Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would reply to this?

176 replies

beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 17:40

I have a friend to whom I'm quite close.
She's a SAHM with two girls and her husband is a joiner who works all the hours under the sun to allow her to stay at home with the kids. She readily admits this and is grateful to him for working so much.

The issue is that her house is an absolute tip. She always says that she can't stay in the house because she thinks her DDs would be bored or resent being in the house Confused

Her husband has pleaded with her to do a little around the house because he's left to do washings and tidy the house after longs shifts at work. She has asked my opinion on it a couple of times. Specifically if her house was a mess and if her husband is being unreasonable to expect her to do some basic housekeeping while he's at work.

I really didn't know what to say. Obviously I mind my own business but I was actually asked straight out. I wanted to say yes your house is a disaster and yes you should do some tidying and stay in for a day or so a week to do this as your DH is knackered!

What would you say? I've kind of changed the subject but no doubt it will come up again!

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 09/08/2017 09:30

Playing devils advocate here.

She has the dc all the time whilst her dh works long hours. It's hard to clean with dc that age under your feet, and by the time he's home she may not feel able to do it.

At the same time, she doesn't need to take the dc out all day every day. She could also get the 4 yo to help img some tidying up by making it a game. It may not be cleaning cleaning, but from the sounds of it that would make a great start.

I say this as a sahm with a not particularly tidy house who takes her dc out everyday as they drive me nuts without a run - like small labradors.

I would be inclined to say something washy like there doesn't seem to be much balance in their relationship, and that they need to work together to come to a compromise.

Serialweightwatcher · 09/08/2017 09:41

I'd tell her that if her dp is working all hours so she doesn't have to, it's her job to keep the house in order to a degree - if it upsets him, she should be willing to put herself out to make him happy too. She could get the 4 year old involved and that would give them something to do. I'd just tell her.

SentientCushion · 09/08/2017 09:52

Sounds like she could have PND to me.

A lot of the women I work with who have PND can't stay in the house.

SentientCushion · 09/08/2017 09:53

I would suggest that she spends the money for one lunch on a cleaner

Mrskeats · 09/08/2017 09:53

This issue was a big factor in why my dhs previous marriage broke up
It's not fair and if she wants an honest answer I would tell her

DoubleCarrick · 09/08/2017 09:56

I guess the issue here is that there's no balance. I only have one DC and sometimes DH gets home - washing has been done, kitchen clean and tidy, dinner on the table, other various bits of cleaning done. Other times he gets home and I haven't even managed to think about what we're having for dinner or clear away the dishes.

Sometimes he comes home and does nothing. Other times he comes home, baths DS, cooks dinner and tidies up afterwards while I sit on my backside in a daze!

I too am wondering whether your friend is out so much because the home isn't a nice place to be. Do you think she'd be able to help out if things were more manageable?

Sinead9 · 09/08/2017 09:59

You have some deep fucking issues FlyingElbow

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/08/2017 09:59

My friend literally will not spend more than a couple of hours in her house.
Home is meant to be a sanctuary.
Something clearly not right there then.

wannabestressfree · 09/08/2017 10:04

I am with donkeys. When I was married I hated being at home, there was clutter everywhere and I was desperately unhappy. I had also had a really unhappy childhood. I equated going out and 'things' with being a good parent.
I divorced and now live with half the stuff and no husband but my home is my sanctuary. I love being at home and just being as do my children. I wonder if she is in a similar position?

PoorYorick · 09/08/2017 10:05

When I'm home on my days off I can tidy and wash up and do laundry during nap time. Can't hoover because it wakes the toddler up. What do you do when kids are past napping?

Serialweightwatcher · 09/08/2017 10:15

It's not always a medical or emotional problem when someone doesn't want to do housework or stay in the house with the kids - when my kids were little I used to go out often with a close friend who was just lazy - she wouldn't even do toddler groups with me because it was 'harder to watch' her daughter. She used to stay out until 6pm purposely so that her dh had returned from work and she wanted to leave him time to tidy up and make dinner!! There was nothing wrong with her then, or now, 16 years later - she is lazy and always has been

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 10:19

flying

Wow you seem LOVELY. Do you have somethings you'd like to share here because you sound pretty bitter.

