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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? We dont want Mum's husband being called grampy/grandad

172 replies

appleblanket · 08/08/2017 20:15

Ok so my Mum remarried a couple of years ago and since my DH and I announced our pregnancy, my Mum has already started referring to her husband being called Grampy when the baby arrives which to us, is like nails on a chalkboard! DH and I have never been close to him, just the usual small talk as we don't really get on that well with him (previous issues with treatment of Mum which I don't want to bring up here). I know most people wouldn't have an issue with this however we still (thankfully) have our parents alive and kicking so to us, they will be called their grandparents. My brother already has kids of his own with his partner and they didn't mind as much as to what Mum's husband is referred to so am I supposed to follow suit on this or can I say that we would rather they're referred to by their forename? We really don't want to upset anyone but it really bothers us and I don't want Mum or others to get used to the idea of him being called Grampy! Has anyone else had this issue?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2017 22:35

ohtheroses that's your children, they are all different, tgey might might say, can I call you pops, Grampy, as some children do, despite having it explained to them. Your looking at it through adult eyes.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2017 22:38

Because hannah, their relationship with her is probably different, to yours, especially if they got together when yiu were a teen/adult.

hannah1992 · 08/08/2017 22:53

No dh was a child when his dad remarried she's not his mum she's his dads wife so he would never call her mum. To be clear we all get along very well and I don't think any of them expected to be called anything other than their names

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2017 22:58

Obviously not, that's between him and his step mum. That is why I think it's up to the child to decide themselves, what they call their Mums or dads husband/wife.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2017 22:59

My stepmother who came into my life after my first two were born and when my nieces and nephews were in their teens was Granny to my kids (and to her own DGC) and Name to my nieces and nephews.
She was much more of a granny figure to my kids in fairness. (My mum had died btw).

And I do think it's up to the grandparent what they are called (as long as it isn't a 'family' pet name). Some may well object to being called Fred by a two year-old.

DoJo · 08/08/2017 23:05

Why would any child grow up thinking their parent's step parent is actually their own grandparent?

Because they are the only grandparent they've got! My stepdad has been in my life since I was tiny, and my dad hasn't been since before my kids were born. As far as my kids are concerned my stepdad is their grandad (although helpfully they have given him a nickname of his own anyway).

They know that I call him by his name, and I think the older one sort of understands that he's not my real dad (oldest is 5) but because he hears stories from when I was tiny that all involve my stepdad I think he forgets, or at least doesn't fully understand that he isn't my actual dad as there is nothing apart from the name I call him to indicate that he isn't.

OhTheRoses · 08/08/2017 23:30

Absolutely It's up to the grandparent what they are called NannyOgg. The step parent is not by virtue of being a step parent a grandparent.

I don't think I'm necessarily seeing this through adult eyes. Children know what adults tell them which isn't necessarily the truth. My children had four grandparents. Two of whom were divorced and married to people who weren't my parents. My children always understood this absolutely.

My step parents were not my children's grandparents and they knew that. Therefore they have never ever called or wanted to call my step parents grandma and Grandad. Just as I never wanted to call them mummy and daddy. The though of calling them daddy Gerald or mummy Mary is ludicrous.

I think I just don't understand why anyone would address another by a title that is incorrect.

I don't call DH Lord Husband of Blankshire for the simple fact that he's called his first name, last name. Anything else is just making it up.

littleshoutymouse · 08/08/2017 23:46

We have the same issue. DM is pushing 'grandpa' with her DP and I can't really explain why but it makes me cringe. She met and married her DP when I was an adult so I don't see him in a fatherly light at all.

I have had 2 very awkward conversations with my DM about it. Both times she ignored me despite me meeting her in the middle and compromising to another grandparent term that didn't have such emotional ties for me or DH and that she said she liked too. She seems to have ignored our agreement and gone back to using grandpa. So, we are now in a silly stand off whereby she calls him 'grandpa' and me and DH call him his first name in front of the DC - if she can't respect my feelings and stick to the compromise then I won't either. Don't think her DP is too bothered either way.

It makes me really cross, particularly as her own parents were divorced and we never called her dad's partner anything other than her first name (which I believe was my DM's choice). Argh.

FadedRed · 08/08/2017 23:51

What about Faux Pa(r), that seems fitting in the circumstances

Knittinglikemad · 09/08/2017 00:07

I am both a step grandma & a grandma though in our family step doesn't come into it. My granddaughter who has 2 biological grandmothers that don't bother with her, she is my world & I love having her here to stay at least one weekend a month, her older brother we half brought up for the first couple of years as he was here more than home as SD was living at her mums, so her mum commandeers every weekend with him so we don't get to see as much of him now & her partners mum isn't interested in looking after the kids at all as she enjoys her social life too much, we as we cancel plans if we are needed. On the other hand my daughter had my grandson this year he has 2 grandmas & both his grandpa's are step grandpa's as one biological one is not wanted in their lives parents choice & my ex he just can't be bothered found it acceptable to decide the week before his grandson's christening that he wouldn't bother coming as he has something else on. But as my daughter says both his "grandpas " are the best because they love him unconditionally & he loves them & we as for the other 2 they can just jog on as they aren't welcome in his life.

So after all that what I am saying is, it totally depends on the relationship you have with your mum's husband & then what time & relationship he will have with your baby how you refer to him.

HiJenny35 · 09/08/2017 00:31

I can see where you are coming from, I have two friends who insist on calling themselves 'auntie X' to my daughters. I hate it. I'm very close with my sister and I feel it undermines our family relationship which I feel is very different to a friend one. However, I knew it would cause an argument to stop it and let it go, it still 5 years on, makes me cringe however my daughters do realise the different relationships and it hasn't actually mattered at all.

HistoriaTrixie · 09/08/2017 00:47

My kids have:

Grandma
Mom-mom and Viejo (family tradition, the current Viejo's father was Viejo to my DH and his sibs)
Savta and Saba

HistoriaTrixie · 09/08/2017 00:48

Oh, and also Pappaw Albert and Nana Jeanne.

lipstickmaven · 09/08/2017 04:31

I have this EXACT issue with mil. Even down to the name! We have a dd who talks and despite mil initially agreeing with us we've had Grampy Grampy in front of her other grandads who do loads for us and the kids. For my fil it's a difficult subject abd relationship and whilst he'd never d
Say anything he looks visibly sounded when it occurs.

We just parrot back to dd mil's partners name but we've decided to let it lie... even if it irritates the hell out of us. The partner doesn't do anything "worthy" of the grandad title (no treats, doesn't take her out or buy her presents, barely speaks to her and certainly doesn't play with her). She'll work it out herself.

lipstickmaven · 09/08/2017 04:36

And just to reiterate other posters my dad's partner is "Nana X" but my mum is dead (would have been grandma anyway) but she treats her, gives her pocket money and her own grandkids are miles away.

And my only living grandparent who has incidentally been amazing and always been there for me is actually my dad's step mum.

So I truly think it's down to to the relationship.

Buthewasstillhungry · 09/08/2017 04:41

My dad does this with his new girlfriend, refers to her as Nana when talking to my DD. Particularly insensitive because my DM died last year whilst I was pregnant.
It's annoying.
I just refer to her as her forename in cards and when talking to her hopefully they get the bloody point soon!

Italiangreyhound · 09/08/2017 05:20

appleblanket when the kids are small what they call their grandparents is up to you, and likewise any step relations. Ideally you'd ask grandparents what they want to be called, but with step grandparents you can decide and just to your mum, our new ds will refer to your husband by new.

wink1970 not sure where you get off telling the OP "If he turns out to be good with the child, and they love each other, then you are a twat of the highest order for projecting your views onto this."

OP isn't projecting views, she doesn't want her child to call the man who married her mum by a name normally reserved for grandparents. She has every right to make this clear to her mum.

Italiangreyhound · 09/08/2017 05:29

han "...i think YABU to deny your child the chance to have another grandparent." Surely a person can be special and significant in a child's life and not have some sort of title! Do you think if he missed out on the name granddad he will not be able to be nice to the child or bond with them?

BabychamSocialist "I feel sorry for the bloke. Maybe he just wants to be a nice adult in your kid's life?" I would be quite surprised if the bloke was that bothered. I think it is more about the OP's mum wanting her husband to be established in the family. And we have no idea whether he will be a good 'granddad' or not. And it will be the OP's choice how much contact the grandparents/step grandparent have with the child so the OP's views do count.

BradleyPooper · 09/08/2017 05:30

My dad's partner is "auntie [first name]" which is as close as we need to get in that department....

mathanxiety · 09/08/2017 05:42

A friend's step father is known to her children as Pop.

Friend's father is 'granpa' to the children.

FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg · 09/08/2017 06:21

In the same boat as you op, my mum remarried a total twunt I am 24 weeks pregnant!
When my nephew was born last year my dsis didn't want him called Grampy so came up with using the first two letters of his name so like Bb... easy for a little one to say, and could stand for Bloody Bastard WinkGrin

PsychoPumpkin · 09/08/2017 08:39

The bottom line is, at this point, it's entirely your choice, but once your child is old enough to talk & develop a relationship with this man, there might not be much you can do to discourage a grandparent type name being given to him.

He might surprise you by being a very loving grandparent disputes your reservations about him.

My most involved grandparent growing up was actually my step dad's mum, she totally spoilt us & to his day, she's still my nana, it didn't take away from my relationship with my other two nans & never seemed odd to me that I had 3 grandmas!

My children's most involved grandparent is my FIL's wife, my kids call her granny. She loves them as if they were her own grandchildren & that's all that matters to me.

Crunchymum · 09/08/2017 08:46

Start off with calling him by his name and see if a nickname develops organically.

Tell your mum what you want him to be called and make sure she mananges her DH expectations.

Obviously baby won't be talking for a while so the ball is firmly in your court. IE when you talk to baby you can say "isn't it nice to see and granny and John"

SoupDragon · 09/08/2017 08:59

I think I just don't understand why anyone would address another by a title that is incorrect.

"Grammy" is not a title it is a nickname.

sweetbitter · 09/08/2017 09:14

I think I just don't understand why anyone would address another by a title that is incorrect

There are loads of reasons. As many as there are types of family and types of non-traditional family relationships. I'd love to see you come and tell DSS to stop calling his mum's partner grandad because actually grandad is a man he has never met, and even though his de facto grandad loves him and treats him exactly the same as all his other grandkids, it is technically incorrect for him to call him that. Why on earth shouldn't he call him grandad if that's the role he has in his life?

Slightly removed from OP there, but I had to take issue with this blanket statement.