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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you would reply to this?

176 replies

beedybeedybumbum · 08/08/2017 17:40

I have a friend to whom I'm quite close.
She's a SAHM with two girls and her husband is a joiner who works all the hours under the sun to allow her to stay at home with the kids. She readily admits this and is grateful to him for working so much.

The issue is that her house is an absolute tip. She always says that she can't stay in the house because she thinks her DDs would be bored or resent being in the house

Her husband has pleaded with her to do a little around the house because he's left to do washings and tidy the house after longs shifts at work. She has asked my opinion on it a couple of times. Specifically if her house was a mess and if her husband is being unreasonable to expect her to do some basic housekeeping while he's at work.

I really didn't know what to say. Obviously I mind my own business but I was actually asked straight out. I wanted to say yes your house is a disaster and yes you should do some tidying and stay in for a day or so a week to do this as your DH is knackered!

What would you say? I've kind of changed the subject but no doubt it will come up again!

OP posts:

Mumof41987 · 25/09/2017 17:02

My dh is a farmer and I have 4dcs . I never have a day off from the kids as dh works so hard 7days a week on our farm . Neither of us have hobbies or get time away from dcs ( dh has time away from dcs but only because he is working ) . My house is immaculate . I'm very house proud and could t stand living in chaos ! I can't understand why she doesn't have time to clean ? As a sahp part of that role is cleaning the house ? No way should she expect her dh to start cleaning after a shift at work ! He needs to tell her to get her act together or instead of eating out everyday use the money to get a cleaner ! There is no excuse at all ! Even if she is depressed she could still hire a cleaner and make the kids fish fingers and smiley faces one day a week for lunch and use her dining out money to pay cleaner

purplecollar · 25/09/2017 17:10

It's easy to judge when it's not you. I think it's reasonable to shop, cook, clear up pots, put washing on. But for me, dh helped with dusting and vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom - we'd have a blitz on a Saturday morning with everyone helping.

Some dc keep you awake at all hours and it leaves you shattered. They can be hard enough to cope with all day. I had to take mine out for exercise because in a small house they were just frantic in the mornings. If there not at ages they can play together, you have to occupy them a lot of the time.

Luckily my dh never complained. I used to work Saturdays and came home to a tip. He knew how hard it could be to do everything that needed doing.

Mittens1969 · 25/09/2017 21:41

I can relate to your friend, OP. I used to take my DDs out a lot. But they have always been very active and staying in the house always used to make them stir crazy and hard to manage. I wouldn't say our house was ever a complete tip but it could be a lot tidier. I'm suffering from depression now and lack energy, so we pay a cleaner to come once a fortnight, as not keeping the house as clean as I wanted to was making me feel even more depressed. It's a vicious circle.

I think your friend might be overwhelmed. If you're not very organised when you have preschool children it's very hard to keep up with the cleaning.

But it is extreme if she's not doing any cleaning or cooking, or even any washing. That's basic. Has she always been this way? If not, then there might be some depression involved.

Wauden · 25/09/2017 21:41

I would be honest with her because she has asked for your honest answer.

It can't be pleasant for her dh to have to come to a mess, especially when he works long hours.

MillennialFalcon · 21/11/2017 00:06

Ugh, she's put you in such an awkward position! She must be able to see the mess but she probably won't thank you for pointing it out! I suppose you could approach it from a position of concern as it could be a sign she is struggling. I do find it strange that she needs to 'phone a friend' to ask if she should help out with housework in her own house though, I can understand falling behind with it but she doesn't seem to see the need to do it in the first place! I can see why her husband might feel taken fore granted and I don't envy you either being stuck in the middle. Good luck!

Bexter801 · 06/01/2018 12:32

I'd be gentle in your approach,your friend isn't going to appreciate the words,yeah,your house is a disaster. So bring it up,like '' you know how you know how you asked for my advice'',and go from there....

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 06/01/2018 12:51

Why not show her this & say you found it interesting

theorganisedmum.blog/start-here-the-organised-mum-method-explained/

Might give her pointers or something to think about

Talk about it from your perspective maybe??