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 09/08/2017 10:20

Wow, FlyingElbows - projecting, much?

Viviennemary · 09/08/2017 10:22

If she's asked your opinion then it's fine to say something. Suggest she reads a book on organising or buy her one for her birthday. Routines is the answer. And getting rid of clutter. And a cleaner if she can afford one.

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 10:24

hashi

I totally agree that you can keep them in all the time. It would drive you bonkers.

I just don't know how to broach this if she's mentions it again.

Obviously I'm mega jealous of her being a SAHM according to the delightiful flying Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 10:25

*can't keep them kn

OP posts:
user53592952153 · 09/08/2017 10:29

If she's out all day then how on earth is the house getting to be a tip? Staying home is what makes it messy surely?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/08/2017 10:29

Have you ever offered to lend a hand

  • I did wonder this FlyingElbows especially as OP says they're quite close but it can be awkward if the other person is apparently oblivious.

To me OP if she has asked you more than once, she maybe hopes you can prompt her into starting to tackle the chaos by helping?
A surprising number of adults don't know how to do practical domestic stuff "because Mum/Dad did all that".

MelaniaMacron · 09/08/2017 10:29

As others have asked, might she have PND? Lots of people struggle with housework and spending when depressed.

Could you set aside a day to spend at hers: take turns at looking after the toddler and cleaning, and cook lunch together. It could help her get organised, and show her that being in the house is manageable.

firawla · 09/08/2017 10:32

I would say to her try and budget for a cleaner, it's worth the money and she will really love having the clean and tidy house. If she's spending 30 quid on lunches every few days, she could comfortably afford it by just replacing one lunch for cleaner and take the kids on a cheaper outing that day

user1492692527 · 09/08/2017 10:34

I think maybe offer a solution that she spends an hour or two tidying up, just a room at a time then takes the kids out as almost a reward? When mine were little I used to try to do a couple of hours housework I hate housework then get out of the house, go and see friends, etc. You can't do it all in one hit which is what might be bothering her, it's too high a mountain to climb, so little by little is the key.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 09/08/2017 10:35

If she asked me directly whether I thought it was unreasonable, I would say something like "Actually, I am a bit worried about you. You do have two young kids, and - don't get me wrong - they are a gorgeous handful, but you don't seem to be able to make headway with the housework. I read that this can be a sign of depression. I also noticed you hate spending time in the house, and that seems unusual. I wanted to check you are OK, I'm a bit worried about you?" And take it from there.

Flylady, Kondo etc. are great methods to get people breaking down the mountainous amount of work that needs to be done and tackling it in small chunks.

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 10:36

153

Nothing is ever put away and the girls are constantly bought toy after toy with nothing ever being given/thrown away.

I've been in before and offered to help with the washing (take it away to do it or load machine and get it hung out) I've kind of started to clean the kitchen in an almost subconscious way but she'll just say "stop that's not what you're here do!" She is lazy by her own admission - I dont know if there's a deep psychological reason behind it.

OP posts:
TriskelArts · 09/08/2017 10:37

I'm going to take issue with your phrasing and its assumptions in your OP. You say he works all hours 'to allow her to stay at home with the children' a phrase I hear a lot on here which suggests he's somehow doing her a favour for which he's entitled to expect gratitude. That's a huge assumption. If you flip the phrase, you could say that it's her staying at home with the kids that 'allows' him to 'work all hours', because to work those kinds of hours he'd otherwise need a live-in nanny-housekeeper.

Original poster
beedybeedybumbum · 09/08/2017 10:37

I have also suggested a cleaner. I'd really love to help more but I have work, my kids and my own house which takes a hell of a lot of cleaning too.

OP posts: