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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? We dont want Mum's husband being called grampy/grandad

172 replies

appleblanket · 08/08/2017 20:15

Ok so my Mum remarried a couple of years ago and since my DH and I announced our pregnancy, my Mum has already started referring to her husband being called Grampy when the baby arrives which to us, is like nails on a chalkboard! DH and I have never been close to him, just the usual small talk as we don't really get on that well with him (previous issues with treatment of Mum which I don't want to bring up here). I know most people wouldn't have an issue with this however we still (thankfully) have our parents alive and kicking so to us, they will be called their grandparents. My brother already has kids of his own with his partner and they didn't mind as much as to what Mum's husband is referred to so am I supposed to follow suit on this or can I say that we would rather they're referred to by their forename? We really don't want to upset anyone but it really bothers us and I don't want Mum or others to get used to the idea of him being called Grampy! Has anyone else had this issue?

OP posts:

lurkeyishere · 09/08/2017 13:25

It's difficult to decide both my in-laws have partners while my mother in laws husband is refered to as papa and it's fine I like him he is involved with my kids and shows an interest in them and has known them since birth.
my father in laws partner I cringe when she wants to be be called nanny the woman only comes in my house every 2 or 3 years all her kids and grandkids refer to my father in law as dad or grandad I find it very strange they have only been together 6 years and the youngest grandchild is older than my father in laws actual grandchildren his eldest is 13 so I think the youngest of hers is 15ish?? Her kids are all about the same age as my husband so 40ish. None of my children or nieces and nephews refer to her as nanny but she still trys to push it when she does see them.
When my kids ask I tell them call her what they want if they don't want to call her nanny don't. If they ask should they call papa something else that's their choice too they carry on calling him papa and her by her shortened first name

Aeroflotgirl · 09/08/2017 13:33

Well if his biological grandchildren call your mum by her first name, he is to be referred to by his fist name, unless your children want to call him something else.

YogaDrone · 09/08/2017 14:40

I think this refers back to the older generation when children weren't supposed to call adults by their given names. As a child my parent's close friends were "Aunty X" and "Uncle Y" even though they were not related to us. My grandparents next door neighbours were known to all of us as Mr & Mrs A, despite being close to my grandparents and having been their neighbours for over 40 years! But it just wasn't "the done thing" for children to call adults by their first names.

Now my son calls my friends "X" and "Y" quite comfortably. He calls his aunt and uncle by their given names without adding Aunt or Uncle. My mum doesn't like this but my sister, BIL and DP's sister and BIL are quite happy with it.

I suppose what I'm saying is that you could point out to your mum that honorary titles are no longer required to mark out family bonds. You could also point out that your husband's family use given names and this is the option you prefer.

I realise this makes me sound really old but I'm in my early 40's and many of my younger friends have a similar experience

Heartofglass12345 · 09/08/2017 16:36

I would refer to him by his first name all the time, eg lets go and see nannie (or whichever name your mum is going by) and steve (insert correct name here lol) and do that when you're with him too (eg. say bye to steve)
I have never considered my stepdad as a father figure, he is just bob, and my mum and him have been married for 22 years. If we were close i would be happy for him to be my kids grandad but we're not, and it would be weird for them to call him anything other than his name.
You sound in the same situation as me so just stick to your guns and let your mum call him what she wants but just call him by his name yourself lol
My mum tried referring to my stepdad as 'bampi bob' when my niece and nephew were little, it never stuck lol

Farmerswife4life1984 · 09/08/2017 16:41

It's really not that big of a deal ! If you get on with him and he is not some sort of monster then I don't see at all what the problem is . You are just causing un necessary trouble / drama by refusing him to be allowed to be called grandad . I'm assuming you will at some point excpect him to do grandad duties like baby sit and take baby places and play with baby etc etc ? You can't have it both ways and expect him to act as grandad but refuse him the name title of grandad ! I honestly think your making a mountain out of a molehill

Ropsleybunny · 09/08/2017 16:42

I think that unless a step-parent isn't nice, a child cannot have too many grandparents. It's totally irrelevant who is related to who by blood.

I loved my late uncle, should I have called him by his first name as he wasn't related to me by blood?

I think it's beyond petty to point out to a young child that so and so isn't your real granddad etc.

