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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would reply to this?

176 replies

beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 17:40

I have a friend to whom I'm quite close.
She's a SAHM with two girls and her husband is a joiner who works all the hours under the sun to allow her to stay at home with the kids. She readily admits this and is grateful to him for working so much.

The issue is that her house is an absolute tip. She always says that she can't stay in the house because she thinks her DDs would be bored or resent being in the house Confused

Her husband has pleaded with her to do a little around the house because he's left to do washings and tidy the house after longs shifts at work. She has asked my opinion on it a couple of times. Specifically if her house was a mess and if her husband is being unreasonable to expect her to do some basic housekeeping while he's at work.

I really didn't know what to say. Obviously I mind my own business but I was actually asked straight out. I wanted to say yes your house is a disaster and yes you should do some tidying and stay in for a day or so a week to do this as your DH is knackered!

What would you say? I've kind of changed the subject but no doubt it will come up again!

OP posts:
chips4teaplease · 14/08/2017 09:09

I'd never speak to you again after a text like that. Keep your nose out.

Are you sure you're not the husband, trying to get a load of women on MN to tell her she should tidy up?

thehousethatjillbuilt · 14/08/2017 09:14

My house is a tip.

I wouldn't accept someone coming to help me tidy up. I'd be horribly offended (or embarrassed. Mainly embarrassed.) My MIL offered to come over earlier in the year and clean through but I just don't think I could handle it. I'd take it all too personally.

crashandburnt · 14/08/2017 09:19

It's neglectful to bring kids up in a house like that. I'm going to get slated for that opinion, but it's true. It really is.

Kids need stability and a nice environment and lots of love. Not fancy lunches and endless trips to the zoo.

I have noticed with my brood that if they mess up the playroom they move onto another tidy room. That speaks volumes to me.

If you don't teach your kids to tidy and clean hey grow up without those life skills.

My house is still messy (4kids) but I can get it straight reasonably quickly and I would never leave my friends standing g on he doorstep because of the chaos behind!!

She must know though? Surely! So I'm not sure what you can add to the situation. Her poor husband. It makes me cross when my husband doesn't put his stuff in the dishwasher!!

crashandburnt · 14/08/2017 09:20

Also it's not about being a sahp. That doesn't make you solely responsible for all housework. Fuck that for 1950's drudgery. But you do need to pull your weight.

teaandtoast · 14/08/2017 09:21

She could be lazy or just overwhelmed. I found the preschool years hard.

What I do find odd is the lack of parenting done by the husband. She has the kids 24/7. When does she get a break from the kids? Any mental stimulation? Any fun?

And is the husband really at work all the time? Not down the pub or doing a hobby?. Sounds like he's dodging child rearing.
If he truly has to work all week and every weekend without fail, perhaps he needs to put his prices up!

crashandburnt · 14/08/2017 09:22

Sorry I'm getting over invested. How is it such a tip if she is out all day?

Buy her the Kon Marie book. It's ridiculously addictive!!!

crazyhorses3 · 14/08/2017 09:28

She sounds totally lazy. I know someone like this, her husband is expected to come home and do the supermarket shopping when she has been home all day . Her house is filthy and she doesn't work. I think she needs to be told the truth gently, but really, why can't she see it herself?

RebootYourEngine · 14/08/2017 09:57

It doesnt take much to fling a bit of washing in, do some food shopping, pour some bleach down the toilet.

Also clean as you go. I found teaching children to tidy up one toy before taking out another helped.

I dont think her dh expects a show home but she should be doing something around the house.

mikado1 · 14/08/2017 17:54

Really interesting thread. I am the OP's friend - not really but am similarly lazy but keep my head above water on it. Cleaning up after dinner here ;) Will post later and give my unmotivated, overwhelmed opinion.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/08/2017 19:49

The truth is that housework is tedious, repetitive shitwork that very few people actually enjoy. The modern expectation that houses are constantly cleaned and 'tidy' - and that not doing this is a profound moral failing - is a bit of a con.
One reason for it being pushed so hard as 'necessary and important' is because it is, quite frankly, a way to waste women's time. If they are constantly scrubbing and dusting and fretting about whether next door's carpets are cleaner, they haven't got the headspace to rise up against the patriarchy, have they?
Also, there's the capitalist impetus - make people buy all these cleaning products, and 'organising' products, and stupid books that state the bleeding obvious over and over again and call it innovation...

Our house isn't tidy. We don't care.

misshelena · 24/08/2017 17:00

I don't see a dilemma here. You have to tell her, but gently. Honestly, I think her marriage is on the line. And her kids' health too is in jeopardy living in a "house that looks like a bomb has hit it"!

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2017 19:20

You do realize she just doesn't care about the messy house.
A day out having fun or housework...
The zoo or the washing...

