To be shocked that so many people get supported financially by parents in adulthood?

[LittleLucyLuce]

Nearly everyone that I know that has an extravagant lifestyle comes from a background where there is family money and gets supported financially by their parents as an adult.

One woman that I know, who is married with children, gets a monthly allowance from her father to buy clothes, hair extensions, get her nails done etc, and her father pays for 2 foreign holidays per year for them.

Another couple got their house bought for them by his parents, and her parents pay for their holidays, school fees for the kids, and anything that the kids need such as shoes, clothes, or toys.

These are just two of the examples of people that I know get money from parents. I don't come from a background of family money at all, but it seems that I'm in the minority.

DP and I barely know any of our peers who are self sufficient aged 20-28, the majority have help from their parents to varying degrees, some have had houses/flats bought outright for them, others have their rent paid or parents pay for their holidays or parents paid uni fees so their children have no student debt. As long as it is offered by the parents and not asked for and not causing them financial hardship I don't see the problem.

Both my parents and DPs late mother have always helped us out a lot financially, we don't need it now, but they want to help us, and I'm not going to make a big fuss and refuse. Whenever we have had to ask for a loan because the car had broken down or pay not come at the usual time and rent due for example, they refuse to take the money back. I doubt many people would actually refuse a free place to live or extra money for their children if it was offered with no strings attached as it is in our situation. I hope that we will be able to do the same for DD or any grandchildren we have.

This hasn't happened for me although I do think they'll help if we can ever get a house. But I have a colleague who's father just ...sorts things out for him. One more child than they have space for? He pays for an extension. Can't afford to go on holiday? Have £5k.

That's not 'helping out your kids because of intergenerational inequalities'. That's encouraging learned fecklessness.

"They live at home because they enjoy being babied, and essentially suffer complete arrested development into their 30s."

I think this is a huge problem, but I also think that it's far from restricted to groups with low levels of education! I agree with you that it is unhealthy, whatever demographic it involves.

I'm shocked too. I've been on my own for quite awhile and I see my parents still supporting my younger sisters (both in mid 20s, one of them a parent herself). Paying for their cars, their apartments, their school, etc so they can go out and spend their play money on nails, hair, and lash extensions. Then my parents complain that they are worried my sisters aren't independent enough and worry about their future. I'm sorry, but uhhh duh. Why would they grow up when they are being enabled to still act 17?? Hmmmm 🤔

Another one here who has been told she was lucky as I was mortgage free for about 8 years following my mums death.

I do feel we have benefitted as we have a nice house and the mortgage I now have with my husband (was not around when I lost my mum) is not a huge outgoing/we wouldn't have had this house situation. Would have a smaller house in a heartbeat for her to have met my children.

As for day to day support - when she was alive my mum would buy odd bits and pieces for me but no really regular payments, we get nothing from our remaining parents except an odd babysitting job probably about twice a year from my dad - MIL refuses to do anything with the children!

I expect that DH and I will support our DDs to a greater rather than lesser extent, as it is likely that neither will have great earning powers. However this would be dependent on them working to support themselves (not just relying on handouts from us), and showing an ability to budget.

I know loads of people who got monetary help with house deposits/weddings/universities, but not to my knowledge anyone who still gets day to day things paid for by their parents like the examples you've given. I think that's pretty unusual.

Except my BIL but he's a waste of space who gets bailed out by his parents constantly

As said above, many of those who are currently retired have enjoyed riding the boom years of rising house prices, good interest rates and investment returns, endowment policy payouts, healthy pensions, etc - things that the next generations can only dream of and things that the older generation didn't necessarily "work" hard to achieve - more of a lucky accident of being in the right place at the right time.

We have a fair inheritance from my parents, who were just "normal" working folk, but bought their house when they first married at what today seems to be a ridiculously low amount, but in those days was hard. They never moved, and were there so long they paid off their mortgage, so when it was sold, there was a shed-load of money, added to a fair amount of savings bolstered by the high interest rates of the 70's/80's (they just made regular savings out of their wages which over 30-40 years does add up!).

We don't "need" the money as we're in our 50's and are happy with our home, holidays, etc, so it's sat in a savings account and will eventually be given to our son. A lot of it will be used to put him through university and then subsidise his living costs whilst he gets a career established, then maybe a deposit for his own home. But basically, to set him up for the long term - we'll have the purse strings, so it won't be frittered away on fast cars, women, booze, etc.

We're doing that because he will never be in as good a financial position as my parents nor ourselves without that help. My parents and my OH nor I have student loans/debts nor have today's difficult employment market, nor will have to pay stupid amounts for a home.

It's basically just transferring the money down through the generations as and when it's needed. Absolutely no point in making my son suffer with potentially not getting a good career, or not getting on the housing ladder - it's no good for him to get our inheritance in decades time when we die and he's virtually lived the best years of his life!

