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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a proper engagement ring and a wedding?

153 replies

paperbin · 07/08/2017 10:30

I have been with my partner for about 7 years. I was married before for 15 years or so, 2 grown up children. He was with his ex for 20 years, 3 grown up kids. They were never actually married although she did call herself Mrs.
We live in a house we bought 50/50, jointly pay mortgage, bills etc. He earns more than me so puts a bit more into the kitty.
About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'.
But he never asked me to marry him. When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage. I tell him that if we are engaged, then that is a promise to marry!
Lots of people at work are engaged/having weddings.
A couple of months ago, I noticed someone at work had the same ring as me on her right hand - it was a birthday pressie from her kids!
By now I had given up thoughts of actually getting married so moved the ring to my RH. He never even noticed.

Recently, some close friends got engaged. She showed off her amazing ruby ring which they bought in Barcelona. The wedding is in September. Another couple got engaged - wedding is next year. I started noticing engagement rings more, and decided mine is definitely not one! I also read that the average paid for one is now around £1000 or even 1 to 2 months wages. Mine is the equivalent of a day!
I feel confused and upset. He 'says' we are engaged.
He will not set any date for a wedding. (I would only want a register office and a few pints down the pub type thing, nothing fancy).
My ring is not an engagement ring - I was actually embarrassed when someone asked to see it. I know this makes me sound like a gold digger but I am not - just want things to be 'right'.
So, AIBU to want a proper proposal and a proper ring?

OP posts:
aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 11:33

Saying you're engaged to someone so they won't leave you is shitty and selfish. If you can't be completely honest with the person you supposedly love why stay together?

I wouldn't want to marry someone who bought me a ring to shut me up.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 11:36

I don't want a white dress and all that palaver.

However you want a 'proper ring Hmm

It isn't wrong to want to get married. It isn't wrong that he doesn't.

You can't however force him into it when he doesn't want to.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 11:38

Saying you're engaged to someone so they won't leave you is shitty and selfish.

Where has the OP said that is the case.

He bought a ring. She assumed it was an engagement ring and jumped to conclusions!

Demander · 07/08/2017 11:38

Paper bin.
It's not wrong to want marriage but he doesn't want to marry, he didn't marry his first "wife" and they had children and a home.
Now he has made a home and family with you, his 2nd wife.
He doesn't believe in being married. That's it.
So you can either accept that and live happily ever after or leave him.
I'd stay where I was in a loving relationship in our family home and not fret.

Demander · 07/08/2017 11:39

I agree with piglet poohs mate and not ms fatbottom. :)

ButchyRestingFace · 07/08/2017 11:43

I also read that the average paid for one is now around £1000 or even 1 to 2 months wages. Mine is the equivalent of a day!

Really not the issue. My parents never even had engagement rings - they were still engaged!

YANBU to want to get engaged.

YABU to expect to get engaged to this man, cos he doesn't want to.

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to be with you.

Equally, it would NBU for you to leave if marriage = stability is something that is important to you. Smile

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 07/08/2017 11:43

I think this is a sad situation really OP. What you must realise though is that just because you're desperate to marry doesn't mean he must marry you. And he won't marry you because he simply doesn't want to.
What you do from here is up to you but you need to let him make his own decisions. Whether you leave him and find someone who would want to marry or whether you stay with him but remain unmarried is up to you.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 07/08/2017 11:44

FFS, the OP has asked him directly if they are engaged and he said "Yes". That is not 'an assumption' she has made!

This is the same as any other major disagreement: differences over politics, over how to spend major amounts of money, over values and behaviours. You need to sit down and discuss it calmly like adults, and see if there is any possibility of a resolution. If there isn't a compromise that is acceptable to both of you, then you need to figure out whether this is enough of a dealbreaker that you need to move on to a new relationship. You basically need to stop shilly-shallying around in this uncertain shadowland, hoping that he might one day ask you as you want to be asked, and make some decisions about your own life that are self-determining and not reliant either on someone else or on a socially-provided script.

thethoughtfox · 07/08/2017 11:45

Remember that the 'one month's salary on a ring' was a marketing campaign by De Beers Diamonds. It has now moved to two months in today's materialistic world. The problem is not the ring it's that it's not engagement ring: he hasn't made a promise to marry you and doesn't seem to want to. You need to talk to him.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 11:46

Well to be fair, it seems she asked if they were engaged after putting the ring on her left hand and having their mates congratulate them.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 11:50

FFS, the OP has asked him directly if they are engaged and he said "Yes". That is not 'an assumption' she has made!