DeannaTroika · 09/08/2017 16:47

It's totally irrelevant who is related to who by blood

To you maybe. To other people it's important.

I think it's beyond petty to point out to a young child that so and so isn't your real granddad etc

It's not petty at all to tell young children the truth. If X isn't their grandad, why would you lie to them and say they were?

BeyondThePage · 09/08/2017 16:53

I think someone earlier got it right - if you expect him (and he does too) to act like a grandad for your kids - babysitting, birthday gifts, being a caring soul for the kid to go to, then yes absolutely Grandad/Grandpa/Gramps/whatever should be used,

if you do not expect him to act "grandparenty" round the child, then he gets called by name.

My kids have 3 Grandmothers and 4 grandfathers - all called slightly differently due to multiple marriage breakdowns. We are glad we did go down the gran route since an EX grandmother treats our kids more nicely than my or DH's parents.

squishysquirmy · 09/08/2017 17:00

My mum tried this too. Constantly referring to "Grandpa Fred" (not real name) when talking to dd in a very pointed manner. Irony is that step dad couldn't care less what he is called - he's never nasty to dd or anything, but he seems to view small children as, at best, inconvenient, messy things women insist on. That's when they're related to him, let alone when they're not. DD just calls him "Fred" though, and dm seems to have dropped it (for now).

Conversely, my dad and step mum have never assumed or tried to force names and relationships that don't exist. My step mum goes out of her way to make a huge fuss over dd, and she always makes us feel welcome whenever we visit. DD calls her by her first name, but I wouldn't mind her being called something else because she actually cares about my dd!
Your mum can try to force a name, but you don't have to go along with it. And even if you did, the relationships your dd has with family members (blood or otherwise) are far more important than the names she calls them.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 09/08/2017 17:01

It's really not that big of a deal !

To you.

You are just causing un necessary trouble / drama by refusing him to be allowed to be called grandad

............oh dear.

I'm assuming you will at some point excpect him to do grandad duties like baby sit and take baby places and play with baby etc etc

There are no such thing as 'grandad duties'. It's not a job like being a fireman, it means birth parent of the child's parent. Babysitting and playing with baby are things that extended family may do if they're the nice kind of extended family, as he's extended family by connection while he's attached to the OP's parent. If I babysit and play with my niece's kids and take them places does that entitle me to demand they call me mummy?

tinymeteor · 09/08/2017 17:03

Same situation here - it's really awkward, isn't it?

I've gone along with calling him Grandpa [name] because it matters hugely to my mum (far more than to my stepdad, who couldn't give a flying toss). I'll admit it still sticks in my throat every time. But while I don't feel he's earned the title, teaching my daughter to verbally demote him by pointedly using only his name, seemed like passing my issues on to her.

In practice it doesn't much matter what they're called by the child. Their relationships are what counts, and that's about the effort they put in.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 09/08/2017 17:05

Of course you explain to children why some names are appropriate and not others. If you have a look on the step parents board, many step mothers have talked about gently explaining to their step children at some point that 'mummy' wasn't the right name for them.

My kids know their grandad and (name), who is a friend and the person grandad currently lives with. Three years ago we had another (name). At some point (name) will disappear and another (name) will turn up. That's reality, these people are grandad's partners, and not their family, why lie to them?

Ropsleybunny · 09/08/2017 17:07

It's totally irrelevant who is related to who by blood

To you maybe. To other people it's important.
Fair enough but people don't have to be related by blood to be totally loved family members.

I think it's beyond petty to point out to a young child that so and so isn't your real granddad etc

It's not petty at all to tell young children the truth. If X isn't their grandad, why would you lie to them and say they were?

Ok, I'm not suggesting we don't tell our children the truth, sorry if I wasn't clear on that. What I am saying, is that someone can love your child who isn't related by blood, just as easily as a blood relative. Moreover, someone who is related by blood can be shit awful.

As someone else pointed out, are we expecting the non grandparent to baby sit etc?

A friend of mine is known as granny to her husband's six grandchildren. It's her who changes nappies, wipes noses and generally loves the children. I think it's perfectly right for them to call her granny.

