AIBU? We dont want Mum's husband being called grampy/grandad

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Ok so my Mum remarried a couple of years ago and since my DH and I announced our pregnancy, my Mum has already started referring to her husband being called Grampy when the baby arrives which to us, is like nails on a chalkboard! DH and I have never been close to him, just the usual small talk as we don't really get on that well with him (previous issues with treatment of Mum which I don't want to bring up here). I know most people wouldn't have an issue with this however we still (thankfully) have our parents alive and kicking so to us, they will be called their grandparents. My brother already has kids of his own with his partner and they didn't mind as much as to what Mum's husband is referred to so am I supposed to follow suit on this or can I say that we would rather they're referred to by their forename? We really don't want to upset anyone but it really bothers us and I don't want Mum or others to get used to the idea of him being called Grampy! Has anyone else had this issue?

I don't think grandparents have to be blood relatives. Aunts and uncles can be married in to the family so I see no reason why step parents can't be grandparents especially as he will have a grandparent role. Different if a new partner wanted to be called grandad when the child is an adult or teenager.
It always seems mean and churlish to me to refuse to call step parents grandparents.
If he is really an awful person who you want in your life as little as possible then I understand, but it does seem like you're punishing your mum as well for having the audacity to remarry rather than keep playing happy families with your father.

Put them straight right now. I had to.
Tell them that you're happy with granny and , anything else is weird.

Mind you, the weirdo my mum married actually tried to get us to call him Papa when they got married.. I was almost 40. It made me shudder at the time.

No, my dad's not dead as far as I've heard

I don't think it needs to be strictly biological, but if you didn't raise the parent, you're not a grandparent.

This is spooky. This could actually have been written by me, except that I'm not actually pregnant yet. Are you me from the future?!

My mum remarried a few years ago. I was in my late 20s when they met so although I sometimes refer to him as my 'stepdad' for convenience, he's had absolutely no hand in raising me at all. I like him well enough and he seems to make mum happy but we're really not close.

Anyway, several times now my mum has brought up the subject of how she can't wait for grandchildren and how she and Jim (not his real name of course) have been discussing what they want be called. She tells me he has 'decided' that he wants to be called Gramps.

Now, I realise that it's ridiculous to be discussing this when there isn't even a grandchild on the way yet! But anyway, I once said that I always imagined he'd be Uncle Jim, and she got upset and said that would be very unfair and he'd be really hurt not to be referred to as a proper grandparent.

What I find odd is that my mum's father remarried when she was 19 and we have always, always referred to him and his wife as Grandad and Auntie Maureen. When I pointed that out, my mum insisted that it was different

I think I eventually ended the conversation by saying 'well, names sometimes evolve over time don't they? And you can't always control what kids decide to call you!' and she seemed to agree with me on that.

I haven't lost any sleep over it but I'm not looking forward to reviving that conversation if and when I ever get pregnant!

Honestly I don't see the problem at all . Let him be called grandpa or Grampy( it's cute ) . I lost my dad age 54 2 years ago to brain cancer and I wish my children still had him around . They called him dada (couldn't pronounce grandad so came out dada) please just let this one slide as it will only cause un necessary problems . I'd be gutted if I was a step dad and was told I couldn't be grandad ! How will your mum feel if you say he is not going to be called grandpa ?

My mum died when I was young so my children just referred to my dads wife by her name. I felt it was too hurtful to my mums memory who would have loved to be a grandma .

My mum is a step mother to my half siblings!

Half my nieces and nephews call my mum granny and half call her by her first name. The oldest ones who are now mums themselves who were made to use her first name have often complained that she was a grandmother figure to them and should have been called granny. It's interesting to watch them tell my siblings how wrong they feel it was.

However my brother who refused to call her granny is grandad to his step daughter's children and cannot see why everyone calls him a hypocrite. His own wife insists on calling my mum granny!

