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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that so many people get supported financially by parents in adulthood?

239 replies

LittleLucyLuce · 08/08/2017 13:27

Nearly everyone that I know that has an extravagant lifestyle comes from a background where there is family money and gets supported financially by their parents as an adult.

One woman that I know, who is married with children, gets a monthly allowance from her father to buy clothes, hair extensions, get her nails done etc, and her father pays for 2 foreign holidays per year for them.

Another couple got their house bought for them by his parents, and her parents pay for their holidays, school fees for the kids, and anything that the kids need such as shoes, clothes, or toys.

These are just two of the examples of people that I know get money from parents. I don't come from a background of family money at all, but it seems that I'm in the minority.

OP posts:
brasty · 09/08/2017 09:04

For those of us without well off parents, the welfare system is essential. Please continue to support it. It provides a safety net.

Mittens1969 · 09/08/2017 09:09

In many cases, if parents didn't help with deposits on a house, some people would never be able to get on the housing ladder. It's sometimes a case of paying the deposit or having your adult children living in your house forever.

Rents are also ridiculously high in many areas and a lot of parents would rather their children could spend their money on their own mortgage.

Parents paying for hair extensions does seem a little strange though, like wealthy parents not letting their precious offspring grow up and become independent.

What's weird to me is that you know about it tbh. My DM has money and spends it on activities for her grandchildren (or did when we were hard up for a period of time). But it's not something we talk to our friends about. It's private.

juneau · 09/08/2017 09:19

In many cases, if parents didn't help with deposits on a house, some people would never be able to get on the housing ladder. It's sometimes a case of paying the deposit or having your adult children living in your house forever.

This was the case with two of my siblings. If our parents hadn't helped them to buy a small property each they'd still be living at home, aged 40 and 43! They're both on low incomes, one self employed with no regular income stream, so neither could've afforded deposit + regular mortgage payments.

DH and I expect to support our DC until they're adults and certainly with things like driving lessons, first car, first flat, uni fees, etc.

brasty · 09/08/2017 09:20

Yes which is why so many people rent. They have no one to help them out.

Namila · 09/08/2017 09:21

In the European country where I am from this is not unusual at all.

Wealth is seen as family wealth as opposed to parents' wealth only so it is normal even for adult children to benefit from it in many different ways (some more frivolous than others).

I come from a solid middle class background and I now have a good professional job in London, single and no DC. My parents transfer a set sum of money to my bank account every month just to help me build up my savings/ future mortgage down payment. My dad also gave me and my sister the money he got from selling my grandmother's place after she passed.

Once again, this is not unusual at all where I am from. I found that people in Central and Northern Europe seem to care a lot about becoming financially independent from family once you are an adult, while in Southern Europe there is much less of a stigma around parents supporting and helping children well into adulthood.

Imamiddleclasstwat · 09/08/2017 09:56

My dad once gave me £10,000 and £35 a week while I was at uni. I was very grateful for that. Otherwise no childcare, no meals out or holidays that others mention.
I too have recently realised that most of our friends are getting parental contributions even in their 40's, I had assumed the husbands were just high earners and even then couldn't fathom how most of my female friends afford their lifestyles without working. I feel very naive. And sad that despite a professional career I won't have money to help my children.

corythatwas · 09/08/2017 10:28

Never met anyone like this: the people I know from wealthy backgrounds are expected to work hard from a young age and generally do. Of course a wealthy (and possibly titled) background is a kind of support in its own right, but that is unavoidable in a hierarchical society.

In my own rather humbler circles, families like to help one another, but it's not a one-way traffic: a grandparent might pay for swimming lessons for a grandchild, but then the child's parents might be doing the shopping for the grandparent. My db had childcare on tap, living close to our parents, but then again, they have never had to fix anything practical in the house since he was about 9, because he does it all, and always manages to forget to charge them for spare parts.

I don't think it's anything new and modern and degenerate that is specific to baby boomers, more a traditional communal way of living that was less common during a few affluent years after WW2.

Ime it works when there is a clear understanding that the family is a mutual support institution where everybody contributes their bit. Less well if it is so one-way that adult children remain in a subordinately helpless role- but frankly, that is something I see more of on MN than in RL.

BillBrysonsBeard · 09/08/2017 10:58

I do know lots of people who had help with deposits for houses. My mum buys me things for the kids a lot and my inlaws have helped pay our debt and paid for holidays together. None of it we have asked for but we are very grateful. I think a lot of parents realise they are in a better position financially than we will ever be and want/need to help out where they can. It shouldn't be like this.

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/08/2017 11:29

I know a lot of people round me whose parents pay for holidays/ private medical for whole family/new cars and kitchens etc. And a sizeable number who have had 6-figure house deposits given.

Mammylamb · 09/08/2017 11:47

I had never heard of anyone getting an allowance as an adult until a few years ago when I found out that a friend get a few hundred a month from her dad. Another aquaintence had her rent paid for her and an allowance throughout uni.

My mum said that if she had the money she would have done this for us. But I do find that every time she gets any money, she shares it with both my brother and I, and she always saves money for my son.

So, while a big allowance and house bought for me would be wonderful, I'm grateful for what I have

demirose87 · 09/08/2017 11:47

As soon as I turned 16 I got a weekend job and never asked my parents for money again. However they are sometimes generous where my kids are involved and have bought things for them, my dad bought me a new dryer last year and they paid for the removal van when I moved house a few years ago because I was struggling. But I've never asked them for anything or relied on them. My mum is worse off than me so wouldn't be in a position too anyway.