Ropsleybunny · 09/08/2017 17:09

In practice it doesn't much matter what they're called by the child. Their relationships are what counts, and that's about the effort they put in.

I agree, and I certainly don't think it matters to a child. As you say it's the relationship that counts not the blood tie.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 09/08/2017 17:12

Exactly. The relationship matters to the child, that's based on the effort the adult puts in and the experience the child has, the name doesn't matter to the child. So why is it a problem for it to be (name)?

To the child's parent, who may be an adult child with a lot of feelings about their parent's current partner, the name may matter a lot.

frieda909 · 09/08/2017 17:16

Italiangreyhound thank you! It's nice to hear that someone gets it. Although a lot of the other posts here have also made me realise that it's really their relationship with my (hypothetical) kids that will be important and I think the naming issue will kind of just work itself out in the end.

I think you are right that it's coming far more from my mum than from her husband. My parents had a very messy divorce after my mum had an affair with a close family friend (not her current partner). Those 5-10 years after the divorce were extremely tense and her relationship with all of us kids wasn't the best. I think that has a lot to do with it. She's constantly seeking approval and reassurance that things are all fine now.

So I guess to her, us agreeing to call them Granny and Gramps (or whatever) would be a way of demonstrating that we're all one big happy family now. But perhaps those asking 'why is it such a big deal?' can also see why it might not be so simple in a situation like mine.

Ropsleybunny · 09/08/2017 17:16

You can't make a blanket judgement but I do think if a step-grandparent is a perfectly decent person and makes an effort with the child, they should be called whatever they choose for themselves.

Perhaps a step granddad should be called something like Grumps, would that suit?

DeannaTroika · 09/08/2017 17:18

What I am saying, is that someone can love your child who isn't related by blood, just as easily as a blood relative. Moreover, someone who is related by blood can be shit awful

All true. But they don't need the name to do so, do they? If you only love the kid because they call you Grandad and don't if they call you Bob, thats not good for the kid at all.

If its a loving relationship, great, they can do it without the name. If its not, fine, they can do that without the name.

HerRoyalNotness · 09/08/2017 17:19

This issue was one of the final nails in the coffin of my relationship with my mother.

I think it's all very well if you and DH choose to use grandad or equivalent for her DH, but not if it's something she is insisting on.

My mother turned up from abroad with her H (2nd time we'd met) with gifts and cards from grandad. I looked very puzzled and in my head was thinking, so nice of dad and her to get the gift together, of course not realising she meant her H. She has a bad habit of riding roughshod over other people's feelings and wants everything her own way. As she found out to her detriment, it was not the best approach.

squishysquirmy · 09/08/2017 17:21

Can't speak for the op, but "Grumps" would suit my step dad perfectly Ropsly I might suggest that to dm.

Ropsleybunny · 09/08/2017 17:40

All true. But they don't need the name to do so, do they? If you only love the kid because they call you Grandad and don't if they call you Bob, thats not good for the kid at all.

I don't actually think that would ever happen.

If its a loving relationship, great, they can do it without the name. If its not, fine, they can do that without the name.

If it's a loving relationship, there's nothing wrong with the person having someone sort of grandparenty name.

Disn3yN3rd · 09/08/2017 17:59

We had this issue when our eldest was born. DH's mum remarried a few years before and instantly was called Grandad by all the other children in the family.

DH and I were not happy to have our eldest call him this as neither of us get on with him particularly well and it's like nails on a chalkboard to us.

It didn't go down well when we wouldn't let him refer to himself as her grandad but that was our decision. Neither of our children call him Grandad and never will.

NotMyPenguin · 09/08/2017 18:03

It's your mum's partner, so I can see why she thinks he should get a 'grandparent' nickname. To be honest it seems a bit unwelcoming not to do it. If this happened to you, wouldn't you be a bit upset? I also just can't see the harm in including her partner in the family in terms of naming.

milliemolliemou · 09/08/2017 18:32

Call everyone by their first names

DeannaTroika · 09/08/2017 18:55

If it's a loving relationship, there's nothing wrong with the person having someone sort of grandparenty name

In a loving relationship, there is nothing wrong with them using their own name.
It works both ways.

If you want to call people grandparents who are actually not, you can do so. But don't tell others they have to, or that there is something wrong with them not doing so.

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