Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To ask how you would reply to this?

176 replies

beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 17:40

I have a friend to whom I'm quite close.
She's a SAHM with two girls and her husband is a joiner who works all the hours under the sun to allow her to stay at home with the kids. She readily admits this and is grateful to him for working so much.

The issue is that her house is an absolute tip. She always says that she can't stay in the house because she thinks her DDs would be bored or resent being in the house

Her husband has pleaded with her to do a little around the house because he's left to do washings and tidy the house after longs shifts at work. She has asked my opinion on it a couple of times. Specifically if her house was a mess and if her husband is being unreasonable to expect her to do some basic housekeeping while he's at work.

I really didn't know what to say. Obviously I mind my own business but I was actually asked straight out. I wanted to say yes your house is a disaster and yes you should do some tidying and stay in for a day or so a week to do this as your DH is knackered!

What would you say? I've kind of changed the subject but no doubt it will come up again!

OP posts:

Foslady · 08/08/2017 18:37

And the 4 year old CAN help - as you sort through rubbish she can pop it in the bin, or a cloth and she can dust, make it into a game.

And if your friend starts moaning that she's tired, ask her how tired her husband must be at the end of the day coming home to that.

And fwiw, I used to be concerned that my dd spent time at home but did things with her dad when at his place. She actually likes being at home, everyone needs down time from life.

MadMags · 08/08/2017 18:39

Yes, I think I would say something like "do you want me to answer honestly?" because then she'll know what's coming.

Why not sit her down and ask her if she needs help? Even in the form of babysitting, as PP suggested.

I feel really sorry for her husband.

KimmySchmidt1 · 08/08/2017 18:56

A couple of points for to think about:

there are three tasks here - job as a joiner; looking after kids; cleaning house. She has not really proved why she should do 1 out of 3 and her H do 2 out of 3. It is an imbalance.

Question for her: does she believe she is truly being fair and that there is a fair balance of time spent working? Or is she trying to take what she can get?

if she keeps taking the p1ss out of him, he will have an affair or leave her. She has no money, and does not work. So she needs to think carefully.

Jux · 08/08/2017 22:56

So she's concentrating on bringing up the children which is what her dh is working so hard to enable.

If he's doing long hours, then she is doing long hours equally, isn't she? That she isn't earning money doing it doesn't mean it's not hard work. And she doesn't get to do a poo on her own, or have a lunch break, or put her feet up with a cuppa when she gets home either.

I presume this is how she's thinking; sounds OK to me. No, her dh shouldn't 'help' with chores, they are both responsible and if he won't put a bit of washing on when he's at home, why should she do it for him?

scrabbler3 · 08/08/2017 23:02

Is the house a proper tip or is it just not as clean and neat as he'd like?

OverOn · 08/08/2017 23:31

Is she honestly not doing anything, or is it that she's doing enough to keep the house functioning but not the extra bits he would like (e.g. Having all toys put away when he gets home, dishes all done, etc)?

Is he supportive of her generally, e.g. pitting his dirty clothes in the wash bin? Or is he expecting her to be keepers by on top of everything all by herself?

Does he work weekends? Is she left with the children alone all week and then at weekends too?

There's so much more to working out who needs to provide more support, then the info you've supplied. It is hard being at home with a 1 and 4 year old with little support - there is so much drudgery in cooking, cleaning and looking after pre-schoolers.

Original poster

beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 08:43

The house is a tip. An absolute hell hole.

jux I don't agree. She's out everyday spending money like it grows on trees on lunches, visits here and there when she could spend at least a day just tidying up after the kids and herself. Her husband actually does his own washing and most of the kids! Surely she should be doing that.

From what I gather, he's said he thinks it might be better if she worked too and then they could pay for a cleaner.

I work full time and my DH and I share the responsibility of keeping the house clean. But, as an example, my DH was off on holiday for a week and he picked up most of the chores as he was around the house.

My friend literally will not spend more than a couple of hours in her house.

OP posts:

Original poster

beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 08:44

overon

He works homers and right over the weekend. My DH has even pointed out that the man is worked to the bone and he barely notices anything like thay

OP posts:

ChevalierTialys · 09/08/2017 08:48

Jux did you even read the post?

if he won't put a bit of washing on when he's at home, why should she do it for him?
Doesn't this go both ways? SHE doesn't bother doing it so why should he do it for her?

