14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

[allotmentgirl82]

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

Yes agree Gina. Two guys and one girl in a park, that's not normal teen experimentation

look at some of the stuff on this site. its vile. what have we come to.

GinaFordCortina I'd be devastated no matter what sex my child was. But there's an awful lot of projection on this thread about the girl being taken advantage of and coerced and painting the OPs child as a sexual deviant.

All teens involved sound ill informed about sex, legalities and contraception. The girl may well have not 'enjoyed' it the way she's portraying and merely repeating what she thinks you say after sex. The son may well have enjoyed it and taken every opportunity to repeat the activity but it still doesn't make him more in the wrong than her.

OP I'd seriously be pushing back on the police to do more about the threats from the weird bloke and be keeping your son home to explain (in agonising for him) detail why he should be waiting for a committed relationship before continuing in sexual activity and why

Afaik from this thread the police haven't accused him of rape the second time. The child father/uncle or someone is doing that.

It's perfectly reasonable to assume they are crying rape because they believe the old law that girls under 16 having sexual with a boy under 16 is statutory rape.
I didn't know this had changed until this thread either

Another one agree with Gina.

The apparent acceptance from the police that the 13 yo was a willing participant is very sadly reminiscent of attitudes towards what were referred to as child prostitutes not that long ago. Tragic for that poor poor child.

Your son needs locking up.

We scream and shout for equality between males and females.

Yet here we with teens being irresponsible and suddenly the girl is the victim again. It must be that she was forced and is an innocent 13yo girl persuaded to do what the males wanted.

My ds is 12 - 13 in a few weeks. Some of the girls in his year will turn 14 in September. The difference between them and ds and his mate is scary. They are very into boys and make up and talking about sex. Ds and his mates think they are all mad they don't understand it.

But remember children can be the same school year and almost a chronological year difference in age. In some cases that will show - in others in makes not a jot of difference because they are all experiencing the same things socially and exposed to the same situations and conversations.

How do we know - and why aren't people considering - that this lad has been coerced and talked into having sex. After all we know he's self harming so he may have self esteem and confidence issues of his own.

I don't believe he need locking up. But two boys one girl. Both older than her

@titchy is there no scenario whatsoever where a 13 yo girl wants to have sex?

ticty how about you wind you neck in your comment was disgusting.

Everyone say girls mature faster then boys so shouldnt it be that most times its the girl taking bloody advantage of the boys?

It bloody disgusting the victim complex alot of you are expressing that all girls are innocent victims and boys (whom scientific more likely then not less mature / developed then girls) are taking advantage so much so people think the boy should be locked up and the girl should be treated.

For all we know the girl could of asked for the action in the park, one of my close friends from school frequently got up to dubious things totally under her own steam (as in looking for sex and was not picky she did draw the line with only people older then 13 though and even tried to get me involved in some of it)

She when she was 15 nearly 16 was actively trying to get another boy every other week and would happliy do it anywere and she did the chasing and the encourging if anything she was a boarderline predetor looking back as her tastes of having much younger people has maintained with her last boyfriend being 16/17 (she being in here 30s )

14 and out on his own 10 miles away while this is going on? That is unreasonable.

In a city, maybe, but in a lot of non-urban areas, kids go further than 10 miles to get to school, ffs. School catchment areas are huge, and it's not uncommon for kids in secondary school to have schoolfriends 20 miles away.

I live in the densely-populated south-east, and the nearest sizeable town is 16 miles away.

I think people are being pretty unfair to OP, tbh. Things like that went on in my day, and I'm 62 next week. AND I went to a very posh single-sex school, where almost everyone had lost her virginity by the end of year 10, and several earlier than that.

is there no scenario whatsoever where a 13 yo girl wants to have sex?

Of course there is. I say that as someone who lost my virginity before my 14th birthday. No one forced me into it, I regretted it so much after wards, and still do, but I was the one who chose to do it as well. I stayed with the lad for another few months and continued to sleep with him during that time too.

is there no scenario whatsoever where a 13 yo girl wants to have sex?

With a similar aged boyfriend, in private, yes perfectly imaginable and understandable, though not obviously ideal.

In a park with the lad's mate sat there waiting his turn - no. That behaviour is pretty much exclusively confined to those who are very troubled.

And it was in a park too, when his friends where there too. Not out in the open in front of them but in a little forest part just a few steps from the park.

@worridmum while I'm not 100% on titchy's side,it has to be acknowledged that statistically are more likely to be vulnerable,coerced and to engage into promiscuous/dangerous behaviour as a result of abuse/neglect.

I had a friend like that too ,i used to insist that she just loved sex, and that's why she started at 12,shagged everyone in 3 neighbourhoods and ended up as a prostitute at 18. What can I say? I was a really dumb kid.

Obviously it had nothing to do with being drugged as a baby,abandoned by her mother,neglected by her father and bullied and beaten by her brother.

Everyone say girls mature faster then boys so shouldnt it be that most times its the girl taking bloody advantage of the boys?*

Oh god what a moronic thing to say.

is there no scenario whatsoever where a 13 yo girl wants to have sex?

Well, I am an adult and I would never agree to have sex with a man outdoors, while his friend watched and then wank his friend off. So if I don't think that's OK, why the hell would it be normal/OK behaviour for a child of 13 who would be far less mature and experienced?

Everyone say girls mature faster then boys so shouldnt it be that most times its the girl taking bloody advantage of the boys?

Yeah, you're pretty much an idiot

What papafran said^

Yes, the girls may well be secretly "troubled".

No, the 14 yr old doesn't "need locking up."

Vile? Disgusting family? Make you feel good/superior to talk about Op and her kid in that way, doesn't it?

OP are you still here?

Your son needs to be told in no uncertain terms that a girl under 16 can't consent.

*The apparent acceptance from the police that the 13 yo was a willing participant is very sadly reminiscent of attitudes towards what were referred to as child prostitutes not that long ago. Tragic for that poor poor child.

Your son needs locking up.*

I am shocked that people see her as a victim and him as the perpetrator, he is 14, potentially only days older than the girl and there is evidence she consented. Not nice to think of if you are the parent of a teenage girl but unfortunately far from unusual for 13 YOs to be sexually active even with 2 male friends. I say that while still accepting that most teenage girls would not do this and feeling very sad for this girl. I just also feel for the OPs son.

Sadly I think all three teenagers are victims of our society. I work in a secondary school and think a lot of parents are very naive about their teenager's sex lives. Things have massively moved on since most of us were young and the media and social media are to blame IMO. There is a lot of pressure on young people to have sex and be sexually active.

OP I would second others that you need to ground him for a long time and take his phone/ipad etc. off him so that he has no way of contacting other girls. Get him tested for STIs and buy him some condoms but have another conversation with him about consent and the law. Are you around or at work in the holidays because you may need to arrange for an adult to be present for the next 4 weeks. I would take the position now that he can't be trusted and shouldn't be allowed anywhere without an adult for a while at least.

Why the assumption that the boy is a predator and should be locked up? Because he's a boy? Because he's slightly older?

He self harms so he obviously has problems and could be vulnerable, but the 'lock him up' brigade seem to be ignoring that.

I am genuinely shocked at the nativity on this thread. While you may not like it teenagers have casual sex. It's not a good idea but it is happening.

Try reading Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult. That has a parent who has to face up to what really happens and might GE informative (and no, I'm not suggesting this will lead to a school shooting. But it comes out as part of the plot).

I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions OP but try not to blame yourself. My heart goes out to you in this awful situation.

Naivety*