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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? We dont want Mum's husband being called grampy/grandad

172 replies

appleblanket · 08/08/2017 20:15

Ok so my Mum remarried a couple of years ago and since my DH and I announced our pregnancy, my Mum has already started referring to her husband being called Grampy when the baby arrives which to us, is like nails on a chalkboard! DH and I have never been close to him, just the usual small talk as we don't really get on that well with him (previous issues with treatment of Mum which I don't want to bring up here). I know most people wouldn't have an issue with this however we still (thankfully) have our parents alive and kicking so to us, they will be called their grandparents. My brother already has kids of his own with his partner and they didn't mind as much as to what Mum's husband is referred to so am I supposed to follow suit on this or can I say that we would rather they're referred to by their forename? We really don't want to upset anyone but it really bothers us and I don't want Mum or others to get used to the idea of him being called Grampy! Has anyone else had this issue?

OP posts:

sweetbitter · 08/08/2017 21:24

What hanr84 said.

OhTheRoses · 08/08/2017 21:30

My parents were divorced. My father died in 2000 when they were tinies. My father was their Grandfather/Grandad/Ops. As Indeed was DH's. My stepfather and stepmother were Gerald and Mary. They were not, are not and never will be blood relatives of mine or the children. They therefore are not addressed as such. They are nice people who have made my mother and made my father happy.

I don"t really understand why this would ever be an issue. My mother to be fair did try it on and was very nicely told it wouldn't be appropriate and my grandad who was still alive backed me up.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/08/2017 21:31

yanbu

Just tell her and make it clear. Your child your choice.

ChocolateWombat · 08/08/2017 21:45

If this man is going to be around long term, which is likely as he has married your Mum, then he will be with the children when your Mum is. He will have a grand parental relationship with the children, regardless of how you feel about him or the fact he isn't your father and doesn't feel like your father.

The key thing is about the relationship he will have with the children, not his biological relationship. Small children won't be able to distinguish between that old man is my biological grandfather and that other one who lives with my Granny isn't. For the children, they will all be people in a grandparental role. I expect you can see that OP. As others have said, often children develop their own names too - we had fat Granny and thin granny. My parents were a bit mortified, but it helped us as s,all children to distinguish between them. You may well find you don't actually get much say. And it's true that there is no limit on the number of people who can be called grandparental names.....think of all the Aunties who exist who aren't related in any way to the kids who call them Auntie.

So OP, I would try to see this as a new phase in family life. Your baby won't have been around when your parents were together or before this new man was on the scene. Assuming he is going to be around for the long term, he will be part of the family and I can't see any point in deliberately trying to separate him out from it by names. This is your issue but you shouldn't be making it one for the children. Of course your biological father can be Grandad or whatever too. Yes you can add Grandpa Fred or whatever you like to distinguish, but why not use this as a chance to move forward in unity and to make having a new baby something that draws you together than as something to divide you all. Yes, as the end of the day, you probably can have final say. Is this what the issue is - you getting to choose? How about being gracious and going with the flow a little bit and just seeing that the more people who love this child, the better for them....there really cannot be too many.

newtlover · 08/08/2017 21:58

not necessarily true that the spouse of a grandparent will have a grandparent type role. DP's mum was widowed and remarried before we had DCs, her husband was never in a parental relationship with DP, and showed little interest in him (or me come to that, but that hardly matters)- when we had DCs he showed little interest in them, really until they were adult and not much then. He has always been called by his first name, and from our perspective, this distance has suited us fine. I do feel sorry for DP's mum though as I think it has hampered her relationship with the DCs. But then, that has been her choice.

OhTheRoses · 08/08/2017 21:58

chocolatewombat On this I disagree with you. "Mummy, why is it Grandma and Gerald and Grandad and Mary? But daddy's are grandma and Grandad.

Because darling, Gerald is not my father, Grandad is. Gerald is not therefore your grandad. That's why I call him Gerald, not daddy.

Why would any child grow up thinking their parent's step parent is actually their own grandparent? It has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship but it has everything to do with the honesty of the relationship. Surely without honesty there can be no quality

Quite shocked at the easy disingenuousness of this thread.

eurochick · 08/08/2017 22:00

We do the Auntie X thing for my FIL's partner. It's affectionate without supplanting a real grandparent!

talonofthehawk · 08/08/2017 22:00

@ontheroses
I completely agree with you

BringOnTheScience · 08/08/2017 22:01

FWIW, my DCs had ...
Nana & Grandad
Gran & NamePa
Grandpa & GrannyName

Gran & Grandpa are my parents both remarried. It works for us.

ParadiseCity · 08/08/2017 22:04

We have a rubbish step person in our family. The what to call her debate did not go well. Eldest is 12 and DC just call her Hello and Erm because they don't want to use the name she prefers and I vetoed. We only see her at Christmas really so it's fine...

OP how about a compromise? GrandadTwatKnackers or GrampyDickWanker.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2017 22:04

ohtheroses if after all that, the child still wants to call them Grampy David or Pops fir example. Pick your battles. What if this man becomes a part of your child's life and develops a close relationship. It's about more than biology. My brother got remarried, and my nieces mum died. Niece had a baby, and my brothers wife is Grandma. She is very involved in the child's life, and she treats him like she would a grandchild.

Fruitcorner123 · 08/08/2017 22:07

I think that its reasonable that the name for the real grandparents
is different to the name for step grandparents unless you are particularly close to step parents and they were surrogate parents to you, which is not the case here. Kids can cope with this, My kids are 6 and 4 and understand that Grandma A and Grandad B used to be married but are now divorced and live separately but Grandma C and Grandad D are still married so live together. Does';t mean they can;t still have relationships with step grandparents but they understand the difference!

Once you have decided what you would like him to be called just politely let your mum know. You can use the fact that your step mum is known by her first name as the reason. You could even say your dad would be hurt ( which may be true). If your mum is offended she will get over it.

Ropsleybunny · 08/08/2017 22:09

I think it's up to him what he wants to be called. There are loads of different choices, grandad, grandfather, gramps, grumps, grandpop, so a grandchild can differentiate. He might be a fab grandad, give him a chance. Children can't be loved by too many people.

FurryScoob · 08/08/2017 22:09

Both our parents are remarried/long term partners, we were adults by the time they got together/ married so have never seen the new partners as step parents.
We set rules before DD was born that it would be Grandma & Fred or Grandad & Sue. It's made it a lot easier to explain how everyone is related to DD now she's started asking.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2017 22:11

Exactly, it's up to the child, be honest with them, if they want to then call him Grampy or pops it's up to them. It's not exactly Granddad or Grandpa.

PattyPenguin · 08/08/2017 22:13

The families I know who are in this situation all go for GrandName (e.g. GrandSam), Grandad + name (e.g. Grandad Jack) or just the first name.

FWIW, my one uncle and aunt didn't want to be called Uncle + name or Aunt + name (they said it made them feel old), so we children always called them by their first names alone, just as our parents did..

So I've known from early childhood that calling relatives by a title isn't compulsory.

butterfly198615 · 08/08/2017 22:15

At the end of the day it is up to you what you want to do . If you don't want him to be called grandad or whatever else then just them and don't leave it too late.
My husband has a big family and my husband has had many different step parents although they have stayed together with the partners for years no brake ups etc his dads partners didn't want my children to call them nana/grandma, which hurt a little as I didn't want it to confuse my children on why if they are married etc are they not classed as their nana/grandma.But I've have just got on with it and no harm done.
My husband and I however put a stop to my MIL calling all her boyfriends my children's grandad , they only last a few month and then they split up and it just confuses my DC as they think their going to be around and one day she kicks them out and they never see my children again, it's like them people who have god knows how many uncles that aren't even related to them. She wasn't happy when we said that our children are not going to be calling anymore of her boyfriends grandads.

milliemolliemou · 08/08/2017 22:16

Magic solution that no one will like except my bizarre family. Call everyone by their first names! Absolute genius .

It's what we did from way back. Called DPs by their first name, DC call us by ours as undoubtedly their children will.

Ta-da! It's not the names but how the adults treat the children that is worth debating.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 08/08/2017 22:18

No helpful advice, but I could have written your post op so just wanted to sympathise. My mum's husband is a twat tbh and I have to grind my teeth every time my my calls him granddad but I allow.it because it hurts my mum's feelings otherwise and I just decided to pick my battles...

Nan0second · 08/08/2017 22:19

DH parents divorced and his mum remarried. Complex politics mean that DH will not call him a step dad or even acknowledge that technically the relationship is even a step dad. We are all polite in company and get on ok if not close.
However, DD still calls him Grandpa, which is the name MIL chose.
She has 3 grandfather type figures and that's fine. She is closer to her biological grandparents, mainly because we are but I have no regrets in letting this minor issue go. It has helped build relationships at what can be a really challenging time.

vikingprincess81 · 08/08/2017 22:20

My 2 penneth - Cousins don't necessarily need to use the same name - my dc use Granny for my mum and dh's mum, and their cousins use granny and grandma to distinguish between them. It's fine and has never caused any issues. (Grandads are deceased or nc)
My dc's call my df's wife by her first name (or they would if we weren't nc!!) so I guess just go with what works. Aforementioned nieces just call me I'd love my name to actually be Viking!! but dh 'uncle

Mamabear4180 · 08/08/2017 22:21

I have a similar situation. My mum married someone when I was in my late 20's who I really don't care for tbh. My kids call my dad 'grandad' my mum 'nanny' and her husband 'grandad name' it makes me cringe every time though as my mum and her DH lives a few hindered miles away and my kids see more of nanny than her DH so when we do see him I find it strange when my mum says 'grandad' about this unknown old guy (to them). I just cba with the fuss it would cause if I rebelled against it

OhTheRoses · 08/08/2017 22:21

aedoflotgirl My children are 22/19 now. They have never wanted to call my stepfather grampy. Why would they? They have always understood his name is Gerald, because he isn't my father.

AliTheMinx · 08/08/2017 22:27

We had this exact issue, OP. My DH's parents are divorced. I have never met his dad, but he's still alive. He just chooses to stay out of his children's lives. DH's mum remarried someone a lot younger than her, meaning that her new husband is only 10 years older than my DH. They married when my DH was 23, so her new husband has never been a father-figure to my DH. He is always just 'Steve'. When our DS was born they sent a card signed 'Nanny and Bampy' (Bampy is a ghastly Welsh word for Grandpa!) and I went mad. I was so offended that they had taken it upon themselves to decide on this silly name. We have nothing against Steve, but he's simply Steve - who happens to be married to my MIL. He is NOT a grandparent to our DS. MIL can be rather sensitive so I write a very well thought out and polite text stating our wish that Steve simply be known as Steve, explaining that as he's not 'Dad' to my DH we didn't see why he should take on a Grandad title, especially as DH's real dad is still alive. It just didn't sit comfortably with us. Anyway, she didn't reply and I thought nothing more of it and assumed all was fine until 2 weeks later she called my DH in hysterics (including an asthma attack during which she almost stopped breathing - awks!) saying she was devastated and that I was evil and had ruined her life, etc, and it turned into a complete drama. I was livid. My DH had to go back to Wales, leaving me with a very young DS and PTSD from childbirth, for 2 DAYS to 'smooth things over'! 2 DAYS!!! Absolutely ridiculous. I was furious, as he totally caved to keep the peace and said they could call themselves what they liked (but not 'Bampy', as it's awful!), which made me mad. I think I ripped up the Christmas card and Christening card which they signed 'Grandad' in protest! I always addressed cards to them from our DS as 'Steve' (in capitals and underlined!!). Since our DS started to talk he randomly started calling Steve 'Big Daddy', which I don't object to as it is a made up silly word, so that is what he is now known as and everyone seems a lot calmer! I am still cross with MIL though for being so thoughtless and then such a ridiculous Drama Queen! Grandparents are so precious but I feel it should always be up to the parents whether their parents' new partners should take on an official 'grandparent' role. Out of courtesy it should never be assumed. Good luck, OP. From experience I know what a prickly issue it is!!

hannah1992 · 08/08/2017 22:31

Both mine a dhs parents are serprayed/divorced. Dhs dads wife is called by her name and my mums partner is called by her name mils partner is called by his name and my dads partner is called by her name. My kids have grandparents and don't get into all this step grandparent thing. I don't call my dads partner mum why would my kids call her nana/grandma or whatever

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