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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a proper engagement ring and a wedding?

153 replies

paperbin · 07/08/2017 10:30

I have been with my partner for about 7 years. I was married before for 15 years or so, 2 grown up children. He was with his ex for 20 years, 3 grown up kids. They were never actually married although she did call herself Mrs.
We live in a house we bought 50/50, jointly pay mortgage, bills etc. He earns more than me so puts a bit more into the kitty.
About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'.
But he never asked me to marry him. When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage. I tell him that if we are engaged, then that is a promise to marry!
Lots of people at work are engaged/having weddings.
A couple of months ago, I noticed someone at work had the same ring as me on her right hand - it was a birthday pressie from her kids!
By now I had given up thoughts of actually getting married so moved the ring to my RH. He never even noticed.

Recently, some close friends got engaged. She showed off her amazing ruby ring which they bought in Barcelona. The wedding is in September. Another couple got engaged - wedding is next year. I started noticing engagement rings more, and decided mine is definitely not one! I also read that the average paid for one is now around £1000 or even 1 to 2 months wages. Mine is the equivalent of a day!
I feel confused and upset. He 'says' we are engaged.
He will not set any date for a wedding. (I would only want a register office and a few pints down the pub type thing, nothing fancy).
My ring is not an engagement ring - I was actually embarrassed when someone asked to see it. I know this makes me sound like a gold digger but I am not - just want things to be 'right'.
So, AIBU to want a proper proposal and a proper ring?

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 07/08/2017 10:35

There's no such thing as a 'proper' engagement ring. Ideas about 'two months salary' are massively outdated. An engagement ring is one that represents your engagement, whether it's a 4 carat diamond or the ring pull from a Coke can (although presumably the latter is usually replaced...)

But. Nothing you've said makes me think he wants to marry you. He hasn't asked, he's openly said he doesn't believe in marriage and he's refusing to commit to even just the legal ceremony.

You need to have a proper talk with him.

MaidOfStars · 07/08/2017 10:37

And BTW, I had neither a proposal nor a ring. We had the 'proper talk' I recommended above, decided to get married, then started to look at venues. After it was booked, then we announced.

Iloveanimals · 07/08/2017 10:38

My engaging ring was a lot less than a thousand pounds. So get that idea out of your head 😂 but it doesn't sound like he wants marriage. So guess you either accept that or move on, hard as it is. You can't force someone into marriage.

TheNaze73 · 07/08/2017 10:40

I think others are right.

He doesn't seem at all in to it. You are focusing on the wrong things as well

AragornsManlyStubble · 07/08/2017 10:42

What exactly about definitely being married is so important to you?

That might come across as being inflammatory, but I'm in the same position. Desperate to get married to my lovely partner who isn't ready. I don't care about the ring ( though a emerald set in platinum would be ideal!). It just comes across in your OP that the commitment you already have isn't enough and it's the celebration you really want because 'everyone' is doing it.

MidnightAura · 07/08/2017 10:43

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want a proposal and a ring. But it's clear your DP does not want to get married so I'm not sure what the point of a proposal would be?

It sounds to me like your DP bought you a ring and just said yes when asked if you were engaged. He doesn't believe in marriage and won't set a date. If he gets a huge diamond ring and gets down on one knee in front of everyone, will that change his reluctance regarding marriage?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 10:43

What exactly is a 'proper engagement ring'?

You seem quite fixated on what something costs.

He has told you he doesn't believe in marriage. You have to listen to him. You can't force someone to marry you who doesn't want to.

NoWittyNamesAvailable · 07/08/2017 10:44

My original engagement ring cost around £350 (last year) i loved it but found i was allergic to white gold. My one i wear every day was £160. An engagement ring is not about the cost but the sentiment and the meaning.

I do agree with pp who says it doesn't sound like he wants to be married. You are the only one that can decide if that is a deal breaker for you. You need to talk to him.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 10:44

I don't really understand why you put it on your left hand. Did you discuss it when you received it? Did he say it was an engagement ring?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/08/2017 10:45

Nothing you've said makes me think he wants to marry you. He hasn't asked, he's openly said he doesn't believe in marriage and he's refusing to commit to even just the legal ceremony*

That ^.