I help my adult children out whenever I can. If I have the money, why not? What else am I going to do with it - hoard it until I die, so they then have to pay a huge tax bill? Surely it's better for the whole family to benefit.

The reason I worked so hard in the first place was so that my children could have a better life than I had as a very poor child. I supported myself completely from being 17 (kicked out) and never received a penny from my family - even to the extent that the small amount of money my grandparents left for us grandchildren never got further than my mother.

I wanted to provide the safety net and 'step up' that I didn't have. That doesn't mean my children are any less independent than their peers.

DH's brother turns 30 this year but has always been crap with money because his parents bail him out of every hole. I don't think they're helping him in the long run.

My parents have occasionally given me unexpected financial gifts of up to a few thousand pounds which I've appreciated hugely. The money has always been used for sensible major purchases rather than pissed away and DH and I are prudent with our own, earned money. I'd feel embarrassed spending my parents' hard earned money on hair extensions!

Whilst I'm not principled enough to refuse gifts from parents (and hope to be able to help my DC in the same way in due course) it does make me feel uncomfortable at times. Subsidies from parents for major purchases such as houses have the potential to perpetuate and worsen social inequality. People who work hard to better themselves with no financial help must find it dispiriting that they still can't manage the kind of lifestyle enjoyed by friends with the good fortune to have wealthier parents.

@AwaywiththePixies27

You were sleeping rough while pregnant? That's horrific.

pooStories

They should be proud of you

On what basis have you determined you are in the minority? You mentioned 2 families it does not seem that many?

I don't think they're helping him in the long run

This. Some friends of mine have been heavily subsidised by their parents over the years, it meant that they got the house, car, big wedding etc in their twenties but also meant that they didn't have to get better jobs to get it. They sort of bumped along in the same jobs. That was fine for them in their 20's but now they're early 40's they hate their jobs and the fact that they're still reliant on their parents for money. The haven't blown money or anything but haven't had the motivation to do more.

I should also say that neither of them have ever paid into a private pension of any sort. They think they're going to inherit enough to not have to bother.

When I bought my first car at 18 my parents lent me money for car insurance which I paid back. I borrowed £50 off my Dad when my car broke down just before payday. I offered it back when I was paid but he refused.

I never asked for handouts when I was married to a lazy fucker, I just juggled money. My sister lent me money to pay off a credit card the lazy fucker, with my agreement used and didn't pay me back. He's now an ex and still a lazy fucker. I paid her back with interest and it saved me a fortune in credit card interest.

I'm now 49, mortgage and debt free with money in the bank. It's been hard going and I've gone without or saved for stuff but I'm glad I did it on my own. On the other hand it might have been different if I had children.

If I were rich I'd want to share it with my dc. When I have winning the lottery fantasies, after I've mentally paid off the debts and bought the house and put money aside for my old age and the dc's education, I start working out how much I could give to family members and it is a lovely feeling. If I had lots of money I'd want to be sharing it with the people I love. Not doing so would be really odd, for me.

BIL and SIL (both in their 30's) had a house bought for them by SIL's step dad. SIL has also never worked as her family financially support them and their DC. Holidays, clothes, furniture, toys for DC and whatever else they want. Her family aren't particularly wealthy but there's a lot of them to contribute to the pot so to speak.

Never actually met anyone who was so dependant on their family for money until I met her. And they all seem to think it's perfectly normal

Our parents helped us with the deposit for our house but that was a choice of theirs. They've helped us once or twice with a big purchase (pre-kids) so we didn't have to take out loans and we repaid them, but a monthly income seems really odd to me. I wouldn't like that.

My father bought me two houses mortgage free. He doesn't give me a penny now - thankfully - but by transferring the properties to me he has set me up for life and legally avoided a lot of tax when he passes away

SIL had her flat and car bought outright for her and MIL also pays for her holidays and subsidises her bills. She's in her thirties and works PT occasionally. No kids yet though. It has caused family friction, resentment etc with the inevitable ever growing distance between her and the rest of the siblings who strangely received absolutely zero financial help. It does her no favours though.

I know a lot of people who have had help with house deposits or have school fees paid.

Since having DS my parents have helped more than I expected- the like to pay for school shoes and uniform, some of his extra curricular activities and occasional treats. They have made a great deal of money on their property and would rather they watched us enjoy things now then the Inland Revenue take it after they are gone.

Both of mine have had financial help with buying property and one had a wedding paid for. The other refused help towards a wedding. I used to do childcare regularly, but it's sporadic now because we live too far away to make it viable.

We're on a very limited income now, so there are no more handouts. I'd like to have a big family holiday (in U.K.) but can't afford it. I think we've done OK by them. They have been able to get on the property ladder because of our help and many are not in that position. If the grandchildren come to stay they are spoiled because we don't see them that often.

I have had nothing. My parents are poor - we pay for them to come away on holiday with us, or to travel here to stay with us.

I always end up laughing at the thought of being helped to afford a house. Nope - all our own work.