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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that so many people get supported financially by parents in adulthood?

239 replies

LittleLucyLuce · 08/08/2017 13:27

Nearly everyone that I know that has an extravagant lifestyle comes from a background where there is family money and gets supported financially by their parents as an adult.

One woman that I know, who is married with children, gets a monthly allowance from her father to buy clothes, hair extensions, get her nails done etc, and her father pays for 2 foreign holidays per year for them.

Another couple got their house bought for them by his parents, and her parents pay for their holidays, school fees for the kids, and anything that the kids need such as shoes, clothes, or toys.

These are just two of the examples of people that I know get money from parents. I don't come from a background of family money at all, but it seems that I'm in the minority.

OP posts:
Madbengalmum · 08/08/2017 14:15

Awaywiththepixies, most people HAVE to stand on their own two feet, In fact some even have to support their parents financially.

EssentialHummus · 08/08/2017 14:15

Just don't accept it then!

InDu - that's a bit out of context. I was talking about asking them for money when I need it (rather than going to a bank etc) and said "I wouldn't mind borrowing from them, but they insist on giving me money, and I don't feel comfortable with that." So I simply don't ask them, because saying "Could I borrow £x for a month, we need to pay our builders" would result in them giving me the money rather than lending. And then, several months later, when we have an argument about some unrelated thing, my DM would throw her generosity back in my face and accuse me of being ungrateful.

Them occasionally chucking money at me - I treat it as an unexpected nice thing, say thank you, let them know that it'll go on the house/car/whatever and move on. And I don't hear about it again.

gillybeanz · 08/08/2017 14:15

Some people were born with a silver spoon OP, you just seem to be meeting more than your fair share of them.
I don't know anyone like this from our area or friends across the country, well except for one Grin
Tbh, although admittedly I know little about this type of family what I have seen doesn't make me envious.
I'd see it as being about control if the gps are paying for children and gc.
You'd find it hard to not feel beholden to them or not able to manage on your own.
I suppose it would be hard to be independant if you came from such a family.

Orangebird69 · 08/08/2017 14:17

My parents have never been 'wealthy' but they're comfortable in their own ways now (divorced) and have helped me out as an adult in the past. My DM in particular would actually be really offended if we didn't accept help or ask her for it and struggle on. I know now that I'll want to financially assist my ds in anyway I can until my dying day. He won't even need to ask. I'm one of 'those' parents don't believe in charging keep when their child gets a job whilst living at home etc. I'd rather educate them on how to be wise with money rather than take it from them to 'teach' them.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 08/08/2017 14:17

MadBengalMum I once was a pregnant homeless 18yo. I know all about HAVING to stand on my own two feet.

WhatHaveIFound · 08/08/2017 14:19

Neither me or DH get money on a regular basis but there have been occasional gifts of money from both of our parents. I think they do it to even out the handouts among their children.

We're lucky enough not to need the money at the moment so i've put it in a savings account. Maybe we'll pass it on to our children one day.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 08/08/2017 14:19

My point is its not always that simple for everyone. Most yes. Not all.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 14:22

I imagine all parents would want to help their kids, only some don't find themselves in a position to be able to do so, while others can do so to the tune of thousands!

I have a situation where my parents have helped my sister out to the tune of thousands (rent, food, bills) over time, and I've never had anything. I'm not jealous of the money so much as the difference in love they show to us. While nothing has ever been good enough for my sister who has been waited on hand and foot, they've been content to see me struggle in horrible leaky rentals, with far too little to eat. I found that very emotionally difficult to deal with because I believed for a long time that I must be completely unloveable for such obvious inequality to be perpetrated by parents - I thought there had to be something wrong in me that caused it. Then I got a good counsellor who helped me put it behind me and move on.

Orangebird69 · 08/08/2017 14:25

That's a bit shit bemused. I'm glad you've moved on from it Flowers

stargirl1701 · 08/08/2017 14:26

I think it is quite normal for house purchases and school fees. It avoids paying inheritance tax later.

quickychangearound · 08/08/2017 14:26

I don't know a single family in my friendshil group who isn't getting childcare - in effect their parents are giving them around £1200/month....

catkind · 08/08/2017 14:27

My parents bought a family home in what is now a commuter area for about one of their annual salaries at the time. Would cost about 20x equivalent annual salary now. As a result they do have cash floating around (as did my GPs) and sometimes throw some our way. It got us on the housing ladder, very hard without help these days.

As we don't need help any more, we now put any extra we're given away for our own kids' university fees/house deposits/whatever they need when older. Things are going to be even more expensive for them than they have been for our generation. Maybe private school if that looks like being a good option for them at some point.

None of my family are particularly inclined to extravagant lifestyles though, not in the holidays and yachts and expensive tastes sense. The people I know who do that do earn big bucks. And also tend to have rich families - maybe if you're brought up to extravagance you're more likely to look for a career that will let you afford the same?