You aren't unreasonable to want to be married, and your ring views are how you feel. He's not unreasonable to not want those things, though, and he's made it clear that he doesn't believe in marriage. You're barking up the wrong tree here in a big way.

aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 10:46

He doesn't want to marry you. So regardless of what it cost it's not an engagement ring.

Sorry to be harsh but it's probably better that you know. My dp "doesn't see the point in marriage" I only wish he'd told me that before we bought a house had a baby and his son moved in.

RhubardGin · 07/08/2017 10:46

I'm confused.

He gave you a ring for Christmas, he didn't propose but you put it on your left hand and just assumed you were engaged with no further conversation that day?

I think YABU if he never actually proposed Confused

And this was 4 years ago?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/08/2017 10:47

Sorry but yes you are being unreasonable. Hes told you he doesnt want to get married, either you BOTH want marriage or it doesnt happen. Trying to force hom to marry you is wrong.He bougjt you a ring as a present YOU chose to wear it as an engagement ring and tbh sounds like you pressured him into just agreeing that fine, its an engagement ring, to stop you moaning about it. If marriage is a deal breaker for you then end it, hes made it clear its not what he wants and its totally wrong of you to try to make him do it anyway because you want to.

DryIce · 07/08/2017 10:47

I don't think you are unreasonable to want to get married. Although you do seem a bit obsessed with the price of an engagement ring.

You are unreasonable to decide, in the absence of a discussion or proposal, that a gift ring is in fact an engagement ring. And possibly to expect your partner to want the same things you do.

You are of course at liberty to leave him if you want different things, or have a discussion around how seriously you want marriage and if he is on the same page. But you can't force him

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2017 10:47

I think I'd assume he didn't want a commitment and move on to find someone who does.

It's humiliating having to ask someone whether they're committed to you. Why should you have to do that?

He's clearly not that bothered about committing to you, so tell him that's it, you've had enough. That might be enough to make him realise what he's missing and, if not, no big loss.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2017 10:48

And of course he didn't commit himself to his previous partner, did he? Red flag there!

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 10:48

Anyone who holds the monetary value of an engagement ring in such high esteem has the wrong idea about marriage.

Especially as they don't tend to buy their future husband an engagement ring worth a thousand or two at the same time as they receive their expensive gift for saying yes.

AnUtterIdiot · 07/08/2017 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Riversleep · 07/08/2017 10:49

It looks like he has just bought you a Christmas present and when you mistook it for an engagement ring just said 'yes' maybe thinking it would be like a commitment ring or something. Other people getting married is no reason to want to get married. If course of its do important to you that it's a dealbreaker, you need to tell him.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/08/2017 10:50

If he hasn't offered/agreed to marry you, then you're not engaged. I think the fact that he has given you a ring as a present has muddied the waters. You seem very unclear over whether it is an engagement ring, and that's probably why you are considering the cost, as a way to help you decipher what's going on.
But surely if he'd proposed, ( or accepted a proposal from you) you'd know. The fact that you're confused speaks volumes. He hasn't proposed. It isn't an engagement ring.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2017 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reuset · 07/08/2017 10:56

I think you are being very unreasonable. He says he doesn't believe in marriage, and refuses to set a date, you know all of that. It sounds like he's agreeing that you're engaged to appease you.

Fairenuff · 07/08/2017 10:56

No I don't think it's an engagement ring and I don't think he considers himself engaged to be married to you.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/08/2017 10:58

One of my friends doesnt want to get married either. Hes been with his partner 10 or 11 years, council house together, 3 kids all with his last name. House is in her name i believe, but hes happy how things are and doesnt see the point in marriage. Tbh i think mainly he doesnt want all the legal comitment and difficulty to break up if they ever do. They have had bad patches of splitting for a few days and marriage just makes splitting messy. He was a very sgort term jind of guy before meeting her too; been with over 50 previous women, most one nighters. Hes made passes at me and i know he has online sex chatted with other girls, but afaik he hasnt physically cheated on her. Still, hes bot a lifelong conitment type to wimen but defo is to his kids.

reuset · 07/08/2017 10:58

About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'.
But he never asked me to marry him
Now you're calling yourself engaged and constantly asking him. That's a bit scary actually, OP Grin

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