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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that so many people get supported financially by parents in adulthood?

239 replies

LittleLucyLuce · 08/08/2017 13:27

Nearly everyone that I know that has an extravagant lifestyle comes from a background where there is family money and gets supported financially by their parents as an adult.

One woman that I know, who is married with children, gets a monthly allowance from her father to buy clothes, hair extensions, get her nails done etc, and her father pays for 2 foreign holidays per year for them.

Another couple got their house bought for them by his parents, and her parents pay for their holidays, school fees for the kids, and anything that the kids need such as shoes, clothes, or toys.

These are just two of the examples of people that I know get money from parents. I don't come from a background of family money at all, but it seems that I'm in the minority.

OP posts:
MrsWhirly · 08/08/2017 19:46

I know a number of people who are supported by their parents. Two get an allowance, one's father brought a property for her that she receives the rent for and another lives with her DH and DC's in a rather large granny annex attached to her parents mansion so no rent, council tax or utilities. I also know another who inherited the family business and carry's on like Alan Sugar! I am of course massively jealous of them because I'll be paying my mortgage off for a few more years through full time work!

SleepFreeZone · 08/08/2017 19:52

I'm just jealous of all of you that get financial help from family. Good for you 👍

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 08/08/2017 19:52

I'm a little baffled by it regularly but I suppose it's a tax dodge really. Better your kids get it and live well an all that.

My parents have helped me before when I was just out of uni and didn't earn much at all. But they knew I worked damned hard and tried damned hard and didn't waste it. I never pissed it up the wall.

It wouldn't have been given it I had.

My mum insisted on buying a bed for my house when I eventually bought. Not sure why as I could afford it myself by them but I think she just wanted to help so I let her. She isn't the type to give up anyway so it just made life easier Grin

CV893 · 08/08/2017 19:55

It's not uncommon at all at the wealthy end of the spectrum. Regular gifts out of excess income are exempt from Inheritance Tax the day you gift it so lots of wealthy people with big pensions do this. It's amazing how little that generation spend on themselves in general though considering the wealth they have

FlaviaAlbia · 08/08/2017 19:56

I don't think it's that unusual to have money passing down the family, grandparents help parents who help children who help their children.

I'm not loaded, I live a quiet life in a normal semi, but it's pretty standard for both my and DH's families to help the next generation as much as is practical.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 08/08/2017 19:57

They also gave me my first car and the replacement a few years later. Neither of which I asked for but accepted gratefully. I still have the second car.

Mum keeps asking when I'm going to replace it. Never. Grin It's 10 years old and works perfectly. I've no intention of wasting money on a new one just yet !

crazypenguinlady · 08/08/2017 19:59

DP's parents gave him the deposit for his first flat. They also generously helped when buying our current house. They are comfortably well off and he's an only child. They insisted on contributing to our house as they wanted to help us out as we were expecting our first baby. They said they wanted us to have a nice home for our family.

My parents buy a lot for DS. When I was pregnant, they bought the crib, bedding, clothes, etc. My mum has bought the majority of his clothes and recently bought his cotbed. DS is their first VERY much wanted grandchild. They adore him. My mum actually takes clothes off me so she can be the one to buy them for him. She was horrified when I wanted to buy a top for my own son Grin

Neither is expected but very much appreciated. They do it because they are able and both sets of grandparents want to help with their grandson.

AccrualIntentions · 08/08/2017 20:05

To me it feels different getting a gift of money for a specific thing, e.g. house deposit than it is getting ongoing money for day to day existence. My parents were generous in contributing towards a house deposit and wedding but after that as far as they're concerned it's our responsibility to live within our means. The idea of being propped up on an ongoing basis (even though I know it's ultimately the same thing as deposit money) just doesn't sit right. They are very comfortably off but they've worked hard too and I want them to spend their money travelling and buying nice cars and things for themselves.

BetterEatCheese · 08/08/2017 20:08

My dp frequently gets quite large sums from his mum and she helped us out lots when Dd was small. I appreciate it but also I think it had made dh awful with money as he has and will always be bailed out. It's a struggle to enjoy it as I can't help but feel he relies on it coming in so he feels he can get in a financial mess.

lelapaletute · 08/08/2017 20:15

Fucking hell how the other half live. I'm bailing my mum out on a weekly basis at the moment as she is stony broke and in an awful situation. My dad and stepmum shout me lunch or a train fare to visit them from time to time, for which I am profoundly grateful. My partner and I saved our bollocks off for years to afford the minimum 20% deposit for our first home, and had no help from anyone (nor did we expect it, because we're grown fucking adults!!).

We're selling our flat now to move North (so we can have things like our own front door and garden) and both of the two prospective buyers initially interested had honking great deposits £80-100k respectively) gifted to them by their parents. We thought these were weird privileged outliers. Clearly not!

If I were the jealous type I'd be pea green right now!

marysandra · 08/08/2017 20:16

This reply has been deleted

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Usernamegone · 08/08/2017 20:23

I came from a poor family and both my parent died when I was young and I never received anything.

I don't mind when parents help their children out (it's none of my business what they do with their money). However, what really irks me is when some of my friends are not grateful that their parents (who are not wealthy) have been able to help them out multiple times and moan and complain about not receiving enough!

K1092902 · 08/08/2017 20:29

My parents give me a generous cheque at Christmas and on my birthday- same for DD and DSDs and sister and niece get the same.

