AIBU? We dont want Mum's husband being called grampy/grandad

[appleblanket]

Ok so my Mum remarried a couple of years ago and since my DH and I announced our pregnancy, my Mum has already started referring to her husband being called Grampy when the baby arrives which to us, is like nails on a chalkboard! DH and I have never been close to him, just the usual small talk as we don't really get on that well with him (previous issues with treatment of Mum which I don't want to bring up here). I know most people wouldn't have an issue with this however we still (thankfully) have our parents alive and kicking so to us, they will be called their grandparents. My brother already has kids of his own with his partner and they didn't mind as much as to what Mum's husband is referred to so am I supposed to follow suit on this or can I say that we would rather they're referred to by their forename? We really don't want to upset anyone but it really bothers us and I don't want Mum or others to get used to the idea of him being called Grampy! Has anyone else had this issue?

Could he be called some nickname that isn't Grandad or Grampy say Pops maybe? Say it's to avoid confusion as there's already a Grandad and a Grampy, or whatever.

My mum's husband is known as grandad insert name all the rest of the grandparents are just nan Nanny ect and their great nan is Nanny jaffa cake as that's what she's always giving them. My dad died when I was 19 and my mum's husband is the closest thing to a grandad they have. I think it would be different if my parents had split though.

It depends on how much you see him in my opinion. I hardly see my dad and my Stepmum is horrible. She refers to herself as grandma and I ignore it because we see her approximately twice a year.
On the other hand, my mum tried to get us to call her DP 'Grampy' I completely refused because I didn't agree with it. Funnily enough they split up two years later so I was right. I had it in the back of my mind that I didn't want my child to call someone something so familiar and have the relationship not work out and them think they had lost a grandparent... might be daft but it's how I felt

I on the other hand have a very close relationship with my own SD and have been in her life since she was very young - I would love and treat her children as though they were my biological grandchildren... but I would never try and insist I was called something special because I wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes

What's wrong with everybody lately? So many people seem so blood tetchy!

*In a loving relationship, there is nothing wrong with them using their own name.
It works both ways.

If you want to call people grandparents who are actually not, you can do so. But don't tell others they have to, or that there is something wrong with them not doing so.*

Everything I said is IMHO but I honestly didn't know we have to put that into every post.

*Bloody

Highlight fail!

You sound very thoughtful MrsDc7. It's funny because a lot of people are saying it's not a big deal to call something grandma/grandpa etc, but I grew up with 'Grandad and Auntie Maureen' and that never felt like a big deal either. From a very young age we just understood that we had a grandma who had sadly died before we were born, and now Grandad was married to someone else. I guess that's why I would never have thought it was a big deal at all for my mum's husband to just be Uncle Jim.

The only time I can ever really remember thinking about it was when 'Auntie Maureen' came with me to something at school when I was a teenager, because my parents were away. She introduced herself to one of my teachers as 'Frieda's grandma'. After the teacher had walked away she said to me 'I hope you didn't mind me saying that, I know I'm not your grandma but it was just easier that way'. I said of course I didn't mind and didn't give it a second thought.

Thinking about it now, that was actually very considerate of her and after seeing all this debate I can really appreciate how thoughtful a gesture that was.

I agree with what tinymeteor said up thread - teaching the children to demote an adult in their life by calling them their first name, is passing the adults issues onto the child.

I understand that lots of people have very complicated pasts. Their relationships with their parents and step parents or parents new partners are not always easy. If a parents partner is new or likely short term, then I get why using the name 'grandad' or whatever might not be right.

However, if that adult is a permanant fixture, then they will be part of the child's life for many years. I think most of us would agree that having more older, interested and loving adults in our child's life is a good thing. One poster said that this adult would never ever be called Grandad by their children - well to me, that sounds controlling and dictatorial. It could well be that the children develop a great relationship with this man who is married to their Granny and absolutely want to call him Grandad - and really it isn't then up to the parents to choose.

