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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? We dont want Mum's husband being called grampy/grandad

172 replies

appleblanket · 08/08/2017 20:15

Ok so my Mum remarried a couple of years ago and since my DH and I announced our pregnancy, my Mum has already started referring to her husband being called Grampy when the baby arrives which to us, is like nails on a chalkboard! DH and I have never been close to him, just the usual small talk as we don't really get on that well with him (previous issues with treatment of Mum which I don't want to bring up here). I know most people wouldn't have an issue with this however we still (thankfully) have our parents alive and kicking so to us, they will be called their grandparents. My brother already has kids of his own with his partner and they didn't mind as much as to what Mum's husband is referred to so am I supposed to follow suit on this or can I say that we would rather they're referred to by their forename? We really don't want to upset anyone but it really bothers us and I don't want Mum or others to get used to the idea of him being called Grampy! Has anyone else had this issue?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 08/08/2017 20:22

You still have your Dad?

What's he going to be called?

JanuaryJuniper · 08/08/2017 20:25

Nip it in the bud now we'll bedore the baby ever makes an appearance.

Genghi · 08/08/2017 20:27

If your dad's still alive and you don't much like him, there's nothing wrong with your kids calling him by his first name. Your mum just has to get used to it.

bearhug · 08/08/2017 20:27

Sort of similar. My DDad's wife was never my stepmother as I never lived with them. We got on well enough I suppose. When DS was born I was surprised she came to visit and it took me a while to register that she considered herself to be his grandma.

I recon it takes a vilage, and having an extra grandparent is no bad thing. It's actually lovely to see them together, they get on so well. She is definitely DS's favourite grandma!

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 08/08/2017 20:27

As your dad is still alive then kids should refer to him by his name.

Growing up my cousins called our nan's husband grandad and we didn't. It has always bothered my grandad though!

I think parents should decide what kids call a step relation and then have it agreed with the step relation!
On the flip side, my DC has no biological granddad and therefore refers to step grandad as grandad (DP doesn't refer to him as dad) and her cousins all refer to him as his first name

Nowthereistwo · 08/08/2017 20:29

We are lucky that we have 3 sets of grandparents. And whilst i would never call my parents new partners mum or dad (Or even stepdad) I do think it's nice that they have a special name.

So we have a Grandma Name and Pops on the otherside. All natural grandparents got first dibs on names.

All the grandchildren love the step grandparents as much as the real ones - it's who ever puts the most effort in.

user1468353179 · 08/08/2017 20:29

My friend's kids called their grandparents nana and his name, grandad and her name

outofmydepth45 · 08/08/2017 20:30

Is he going to have a grandparent role ? Nothing wrong with one than one grandad. I guess it depends how much you don't like him/ if he will have a relationship with your child.

If you see yourself needing childcare in the future I would alienate them !

Chillyegg · 08/08/2017 20:30

Next time say no he will be called [insert forename] . He has 2 grandads. That's it.

outofmydepth45 · 08/08/2017 20:30

*would not !!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/08/2017 20:31

Could you compromise with "Grandad Fred"? And then call the "real" grandads just "Grandad" / "Grampy".

icclemunchy · 08/08/2017 20:31

We don't. Both my parents are remarried/with long term partners. My dad sometimes slips up and refers to his gf as nanny x because my niece and his gfs grandkids who live locally and see them regularly do but it's very occasionally and not malicious.

Fil tried to insist his wife was nanny but were nc so don't have to worry about it Grin

Theimpossiblegirl · 08/08/2017 20:31

Can he be pops? If he's permanent and wants to be another adult that loves your child can't he have a title? What if your dad remarries? Personally I have been creative, no-one is offended and my children have lots of different family members.

LittleMissMankyPants · 08/08/2017 20:31

You need to be very clear on this NOW or you'll be stressing about it whilst caring for a newborn.

Next time it's mentioned, just say you're DC will be using his name. Perhaps a surprised / confused tone would work well. "What's his Grampy nonsense you keep going on about? It's an awful name and anyway, your DH isn't our DC's grandfather" Swiftly followed by your best d'uh face.

talonofthehawk · 08/08/2017 20:31

Tell her straight-
"Mum your DH is NOT our child's grandfather and will not be referred to as such."
Very simple

LittleMissMankyPants · 08/08/2017 20:32

your

hiphopcat · 08/08/2017 20:35

There's no way to 'fix' this without causing upset, and a huge row.

You need to tell your mother that your child will NOT be calling her husband 'grandpa!'

Easy enough, but it will cause offence. So hold on to your hats!

Greyhorses · 08/08/2017 20:35

We just changed it so we have Nana and Nana X instead of them both being Nana.

I don't think children care too much though so it's not something I really bothered to stress about.

wink1970 · 08/08/2017 20:36

Woah, massively different view here.

If he turns out to be good with the child, and they love each other, then you are a twat of the highest order for projecting your views onto this. He may surprise you.

Equally if he is crap with the child then I withdraw my comments and he should be called by his forename.

Alternatively, if this is all too grown up for you, give him a (non offensive) nickname.

Yes, I am a doting step-gran, one of 3 sets of Nans due to divorce. My equivent (my step daughter's step dad, i.e. DH's ex's DH) isn't that good with or close to DSD but is FAB with the grandchildren, as we all saw recently on a forced together holiday. Give him a chance.

gillybeanz · 08/08/2017 20:36

I think you'll find your child will decide anyway.
It's different in our case as we all sort of get on but my ils divorced and remarried and there are various titles used.
Dh dad's wife is a lot younger and only 10 years older than dh, so she was always auntie.
Dh mums husband was always grandad because he behaved like one iyswim.

chestylarue52 · 08/08/2017 20:37

Uncle 'Knobhead's name is fine. You get to chose.

Haffdonga · 08/08/2017 20:39

If both your and your dh's dads are going to be called grandad then you have a good reason (confusion) not to call mum's partner grandad too.

Agree with PPs, think of a different affectionate name for him as grandfatherly or not as you wish. (Pops, Popsy, Pa, Pappy, Bob, David or Splodge).

TinDogTavern · 08/08/2017 20:43

Both my parents are remarried. Dad is Grampy and stepmum is Grandma . Mum is Grandma and stepdad is Grandad . Little ones don't care, as a pp said its about what the step-GPs put into the relationship.

thegirlupnorth · 08/08/2017 20:44

It's only a name, it's what he means to the child not what he's called that matters. I was married to a shit husband who doesn't deserve his dad title but that's another story!

My friends son called his grandpa Jimpa, simply because he'd heard so many people call his grandpa Jim and he got mixed up and he's been Jimpa ever since!

DoYouSupposeShesAWildflower · 08/08/2017 20:45

The problem with refusing to allow a Grandad type name is that because your child's cousins already call him Grampy you would be alienating your child and making them different from their cousins. It wouldn't really be surprising in that situation it the other children in the family grow up with a different sort of relationship to your step dad, and potentially your mum as well. If they were the first children in the family then it would be easier to ask for first names but I think in this situation I'd be inclined to follow your brothers lead.

My dc's have 6 grandparents, two of which are step, and all have grandparent type names.

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