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Original poster

Incredibly sensitive thread...possible child abuse, please help.

163 replies

Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 19:25

Before I start, I would like to ask for compassion, sensitivity and understanding. This is an incredibly difficult thing to talk about, and I know some MN users can be unnecessarily harsh, this is not needed today.
I am going to give all the details despite it being a lengthy post, so that all the info is available.
My husband and I have a 5 year old. When our DS was 2, we let my DH father move in with us. He was having severe money problems, and could basically no longer afford to look after himself. We owned our own house and had the space so we said he could live with us.

At first things were fine. He and our son had a great and seemingly caring relationship.

Money issues arose due to us having another person living with us, so I decided to go back to work part time, and my FIL offered to look after our son, which we agreed to, as they seemed to get on so well.

After a while, things started to happen that set alarm bells ringing for me.

I would go into my son's room in the middle of the night just to check on him to find my FIL standing next to his bed and sometimes lying next to him in bed. My FIL would say he heard DS crying and came to help him, despite me being awake and hearing nothing.

My FIL would also turn up at bath time and offer to help, and as soon as my son was out and dressed for bed, he appeared uninterested in helping.

My son started to talk about a friend of FIL that they would visit during the day, everytime I went to work, describing in detail the house, and what they would see on the way there. My FIL denied taking him to visit this friend ever and became flustered when I asked him in more depth.

I also found DS baby gate to his room open a few times despite me or my husband not opening it in the night (FIL denied going in there).

DS started to wake up in the night screaming about his Grandad, this was really worrying.

Because of these things happening, and a generally uneasy feeling I got from FIL, I quit my job and stopped my FIL taking care of him. My husband was incredibly upset with me talking about this and said his father would never do anything like that to DS. My DH was raised by his father after his mother left at a young age.

I eventually managed to convince DH to sell our house and move. We now live 2 hours away from FIL.
My DH is adamant that his father is not a danger, whereas I feel otherwise. I have said that we can only visit his father if I am present and we do not leave our children alone with him (we now have a DD too).
It's causing major problems between us. He resents me because I am limiting contact with his father despite not having any evidence something actually happened. I resent him because I feel that his father is not to be trusted and I want to keep our children safe.
I am so conflicted. I want to keep my children safe. I also don't want to punish my FIL for something he hasn't actually done. I am struggling with this, and unsure what to do. This may end our relationship, as I feel my DH is starting to hate me.

I have had child abuse in my family (not me, but someone very close to me), and it was carried out by someone no one ever would have suspected. So it does happen.

I just want to keep my children safe. What would you do??? Please don't say I'm a bad mother, I'm just trying to do my best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 21:51

DH just comes up with excuses tbh. Regarding the visits to the friend, he said he's known the person a long time and they're not a danger either. Also he thinks his dad was worried that I wouldn't react well to him taking our son to a friends house so he pretends he hasn't gone there (?!!!). It's all rubbish responses, he basically has never wanted to believe his dad is capable of this.

OP posts:
Akani · 09/08/2017 21:55

I would go as far as to say that in my estimation roughly about 80% of men can potentially find children attractive in some way.

I am very sorry you've had experiences that have led you to think like this, but I can absolutely tell you this is not the case. A very small percentage of men and women are peadophiles.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/08/2017 21:56

It's all rubbish responses ...

You're not kidding Hmm I'm really sorry, but for me that just wouldn't be good enough, and I'd worry that too much of this was being passed off by using me as some sort of scapegoat

I absolutely accept that anxiety can do awful things to us all, but by my standards there's just too much wrong for sweeping it under the carpet

LucieLucie · 09/08/2017 22:00

It may be worth having a chat with your local police child and family team.

This man and his friend may be known to them. You only know him as dh dad, but who knows.

Abuse is normally carried out by a trusted family member in plain sight.

A lot of what you said would have my spider senses tingling. In the circumstances, I wouldn't let my dh stop me from putting cameras in place if that's what I felt I needed to do to be sure.

PollyFlint · 09/08/2017 22:02

I might cause offence but I actually think that the vast majority of men are potential ( maybe latent ) paedophiles. I would go as far as to say that in my estimation roughly about 80% of men can potentially find children attractive in some way

Your 'estimation' has absolutely zero grounding in fact and this sort of scaremongering isn't helping anyone. If 80% of the men you know fancy prepubescent kids, you might want to consider the company you keep, because this is not even remotely typical of the population in general.

The poor OP has a really difficult and frightening dilemma on her hands which she is trying to deal with appropriately - posting this sort of inflammatory nonsense to frighten her further isn't useful. She's having a hard enough time as it is.

Akani · 09/08/2017 22:02

"It may be worth having a chat with your local police child and family team. "

Not unless you definitely want it investigated because child sexual abuse investigations can occur without parental consent, so before you go down that route ensure you and your husband are both happy for this to be fully investigated.

Original poster
Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 22:12

Akani, I am afraid of ruining a potentially innocent persons reputation when I have no evidence and just 'gut feeling'. It's the reason I haven't gone to the police already. I discussed speaking to social services or the police already with my husband, which was when he started talking about my anxiety being a reason people might not believe me. It felt like a warning. DH had also said that if we ever split up, he wouldn't have a problem taking our children to see his dad. This situation makes me feel so trapped and limited in what I can do. I have no evidence, I have a history of anxiety, who would believe me?

OP posts:
LucieLucie · 09/08/2017 22:13

Akani that's an unhelpful and untrue sweeping statement.

What exactly are they going to investigate?

Op would ask if there is any reason to be concerned about a young child being in the company those males that's all.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 09/08/2017 22:13

It may be worth having a chat with your local police child and family team

How can you possibly go to the police? even though there are a lot of red flags in the situation, I don't see how the police would be able to investigate.

LucieLucie · 09/08/2017 22:15

Where did it mention asking police to investigate??

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/08/2017 22:21

I discussed speaking to social services or the police already with my husband, which was when he started talking about my anxiety being a reason people might not believe me. It felt like a warning

Forgive me, but I don't like the sound of this at all; if he's so confident, why would he object to you discussing this with folk who - on his analysis - would put your mind at rest? The same principle applied to the suggested cameras, and that didn't even involve an outside agency

I was going to urge you once again to call the NSPCC, but at this rate what happens if they also advise caution? Will he try to suggest they're also making a fuss over nothing on the basis of an alleged silly story you've told them? Hmm

Akani · 09/08/2017 22:21

"It may be worth having a chat with your local police child and family team"

"having a chat" with the police may lead to the police investigating; that's what they do when vulnerable people (ie. children) may be at risk. The decision of whether it gets investigated or not is not always down to the parents/guardian.

You can't just walk into a police station and have a chat about suspected child sexual exploitation and expect them not to investigate it.

Akani · 09/08/2017 22:24

that's an unhelpful and untrue sweeping statement

No. It's really not - parents / women do not get to decide what does and doesn't get investigated in cases where other members of the public may be at risk, particularly if it involves children, or, abuse. Investigations can take place without people consenting to them.

Redsippycup · 09/08/2017 22:28

Is anyone familiar with Sarah's Law? OP do you know FIL's friend's name and address etc? Does anyone here know how requests under Sarah's Law work - could OP request a disclosure (?) on FIL and friend and get the results without DH knowing? (so if there is nothing on record he doesn't need to know she checked)

PopcornBits · 09/08/2017 22:29

What I would be doing is compiling evidence.

I know you don't want FIL near him, but, I think you need to get a few cameras in different rooms and you need to allow contact to compile the evidence.

Do not tell your husband that you're putting cameras in your house, he won't agree with you.

It sounds like a terrible plan, and I wouldn't want to put my child at risk either, except there isn't any apparent risk other than your gut instinct.

So go with it, install the cameras and keep track of when he's around your son.

Akani · 09/08/2017 22:33

Installing cameras in somone's home without them knowing is dodgy as fuck and would open the OP to further issues.

It's not the OPs job to "gather" evidence. It's her job to keep her son safe, which is what she is doing.

Any evidence gathering may negatively impact further police investigations. By all means keep records OP but please don't try and "catch" or "lure" your FIL into anything - keep him the hell away from your son.

Akani · 09/08/2017 22:34

Sarah's Law will work if he has prior convictions.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme-communications-guidance

Akani · 09/08/2017 22:35

However, with Sarah's Law if there is a safeguarding issue - I think both parents would be notified; I don't necessarily think they would have to be notified about who made the application however.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/08/2017 22:35

OP I have not RTWT but if anyone has flamed you I am so sorry

Personally I would take some more affirmative action and call NSPCC

I think this 'friend ' sounds fishy and I am sure if he did anything he will have. Track record , other issues

I appreciate this could open a can of worms but ultimately you are accountable to your son

I wish you the very best of luck and well done for taking action Flowers

Original poster
Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 22:36

I don't plan on trying to 'catch him in the act'. My son is hardly around him and when he is, I am there.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 09/08/2017 22:37

He resents me because I am limiting contact with his father despite not having any evidence something actually happened.

But you do have evidence. You have all the things you listed in your opening post, which are clearly signs of something not being right.

I think you're doing the right thing in protecting your child. If your husband doesn't like it, your husband has problems. Keep on doing what you're doing.

Akani · 09/08/2017 22:37

Anon I know, sorry I just wanted to clarify after reading a couple of bizarre replies that that was not the way to do things.

You're doing a great job at keeping your son safe.

Original poster
Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 22:39

I am going to speak to the NSPCC anonymously and go from there. Rest assured, while I am breathing my son and daughter will never be alone with him. Thank you to everyone who has commented, I appreciate the sensitivity and compassion x

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 22:39

I am going to speak to the NSPCC anonymously and go from there. Rest assured, while I am breathing my son and daughter will never be alone with him. Thank you to everyone who has commented, I appreciate the sensitivity and compassion x

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon262830 · 09/08/2017 22:41

Thank you Akani, I appreciate it.

OP posts: