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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would reply to this?

176 replies

beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 17:40

I have a friend to whom I'm quite close.
She's a SAHM with two girls and her husband is a joiner who works all the hours under the sun to allow her to stay at home with the kids. She readily admits this and is grateful to him for working so much.

The issue is that her house is an absolute tip. She always says that she can't stay in the house because she thinks her DDs would be bored or resent being in the house Confused

Her husband has pleaded with her to do a little around the house because he's left to do washings and tidy the house after longs shifts at work. She has asked my opinion on it a couple of times. Specifically if her house was a mess and if her husband is being unreasonable to expect her to do some basic housekeeping while he's at work.

I really didn't know what to say. Obviously I mind my own business but I was actually asked straight out. I wanted to say yes your house is a disaster and yes you should do some tidying and stay in for a day or so a week to do this as your DH is knackered!

What would you say? I've kind of changed the subject but no doubt it will come up again!

OP posts:
DeannaTroika · 09/08/2017 12:06

She has the dc all the time whilst her dh works long hours. It's hard to clean with dc that age under your feet, and by the time he's home she may not feel able to do it

It's really not THAT difficult, not to do the bare minimum at least. The one year old most likely naps, the 4 year old can amuse themselves. And if she has the energy to take them out every single day then she has the energy to clean a bit in the evening!

LonginesPrime · 09/08/2017 12:09

Home is meant to be a sanctuary.
Something clearly not right there then.

^ This.

I agree, she sounds overwhelmed and may be depressed, but whatever the issue, I'd put money on the fact she has some psychological issue preventing her from dealing with it.

IME, though, it's difficult to help someone else with this, because even if you help her tidy up, it's not coming from her motivation to do something about it, and it will probably get messy again as she's unlikely to maintain it for someone else's benefit. Kind of like losing weight for someone else.

I agree with PP that you're not going to do yourself any favours by telling her the truth, but perhaps you could focus on the fact that it doesn't seem the she's very happy with her home given that she doesn't want to spend much time there.

Mammylamb · 09/08/2017 12:10

Perhaps getting a cleaner to help in the first instance and then she can keep on top of it! I work 4 days a week and find it easier to keep the house clean and tidy when I'm at work than when we are on holiday and at home!

araiwa · 09/08/2017 12:24

Pnd? Depression? Psychological problems? Never heard these excuses given for when a man doesnt do any housework

She says herself, she is bone idle lazy. She needs to pull her finger out

HashiAsLarry · 09/08/2017 12:29

beedy I am completely jealous of those people who have DC who sit still for 5 fricking seconds and don't instantly destroy what you've just tidied.

Fwiw our house got into the state it was because dh was doing what they seem to be. Constantly buying and never getting rid of stuff. If I bagged it up, he'd sneak it back in. The only way I managed to get on top of it was to boot him out for a few weeks and pelt at it whilst the DC were at nursery or looked after elsewhere. I would not have accepted help to clean it, I was too ashamed.

Yes Deanna that was the point I made staright after, but nice cherry pick.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/08/2017 13:36

So you've offered, and she's said no. Now you need to butt out.

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 13:53

reanimated

Butt out? I was asked for my opinion

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 09/08/2017 16:39

You recently posted that you just offered to help her clean, and she said no, it's under control. This is the point at which you butt out.

HashiAsLarry · 09/08/2017 16:48

It doesn't sound like she really asked you in the first place for an honest opinion, more that she wanted you to validate hers.

In which case it depends on whether you're able to do that or not. Or even want to.

If you don't want to validate it, but don't want to tell her dead on then you're going to need to go along the lines of:
You and dh seem to have different standards, you need to talk to him.

HashiAsLarry · 09/08/2017 16:48

Sorry, the second paragraph was missing the 'if she asks again, how you respond depends on...'

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 19:07

I love mumsnet. You're encouraged to help a friend and then rude posters come along and tell you to butt out. Only on mumsnet.

I think if she directly asks me the next time I'll be honest and say she really needs to do a bit more. I'll always give her a hand

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 09/08/2017 20:18

I think you're being a kind and supportive friend and am taken aback by some of the critical responses you've had OP.
Your friend sounds down right lazy. I'll probably get flamed for this but imo it's not that hard to combine looking after DC and doing a bit of housework. In my experience being a SAHP is not as hard a job as going out to work. Not all jobs include lunch breaks (I regularly work through mine) and when I was a SAHM I found there was enough time to keep the house tidy, put on the wash and cook a dinner as well as taking the kids out and meeting friends. Your friend needs to pull her finger out!