IndigoMoonFlower · 29/01/2018 21:12

It would be good for her to have "tidy up time" every day at about 4pm. I used to do this when my kids were younger than school age, so that tidying was a game and the house was looking nice for when my husband returned.

I know it's "old fashioned" , but if the man is working "all the hours" to allow her to be a stay at home Mum, I feel like she should make the time to make the home a haven for him. Many SAHM's often have cottage industries AND home school as well as doing the housework...With a little organisation and balance it can be done, plus it's a good discipline to teach the children. No one said housework was fun or parenting easy, but neither is working "all the hours". Your friend needs a reality check, for the sake of her marriage!

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/02/2018 19:43

That is very unfair of her, I can't see this ending well.

RadioGaGoo · 15/02/2018 19:54

If a house is presentable, I would rather spend time with my DS than make it immaculate.

Notevilstepmother · 15/02/2018 19:54

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️. THREAD

RadioGaGoo · 15/02/2018 19:55

Oh balls.

KatInTheHat · 31/03/2018 17:40

As @Noteveilstepmother said, she might be overwhelmed in general and just need some help to get going. I'm sure she doesn't want to live in a tip and maybe she goes out all the time to avoid the situation. I've done that myself.

At least she is talking about things and the marriage sounds okay despite this. And since she must know it is a tip already, at least on some level, maybe you can just ask her about it and then help her strategize solutions, like having a cleaner every other week or once a month for two hours? Thats only about 20 quid.

Bluelady · 31/03/2018 17:42

What's with all the zombie threads all of a sudden?

KatInTheHat · 31/03/2018 17:44

Oops.

wontjudge · 12/05/2018 06:45

beedybeedybumbum I read first 4 pages of this thread, all you have done is judged your friend, shown no sympathy or understanding, called her lazy (even if you said in her own admission), compared her to yourself (you are working mum and still manage housework).
I wonder what is the purpose of this post.

Also, why are you friends with her if all you want to do is criticise her and dismiss any alternate (understanding) thoughts?

Taking care of or just spending time with 1 and 4 years old is a job in itself. I am sure she cooking at least one meal a day, shopping for food, bathing, feeding kids. Is that no work just because she is not getting any money? Maybe she is depressed and going out of home is her way of coping.

As a caring and supportive friend, you can show her (in a kind and understanding way) that she might sabotage her marriage if she doesn't pay attention to her dh's complaints and do not solve whatever issues she is dealing with.

brizzledrizzle · 29/05/2018 08:31

Unless the house was a total tip I'm sure she'll have managed to tidy in the 9 months since the OP posted her message.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 29/05/2018 09:08

And you posted on a thread that hasn't been posted on for two weeks to say yay brizzledrizzle?

mancmummy1414 · 29/05/2018 09:12

There is hardly time to clean with a baby and a toddler at home!
She should do as much as she can while he is at work, then when he gets home it should be 50/50

Slartybartfast · 29/05/2018 09:15

ZOMBIE
Wonders what happened?

brizzledrizzle · 29/05/2018 09:40

And you posted on a thread that hasn't been posted on for two weeks to say yay brizzledrizzle?

I know, ironic isn't it?

Slartybartfast · 29/05/2018 09:54

moira123io · 02/07/2018 03:07

If she's a close friend, tell her the truth. You should respect her that much to give her your honest opinion, even if it's not what she wants to hear. Maybe she needs help, not with the actual work, but creating a plan of action. Seems silly, but some people don't actually KNOW how to get rid of the mess.

Shumpalumpa · 02/07/2018 06:53

ZOMBIE, moira. OP is long gone.

CSIblonde · 02/07/2018 19:38

Tell her well yes it's a bit messy but it's not the end of the world and its easier to keep on top of if you do 5-10 min 'sweeps' of putting away toys etc and hoovering 1room each day. Then offer to help with first big declutter which will be hard if she has let it get hoarder style bad. On top of that wiping surfaces while kettle boils or cleaning loo/floor while bath runs helps too & takes 2mins.

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