I think if they are going to have a role in your child's life some sort of nickname is nice for them.

I understand why you feel like that but he will be one of your children's grandparents - that's the relationship they will have with him. He will come to see them with their grandma or granny and he will be therefore, to them, grandpa or gramps or Grandpa Joe or something. I call my stepfather, my mother's partner, by his first name - he has never been my father. But he has always been my children's grandpa. They love him and he loves them. They don't care about blood relationships. They care about their real, lived relationship.

You can of course tell your children to call him whatever you want but it sounds potentially hurtful to your mother and to him, as well as confusing to the children. You are favouring a principle or an idea over a reality.

Well put Ontopofthesunset.

You are quite right, that for children, the reality of the relationship itself is so much more important and in real time, than the background history and biological relationship.

OP can place emphasis on the past and the biological relationship an insist that as the parent, it is her right to do so. Some people seem very keen to assert rights over such things. However, doing so will probably make future relationships even more tricky rather than building family unity...however, perhaps that is what she really wants to do. It's something worth her thinking about - this is a chance for her to create unity or division, and she should be aware that her choices will do just that. A new baby is a great time to put the past behind you and to move forward positively.

Call him Grampy John or whatever his name is.

Then they are placated. IME as they get older they will increasingly default to the name they feel more suitable.

This is such a minefield. My grandad's wife was not my mum's step parent as they married when I was 3. I called her by her name and wrote cards as "Grandad and B name". When I was in my late teens my grandad started signing cards with "grandad and gran" but we all ignored it. I think this suggests he wasn't happy about her being called by her name but after 20 years, why would I change?

2rebecca thanks for your response but this really has nothing to do with my own father and wanting to play happy families as you say. My parents divorced years ago - for the best in my opinion as they get along so much better separately. It's more so that DH and I have no relationship with this man, have never called him SD, he has his own grandchildren who call my Mum by her forename (even the toddlers) and he would be the only step parent being given a title as such - the other step parents are all called by their forenames by the kids in the family. I just dont see why this should be any different? I've just grown up believing that grandparent is the name given to your own parent's parents if that makes sense.

I'm currently 7 months pregnant. Both sets of grandparents have other halves. Therefore this child (the first for most of them) will have 8 grandparents. I take the view that just because they didn't raise me or my partner they are the spouse of our parents and will play the grandparent role from birth with my son. After all even if I don't like them my son may love them and they wìll love him.

It's a mix of agendas. The blood grandparent may want to get to do the whole we're grandparents thing with their new partner, its an experience they want to have with their partner, not with the ex that produced their adult child. Their adult child may in some cases be thinking no, this is not someone I see as a relative or close to me, I'm not ok with them assuming a right to this very personal ground, this person just happens to be my mum/dad's partner.

There are losses when your parents separate. Kids don't get a choice about them (barbed wire down the church or eloping for marriages, one side not coming to funerals, all that potential fun stuff if it's not an amicable marriage), those losses and issues go on for decades, and letting go that your child may not choose to play happy families with your new chosen partner and want to restrict some experiences to their birth parents is something that divorced parents need to be prepared to accept.

Plus, as an adult child of a very messy divorce that's seen various 'step parents' (no, current partner of parent) come and go, it's very difficult to have a 'nanny' or a 'daddy' who you called that permanent family name and added to the 'people who will always be there and love me' list, who disappears when the relationship breaks down and has to be forgotten about. That's when you get into the 'yes but he wasn't your real grandad' conversations, and it gets even harder if another one turns up a few months later and wouldn't it be lovely to pretend he's call him grandpa too?

We had a "Grampy". Miserable curmudgeon was mispronounced as "Grumpy" by the one of the younger kids and it stuck!

At the end of the day it's the relationships that matter. My step grandad was known to us by his name - but he was my grandad and would have been no matter what we called him. My "real" grandad (who was called "grandpa" wasn't a patch on him.