CorbynsBumFlannel · 09/08/2017 20:48

If she's asked your opinion then by all means give it but as someone whos dh also worked silly hours to provide for his family he never complained about coming home to a mess. He always said he'd much rather I'd taken.the children for nice days out than been cleaning. My opinion would be that they should both be responsible for the chores. I was a sahm to look after my children not to be a maid.
If the dh isn't happy with how chores are divided that is for him to sort out with his wife.

user1495222250 · 13/08/2017 19:55

It must be on her mind if she keeps bringing it up with you. I think she knows she's in the wrong. I'd just emphasise how lucky she is to be able to stay at home, and tell her most people would think that it's only fair she does the lion's share of the housework. Maybe her marriage could be in danger if her husband begins to feel he's being taken advantage of.

ittakes2 · 13/08/2017 21:16

If you have the time you could offer to come over for a few hours and help her get started. She might be feeling over whelmed. My mother cleaned obsessively when I was a child, and she would not let me help her as in her mind I was not cleaning things to her satisfaction. I have a cleaner, but whenever she is here, I get stuck in and clean things that are not on her list. I find it more motivating to be cleaning when there is someone else helping me. My cleaner has been with me for years and is happy with this arrangement.

Witsender · 13/08/2017 21:59

I meant that you seemed to be getting a little too into agreeing with her husband and condemning her.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/08/2017 00:02

"shes responded to say no thanks, the kids have stuff coming up and it's under control.

It is not under control

I think this is the last I will mention the matter to her"

THAT is the post I was responding to when I told you to butt out. She has told you she doesn't want your help, so your input ends..

eatabagofdicks · 14/08/2017 00:18

She already said it was the last time she'd mention it to her

TheweewitchRoz · 14/08/2017 01:03

Why is everything always a mental health issue these days? She sounds lazy where housework is concerned & the answer will be getting a cleaner (& cutting back on other spending if necessary to facilitate that). I'd be honest with her as otherwise if I were a friend of her DH, I'd be advising him to leave the lazy cow!

Cherrytart6 · 14/08/2017 07:35

The real issue could be nothing to do with cleaning. She might have PND or copes with the kids much better outside or feels overwhelmed with the house/kids. It is really hard doing chores while at the same time looking after a 1 and a 4 year old. A very organised person with non-Velcro kids might find it easier. Does she get any child free time? Because constantly 24/7 being with children is very tiring. At least at work parents get child free time and often a lunch break. It's very reasonable to have a budget for stay at home parent activities. I would spend spend a few hours in the house and take the kids to one activity each day (park, walk and cafe, baby group, swimming, a friends house). sp some spending is normal.

She might be best decluttering first (after reading Marie London book). You might be better having the kids in the park while she declutters. A less cluttered house is much easier to keep on top of.

Cherrytart6 · 14/08/2017 07:40

Also there might not be a issue. She could be very comfortable with how they live. And the mess.

It might also be that OP is crazily obsessed with cleaning and has obsessively high standards. The lady might only be a bit messy.

Cherrytart6 · 14/08/2017 07:46

My parents cleaned and worked obsessively and never gave me their attention. So I lived in a spotless house with an OCD parent but there was no strong bond or connection to my parents. Better to have a parent who gives their time and attention to the kids whose house is a bit messy. Clearly there will be a line where mess becomes dangerous and unsanitary.

Trollspoopglitter · 14/08/2017 07:50

So OP's friend pisses money away on a regular basis - and stopping just a week's outings would probably but her a deep clean - but posters think the onus is on OP to clean her friend's house?

What the actual fuck? There are lots of lazy women out there - no pnd, no stress, no unhappiness - just lazy sods. Just like there are lots of lazy men out there. Those, of course, get roasted if they don't pull their weight. But if you have a vagina, oooo.... must be an underlying issue and what a shit friend you are if you dont drop your own family to help a lazy friend clean her filth. Confused

Cherrytart6 · 14/08/2017 07:51

Social services won't be interested in a messy house. They will be interested in a house where the children are neglected or there is a dangerous set up.

BikeRunSki · 14/08/2017 09:06

If the roles were reversed, the SAHP would be absolutely slated on this thread. Should make to difference that it's a SAHM not SAHD.

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