The kids won't care about the house, what they will remember is how much funny mummy was.

STRONGandSTABLE · 31/08/2017 21:01

She sounds entitled

enceladus · 08/09/2017 11:02

I'd stay out of it beedybeedybumbum, what does it matter to you, you are not her husband's advocate, she's happy, her kids are being looked after... this is not a problem. Your initial description of the problem sounds fairly resentful tbh.

HebeJeeby · 08/09/2017 12:20

I think the OP is getting a hard time - she was asked for her opinion and gave a helpful answer offering practical help. I agree that she needs to leave it now though.

I disagree that a messy/dirty house is not a problem. The OP's friend is not teaching her children a valuable life skill here which is that they need to be able to tidy up and. Lean after themselves. It can be done age appropriately also, why not have a family day with the kids mucking in and making it a bit of a game? Life is not one long party jobs need to be done too. I hate cleaning and get no joy scrubbing my toilets but it's that or potentially become ill. Also, I recall a child on tv programme with Kim and Aggie (can't remember the name) saying that she hated living in a dirty/messy house because she felt too embarrassed to have her friends over to play, so she was missing out on an aspect of her childhood. She was overjoyed at the end when the house was clean as tidy.

TammySwansonTwo · 08/09/2017 15:06

How old are the kids? I have 11 month old twins who are apparently bottomless and allergic to napping. I get very little done around the house - run the dishwasher and washing machine every day, generally tidy up and wipe down the kitchen. Their dinner is generally out of a pouch or very quick to make, ours is something easy that goes in the oven. I literally don't have time to shower most days and I'm on my 5th UTI in 11 months as I'm constantly holding in a pee. Having said that, I also have chronic fatigue and pain, and I do clean at the weekend when my husband is around to share baby duties.

On the flip side, I don't get out nearly enough with them and I think it is super important. If her husband is always working then maybe she's struggling to find time and maybe there are other factors. I can't get any proper housework done unless my husband is here to take care of the twins.

Anecdoche · 08/09/2017 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TammySwansonTwo · 08/09/2017 15:14

Totally agree. My husband works full time but still pulls his weight with the housework and the kids - why should he work 40-50 hours a week while I work 24/7? Looking after children is a very demanding full time job on its own, and it seems like she's committed to giving them a lot of stimulation which is so important - being a cleaner is not part of being a caregiver, women have just been lumped with both for so long it's accepted as one.

TammySwansonTwo · 08/09/2017 15:16

So she's looking after two young children alone all day every day? She's probably completely depleted, exhausted and drained.

TammySwansonTwo · 08/09/2017 15:25

Completely agree with those saying that her taking care of the kids is what allows him to work so many hours a week. If he's working say 70 hours a week, so is she - looking after her children. No wonder she goes out all the time - she's drowning in stuff, living in a hovel and never gets any respite. As someone who has no family or friends nearby to help out, it's exhausting and overwhelming.

PolkaDotty7 · 08/09/2017 15:32

I find your posts quite gleeful OP. Poor husband working so hard and comes home to mess -- how ridiculous. She is caring for the children, not a cleaner, and it sounds like she is giving the children a lot of stimulation and keeping them entertained. For that, he can do a bit of housework when he gets home. Agree with ReanimatedSGB that most housework is a waste of time. No need to bleach the loo every day like some people do!

TammySwansonTwo · 08/09/2017 15:36

Okay, one more point and then I'll shut up.

Is she actually lazy or think / been told she's lazy? I used to say I was lazy, my house was a dump, I never cleaned. I'd go to work and afterwards be so exhausted that I couldn't move. My weekends were spent in bed unable to lift my head. My mum told me I was lazy, as did others. I wasn't lazy, I have ME. I didn't understand why I had such little energy compared to everyone else.

Most likely this is not the case here as she's managing to take the kids out every day but honestly that sounds totally exhausting too

lazyarse123 · 08/09/2017 18:04

You've done your best to help but I think in the end her husband will have had enough and will leave. I rea!ly don't understand why people always say it's hard at home with children (medical issues not withstanding) I had 3 under 3year olds and while not a doddle my home was basically clean and tidy, kids warm, fed, loved and happy. She's needs to sort herself out. My husband also helped out when he was home as he sometime worked away.

BurberryBlue · 11/09/2017 23:25

If you value her friendship stay well out of it.For whatever reason (one should never assume she's lazy) she has fallen behind with the cleaning,she needs to sort it out with dh.As a friend simply change the subject and do not get involved.I firmly believe one should not get involved with domestic matters.

islanderin · 25/09/2017 16:31

Perhaps she needs the children taken out. Put on some great music & do a blitz. Maybe she was indirectly asking you for help. Cleaning up in such a shambles is hard.