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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would reply to this?

176 replies

beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 17:40

I have a friend to whom I'm quite close.
She's a SAHM with two girls and her husband is a joiner who works all the hours under the sun to allow her to stay at home with the kids. She readily admits this and is grateful to him for working so much.

The issue is that her house is an absolute tip. She always says that she can't stay in the house because she thinks her DDs would be bored or resent being in the house Confused

Her husband has pleaded with her to do a little around the house because he's left to do washings and tidy the house after longs shifts at work. She has asked my opinion on it a couple of times. Specifically if her house was a mess and if her husband is being unreasonable to expect her to do some basic housekeeping while he's at work.

I really didn't know what to say. Obviously I mind my own business but I was actually asked straight out. I wanted to say yes your house is a disaster and yes you should do some tidying and stay in for a day or so a week to do this as your DH is knackered!

What would you say? I've kind of changed the subject but no doubt it will come up again!

OP posts:
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 08/08/2017 17:47

Three options

Tell her what you actually think
Tell her what she wants to hear
Ask her what she thinks and explore the issue without directly answering her question.

Notevilstepmother · 08/08/2017 17:49

I think if it is a good friend I'd tell her, but also help her a little, she is probably overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start, and goes out to avoid the issue.

Can she banish the kids to the garden or one room while you and her do some tidying and cleaning together? Sometimes these things are easier with another person to chat to. She should also be teaching the kids to take responsibility for putting their stuff away. If they are small they might enjoy a bit of cleaning.

I suspect she knows she is being unreasonable, so maybe that's how you could approach it with her if she mentions it again, sort of why are you asking me, you know how hard he works and how lovely he is, wouldn't it be a nice surprise for him when he gets home, type of conversation.

Notevilstepmother · 08/08/2017 17:51

That is really clear, love it, I suppose I'm suggesting option 3 with a bit of steering towards option 1 and some practical help on the side.

The80sweregreat · 08/08/2017 17:52

Tough one.
Trouble is, nbody likes the truth. If you told her she should be tidier she will probably resent it. He needs to tell her.
Its not fair on him really.

MyheartbelongstoG · 08/08/2017 17:52

I'd tell her straight.

She should be doing her bit!

PinkHeart5911 · 08/08/2017 17:54

With my friends I generally keep my nose out but when they ask me for an opinion I don't lie, I tell them straight as they've asked

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 17:54

My own house is by no means a palace but you need to do at least some tidying. She's out everyday and I think he's starting to get annoyed when she says "oh I spent another £30 on lunch today with the kids" this could be a few times a week and the house looks like a bomb has hit it.

I feel so awkward about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 17:54

The guy literally works his arse off. I feel a bit sorry for him

OP posts:
LittleWitch · 08/08/2017 17:54

How old are the DDs?

Whitecurrants · 08/08/2017 17:57

She’s a good friend and she’s asked you. Tell her the truth, but gently

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2017 18:07

I would tell her the truth. A messy house causes so much stress and anxiety, and some people aren't even aware of this. Her husband is probably going mad. I think it's ridiculous and very selfish that she isn't doing the lion's share of the housework. There's just no excuse. Her husband is working his ass off only to come home to a filthy disaster. No wonder she leaves the house all day - she can't stand being their either! Unless she wants her marriage to suffer because of this, and it will, she needs to get a grip and start taking care of her home.

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 18:09

Her DDs are 4 and 1

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2017 18:10

Id stay out unless you know she's open to criticism. This is a fundamental issue in their marriage.

rollonthesummer · 08/08/2017 18:10

How old are the children?
What did she actually ask you?

Yes, I'd be tempted to tell her.

milliemolliemou · 08/08/2017 18:11

I'd go for option 3 first of all and just "what do you think?" How old are the kids? eg is this all year round or just school holidays?

If pushed I would say, yes, I think it's untidy and must be so depressing to live in/come back to - or - I know how lovely it is to come back to a tidy house.

Can you offer help?

Clearly it needn't be pristine but if her chap is working all hours and she's just out with two kids (even if presumably providing meals and shopping for all) then she doesn't seem to be pulling her weight.

And kids don't mind a bit of down time not forever going everywhere.

The80sweregreat · 08/08/2017 18:16

You could leave some numbers of cleaners lying around, or say ' my friend uses such and such cleaning company'. If they did a one off clean , it might inspire her to keep it clean afterwards, not so daunting then.
I know they are not cheap, but it might be a short term option for them.

ChevalierTialys · 08/08/2017 18:18

Honestly, I don't know how they've stayed together this long with her attitude. He does all the working AND all the housework when he's done Shock ... if my DP tried to pull this crap we wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes after DS was born.

She really needs to value him and pull her weight! If I were you I'd tell her straight, since she's asked. She obviously knows she's being a lazy shit but probably wants you to pacify her and tell her she's allowed to treat her husband like a doormat.

RebornSlippy · 08/08/2017 18:22

Tell her your opinion. She asked for it. While we're at it, I'll give you mine. She needs to sort her shit and her house out. Stay at fucking home for a week, cook lunch for your kids instead of blowing £30, tidy your house and grow up. Does she really need to be told this?

If I was the earner in this household I'd be raging. Really.

thegirlupnorth · 08/08/2017 18:23

I'd say something along the lines of well you know it's not as tidy as mine but if it doesn't bother you that's fine, if it's bothering your DH then maybe it's worth trying to keep on top of the washing and getting eldest DC to tidy up toys etc at end of day. Set yourself a routine of half an hour in the morning and again in the afternoon to do certain jobs and treat yourself to lunch out.

Something like that anyway!

EsmeeMerlin · 08/08/2017 18:28

Her partner must be getting really frustrated with her. Someone needs to tell her she is being a lazy mare and needs to sort it out. She will soon find it difficult when her unappreciated partner leaves her.

MadMags · 08/08/2017 18:31

I would tell her.

And if I knew him, I'd be encouraging him to leave.

Leeds2 · 08/08/2017 18:32

Would you be able to look after the children for a couple of hours, telling her specifically that you were doing it so that she could clean the bathroom/put a laundry load on/do the washing up?

Foslady · 08/08/2017 18:32

Ask her if she wants the truth or if she wants what she wants to hear, at least that way she knows what will be coming......and then say it gently but with suggestions on what can be done - she'll want solutions, not problems.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2017 18:33

Someone needs to tell her she is being a lazy mare and needs to sort it out.

Exactly. So disrespectful to her husband and a horrible example for her children.

RedDogsBeg · 08/08/2017 18:36

There is a chance if your friend doesn't address this issue that it will cause an irreconcilable rift in her marriage.

You are her close friend, are you close enough to be completely honest and open with one another without it damaging the friendship?

When it comes up again you could say something along the lines of:

"I am reluctant to answer that question because I am wary of how you will react if you don't like/don't want to hear my answer."

OR

"Do you want me to/are you prepared for me to give an honest answer that you may not like?"