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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

300 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 07/08/2017 16:03

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

OP posts:
randomer · 08/08/2017 15:58

A hormonal 14 yr old won't listen to a parent saying not to have sex....

well they should

MrsPringles · 08/08/2017 16:07

Well that's a bit of a pickle OP Confused

milliemolliemou · 08/08/2017 16:08

Come back, OP. Tell us what you've decided and how your son is.

sashh · 08/08/2017 16:16

He hasn't actually committed a crime though, if he's telling the truth about the girl with the crazy relative being consensual, and I believe OP says she's seen messages that indicate this, which is obviously a whole different can of worms.

That is irrelevant, sex with a child under the age of 16 is a crime.

He had a defence in his age and maturity but he is aware she is under 16 and is also aware it is illegal so no real defence anymore.

RebelRogue · 08/08/2017 16:21

@sashh the girl also knew he was under 16 and that it's illegal . Did she commit a crime as well?

worridmum · 08/08/2017 17:19

Sassh you do know the girls are equally as bad as they also committed the same crime as they had sex with someone under the age of 16.

So the girls knew having sex was wrong, i hope sassh you are awhere consent works both ways he cannot be a criminal and the girls be victims as they consented so it was not rape. So if you attempt to trail the noy the girls are equally guilty

PiratePanda · 08/08/2017 17:21

Did she commit a crime as well?

Yes, technically they both did - sexual activity with a child.

randomer · 08/08/2017 17:23

but its their hormones

Redhead17 · 08/08/2017 17:32

Well I'd start of by saying I think kids are growing up quicker than we did me and my friends at 14 were making up dance rountines and being fan girls over boyzone.
Sad I know but it's different now a days with social media. I sound like an old fart I know. Not saying it's an excuse for that behaviour but times sadly have changed

Secondly I'd frighten the shit out of him and show him YOI and remind him of the law etc

Change all passwords and ban from social media.

I'd imagine little miss innocent there giving out hand jobs has had a i turn on her bad behaviour and doesn't want mummy and daddy to be annoyed so cried raped.

DandyLionessa · 08/08/2017 17:34

I think people need to keep in mind that 'having sex with a child' when you're both children doesn't actually carry any legal bounds.

They're both underage etc

RebelRogue · 08/08/2017 17:38

@PiratePanda I completely agree. Even the police agrees,but it's not in the public interest to charge both kids,and they can't only charge one.

However it was a reply to sash, who was adamant that HE (the boy) has no defence.

randomer · 08/08/2017 18:23

why is it not in the public interest?

randomer · 08/08/2017 18:25

I'd imagine little miss innocent there giving out hand jobs thats a vile thing to say.

MadMags · 08/08/2017 18:33

I'd imagine little miss innocent there giving out hand jobs has had a i turn on her bad behaviour and doesn't want mummy and daddy to be annoyed so cried raped.

That is a fucking disgusting thing to say.

sonlypuppyfat · 08/08/2017 18:38

Bloody hell I was still playing with my pippa dolls at that age

Rossigigi · 08/08/2017 18:38

OP hope you are both ok x

DeleteOrDecay · 08/08/2017 18:49

I'd imagine little miss innocent there giving out hand jobs has had a i turn on her bad behaviour and doesn't want mummy and daddy to be annoyed so cried raped.

Horrid thing to say, you should be ashamed.

Original poster
allotmentgirl82 · 08/08/2017 18:55

Hi all
I'm currently reading through all the messages, up to page 5 so far.
Son has PDA- Pathalogical Demand Avoidance- a form of Autism. Link below:
www.pdasociety.org.uk
We love all our children, we do not neglect them. We live in a nice house, husband works full time, i home ed my two boys, daughter is at primary school. Both husband and I are from good families- we don't smoke or drink a lot. We are educated.
The CID didn't come round to investigate an accusation of rape, they came to inform me of son having underage sex with his friend.
The other girl our son has had sex with told the man our address. The man is about 20yrs old and not related to her, although from what i gather is a family friend.
Son is a nightmare to live with, especially since puberty hit.
He is moody to the extreme of head butting walls, he has cut himself with a breadknife- which required suturing as he refused stitches and anaesthetic.
He has severe anxiety and refused to go to school as he didn't like people looking at him.

OP posts:
Trumpisafart · 08/08/2017 18:56

OP my sympathy, teenage boys can be a nightmare it's difficult to protect them from themselves. Sorry about some of the horrible posts in this thread, some folks are wearing some very large judgey pants. Get him some help for the self harm, that is not good, but they are under so much pressure so glad I am not a teenager now.

randomer · 08/08/2017 18:57

why the hell a 13 year old would think having sex and masturbating another boy in a park and bragging about it is a good idea is beyond belief.
Also why a 14 year old boy would think any of said behaviour is ok is beyond belief.

Bombardier25966 · 08/08/2017 19:11

why the hell a 13 year old would think having sex and masturbating another boy in a park and bragging about it is a good idea is beyond belief. Also why a 14 year old boy would think any of said behaviour is ok is beyond belief.

Because society tells them it's the norm. The reality stars, the multi million pound footballers, that teenagers see as role models are swapping partners every other week, and other teens will be bragging about doing the same (even when they're not). I don't envy any young person now with all the pressures they face.

@allotmentgirl82, don't beat yourself up about it. Your son has got himself into a mess and you're supporting him to get through it. And he will, in a few weeks this will be old news.

randomer · 08/08/2017 19:24

unless there is a baby on the way

Original poster
allotmentgirl82 · 08/08/2017 19:29

There's no baby/s

OP posts:
randomer · 08/08/2017 19:31

People with PDA become experts at avoiding demands - they seem to feel an extraordinary amount of pressure from ordinary everyday expectations. It is often not the activity itself that is a pressure but the fact that another person is expecting them to do it
perhaps this is relevant

youarenotkiddingme · 08/08/2017 22:02

Are the police aware he has PDA/autism?
My local force has officers trained to interview those on the spectrum. We are in the process of registering my ds with their system so if he's ever stopped or gives his name to the police for ANY reason it'll be flagged up on a system.