14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

[allotmentgirl82]

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

@randomer unless you have personal knowledge of this where are you getting all these "facts" from?

A hormonal 14 yr old won't listen to a parent saying not to have sex....

Agree with this. & telling the OP to "get your son under control" is really not helpful. I don't think this was the right place to post such a thread but OP take guidance from police and social services, its all you can do

Sad that he is cutting himself there must be lots going on with him

I hate posters who are fucking harsh and can't accept that people make mistakes especially when young and a 14 year old having sex whilst not acceptable, is likely more common than we think, even if people hide behind "perfect"

OP maybe call Victim Support too? They're good

Hope all sorted out soon the stress must be immense

OP I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.

You need to spend a lot of time with your son repeatedly talking about consent and talking through all of the scenarios and realities. He's still a vulnerable child whether he's 6ft or 5ft tall. You know your son better than any of the pp so if you believe your son then I am sure that he believes the sex was consensual. Unfortunately that doesn't mean it wasn't rape nor does it mean the other girls are not victims of rape.

It sounds to me like your ds needs professional help too.

Got to love the sexism on this thread

The girl sounds like she's been groomed as well when you take in to account the dodgy older man and your son is just another male using her. I hope she gets some help.

I didn't say it but the first thing I thought when I read that a girl this age was behaving in such a sexualised way was that she may well have been groomed and there might well be an older man in the background.

I don't agree that would make her son another male using her though. If that is the case I would say both children were the victim of the original groomer as they were the person who had introduced sexualised behaviour into the environment of children in the first place and created the circumstances where it could happen.

I think it's awful that these men are knocking on your door and threatening your son. Hopefully he'll realise underage sex isn't worth the risks and be able to move on from it? If nothing else I think the worst thing about the whole thing is that condoms weren't used, if nothing else he needs to try to realise how much worse this situation would be if he has got the girl pregnant. I'd buy him condoms TBH and impress upon him the multiple and many reasons he HAS to use them if he's going to have sex again.

Look, both sides extrapolating wildly here is ridiculous.

The son could have taken advantage, the girl could have taken advantage.

She could be closer to 12, he could be closer to 15. Or not.

Either way, none of these children are acting in a way that indicates they are mentally healthy and well in themselves. At the very least there is a worrying lack of self-control and self-esteem.

So regardless of whether there is sexism or ageism or anything else going on on this thread, OP does need to take a very hard look at her son and what she can do to stop this behaviour.

If the girl's mother was posting, I'd tell her the same thing.

Your son is only 14 so he needs some tough love and should not be hanging around parks and engaging in risky behaviour- for his own physical and mental health.
He will likely be watching porn or worse if he is watching sex too.
He sounds like he needs some structure and to re-focus on school work.
This will make him have a successful life.
Underage Sex, particularly with girls less than 14 is in the realms of deviant behaviour so some councelling may be needed.

Exactly Mags great post.

What 'sides'?

Op certainly made a mistake -
posting here.

She asked for advice over a distressing situation: she gets responses based on I-don't-know what/imagined scenarios and a load of nasty guff about her utterly disgusting ds and what a well and truly failed parent she is.

I wouldn't advise anyone post here about any serious issue anymore. It seems some posters can't control themselves from kicking someone when they're down.

So sorry you and your son are going through this. I just had the age of consent conversation with my son who is 13 just this weekend. He hasn't hit puberty yet but I wanted to make sure he was very clear on the facts.

I really don't like the "hes a monster lock him up" posts but I also really hate the "this is totes cool for most teenagers you squares" posts that are about equal in their number.

This is super super risky behavior and shouldn't be minimized, he needs a lot of support and love here but he also needs some really active parenting.

Got to love the sexism on this thread

Well, lets be honest. How many more men rape females than men are raped by females?