Their will states that everything is left to the grandchildren though. As mum rightly pointed out both me and DSIS are comfortable and don't need the money but DSDs and DD are more likely to be in a position to need it

MsAwesomeDragon · 08/08/2017 20:29

I have a couple of friends who have had significant financial help from their parents. One friend had the deposit for a house paid as soon as she left uni and got her first job, that was about £25k. Another friend has a foreign holiday every year, one year they go with her parents and the parents pay, the following year his parents take them and the parents pay. It's just the way things are. Some people have parents who can/will help out and treat their adult DC, other people don't.

My parents and in laws have never been in a position to help us out financially, but mine did provide childcare when I was a student which saved as massive amount.

mashpot · 08/08/2017 20:39

Wow, I'm really surprised by how many people get help! And when people mention getting a deposit for a house how much are we talking? We got £4K towards our first home deposit about 13 years ago. Can't even imagine either sets of parents buying school uniform or shoes or paying for kids activities! We get very occasional babysitting, I count myself lucky for that.

NataliaOsipova · 08/08/2017 20:42

it'd be weirder to have parents who are really well off and don't want to help their children.

It depends what you class as "help". I know a couple who basically bankroll all three of their adult children. To the point that none of them are genuinely independent. And that's the problem with it. Would I help my children to help themselves (e.g. With education, with a deposit for a house on which they could pay the mortgage). Absolutely. Would I help in an emergency? Absolutely. But would I be happy to bankroll them just because they expect a certain lifestyle? No. Would I encourage them to put their feet up at school because they can get by with our help and without their own effort? Absolutely not. Because being able to make and stand by your own decisions is part of being a grown up.

sailorcherries · 08/08/2017 20:44

My parents have helped us out, predominately with childcare.

I lived with them until DS was 5, they were always there for him, and my dad is self-employed with my mum having flexible working and partially retired. That has saved me and allowed me to work.

They also gifted us circa £2k when we moved into our first home to do our garden and then loaned us another £5k but that is gettinf repayed.

They pay for coffee if we go out but there isn't a regular amount of money given. The childcare is the most valuable thing they have ever given and I cannot thank them enough.
Their house is going to my DS (not changed their will to include newborn DS yet).

I'd do the same for my kids if I could.

InDubiousBattle · 08/08/2017 20:53

I agree Natalia. Quite a few people on here have said that they gave or received money as they/their parents didn't want the dc to 'struggle'. Now I totally get emergency need and I don't ever want my kids to be in true dire strait's with regard to money but surely a bit of struggle is just paying your dues? I might sound very cold hearted (I'm not I promise!)but I'm not sure sure removing all struggle is good for adults, it makes you lack resilience. I know lots of adults who go to their parents immediately for any financial problems they have, they don't try and resolve it themselves. A few actually say ' why would I when my parents can and will help?', I never really know what to say except 'because you're a grown up!!!' (obviously I don't say that!).

user1497997754 · 08/08/2017 21:10

My parents have never helped me out....in fact at 16 I had to give all my work experience money to them. Both me and my sister left home at 16 and they give us £10 each for birthdays and Christmas....both worked full time all thier lives and still plead poverty lol

Batoutahell · 08/08/2017 21:22

We are both independent and quite wealthy. But my parents love to do things like buy the kids a set of shoes each, or show up with loads of nice food when they visit for the fridge and freezer. They have given us a few small lump sums for important life events which although we both earn well, made quite a difference to us. I feel very lucky to have them backing us up but even more pleased that they dont have financial worries themselves.

I think its financially wise to distribute wealth long before dying if you can afford it....I suspect that is what a lot of these parents are doing.

JustHereForThePooStories · 08/08/2017 22:11

since you're presumably going to inherit the money anyway, wouldn't it be better to accept it now in the hope that your parents don't die in the next 7 years?

I'm not in the UK so will have to pay 33% tax on everything I inherit over a particular amount- the 7 year rule doesn't apply here. As it stands, I'm going to end up with a tax bill of about £300k (parents are open about their will so I know what they plan to bequeath me). No way around it, unfortunately. Hopefully, that's a very, very long time away anyway.

(Also, just to say, I moved out of home at 19 and have been completely financially independent since then. Husband and I earn well but don't have a particular extravagant lifestyle- cut our cloth etc. We're very happy as we are and have to need or desire for my parents' money, though I think they want to give it to use for the right reasons)

Littlestgirlguide25 · 08/08/2017 22:23

Well, I seem to be in the minority here - but my parents don't give me any financial support whatsoever, and nor would I expect them to! They don't help with childcare, didn't cough up for a house deposit and certainly don't help with day to day living. Why should they?! They supported me through university (though I also worked part time and have a loan) and I know would always be there for me if I needed them - but I am an adult with a full time job, and I wouldn't accept financial help.

hannah1992 · 08/08/2017 22:28

My friend who has two kids mum pays for all her utility bills because my friend spend all her wages on on getting nails done buying clothes etc.

I find it strange I was always brought up to be independent and not live beyond my means. My dad always said if it's not broken it doesn't need fixing. What you want is totally different to what you need

gillybeanz · 08/08/2017 23:02

We help ur dc out when we can.
Far from rich but we help with little to mid priced things.
They will inherit 2 houses between them which will give them a deposit or next house up iyswim.
I just paid 2.5k towards new windows for ds1 new home and will do similarly for the other two.
I enjoy making their lives that little bit better.
They have been brought up on a low income though and know the value of money.
If we were rich we'd do house deposits, cars, uni fees, etc but we're not.
Isn't it human nature?

MistressDeeCee · 08/08/2017 23:08

Its up the the parents tho surely, if they can afford it and want to do it? Its not really for anyone else to judge how and why they are spending their money. You are likely a bit envious of your friends but there's no point in that, watching what their parents give them isn't ever going to give you a good feeling. Most I can think is if the parents ever face financial difficulties then the help theyve given will be reciprocated. Thats about it