MsHarry · 08/08/2017 14:28

We got our wedding reception paid for and my wedding dress and that was the last of any financial help from our parents but that was over 20 yrs ago. Was easier to get on the property ladder then. I do feel jealous when couples we know go away on holiday together and leave DC with grandparents but I feel proud of standing on our own financially.

JustHereForThePooStories · 08/08/2017 14:28

My parents are wealthy and ridiculously generous. They've bought houses for all 6 of my siblings, plus regularly buy my sisters new cars etc. I'm the only one who has declined a house purchase. Both my husband and I work in very well paid jobs so we don't need their money. I

t's a bit of a point of contention though as my parents are a bit miffed that we've refused to accept these gifts. Very recently, after leaving their house following a visit, I got a text from my mother telling me to look in a pocket in my handbag. I opened it to find a cheque for £120,000. I haven't cashed it, nor do I intend to, and they're quite insulted.

I have accepted smaller, more appropriate gifts in the past. When we moved house, they gave us £1,000 for a new washer and dryer (and it stretched to a vacuum too).

ExConstance · 08/08/2017 14:28

In this area there are quite a few people who benefit from the family trust of some 19th century industrialist family. They are all quite distant relations but the trust is always there to stump up for cars, houses, maintenance for students etc. Rather wish I was one of them, my sons went to school with a couple of beneficiaries.

HeartburnCentral · 08/08/2017 14:29

Yadnbu I know a lot of those kind of people but don't get me started Grin

MsHarry · 08/08/2017 14:31

BTW our parents are not wealthy. PIL own their house but my dad released all the equity in his!!

waitforitfdear · 08/08/2017 14:32

justhereforthepoo

You have no idea how lucky you are do you,

pullingmyhairout1 · 08/08/2017 14:32

My Mum and Dad have helped me financially historically due to an awful couple of divorces, etc. However I cannot do the same for mine right now and am trying to better myself. I have not, and never would dream of asking for help but they offered. I actually don't like the fact that they did help. I'm embarrassed. Plus I hate the feeling of being beholden to my Mother (that is another story).

Lenl · 08/08/2017 14:33

justhere could you cash it and give some to me to a charity if you don't want it?

Sparklingbrook · 08/08/2017 14:33

I know someone who had a large house bought for them by her parents and her parents pay for all 3 children to go to private school.

I didn't know this for a while and just presumed her DH was a very high earner.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 14:36

Thanks orangebird Smile

I think one of the things it is very hard for people who have come from money to understand is precarity. You can never really be in need if you know you have that safety net.

Rent a flat above a shop,
Cut your hair and get a job.
Smoke some fags and play some pool,
Pretend you never went to school.
But still you'll never get it right,
'Cause when you're laid in bed at night,
Watching roaches climb the wall,
If you called your Dad he could stop it all.

JustHereForThePooStories · 08/08/2017 14:36

You have no idea how lucky you are do you

Oh, I do. I have a healthy, happy family. I have parents who love me. I'm very, very lucky.

I would just feel so unbearably uncomfortable accepting large amounts from my parents. They're not happy about it so it does is impact a bit on our relationship, sadly.

KimmySchmidt1 · 08/08/2017 14:37

I think its hard to generalise, because I see at least two totally different things going on:

  1. genuinely wealthy parents, whose children are capable of financially supporting themselves but who continue to contribute, partly to minimise inheritance tax and partly just because they are absolutely loaded. This to me is not a new trend at all - it has always been done.
  1. Baby boomers from low skilled and low education backgrounds in the South East who, by virtue of house price increases and generous final salary pensions, have a bit of money to spare (and will get a huge six figure windfall if they ever downsize). However, whilst times have changed since the 70s and you can't leave a secondary modern at 14 with no skills anymore and hope to live in anything but extreme poverty, they have not passed this wisdom on to their kids. So their kids have buggered about through school and come out with sod all, have nowhere to live, can't afford rent, can't get a decent job, but still want mum to do the washing and still want lots of pocket money. They often have access to high interest payday loan type credit, and are unable to manage finances. They live at home because they enjoy being babied, and essentially suffer complete arrested development into their 30s. Parents are spending their modest pension on the grown up children, and sometimes grandchildren live there too. I have seen this much worse for some reason in the South East than where I grew up in the North, perhaps because of house prices but I also think it is cultural. I personally don't think its healthy for adults to behave like children.

(for background, I am a high earner and get nothing from my parents since I started work after uni, not even help with first deposit).

Kursk · 08/08/2017 14:39

^^also avoids the tax man taking such a chunk of inheritance tax. Very sensible IMO

Yes I think this has a lot to do with it. People want to help family first rather than their hard earned money being taken by the government

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