Putting a ring on your left finger and then accepting the congratulations of friends and family without a proposal or even a discussion is an assumption.

reuset · 07/08/2017 11:52

When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage

This is quite clear, he has no intention of marrying.

FFS, the OP has asked him directly if they are engaged and he said "Yes". That is not 'an assumption' she has made!
About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'. I'd say that's a pretty big assumption. She asked him about the engagement after that, where the OP's partner agreed but was explicit about not believing in marriage.
But he never asked me to marry him.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2017 11:53

This isn't about a ring or the cost, he hasn't proposed to you and the ring is a moot point.

He was with his ex for decades and they had kids, yet he still never married her.. Why do you think he'll marry you?

He's not interested in marriage. Accept that or move on if you want marriage.

aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 11:53

But when exactly did op ask? When she got the ring? Or after she'd told her friends?

I still think if he didn't want to get married he shouldn't have said yes to getting engaged. It's false hope unless he explicitly said yes were engaged bit we will never get married. In which case engagement is pretty pointless anyway surely?

reuset · 07/08/2017 11:53

Oops, highlight fail there.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 07/08/2017 11:54

Even if she did make that assumption with the ring, she has since sought clarification, and been told by her partner that he considers them to be engaged. But that they are not getting married. She's not making assumptions now. She's being strung along.

Justanothernameonthepage · 07/08/2017 11:54

I agree that it's a sad situation - I also wonder if he loves you as much as you think, or if you just hope he does. I don't mean to be cruel, but loving someone means treating them with respect, and his reluctance to have an honest conversation about how he sees the future doesn't bode well.
Can I ask has he taken out insurance in case he's badly injured so the mortgage can still be paid? Has he named you as next of kin so that in case of hospital you'll be able to visit/make decisions? In case of death, does his half of the house go to you or his kids, and if it's kids, can they force you to sell or are you protected?
Some people don't believe in marriage- so they protect their partner as much as possible and plan ahead to ensure that lack of wedding certificate doesn't cause issues.
Some people don't believe in marriage as they don't believe they need to think about anyone else.

You need to have an honest conversation with him and decide what you want
Is it enough for you to be legally protected as much as possible (and buy your own jewellery) or is that you don't think he cares and you need a public declaration?
If you can't talk it out, then marriage isn't the right step in this relationship.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 07/08/2017 11:57

YABU A ring does not make a marriage.

Sit him down and ask him plain and simple. Are we going to get married and if so, when? Don't let him make jokes or avoid the question. If he can't have a serious discussion then it's never going to happen.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 11:57

I still think if he didn't want to get married he shouldn't have said yes to getting engaged

Agree timing is everything here, the op isnt being clear. And she's ignoring rhe comments on it. It's very difficult if you buy someone a ring, and they shove it on their left hand and everyone starts congratulating you. He should have spoken up immediately but maybe didn't want to hurt or embarrass her and as such has went along with it.

reuset · 07/08/2017 11:58

I don't agree she's being strung along. He was quite explicit in the first instance about not believing in marriage and told her so. OP is ignoring that and wanting the wedding and bigger/better ring.

Benedikte2 · 07/08/2017 11:59

OP your DP is being insensitive to your deeply felt need for security. You have committed yourself financially, have been accepted as an engaged couple by your families and friends and seemingly there is no financial bar to the actual wedding. So it is natural both you and everyone else would expect the next step to be a wedding
Point out to him that as you have no dependent children and have equal stakes in the property if you split a divorce would be quick and low cost. Ask him if a prenup would ease his worries -- ask in a jokey way.
Ask him if a small wedding would make him feel better.
If he is intransigent then decide if you wish to continue or want to call it a day and look elsewhere.
Good luck

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 12:00

But that they are not getting married. She's not making assumptions now. She's being strung along.

If they aren't getting married she isn't being strung along.

He has told her he doesn't want to get married.

He has told her he doesn't want to.

KimmySchmidt1 · 07/08/2017 12:01

Tips for getting what you want:

  1. Say "this is what I want" to the person you want it from.
  1. See what happens.

There is no point grisling on here like some woman from 100 years ago. You are with a bloke who is hopeless at this. Stop expecting him to be better than you at everything. You have to take the lead, tell him what you want, and he can go along with it.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 12:03

OP your DP is being insensitive to your deeply felt need for security.

You could easily switch that around.

OK is being insensitive to him by pushing getting married when he has made it clear it isn't what he wants.

have been accepted as an engaged couple by your families and friends

As the OP put the ring on the left hand and assumed.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 12:03

She has told him what she wants, to get married, he has told her what he wants, to not get married. She's being insensitive to his desire not to, as he's being insensitive to her desire to. Either way he wins, you can't force someone to marry against their will.