I think that when people go through these thought processes when pregnant, they are really thinking about themselves and not their child. They do t want to call the new partner Dad. That is absolutely fine, because it is about their relationship with this person. They forget when thinking theoretically about all this, what small children are like and how issues of the past and technicalities mean absolutely nothing to them, but what does matter is the people who are actually in their lives and who play a loving role in their lives. They will call this man whatever word they can get out of their mouth as they learn to speak. They will call him a name without it having any connotations or baggage attached to it. And why would an adult want to add connotations or baggage to what is an innocent and unsullied relationship? Why would an adult need to force the child to demote this adult in their eyes and the world, unless it is to purposely hurt them or their mother who has married them.

OP, your mother has married this man. He is there to stay and if you can find it within yourself to be generous at this point and open handed and inclusive towards him, you will do all kinds of favours to your relationship with both your mother and him. I always remain surprIsed at how reluctant people are to build bridges, but how quick mumsnet sees are to suggest actions which will widen gulfs and how a lot of this seems to come down to power.

OP I can see has an issue with someone else telling her what this man should be called and it is a big deal to her that she should choose as the mother of the baby. This is about asserting power and control. PErhaps OP could consider if it is really necessary to do this and to assert control over this. Is it a matter that really needs this and are the consequences worth it for a bit of saying 'my child, my choice'. In my mind, the big, generous thing would be to allow a special name for this man. A bit of a discussion with The family might be in order. All families having a child need to decide what the various grandparents will be called - and it can be a source of limited tension when even only natural grandparents are involved. At the end of the day, it will be up to OP to manage the discussions, especially if 2 people would like the same name. However, I think the really important thing in all this is that all the adults are treated sensitively and feel they are listened to and welcomed into the babies life. OP are you able to have those discussions, be sensitive to all the adults and most importantly, to genuinely welcome all of these adults into your babies life?

Great post Chocolate

Chocolate wombat, that approach only really works with respectful people. I have a would-be grandparent who has zero respect for the rest of the family's feelings. So I knew when I was pregnant that this person would never be a good grandparent.

They aren't prepared to compromise on the name - they wanted to be called the only name I had said was 'reserved' for my late mum which she would've been called if she had lived longer. We offered a similar option but she won't hear of it. So we don't call her anything now. Just 'erm' and 'hello there'.

If the child chooses to use a certain name or nickname later in life that's a different story I think, but for the first year or two it's going to be the parent who has to use those names. And to some people it might just feel horribly wrong to say, for example, 'let's have a cuddle with Grandad' as you pass the baby over if 'Grandad' is actually the man that Grandma left your father for, or a new partner on the scene after your father has died.

We have this on my DH side.
We have Ganga and Auntie Name
Then Nanny and Uncle Name

So they have something a bit more than just a name

I guess I start from an assumption that people are decent and newcomers into families are to be welcomed.

I appreciate that if parents have died and been 'replaced' or if people have separated and new partners found, it isn't always easy for the adult children. However, I am of the view that our parents are adults who can choose their own lives and we too have to be mature and adult about this. Having a new wife doesn't desecrate the memory of the old one. Because my natural mother is dead and would have been called Granny if she had lived to see her grandchild, doesn't make me think that no-one else can ever take that name, as it would be an offence to her. I'm just glad my Dad has found someone else who makes him happy. That new wife will never be my Mum and wouldn't expect me to call her it and that's all fine. But she has been the lady who is with my Dad who is Grandad and has been there since before my children were born. My children are only little now. They know both Grandad and Granny and know they love them. Another lady called My Mum has been mentioned and they have seen pictures of her, but they are still little and to be honest, the idea of her hasn't really sunk in yet, whereas there is a firm reality of the lady called Granny in their life. The time will come when they will hear more about My Mum and how special she was, but I accept that sadly they will never know her and that her place in their thoughts will be limited because of that. It's just a fact. They can however have a wonderful relationship with Granny, the lady my Dad later married and I'm glad about that for them.

I could have said she should be called Auntie X or whatever instead. However I know she's around for the duration and the children already think of Grannies and Grandads together, it causes no harm to anyone but makes us all part of a big family. Sometimes Granny does do things which my Mum wouldn't and which annoy me a bit, but that doesn't make me think I don't want her to be Granny. My Mum also did things which sometimes annoyed me too. My children enjoy that special relationship children can have with adults of an older generation and are building memories and this lady is their Granny in terms of her relationship with them and to in her relationship with my Dad. It's good enough for me and I'm happy to go with it, not because she was keen to (and she never mentioned it, but my Dad raised the question gently) and I don't feel any need to assert power over her or to demote her position within the family.

It really does take a village, your child will benefit from having a variety of adults in his / her life and sometimes it really is easier to let some things go. If it makes your Mum happy, if it keeps the family wheels well oiled etc, is there really any huge problem?

He might have a fantastic relationship with your LO, new babies soften things and change relationships and perspectives on many levels.

The same thing happened to me. I married again and we agreed with my daughter that my husband would be known as Grandad-first name. He's happy, she's happy so win win. Most of all our grandson absolutely adores his grandad-first name

I really think you need to relax about this. My mum is dead and I really don't get on with my stepmother and I worried about this before the baby arrived. Then I realised I was being ridiculous and a bit controlling. It's not really for me to decide what my children choose to call the people in their lives.

I had step-grandparents who I referred to as Grandpa, etc. - so no issue with that personally. But - it should be something you are happy with, and you aren't, so that is that!

What stands out for me here is that it isn't the pattern -and I think you should base your objection on that.

'Well no we'll be calling Bob just by his name of course, just like you are Betty to Bob's grandchildren-? It would be very odd to call him Gramps when you aren't Gran, I wouldn't think that would work at all' - this is what you say to your mum next time.

YABU. I was always told it's the GPs decide what they want to be called. In my family growing up each of my GPs had different names ie I had a Granpa and a Grandad, not 2 Grandads. I wanted to do that with my own DC.

ILs already had grandchildren when mine were born and other DC called them Nanny and Grandad. I loathe Nanny and really objected to it, and didn't see why we had to have FIL as Grandad when that was my DF's name.

As it turned out, DC1 aged 20 months was sitting with DF in church at DC2's christening and watched FIL walk in. You could almost see the wheels turning in her little head when she looked back at my DF and announced with a beaming smile "Two Grandads!". I was the only one with an issue; the DC didn't have a problem.

Now I'm old enough to have GC I appreciate why they wanted to choose their own names. No way on earth am I being called Granny, Nanny or Nanna. Similarly I really don't like it when children use my first name.

I don't think you are thinking about anyone else here. Why should your DM's husband be expected to be called by his first name because you say so? You don't mention how old he is but there are still older people about who find this really offensive.

My parents and step-parents are Grandma & Grandpa Name; Grandpa and Name. However, that was my stepmother's choice - she said she was too young to be a granny! She loves my kids, though, and that's what counts.

I think it should reflect the relationship youbhave with your step parent. I had grandparents who weren't biological grandparents but raised my parents. My mother's husband has only been around 10 years or so never my dad.

To me it's about the relationship, not the amount of shared DNA. My Stepdad's DF was an arsehole who I never liked - he hated the fact that his precious son had married a woman with children and never remembered my name. I was always "girl". He was called by his first name.

However, Stepdad always treated us the same as his own children (although he is called by his first name out of respect to bio dad) and when we had children he became Grandad . When his bio daughter had a child and someone said it was his first grandchild, he corrected them and said it was his seventh! DH is nc with his own dad and we are lucky there is someone willing to fulfil the role.

Is there another "grampy" type nickname you would be comfortable with?

My DD's have the same - both mine and DH's parents are divorced and all have new partners.

It's different to your situation in that the "step grandads" are actually closer to us and they are better grandparents than their biological grandfathers, but we still felt that calling them "Grandpa" or "Grandad" wasn't really appropriate, so they both have nicknames - my stepdad picked a name which is in a similar vein, which his biological grandchild now also uses, and DH's stepdad started out being called by his name, but my eldest DD couldn't pronounce it so called him something else which has stuck!

If you're not comfortable with it though, just have the conversation and if challenged just repeat "we are not comfortable with that" ad nauseam until the message sinks in. Chances are your DC will come up with something themselves as they get older.