AIBU? We dont want Mum's husband being called grampy/grandad

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Ok so my Mum remarried a couple of years ago and since my DH and I announced our pregnancy, my Mum has already started referring to her husband being called Grampy when the baby arrives which to us, is like nails on a chalkboard! DH and I have never been close to him, just the usual small talk as we don't really get on that well with him (previous issues with treatment of Mum which I don't want to bring up here). I know most people wouldn't have an issue with this however we still (thankfully) have our parents alive and kicking so to us, they will be called their grandparents. My brother already has kids of his own with his partner and they didn't mind as much as to what Mum's husband is referred to so am I supposed to follow suit on this or can I say that we would rather they're referred to by their forename? We really don't want to upset anyone but it really bothers us and I don't want Mum or others to get used to the idea of him being called Grampy! Has anyone else had this issue?

Just talk about it with them. Sort it out now so there is no confusion. I'm very very close to my husbands daughters and their little ones. but they wanted me to be called by my name as their late mother was already a grandparent before she died and was called by the name my own children's children call me.
I'm fine with it, I do the grandparenting role with them and they don't bat an eyelid that I am called "story" , I'm just one of the 4 older members of the family.
You mums husband is a grown up, he will cope.

My GC refer to their other Nan's Partner as Uncle-name.

I'd have a word with your MUm that you want to wait and see.

My closest relationship was with my 'Granddad', the Partner of my Grandmother. He was referred to by his Name to me from my Mum and Dad and sometimes my Nan, but it didn't matter to me. When he died, my Mum sent back all the photos etc to his family. I never forgave her or my Nan, tbh.

He had his faults, but never showed them to me (I heard about them from my Dad during him arguing with my Mum)/ They had nothing to do with his and mine relationship.

If the other cousins call him grampy your baby will likely follow their lead when older.
It might not be worth the battle when child will do what he/she is comfortable with when talking anyway.

But if you really want to prove a point then do it, especially if you don't like him as bad to your mum. Possible it is your mum who will be hurt most though.

You can think about this all you want but in the end as a PP said your child will decide.

I got on best with my step gran above all of my 'real' family for large parts of my childhood- as an adult I can see she is a tricky woman and I understand my mum's viewpoint, but as a child this was all over my head and she was the most fun to be with!

In the same way I thing my Bil can be a bit of an arse and wouldn't be too sad if my sister left him - but he is the favorite uncle of my DC!

Bairns usually choose their own word to call someone. It's a none problem to get in a stew about.

I think it depends what your child wants to call them I had a step grandad who I adored he was my mum's step dad he married my grandma a few months before I was born they had both been widowed though so they were just grandma and grandad to all of their grandchildren his and hers , my children don't see there paternal grandad but their paternal step grandad was grandad jim (not real name ) as he was far more of a grandad too them despite losing their paternal grandmother before they were born.

Your child will not know at first who is who's biological parent, they will just know who is in their life (hopefully in a positive way!) I'm sure they will love their biological grandad very much indeed, but there is no harm in having more people to love them! As long as biological grandad gets first dibs on name then i think YABU to deny your child the chance to have another grandparent. My children have 3 'grandmother's due to splits and although they see their biological relations more often they still love their additional grandparent and at 5 and 2 do not question their relationship yet x

You already know what he's like with children as your brother has children. If he's a good, interactive grown up with them, let seriously consider letting them call him some form of Grandad. There's no such thing as too many grown ups loving your children. OTOH, if he's not good with your brother's children, you can just calmly tell your mum you're not comfortable with it.

There will be fall out, though. Brace yourselves.

We have 5 sets of grandparents (divorces and bereavements). For the grandparents that are step-grandparents we've gone with "Grand-name". E.g. GrandAnna or GrandPeter

We find this gives them the authority of a grandparent without being a Grandma/Nanny/Grandad etc.

Do you dislike him? Or are you worried about your dad finding out and sulking?

My Mum's partner goes by "Pops" because my dad passed away and he will always be Grandad even though he never met DS. My Mum's partner is lovely and loves being Pops - we bought him a T-shirt with it on and he wears it with pride

However he has a grandson of his own who is being brought up to call him Grandad (understandably) so I do wonder if this will influence DS in the future.

My brother & I called our Grandparents Nana X and Grandpa Y for a few years until we cottoned on to the fact that our cousins called them Gran and Grandad so we switched to that.

So whilst YANBU to feel as though you do not want your mum's partner to be called Grampy, if your child hears their cousins doing so, it's very likely that they will want to too.

It's really up to the kids and you will see that our DS calls my Mil's hubby grandpa (insert name here). And his actual grandpa Granda (insert name here). You may not get on with him but your little one may form a bond you have no control over, my brother did and my DM was not keen on her DSF but my brother loved him dearly and helped care for him during a time of bad illness, he called him by his first name. Keep your mind open for the sake of your DC2B

My DS dad and me have split and both have long term partners, my DS calls both our partners parents grandma/grandad name and biological grandparents just by the title nanny/grandma whichever they use.

But both lots of step GPs treat him as if he was their own and are active in his life. If they weren't then they would just be called their name

We have "granddad first name" for my step father, works a treat,.

The problem with refusing to allow a Grandad type name is that because your child's cousins already call him Grampy you would be alienating your child and making them different from their cousins.

My DC call their grandad by a different name to their cousin (just naturally developped) and it has never caused any problems.

Sometimes you can't plan a name - DC call their (other) grandad 'Pupple' simply because he eats loads of apples but DS1 couldn't say 'apple' properly when he was little. DS is now 17 and he's still Pupple to all 6 DC

This man could be a 'grandparent' to your DC for years, though. You don't have to call him dad, or even consider him a stepdad (I don't think step parents are really a thing when the 'children' are adults) but I don't see the problem with a third grandad. DH's parents are divorced and have new partners, one is a Grandad, the other is first name, but that was led by the PILS themselves. I think all the cousins do the same, it would be odd to be different.

Given that lots of people call their parents' friends Aunty Sue and Uncle Bob, when they're not relations, I don't see the problem, tbh. It's not downplaying your dad, but this man is your mum's DH.

Its up to you, but when baby is born and gets older than he/she might develop their own name for your mum husband, your child's wishes come first.

You're going to have to get used to this no longer being about what you want.This is about the relationship between your child and its step grandparent and the chances are they won't see the distinction. Let the child choose and be a bit calmer about this. My DD has two step grandparent and we're very glad they have chosen to stick around and commit themselves. We're lucky and so are you.

I agree with you OP. I would say your child can call him by his first name

My grandchildren call the man my ex-wife married Grandpa even though they married long after they were born, whereas I am Grand-dad. Technically, he has no "right" to be called that, I wasn't consulted - least of all, typically, by my ex-wife - but then I didn't expect to be. But it has never occurred to me to give two straws either way. My advice, FWIW, is not to make an issue out of something so trivial. The important thing is that your child has loving grandparents, no matter what their legal status.

I feel sorry for the bloke. Maybe he just wants to be a nice adult in your kid's life? Our boys have three sets of grandparents, and that's what they are.

Growing up, my aunty remarried and her husband became Uncle to us. We still called her ex-husband uncle too. What's up with it?

Thanks for all your replies! My Dad had also remarried and so has my DH's parents but the kids on both sides of the families just refer to their partners by their forenames - maybe that's why I'm having an issue with it along with the fact that DH and I don't get on with him all that well? He is good with my brother's kids so maybe I should just give him a chance though I do like the idea of coming up with a nickname instead. The name 'Dickhead' might not sound so great coming from a toddler though...

Around before they were born - Grandad/ granny style name; around from after they were born - Uncle or Auntie Firstname is how it works in my family. But the kids choose, they actually like to call their childless great great aunt granny firstname because she feels like a granny to them, I imagine a much younger stepnana might end up with Auntie.

I echo what bearhug said. My Mum's husband hasn't ever parented me. We get on fine but I was very reluctant that he was Grandad or anything. Not to be mean but it felt strange (he's only a few years older than DH). But a few years down the line he is by far and away one of DD's favourite people, let alone grandparent so I'm actually more than happy for her to call him that. My Dad's wife she has just made up a nickname herself for as she couldn't pronounce her name very easily. Sometimes the kids just decide for themselves I think.

Provided it's a different "grandfather" name to the one your father chooses, what does it matter?