PoisonousSmurf · 09/08/2017 11:58

I don't know anyone who gets help like that. I've always had to pay my way since I started work at 16. Had to pay for my own driving lessons and then parents took 30% of my monthly wages and got me to drive them around (never gave petrol money). They didn't drive at the time.
The only time they ever gave me a 'gift' was £1000 for my wedding.
My husband and myself had to pay the rest (his family had no spare money).
And to top it all, even though my dad owns his own house, he has left it in disrepair and refuses to spend money on it. He also keeps asking for money from me as he hasn't got much (he does work but is not well paid), and the worst thing is, is that he is 70 this year and I really can't help him as I'm on minimum wage myself.
He only has a basic pension and never got a work pension as he is self employed and works for a foreign company.
So even if anything happened to him, his home would end up costing more to repair than it would get at sale.
I feel quite poor sometimes.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 09/08/2017 12:22

I think it's bizarre that people are focusing in on the allowance as some kind of indication of childishness, when there are people who have been bought whole houses. What is the difference, really? Why is one socially acceptable and the other not?

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/08/2017 12:42

Totally agree bemused

Mittens1969 · 09/08/2017 12:50

I'm really puzzled as to why people share their financial situation so openly. I just wouldn't do that! Some things are best to keep private. If people didn't know they wouldn't be judging.

But once people have shared it, they can't complain if others do judge, or are surprised.

The problem with parents paying an allowance to adult children is that it doesn't teach them how to manage money. And how will they cope when their parents pass away, they normally go before us?

I think it's partly because wages are low, there are over a million relying on food banks! Those who have parents who can help out will accept their help instead.

crashandburnt · 09/08/2017 13:11

In my experience lots of grandparents pay private school fees.

karinkeller · 09/08/2017 14:10

Mittens1969 fully agree - can't imagine the world which my child grows up in. Conversations will get more open, there will be more ways to take away your money than reasons for you to save them. I have been taught to save and plan money properly - even with this, there seems to be enticements and occasions every now and then that will upset this savings discipline ( emergency spending, all kinds of monthly fees, gifts, you name it .. ). I am still giving some monthly spending money to my parents, but increasingly it feels harder to do so. So I can imagine the situation of some folks who no longer have the means to give allowances to parents, and yet need to take from them.

User1725352718263 · 09/08/2017 15:58

One woman that I know, who is married with children, gets a monthly allowance from her father to buy clothes, hair extensions, get her nails done etc, and her father pays for 2 foreign holidays per year for them.

I have a friend that is exactly like that (I wonder if we know the same person?). She's very intelligent trilingual economist who moved to Scotland because of her now husband who is a very nice guy but is self employed and earns just enough to buy everyday value food and she's working in a office assistant capacity as her qualifications in Scotland are not valued. Her parents are very rich and help not only her but her husband and their child. They do that because they don't want to see them having an difficult life while they enjoy fortune overseas and I find it lovely (although I envy her sometimes but I wish I had the same luck)

Sallybates · 09/08/2017 18:01

Sad state of affairs in the UK today- hardworking families struggling whilst others get more than a "leg up". You've had a peep behind the curtain of affluence and influence !

Leapfrog44 · 09/08/2017 18:04

We had a helping hand from my husband's parents. Yes a monthly payment for a year to help us afford a better place to live than than a shoebox in a street dominated by violent drug dealers that we were living in. They also gave us a house deposit because we'd have had NO chance of getting on the ladder otherwise.

Since we're on our feet, we've not had help, other than a 1 week holiday paid for.

I felt weird being helped but frankly we were desperately skint so couldn't afford to be too proud and I feel very grateful for it.

If they can afford to do it, what's the problem? Life is far harder for our generation than it was for our parents.

PurpleDaisies · 09/08/2017 18:05

Sad state of affairs in the UK today- hardworking families struggling whilst others get more than a "leg up" You've had a peep behind the curtain of affluence and influence!

We're a hard working family who also got a leg up because dh's parents were hardworking.

pollymere · 09/08/2017 18:24

My IL paid for tutoring and give us money gifts for things. We're independent financially, they just like treating us or helping out. There are people who really need this support and there are those who take advantage (I could never have taken money to pay for beauty appointments).

brightlightceiling · 09/08/2017 18:31

My dad is well off but poorer people get more than me. I'm doing fine so don't need it but I did make the decision to help my kid on the property ladder

jessebuni · 09/08/2017 19:13

One of my friends has her house and car and most of her bills paid for by her dad. Anything else she buys. I know quite a few people who have had help with deposits or been purchased a car as a gift.

My family has never been in a position to help me financially in a big way. Don't get me wrong my dad has slipped me the occasional £20 for fuel or food if he knows I've had a short week but this is more of a once in a blue moon thing than a regular financial help.

I guess if parents have money then helping their kids is a nice thing to do really. Although there's helping and there's being a crutch so I guess in some cases they could be preventing their child from learning financial independence. I guess each situation is different though.

Bobbi73 · 09/08/2017 19:21

I've never met anyone supported by their parents after they leave home. I must be moving in the wrong circles. Nothing wrong with with it though if you've got the money. I imagine that I'll be helping mine if I can,