"Grammy" is not a title it is a nickname

It's a nickname for a title, and a family descriptor. It means your mothers mother or your fathers mother. It does not mean your mothers fathers wife or your fathers fathers wife.

OP, its entirely up to you. It doesn't matter if people here use the terms and are happy with it, it doesn't even matter if your brothers family do. You do not have to do anything.

Personally I agree with you. Calling my fathers wife Granny would (to me) be forcing a relationship on me that does not exist. She is not my mother or anything close to it, she is not my childrens grandmother, so why would I call her that?

Do what you like.

frieda909 "...several times now my mum has brought up the subject of how she can't wait for grandchildren and how she and Jim (not his real name of course) have been discussing what they want be called. She tells me he has 'decided' that he wants to be called Gramps."

I wonder if the name and talking about it is really coming from your mum's husband or from her. Especially as she "...she can't wait for grandchildren"

It does really piss me off when the assumption is made about grandchildren and how adults will relate to them without any reference to the parents own child/ren (e.g. you).

So "... I once said that I always imagined he'd be Uncle Jim, and she got upset and said that would be very unfair and he'd be really hurt not to be referred to as a proper grandparent."

I am about the last person who wants to hurt others (honestly) but it just annoys me, you having a baby is not about making your mum's husband as a grandparent. Maybe he would be upset or maybe he wouldn't. But surely you get a say in it?

To be honest I probably would not care what my mum's new husband would be called (if she had remarried after dad's death) but as some posters clearly do care and do feel uncomfortable it is surprising that their own parents don't seem to care about this! That they would rather care about how their partner feels about the grandchild, than how their child feels about relationships relating to their own child.

I hope that makes sense!

2rebecca "It always seems mean and churlish to me to refuse to call step parents grandparents." Why churlish? Is it mean spirited not to want to elevate a parent's partner to status of 'grandparent'? My guess is it is either because the new parent/soon to be parent feels they owe some 'title' to that parent who may be dead or divorced etc and still in their life) or because they don't actually get on with the 'step parent', or because the 'step parent' never was a parent to them.

I don't think it is really about biology. I think if step parents have a good relationship and were involved in raising a child when that child has children they are quite likely to want their step parent to be grandparent. So I am not sure it is really about biology.

"... it does seem like you're punishing your mum as well for having the audacity to remarry rather than keep playing happy families with your father." This is an interesting point, it may be a case but in this case I don't see any evidence the OP resents her mum not staying with her dad, or she resents her mum remarrying, she just doesn't much like the man her mum married and she may have good reason for this.

I think "Grandad " is a decent compromise.

I married my DH when my DSD was 8, I've never been 'mum' always 'ClothEaredBint' but she does call my mother "Nanny " and also calls her stepdads parents by the same honorific.

I think "Grandad " is a decent compromise

Not if OP doesn't want to compromise.

Granny
Granny Clare
Grandad
Grandad Tom
Nanny
Grampy

Etc
Allowing someone to have a grandparent name won't hurt you
It won't do anything to their relationship with the child either. If the child sees them infrequently and you don't like them, calling them grandad or whatever won't change that.

Get them to call him 'Grumpy' :)

I had an Uncle Stan when I was growing up - he was my grandmother's husband, and my Dad's step-dad. I still thought of him as a sort of grandparent, though.

he has his own grandchildren who call my Mum by her forename (even the toddlers)

To me, that kills his wish to be called Grampy stone dead. He can go whistle.

Allowing someone to have a grandparent name won't hurt you

Except it might.

Can people seriously not understand why it might be something not to be considered by somebody?

I'll give an example. My mother died a long time ago, my children never knew her. They did know my father's (now also deceased) wife. To have given the name meant for my mother to the sorry excuse for a woman my father cheated on my mother with, the woman who caused no end of problems for many years, would have been both an insult to my mothers memory and very hurtful for me.
So why should I have compromised, or allow her to be called Granny cuntface X?