He is doing the only housework plus working long hours. She does all the childcare and no housework. Yes they are both doing long hours so housework should be split equally, not all left to one person.

If it were the other way round and she posted on here that he refused to do any housework, half the responses would be LTB.

ChevalierTialys · 09/08/2017 08:50

*the only housework that gets done

pigeondujour · 09/08/2017 08:58

Maybe she's just totally overwhelmed by it. I'd say something like "you'd all feel better if you wrote off a weekend to chuck a load of stuff out and get it really clean then just kept on top of it. It's so much nicer for you all to come home to the house being nice." Make it so it's not "you should clean it for him" if you know what I mean.

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2017 08:58

You don't have to be a 50s housewife, but part of the job of SAHP involves some of the Home bit.

And children do not need to be taken out all day every day. They should have some time at home playing with their own toys.

Sounds to me like she can't cope and she's escaping, but it's not fair.

LinoleumBlownapart · 09/08/2017 08:59

I'd ask her if she would like a clearing up/clear out day to get help to get on top of it. The kids need downtime as well so telly on and tidy up/clean once a day is do able once she's on top of things again. It sounds like she's let things get on top of her. I feel really sorry for her husband as well.

Charlieiscool · 09/08/2017 09:00

He should reduce his hours at work since he is killing himself to fund her wasting money on lunches out etc. One lunch would cover the cost of a couple of hours cleaning anyway.
It's fine if is affordable without one person's good nature being exploited. Other people manage child care and keep a home that isn't a tip, especially when the DP does his bit. I think he is the one that needs advice. She has everything going her way and is either being really selfish or she needs help from a psychologist.

Original poster

beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 09:00

nanny

This is what I've said to her re the children being taken out everyday. My own DC aren't taken out all the time and they seem to cope just fine.

OP posts:

HazelBite · 09/08/2017 09:04

She isn't going to change her habits, she, i would imagine, gets no sense of satisfaction from "keeping house"
The answer is she goes to wok, pays for childcare and a cleaner(s) out of her wages.
I think her DH should say she either gets her act together, or goes to work to pay for the necessaries

Fishface77 · 09/08/2017 09:06

She's left it and it's got out of control.
She needs to sort it.
Could you help op? She's probably outbof her depth.
If I was his friend I'd tell him to LTB.

Berrybrambles · 09/08/2017 09:08

I would tell her honestly and gently.
Is it possible she is just overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. I have had this issue with a friend.

Only1scoop · 09/08/2017 09:10

I'd admit it's a tip In a half jokey way.

FlyingElbows · 09/08/2017 09:11

Well seeing as you're so much better than her maybe you should give her a big talk all about how to be just like you? Or you could open your eyes, put your judgement and your working mother jealousy/insecurity to one side and see that your friend is struggling. She sounds totally overwhelmed. It's blinding obvious that anyone who is actively avoiding spending time at home is unhappy there. Chuck on a liberal sprinkling of "you're a parasite SAHM" guilt and it's no wonder she's making a big show of being the most activity based mum ever. She sounds miserable and as she's doing it all 24/7 with nothing but other people's judgement for company then it's no wonder. Have you ever offered to lend a hand or is it all just two faced batching?

FlyingElbows · 09/08/2017 09:12

Bitching.

Maelstrop · 09/08/2017 09:12

This would drive me nuts if I were visiting her! I would go over, stick the kids in front of the to just this once and dig in to give her a start. She sounds like she just can't get started.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/08/2017 09:23

Has she always been like this or is it more recent? Is there any chance she is struggling with PND?
If she has always been untidy then maybe something like flylady would help her to get into a routine.
If it is a sign of an underlying problem then I would look at how she can get some support.

LockedOutOfMN · 09/08/2017 09:24

Steer clear. Unless someone is in danger then someone else's domestic arrangements are none of your business.

IDoDaChaCha · 09/08/2017 09:29

She sounds lazy and selfish spending extravagant amounts of money on lunches out while he works his butt off. He needs to sit her down and tell her to pull her weight. It's not your job to propel her lazy ass into motion.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread