preferable to the alternative, maintaining contact and your suspicions being true.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/08/2017 20:10

OP, please stick to your guns, you sound like a rational Mother, who hears her baby. Please don't be persuaded otherwise. I know this is an extremely emotive issue, but you know what your heart heard !
Be brave Sweet. 💐

Original poster
Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 20:12

I questioned my son gently and nothing seemed worrying. We then had a general safeguarding talk with him so he knows what is appropriate and what isn't. DH is of the opinion that my past (family child abuse) and also the fact that I suffer from anxiety is making me see things that aren't there. And for a time I convinced myself this was the case. My instincts managed to override that, and I know that my feelings are legitimate despite having no 'evidence'.

OP posts:
Carriecakes80 · 09/08/2017 20:15

Firstly, I think you are a wonderful Mum, listening to your child, listening to your instincts, and protecting your child. I agree with the poster who suggested talking to the NSPCC to see what they would do...You are 100% doing the right thing. Of course your husband would hate to hear the suspicions about his father, but none of us know anyone 100%, and no matter how small he thinks the risk is, its there. You keep it up, you are doing amazing, and I hope against all hope you get this all sorted, but just in case, like another poster has suggested, do make your worries known to someone, as if you and your DP do split up, and he gets partial custody, if you then started to talk about your concerns, they could easily believe you are saying it for spite. However, if you have your concerns on record somewhere, then you have something to back it all up.
Lots of love, this must be so so hard for you. x

SonicBoomBoom · 09/08/2017 20:15

You're doing completely the right thing. There is just no need for FIL to see DS without you there.

lalalalyra · 09/08/2017 20:16

I think I'd be doing the same in your shoes. There's something there.

Have you asked your FIL about the friend again? If your FIL is totally innocent of anything improper (and please do trust your instincts!) and the reason your PIL's marriage split up is such a secret then could his friend actually be his partner?

Marymoosmum14 · 09/08/2017 20:17

Your FIL could be lying about going to see his friend for many reasons, has your son ever said what happened whilst there? The thing that is worrying is your FIL lying in bed with your son. Have you tried to talk to your FIL? Not in a I am judging you way but just a these things don't add up and I don't feel happy with you being alone with my son until I know why sort of way?

Seeingadistance · 09/08/2017 20:21

Thank you for acting to protect your son.

I was sexually abused by my grandfather from before the beginning of my memory until I was 15 years old. I've never spoken to my parents about it.

Trust your instincts. Something isn't right.

And yes, phone the NSPCC for a chat and any advice, support and guidance they can offer.

penny4321boom · 09/08/2017 20:26

Knowing someone who is very close to me who was abused by a family member who nobody expected and signs were ignored because of who the family member was, The mother has never forgiven herself. I believe you are totally doing the right thing by following your instincts. I would do the same no matter who the family member was. It must be hard for your husband, a very difficult situation for you.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 09/08/2017 20:29

OP I would have done the same as you. I understand it's very hard. Flowers

mygorgeousmilo · 09/08/2017 20:32

Another echo of "you're doing the right thing". You are.

frenchfancy17 · 09/08/2017 20:37

Trust your instincts x

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/08/2017 20:40

DH is of the opinion that my past (family child abuse) and also the fact that I suffer from anxiety is making me see things that aren't there

But couldn't it equally be said that his natural wish to defend his DF is perhaps leading him to deny warning signs which are there?

I, too, saw massive red flags in your OP around the bathtime issue and the visits to a friend, but even more with finding him in bed with your DS after hearing him crying ... only he wasn't crying. There also seem to be far too many secrets for my taste; after all, why not simply say if he'd taken DS visiting and why the refusal to talk about MIL? Nor are you refusing all contact between DS and FIL - you're simply saying you must be there too, which surely shouldn't be a problem with such a young child?

Your instincts are there for a reason and there can be no doubt you're doing the very best you can for DS - and I agree a call to the NSPCC would be wise, if only to persuade DH about the wisdom of your choices

Original poster
Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 20:40

Thank you for the compassionate comments, I was concerned about posting this.
SeeingADistance I'm so sorry you went through that. No child should be subjected to abuse. I hope you are OK.

I very much hope I am wrong about FIL, but I have said to my DH that even if there is a 1% chance of it being true, then it's 1% too much.

OP posts:
UtterlyFcked · 09/08/2017 20:41

On the flip side, as he raised your DH, he may have gone back into the habit of babying someone (your son) without it necessarily being untoward. This would obviously be out of the ordinary for you and would make you uncomfortable, particularly him waking in the night to check on your DS. Would you draw the same conclusion if it had been a MIL?

I wouldn't assume abuse unless your child has exhibited signs, which it sounds like he hasn't. You are still absolutely right to act on your instincts.

IDoDaChaCha · 09/08/2017 20:44

You did the right thing. Protecting your child is paramount. All else is secondary. End of.

Cate1362 · 09/08/2017 20:46

Hi OP, I know I'm echoing what a lot of others have said here, but the NSPCC have a helpline that's open 24/7 to give advice on this. You can contact them on 0808 800 5000.
Even if there's nothing to worry about, they can give you some good advice on what to do next. If there is nothing to worry about then at least you can put your mind at rest.
Good luck x

BewareOfDragons · 09/08/2017 20:47

It's amazing how people are told to go against their instincts so often, like your DH is doing to you. To me, it sounds like something was clearly wrong between your FIL and your DS, and your DH is in denial.

I think you've done the right thing, by the sounds of it. The only thing I personally would have done differently is I would have set up a hidden camera in his room to see if it picked up anything, and possibly a tracker in his car to see where they went.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 09/08/2017 20:47

Definitely doing the right thing. Alarm bells ringing all over the place with your post.

A 2 year old couldn't make up visiting FILs friend, he just couldn't. The fact alone that your FIL denies this would make me worried, that's without all the extra stuff on top.

You are a great mum. Your DH is a shit dad who would rather put his father's feelings above his son's safety. If this does split you, be aware your DH is likely to take your child to his dads, and leave him there....