Goodness OP what a dreadful situation!
FWIW I'd hate my son (5) to be having sex at 14 but I'll cross that bridge in a few short years - however I remember many people at my school (very middle class, not a problematic school by any stretch of the imagination) losing their virginity before 16, girls aged 15 having boyfriends who were in the sixth form, being picked up from school in their cars etc so it's something that has happened for years and it must be hard to control

It may be a sharp lesson that there are consequences however these adults who are threatening your son need to be brought to justice - really is all that language and harassment not enough for them to be charged with something, particularly as the messages show consent - it's frightening and is be expecting a bit more form your local police

Haven't had chance to read all the replies OP but just to say it must be a awful what you're going through.
At 14 you can't possibly keep an eye on him every minute of the day.
Hope it all gets sorted

I am not being sexist. Neither party has behaved well

OP you needs to deactivate your son's FB and all social media accounts.

If you allow him to have them again, set up new ones with very private settings.

He may have got your sons address from snapchat (they have location settings now pinpointing where people are).

Take control of your son's phone, get him an iPhone in your name and ask the shop to set it so toy get emails of all the texts/emails etc going to and from.

You NEED to invade your son's privacy to protect him. For the time being.

I'm a teacher and such incidences in the park and other such environs are common to the point where it sadly no longer shocks me. Our DSL deals with this on a regular basis.

The key to all of this is consent (and the fact that police will not criminalise children readily). It appears from what I've read from the OP that each party was a willing participant. Children live in a fast world of instant gratification, knowledge, acquisition of objects and, of course, sex. The pressure to look good, to have sex, to conform to stereotypes is relentless. As a 90s kid, I didn't have social media accessible at any time - I just had the TV and my peers to pressure me, teens now have it everywhere.

I trust you have reported the dad incident to police (that dad is likely stunned and angry that his daughter is having sex) and that you are doing everything to protect and educate your son.

Take control of his phone, or have his iTunes linked to a computer you have so you can see what goes on, and do this for three months. Find out where your local sexual health centre is, and take him to it (but don't go in with him). They're staffed by knowledgeable and approachable individuals who will only be upfront and honest with him (DP worked in one for a while). They'll test him and talk to him about condoms, then supply them for free and provide contact details. Ours runs a 13-18s programs in a separate building with a discreet entrance.

Your son had sex, and its agreed by the authorities he or the girls won't be charged. It's also something a parent doesn't want to hear about, ever. I think you're being very strong.

Your son is committing sexual crimes, possibly rape. He is risking being put on the sex offenders' register.

The only reason he is not being charged is because he is under the age of consent and he should think himself lucky not to be charged.

He also need marching along to a GUM clinic.

It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.

Seriously?You think that is appropriate? He knew the girl(s) were under age 16, he has committed a serious crime and you and he should be taking it seriously.

Oh yes, and on that new phone - no Snapchat. It's used so commonly to send intimate photos, but people can now be located on it. Remind him a dick pic is for life - what is seen cannot be unseen and what is sent then has no control (we reckon between a quarter to a third of boys keep a 'selfie' on their phones).

Good luck!

@histinyhandsarefrozen there's lots of nasty posts but there's also supportive people like you and good advice from professionals like @crazycatguy I think it's worthwhile asking MN for advice but you do need to have thick skin.

He hasn't actually committed a crime though, if he's telling the truth about the girl with the crazy relative being consensual, and I believe OP says she's seen messages that indicate this, which is obviously a whole different can of worms.

Of course, messages aren't proof that she actually consented in the event so I guess nobody knows for sure.

@HipsterHunter legally no female ever can rape another person. In the eyes of the law rape requires a penis.

OP I feel for you. I hope you aren't taking the cruel posts to heart. There's a lot of good advice mixed in there.

The thing that jumps out at me is that your son cuts himself when he's upset. It sounds like he's suffering poor lad. The other stress in his life right now won't be helping and I wonder if he needs to talk to someone about it. He can obviously talk to you but it might be that at the moment he needs extra help in the form of a counsellor or even a doctor. Did you tell SS he is cutting himself? A mental health assessment should follow if you have.

*@randomer unless you have personal knowledge of this where are you getting all these "facts" *

I have not said anything nasty about the boy mentioned by the OP. I feel the girl who may or may not be just 13....is vulnerable. Both she and the boys have behaved badly.
I use the words boys and girls because thats what they are. It is not in any way OK for them to be having sex in a park.