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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would reply to this?

176 replies

beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 17:40

I have a friend to whom I'm quite close.
She's a SAHM with two girls and her husband is a joiner who works all the hours under the sun to allow her to stay at home with the kids. She readily admits this and is grateful to him for working so much.

The issue is that her house is an absolute tip. She always says that she can't stay in the house because she thinks her DDs would be bored or resent being in the house Confused

Her husband has pleaded with her to do a little around the house because he's left to do washings and tidy the house after longs shifts at work. She has asked my opinion on it a couple of times. Specifically if her house was a mess and if her husband is being unreasonable to expect her to do some basic housekeeping while he's at work.

I really didn't know what to say. Obviously I mind my own business but I was actually asked straight out. I wanted to say yes your house is a disaster and yes you should do some tidying and stay in for a day or so a week to do this as your DH is knackered!

What would you say? I've kind of changed the subject but no doubt it will come up again!

OP posts:
TillyTheTiger · 09/08/2017 10:38

She sounds overwhelmed. If she's specifically asked your opinion then she's obviously aware/embarrassed about it and probably just doesn't know where to start, and goes out every day to avoid having to tackle it. If I was her friend I'd probably empathise with how difficult it is to get all the cleaning done with children underfoot, then suggest to her that they consider investing in a one-off 'deep clean' of the whole house from a cleaning company. Maybe you could share with her any handy tips you use to keep on top of things day-to-day, for example setting the washing machine on a timer so it finishes in the morning so clothes can be hung out while the kids are having breakfast, or getting the kids into a routine of tidying away their toys before bedtime etc?

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 10:39

triskal

It's all semantics. She readily admits if he didn't work so hard she'd need to go out and work - which she'd prefer not to do. If he slashed his hours she wouldn't be able to enjoy the lifestyle she currently has.

OP posts:
Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 10:41

tilly

I worry I'd sound patronising kind of in a "oh well in my house we do xyz to keep it tidy"

And I really don't have any hints other than put things away after you use them and clear out every so often!

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 09/08/2017 10:42

Current situation sounds like neither of them want to be home with him hiding at work and her going out all day, they spend little quality time together. Much more serious than an untidy house.

They need to sit down and discuss all the options for making things better. Maybe he feels pressured to work to sustain her not working, maybe being a SAHM isnt what she expected. Regardless, the current setup just doesn't work.

MyOtherProfile · 09/08/2017 10:44

I used to think I needed to take my kids out or they would be bored. Then I realised thst kids need time to be bored and find their own things to do. It's really really important. They could also eat at home and save the money then she could pay a cleaner once a week while she does take kids out if she really doesn't want to do it herself.

Witsender · 09/08/2017 10:45

You do sound a little like you agree with him without looking deeper, and are enjoying condemning her.

If she were my friend I would be trying to find out why she hates being at home, and why she feels so out of control of it. I would show her a little loyalty and assume the best instead of the worst, and try to get to the bottom of it.

Benedikte2 · 09/08/2017 10:51

I have come across this problem in my professional life. It is tantamount to a MH issue and generally not a laziness issue. I've seen women eventually ( after months/years of support and practical help) lose their tenancies, or walk away from their messy homes. Seen floors where you can't see the carpet for stuff never picked up etc etc. Sometimes linked to hoarding -- too much stuff to be able to easily tidy and clean.
Ask if she'd appreciate a hand in tidying so she can get a cleaner in and then help her organise a routine so she spends a few minutes tidying each day.
Not an easy problem once one becomes overwhelmed by the problem -- procrastination is fatal!
Maybe she needs permission to spend time pursuing some interest away from the home and her children? Sounds as if she's running away from full time child caring -- lot easier to entertain her DC when out than at home when the mess demands clearing.

Cleanermaidcook · 09/08/2017 11:01

If she were my close friend and asked my honest opinion she would get it. If you absolutely know it's just that she's lazy (by her own admission) and she has no mental health issues I would say if asked, "Yes imo part of being a sahm is keeping house to some extent so I think you need to do some cleaning, your dh works hard and is doing more than his fair share at home, if it were me I'd be unhappy"

blueskyinmarch · 09/08/2017 11:01

When she was working was she able to keep the house clean and tidy or did she have a cleaner to do it? Is it possible she just doesn't know what to do and is overwhelmed by it all and goes out to escape it? I think if i was her friend i would tell her honesty that you do think her house is messy and then try to explore with her why she has no pride in her home and the living conditions for her children are so poor? I am a SW and have seen many, many dirty, untidy houses and the reasons behind these can be many and varied (MH issues, drug/alcohol issues, never had a positive role model/clean house growing up, downright laziness).

