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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

300 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 07/08/2017 16:03

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 07/08/2017 22:17

mirime He's certainly not learning about healthy sexual relationships, is he? Having sex in front of his friend and then watching the girl give his friend a hand job.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 07/08/2017 22:19

The op didn't say that but hey, carry on frothing.

Fruitcorner123 · 07/08/2017 22:22

dailymailreadersarethick no-one said he was learning about healthy sexual relationships. That's why many of us feel just as concerned about him as the girls involved.

Floofborksnootandboop · 07/08/2017 22:22

Actually, where has this assumption that they all did it in front of each other come from? The op said they met up, her son and the girl had sex and then the girl gave the friend a hand job. She never said they watched it happening to each other. They could have gone somewhere else while the friend waited. Not that is makes it better either way.

bigtastyplease · 07/08/2017 22:23

Sorry every one is being so mean to you , every one else on here must have Halo teenagers !!

SprinklesandIcecream · 07/08/2017 22:31

bigtasty, the allegations made against a 14 year old child are huge and should not be minimised. In no way is it a norm to accept such sexual behaviour which is also then resulting in rape claims and adults chasing and threatening a child.

None of what the OP says is acceptable and pretending that it's normal minimises respect for your peers, healthy sexual relationships and rape cases as well as rape allegations!

MadMags · 07/08/2017 22:35

Because there's either perfect, or rape allegations, promiscuity, and complete disregard for sexual health or respect.

No in between. Hmm

titchy · 07/08/2017 22:42

Because there's either perfect, or rape allegations, promiscuity, and complete disregard for sexual health or respect.

Under age (years under age not a few months), promiscuity and disregard for sexual health and respect ARE in between rape allegations and perfect... and we seem to have them in spades. And my empathy is 100% with the girl. Sorry if that offends.

MadMags · 07/08/2017 22:44

titchy my post was in response to @bigtasty who sneered about posters having perfect teenagers at home.

Whosthemummynow · 07/08/2017 22:47

I hope the OP doesn't come back to this thread.

When at out lowest we look for help and support. I don't see much support on here. A lot of attacking. Calling a vulnerable young man a rapist/predator/vile human. It's not on. It really isn't. When did it become OK to attack other peoples children over the Internet this way?? It's fucking shameful.
The OP stated that her son has issues with self harm. Can you imagine his reaction to reading this bile. You should all be bloody ashamed of yourselves.
He had consenting sex with 2 girls. Big fucking whoop. No need for the lynch mob
Disgraceful

bellasuewow · 07/08/2017 22:51

Your son is a child who is cutting himself and having underage sex with other troubled kids in parks. This is really dangerous and worrying behaviour. Your family are in crisis and you need to accept all help for, social services, this is not normal teenage behaviour.

FlowerSour · 07/08/2017 22:55

I'm assuming OP's son isn't a predator as there's no reason to assume he's a rapist when no one here knows the facts. Obviously the situation is far from ideal but the original post does not say OP's son has ever been found guilty of any sexual offences.

I think assuming a fourteen year old boy is the one in the 'wrong' over the girl is dangerous. OP's son is also vulnerable in such a situation, please don't forget that.

I know some very innocent fourteen year olds and some very promiscuous girls of similar age. Yet I also know some very innocent fourteen year old girls and very confident and crude fourteen year old boys.

The fact is we don't know the whole story- we don't know who instigated the meet up. We don't know what happened.

So I think in this scenario both children should be viewed as vulnerable and open to exploitation, not just the girl.

I feel wrong saying this but here it's not the teenagers having sex that bothers me. It's the accusations of rape, the fact it was in a park, the lack of protection, lack of understanding about what's gone on, etc...

That's what troubles me in regards to both children.

And it's writing the word children which makes me realise how very young they are to be in such a situation.

GinaFordCortina · 07/08/2017 23:10

GinaFordCortina I'd be devastated no matter what sex my child was. But there's an awful lot of projection on this thread about the girl being taken advantage of and coerced and painting the OPs child as a sexual deviant.

All teens involved sound ill informed about sex, legalities and contraception. The girl may well have not 'enjoyed' it the way she's portraying and merely repeating what she thinks you say after sex. The son may well have enjoyed it and taken every opportunity to repeat the activity but it still doesn't make him more in the wrong than her.

So the girl may have had sex that she didn't enjoy and he mabhave enjoyed it (despite the fact she didn't) but that would make him no more in the wrong than her? This is what's wrong with the world.

Enjoying sex with another human who isn't enjoying it and who is doing it while in some clearly troubled circumstances does make you "more in the wrong".

What happened to enthusiastic consent I don't he 13 year old was having screaming orgasms in the park giving some boy a hand job but who gives a shit if she actually enjoyed herself or just wanted some attention? She's still wrong.

GinaFordCortina · 07/08/2017 23:12

If my son and his mate both took money off their friend who was having problems at home and after their friendship. And the next morning the kid texted to say "glad we all hung out and that I could help you out with the cash"

Would the other boy be just as culpable for giving my son the money, or would my son and his mate would be the sort of nasty kids who take advantage?

joannegrady90 · 07/08/2017 23:16

What if your son did rape the girl(s)?

Fruitcorner123 · 07/08/2017 23:29

Ginafordcortina 'So the girl may have had sex that she didn't enjoy and he mabhave enjoyed it (despite the fact she didn't) but that would make him no more in the wrong than her? This is what's wrong with the world'

You don't know who enjoyed it. Maybe neither, maybe both, maybe she did and he didn't. Why assume he enjoyed it just because he is male? Your attitude is sexist and wrong. Many teenage girls have sex they are not all victims of rape and it is not always the boys who instigate or control the situation. Many teenage boys feel pressured into sexual situations they are not ready for. The information we have given does not suggest that this boy is a rapist you are jumping to wild conclusions about a child!

Fruitcorner123 · 07/08/2017 23:32

Also consensual sex is not one person giving while the other takes so your lending money analogy is wrong.

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest · 07/08/2017 23:35

DailyMailReadersAreThick Mon 07-Aug-17 22:17:24
mirime He's certainly not learning about healthy sexual relationships, is he? Having sex in front of his friend and then watching the girl give his friend a hand job.

And the girl who enjoyed it and messaged for round 2 isn't responsible? because she's a girl? Get away

I lot my virginity to a 17 year old and looking back, no I wouldn't have done it with hindsight - I was one of the last girls to lose my virginity and that's 20 plus years ago

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest · 07/08/2017 23:39

Disgusted at those who are twisting this - it's a 14 year old boy having sex with a 13 year old girl who consented. (forget she's under the age on consent), they're both kids ffs!

Nothing suggests he is a rapist, the girls were willing and I was brought up in a very middle class family but still had sex in my parent's bed aged 14 with my 17 year old BF - not ideal no, but certainly not rape!

UnconventionalWarfare · 08/08/2017 01:46

HmmSeems reading and not making up parts of the story to suit their own narrative is too hard for the lock him up brigade

MimiSunshine · 08/08/2017 07:08

GinaFordCortina FFS you are totally twisting what I'm saying. But I suspect you are totally closed minded to any other view point.

I was merely trying to point out that the girls enthusiastic post sex proclamations may have been over egged in response to the comment that it's doubtful a 13 year old actually enjoyed sex in a park but that still doesn't mean she was coerced.

And yes Fruitcorner123 I was being deliberately sexist in suggesting that just because he's made he may well have enjoyed it more. But as above the point I was making is that all involved are children, all in the wrong and as on here the adults in the female teens lives have made wild assumptions and the OPs son is being vilified

youarenotkiddingme · 08/08/2017 07:23

But the rape claims came from the fact the authorities assumed rape because she wouldn't name her sexual partner.
It wasn't categorised as rape because she claimed it was rape.

I'm personally glad that statutory rape cannot be use for 2 children under 16 against the male. It makes a lot of assumptions and also it allows girls to have underage sex and then claim rape/ get revenge if and when they regret it.

This is a vulnerable teen boy who have unhealthy sexual relationships with teen girls who may or may not be as vulnerable as him.

We need to consider as a society that these girls saw a self conscious teen with self esteem issues (remember he self harms) and used the fact he's wanting attention and to feel good to persuade him to have sex.

We need to remember there are 2 people involved in sex. I would imagine in the U.K. alone millions of people have sex daily - how many of those exchanges are as a result of rape?

RebelRogue · 08/08/2017 09:48

I would imagine in the U.K. alone millions of people have sex daily - how many of those exchanges are as a result of rape?

More than we would like to admit.

randomer · 08/08/2017 10:20

people is not the same as a girl who is just past her 12th birthday

histinyhandsarefrozen · 08/08/2017 10:23

She's just past her 12th birthday now?
And I suppose he is 16 tmrw, 6 foot 3 and 15 stone?