Lweji · 09/08/2017 11:07

Could it be that she finds it overwhelming and won't know where to start?

I'd understand her position better if she'd rather work, for example, but if she chooses to be at home, then she should be and deal with it.

It sounds like she goes out more to avoid addressing the house issue or because even she doesn't like being there in the "tip", as you put it.

I do not know what to suggest, though.

Numbers option 3 is probably the best. Keep asking her questions, about how she feels about the house, what she thinks she can do, how she thinks you could help, and so on.

Perhaps getting a cleaner for a couple of days (or more) to sort it out with her would be a good idea. Maybe you could have her children for those days to help her out?

ReanimatedSGB · 09/08/2017 11:17

I wonder what's really going on in that marriage, too. It sounds a bit like there's some sort of battle going on between her and her H - maybe he likes playing the martyr? Maybe he actually won't let her get a job and has drilled it into her that she mustn't tell people this.

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 11:21

witsender at what point have I enjoyed condemning her? If I agree that the house is a mess is that condemnation?

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Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 11:23

reanimated

I obviously don't know what goes on behind closed doors but ostensibly she is the dominant one and it would surprise me greatly to find it's actually the other way about - and I've known them for years and years.

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ZippyCameBack · 09/08/2017 11:23

The problem is, if her house is very untidy then it is also likely to be dirty. All it takes is for someone coming into the house to make a report to the social work department and your friend will find herself having to deal with social workers, which is obviously going to be extremely stressful.
I think I'd speak to her and her husband and offer some (limited by time available)help to do a thorough clean and get everything in order. Perhaps her husband could take some time off work and she could agree to limit her spending for a while to make that possible. Together they could do all the necessary cleaning and get some sort of system in place for keeping it tidy. Once a house starts to get messy, it can very quickly get out of hand and it can feel really oppressive and hopeless.
I do really feel for her and I did get into a similar situation myself once (although I was working full time from home and also looking after 3 children at the same time). A really good, kind friend told me in the nicest possible way to pull my socks up and I did. It took about a week of frantic work from me, my friend and my husband but now I would never let it slide back into how it was before. I've sacrificed a few things to pay for a cleaner too (partly because I'm just not great at cleaning and partly because knowing the cleaner will see my mess makes me so much more likely to tidy up after myself!).
I know it's hard, but I honestly think that the best thing would be to tell your friend that she has got herself into a bit of a state and offer to help them both sort it out.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 09/08/2017 11:26

As her how she would feel if she were the husband.

Then tell her straight.

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 11:28

I've just sent her a text to see if she'd like me to come over and help her tidy. I've said i could take a day's leave and she couldn't put the kids to her mum and dad's house

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Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 11:30

Could not couldn't!! This bloody phone

OP posts:
NotMyPenguin · 09/08/2017 11:34
  1. "Would you feel happier if the house was tidier?"
  1. "How can I help?"
NotMyPenguin · 09/08/2017 11:35

Hey, just saw what you wrote above. That's really sweet of you :-)

NotMyPenguin · 09/08/2017 11:39

One of my friends has just offered to help me do a pre-baby tidy before my second child arrives. I am so embarrassed at the state of my bedroom, which has lots of boxes stored in it that I really need to go through in order to make space for a cot etc. Her offer meant SUCH a lot to me, even though I probably won't take it up, it really made such a difference to feel that somebody was offering to help.

ZippyCameBack · 09/08/2017 11:44

That's really kind of you, Beedy.

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 11:46

shes responded to say no thanks, the kids have stuff coming up and it's under control.

It is not under control

I think this is the last I will mention the matter to her

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LagunaBubbles · 09/08/2017 11:57

flyingelbows what a strange strange interpretation of the OPs posts you have.

viques · 09/08/2017 11:58

The one year old is still probably napping during the day, and the four year old is old enough to pick up her own toys and then sit and watch a DVD for half an hour on her own so really she has no excuse. One room a day well cleaned/tidied for a week and the house is done. Then it is maintenance.

morningconstitutional2017 · 09/08/2017 12:00

Your friend probably has a sneaking suspicion of the truth of the situation and this is why she's asked - but maybe she's hoping you'll give her a cosy answer.

Turn this on its head . Why not ask her how she'd feel if after a long day at work would she want to return to a house that's in a terrible state?